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I am dreading it, although it won't have nearly the drama that many of you face.
My adopted daughter (late 20's) invited herself and her two younger half-brothers (she and another half-brother were adopted by us before their bio mom had four more kids) because she said they will be all alone because her three kids and her ex-husband are being hosted by her ex-husband's parents. (They did not invite my daughter and her brothers, and I honestly don't blame them.)
[My daughter has made some very poor choices in life and has basically alienated every adult she has had any prolonged relationship with. Her brothers, ages 14 and 9, were put into her custody after their bio mom lost custody of them, as she did all of her kids except the youngest. These two boys have major problems, also -- the older one tried to commit suicide twice, and the youngest one seems to also have some emotional problems.]
So instead of having a pleasant dinner with just the two of us, my husband and I will be entertaining three people whom we have no wish to see and try to find some way of entertaining them for at least an hour. (Although, based on many past experiences, I strongly suspect that she is just using us to get a free dinner, and so she might be off sooner than that to visit some "low life" friends who live about 15 miles from us.) Although my husband and I will do our best to be pleasant, it will be very unpleasant because we hate confrontation of any sort, so rather than say anything that might be offensive, we just won't say much at all -- and at this point, we have absolutely NOTHING in common with our daughter or her brothers.
So (to repeat) although it won't be as bad a Thanksgiving as many of you will have -- am I looking forward to it this year? No, I definitely am not.
Last edited by katharsis; 11-21-2019 at 02:02 PM..
Quick, there's still time. Know anyone that has a puppy that is going out of town? Offer to puppy-sit, then tell everyone you got a puppy and now must stay home. Then when the owner gets back home, say having a puppy is way too stressful and you found a home for it.
Okay, I am joking, but i have a 16 week old pup and a 18 month old dog. I am getting out of invites with ease. No one wants a pup running around, especially if not house trained.
I have come to the conclusion that spending Thanksgiving and all major family involved holidays alone is a better move for a single and unattached person, especially a single and unattached person above the age of 28.
Family gatherings are very uncomfortable for the single and unattached person. Seeing siblings or cousins who are attached or have kids doesn't sit all that well. Additionally, things get really weird with parental divorces and re-marriages. It's quite possible for a younger adult (20s/30s) to end up spending a holiday gathering with some people that are so-called family that he/she did not meet until his/her 20s/30s. That is downright weird and uncomfortable.
The single and unattached person could find themselves invited to a friend's or a co-worker's home for a holiday gathering. With that, you're dealing with the friend or co-worker's family, which isn't tremendously comfortable either, no matter how much you like that friend or co-worker. Best to avoid that as well.
There are very few situations that make sense for a single and unattached person for holiday gatherings, so it's best just to do nothing.
As for attached people, they are usually better off not doing big holiday gatherings either. If you're attached and childless, why bother spending time with family members with obnoxious children? Why not just spend the time alone and enjoying each other's company? A lot of distractions take away from that time, so why not spend an off day from work being romantic? I consider that a better use of time.
I've never understood why a lot of people allocate the precious few paid off days from work that they have to spending time with family members. Why not do something for yourself? It's your vacation time. It's not your mother's time, your father's time, your brother's time, your sister's time, and so on.
I've never understood why a lot of people allocate the precious few paid off days from work that they have to spending time with family members. Why not do something for yourself? It's your vacation time. It's not your mother's time, your father's time, your brother's time, your sister's time, and so on.
I agree with all you said, but mostly this. It's one of the reasons I started turning down BBQ invites. They would always be on the last day of a long weekend, mid-day. So basically it wasn't a day off for me.
Then Thanksgiving. When one works in retail, they don't get Friday off. So go to dinner on Thursday and it's as if you never had a day off. Nevermind that if you're in retail, it's usually the start of 6 weeks of hell, so why make it worse?
My epiphany last year was being invited to a particular siblings for xmas. Now, I hate going to this house. Hate it. It's an absolute madhouse. It's a small house with too many people. Presents are thrown across the room because no one can get up and walk to the person they are giving it to. But my entire family goes when invited, you know, because that's what you do. And it's apparently impolite to ask how many people will be there - if there are only 10, I would be much more inclined to go for a good amount of time. 50 people? No interest. But I can't ask, so I just assume there will be a lot and am happily surprised if there aren't.
My epiphany was that it's not my parents house, or my family tradition. I was remembering when I was a kid and we'd open presents at home, have a big lunch, and then maybe head out to an aunt/uncle's place. Maybe two. We'd "visit".
So that's what I did last year. I "visited". I was watching animals in a few places and it would have been tough to make rounds and spend an entire day anyway, so no point in stressing about it. So mid-afternoon, I "visited" and then left after a couple of hours for supper rounds.
