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Many years ago I showed up 20 min early to a friend's place, which took me about an hour to drive from my place to hers. At the time I rang her apartment bell, she told me on the intercom she wasn't ready, so I said "no problem, I know I'm a little early, I'll come back at our agreed upon time."
A few days later I get a letter in the mail from her. She was so angry that she ended the friendship. She had several emotional issues going on and a marriage that had failed, basically lots of things that had nothing to do with me, but she unloaded her crap. I was shocked and saddened.
Fast forward 15+ yrs later, she had been trying to track me down and finally did so, sending me an email, apologizing for her behavior, telling me she knew she was way out-of-line and had felt bad about what she did, had been in therapy working on her issues, and wanted to apologize.
Maybe she was working a 12-step type program and was on the "apologize to those you harmed," I don't know.
What was she angry about? How was she inconvenienced? She spoke on the intercom for a few seconds. She didn't hurry. She didn't let you in. You were okay about coming back. But I don't follow---did she not take you up on your offer to come back in 20 minutes (very gracious of you after your long drive)? So did you stay and that's what she was mad about?
What was she angry about? How was she inconvenienced? She spoke on the intercom for a few seconds. She didn't hurry. She didn't let you in. You were okay about coming back. But I don't follow---did she not take you up on your offer to come back in 20 minutes (very gracious of you after your long drive)? So did you stay and that's what she was mad about?
I came back 20 min later as promised and we proceeded to do whatever it was we had planned (lunch and I don't remember what else). All seemed normal to me at the time, but apparently she was stewing inside.
Her letter a few days later was a kick in the teeth. Her anger at *me* wasn't rational and I knew I didn't deserve what was getting dished out, let alone terminating the friendship right then. I had pet sat for her and her-then husband, we had been friendly for a few years, had hung out occasionally, supported each other through some work challenges the first year we were friends, and all was fine. Then her marriage imploded and other issues emerged and I guess she spiraled down. This was in the days before people had cell phones, so texting to update my ETA wasn't possible.
Adding a detail: she and I happened to have the same birthday, same day, same year. She was also an identical twin, though her sister lived a couple states away. I mused that it would be fun to celebrate our mutual birthdays some time since we shared the same birth date. This overstepped a boundary I learned in her letter.
Last edited by lottamoxie; 10-02-2019 at 02:46 PM..
DH is a rather unorganized, late person. ALWAYS I would be ready, standing there, tapping my foot while he scurried around in crisis mode. Drove me nuts and still does. I think as others pointed out, he has very poor "time awareness".
Surprisingly, he's gotten better since retirement and living here. We don't have a car, so others will invite us to ride with them. Even though we are in So. America, our friends are usually early. DH finally got that thru' his head, so he'll start getting ready sooner, knowing we want to be out in the parking lot 10 min. early to show respect for those giving us a ride.
It's still a monkey-circus on airport days, though. It takes him 3X as long to get ready and I have NO idea why.
I have to count down the clock to help him along, LOL.
Oh. My. Gosh. My best friend is a person who is chronically late, and I am here to tell you - I don't think most people wired like that can be retaught. I mean, there are some success stories but overall, I think it's pretty useless.
One time she called me and said "I just left the grocery store, right across the street from where we're meeting." Except I knew she hadn't left the grocery store, because I could hear grocery store sounds in the background. And it took her another twenty minutes to get 1000 feet.
She often texts me and says "I just left my house," or "On my way!" but I know she's not because I know it doesn't take her 30 minutes to get from her house to wherever.
I pitched a fit about this one time - I mean, I really lowered the hammer on her. BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES. Oh how she cried. Oh, how she apologized. Oh, how "good" she was about time for about 3 months. But she slipped back into her late habits.
One thing I do now though is I just plan to meet up 15 minutes later than we had planned. That way I'm not sitting there getting madder and madder. She hasn't said anything about that even though from time to time she has actually gotten someplace ahead of me by a few minutes. I just breeze in and say "Hello!!!!!!!" and act like nothing's wrong - just like she does when she's late - every single time. I mean this went on for YEARS. So I have a lot of catching up to do.
One time recently she was a good THIRTY minutes late, and you know, we have cell phones, there's really no good excuse unless someone's in the hospital or whatever, which is unlikely. And she had done her usual texting thing "On my way!" which I figured wasn't true - and apparently it wasn't. So after 30 minutes I just sent her a text with a question mark. That's all, just a question mark. I mean, my gosh, she's 30 minutes late - don't act like you don't know you're late.
She didn't respond and then when she finally showed up, she said, "Why did you send me a question mark?" Come on. I said, "Because I wondered where you were." She just said "Oh, well I didn't know what that meant so I didn't answer." DEFLECT, DEFLECT.
It is irritating as heck. Like I said, otherwise she is my dearest friend and honestly, I hate playing hard ball with her or lowering the boom or whatever. But it does irritate the heck out of me.
Kathryn, I think the lying that your friend does, acting like she is much closer to your meetup point than she is, would bother me more than the actual waiting! To me any type of lying except for maybe white lies that are meant to protect the other person takes away from someone's integrity. She needs to be honest about where she is. Maybe you could run another errand or get involved in a phone call if you knew you had 20 more minutes rather than 2.
I also don't get the crying when you finally confronted her. Her feelings were hurt? It was just the truth. Facts. You still valued her enough to maintain the friendship with her. Crocodile tears to make herself the victim? (But you did say she also apologized.)
Lottamoxie, what boundary did the suggesting of a shared birthday cross? Not following. She wanted to be the only b'day girl? But she is used to sharing a birthday with her twin!
It sounds like some people are just bad with time management and others simply don’t care about being on time and fail to consider that someone is actually waiting for them while they putz around or do whatever else i that makes them late.
to add on to my previous post:
lateness never changes enough to matter.
example:
my wife's aunt.
always late for any family "thing".
she was (gone now) a college professor.
no lateness with classes or any other work.
essentially we "gave up" on Chrissy (real birth name).
if Thanksgiving Dinner was 1PM (yeah, in the South, it is not Lunch),
we would tell her it was at Noon. she would still be late, but she was family.
my son and i got in trouble taking Over/Under arrival bets one Easter.
no money...just prediction pride. "How could you?" was popular.
well, we could and we did and now the family thinks it was funny.
not back then.
no sir.
Lottamoxie, what boundary did the suggesting of a shared birthday cross? Not following. She wanted to be the only b'day girl? But she is used to sharing a birthday with her twin!
She told me birthday celebrations are something she does with her identical twin sister and it's one of their things they do every year (with no one else except I suppose family).
The boundary crossed is whatever rules she had going in her head and in her life and I inadvertently bumped up against or crossed unspoken boundaries and it annoyed her and I think it greatly pissed her off to (have to) assert herself. In that situation she thought it rude of me to horn-in on that and think me, her, and her sister could celebrate a shared birthday together...like "how dare you!"
I've since noticed people who have B&W thinking often can't see options or shades of gray. She could have said that day is reserved for her sister, but she could celebrate with me some other day if I wanted. That would be a win/win compromise. My other observation (and this applies mostly to women, but not entirely) is there's often an expectation that someone else should be able to intuit your rules and boundaries without you ever having to say anything. Almost like expecting someone else to be a mind reader of sorts.
There are no words for the utter despair I feel every time I realize I am running late. The shock when I look at the clock & a half hour has gone by; not the 10 minutes it felt like.
There is no way that anybody could possibly beat me up over this; any worse than I already do it to myself. I have literally yelled 'You suck!' at myself out loud. Many times.
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