It was truly one of the best visits I've had there. I was dismayed to find out xmas will again be at this same place, but this thread reminded me of last years "visit", so I think that is on the agenda again.
I think what happens is that kids get older and move out and want to start their own traditions. On the flip side you have parents getting older and not wanting to deal with all the people and mess in their houses anymore. So things do change - but what's important to remember is that not everyone needs to like the change or participate in the change. It's ok for Jim's kid to want to do his own thing in their new house. It's also ok for Jim not to go.
(and ya ya I know, people get hurt and offended, trust me, I know! )
No one should feel obligated or pressured to do squat for ANY holiday & even more so if you don't want to do it!
I don't even know why your wife would want to go not make you be subjected to it too. I thought she loved you, ha!
I'm an only child who had nice childhood memories of seeing extended family. Since being an adult though & especially since moving into my own place, I like doing different things and my mom's side of the family has diminished. While there's definitely no ill will, my dad's side does their own thing. One year, I went to a theme park and another went to a dinner buffet at a restaurant. Another time, I had Mom over and another, relaxed at home all day! I even drove to Vegas one Christmastime. (My Mom and I talk 1-2 times daily & see each other regularly. I also have a busy work schedule and so we aren't the types who have to see each other ON the actual holiday or birthday itself.) Since I've moved out of my parents' house, I honestly don't like sitting up in anyone's house all day.
I'm still thinking about what to do still. If money was no object, I'd be in Hawaii, NY, etc. for a few days or a week! I know one thing though...it will be relaxing, calm, fun, & very pleasant no matter what I'm doing.
Last edited by Forever Blue; 11-23-2019 at 11:40 AM..
I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas and the holidays in general! NO DRAMA - well, not much anyway.
Last year my mom was deathly ill and under hospice care. The year before that, she had dementia and was a mess. The year before THAT, my dad had just died. Between funerals, doctor visits, moves, adult kids paying their respects, emotions from every direction - sheeze, I'm ready for some quiet.
DH will be working on Thanksgiving, out of town, so I am just going to go to his brother's house about two hours away and spend the day with my brother in law and sister in law and their best friends - all of whom I like. We are also not cooking - we're going out to some fancy schmancy restaurant and that is fine by me.
Some time before the 20th of December my husband and I will drive down to Austin (about 5 hours away) and spend a couple of days down there, visiting our two adult sons who live down there. They both work the day before and after the holidays so this will just be better. Not sure where we'll be staying but I can assure you it will be at a hotel! I expect a bit of drama there but nothing we can't handle. Mostly good most likely. We will go out to eat, and we will give them their Christmas presents then as well.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day we will just spend together, just the two of us. I told my husband that I will fix a traditional meal and we will eat in the dining room on our fancy china and I could tell he liked that idea a lot! Our oldest son lives in Guam and he won't be home. Our oldest daughter, with our four grandchildren, lives in Germany so we won't see them till the spring, and of course we'd rather have kids around but we're also just excited about spending a very quiet, sweet holiday together! We've never done this before so we're looking forward to it. We've hosted housefuls of people just about every year in the past and we're ready for some peace and quiet this year.
I am TOTALLY stoked about it! Not sure how I'll feel about it next year but this year it sounds great.
Just responding to a note I received anonymously. Thank you but my difficult daughter and I have not made up. I have two daughters (thank goodness) and they have eight grandchildren of mine between them. I am close to one, and her family but the other daughter decided years ago to cut all of us out of her life completely so I lost her as well as four grandchildren. She will not respond to any attempt to contact her and so we haven't spoken or seen each other in nearly three years. It's been the biggest heartbreak of my life but you know what - I'm past sad for her and am now pretty angry with her. I do miss her children but I have a feeling they will be back in touch with me one day.
It would be very difficult to be less enthusiastic about Thanksgiving than I am.
My mother remarried when I was in my 30s and she was in her 60s. We’re still both the same ages. Though my mom and her husband are in a different state than I am in, he has a son that lives 45 minutes from where I live. I am not really interested in spending time with ppl i barely know & didn’t meet until my 30s who I feel zero bond with. I would prefer to do nothing for Thanksgiving.
Since my mother's remarriage was recent, and I'm in my mid-30s, I did not meet her husband until my mid-30s, nor did I meet his kids until my mid-30s. There's almost no history there and no desire to make history. Additionally, this is not the first time since I turned 18 that my mother has re-married. In my early to mid 20s, she had another remarriage and the adult children from both partners in that marriage did not like the marriage, causing animosity. There is still some lingering resentment on my part from that experience.
My mom cares more about her new husband's children than her own nieces and nephews as well from her biological siblings.
It is an unpleasant situation.
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But I can't ask, so I just assume there will be a lot and am happily surprised if there aren't.
)
