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I don't want to go. All I can see is a nightmare on a small island in the middle of no where. I want to spend the time and money from that trip on one I actually want to go on. I am fine with my husband going, and he plans to. Even though he HATES spending time with his siblings and is luke warm on time with his own parents.
So...what would you do?
P.S. I really don't want to go...but there is a ton of pressure to "fall in line", which is how my husband's family seems to operate.
I wouldn’t go, and I wouldn’t feel guilty. They can pressure all they want but you don’t have to deal with that, that is your husband ‘s problem and if he wants to go and fall in line , that’s your husband’s problem. Just smile and tell him to have a good time
I wouldn’t go, and I wouldn’t feel guilty. They can pressure all they want but you don’t have to deal with that, that is your husband ‘s problem and if he wants to go and fall in line , that’s your husband’s problem. Just smile and tell him to have a good time
I agree 1000%! From what you've said, it sounds like a disaster in the making, since this has been your experience in the past with this family.
Can you do something special with your husband's parents at a later date instead?
I'm sorry that your husband isn't happy with your decision but I would think he would be supporting you, given the history you've given us.
Bottom line: Life is too short. Start making your other travel plans!
I'm sorry that your husband isn't happy with your decision but I would think he would be supporting you, given the history you've given us.
I don't know HFB's spouse, but my spouse used to pressure me into going to family events because he thought my presence would take the heat off HIM. If they had me to concentrate on, he could spend the whole time in the den "fixing" his mother's computer.
Is it possible to attend for part of the trip? For example, the day of the big whole family dinner and the group photographs (which is pretty typical at an event like this)? Would your children be the only grandchildren who aren't attending? Would you be the only DIL or SIL not attending?
If you stayed for part of the time you would still be honoring the wishes of your in-laws but not stuck with them for a whole week. I would encourage that if your in laws are elderly or in ill health and may pass away soon.
OTOH, they really sound like jerks and I bet that they will continue the "jerky" behavior.
Or maybe rent housing on the other side of the island so you (and maybe your children, too) can get away from the relatives if they start being mean
If your husband is not able to handle his two children by himself, than shame on him. Start going away overnight or for weekends so that he gets more "hands-on experiences" and builds his confidence.
Is it possible to attend for part of the trip? For example, the day of the big whole family dinner and the group photographs (which is pretty typical at an event like this)? Would your children be the only grandchildren who aren't attending? Would you be the only DIL or SIL not attending?
If you stayed for part of the time you would still be honoring the wishes of your in-laws but not stuck with them for a whole week. I would encourage that if your in laws are elderly or in ill health and may pass away soon.
Probably what I would do for exactly these reasons. Keep the visit short and sweet. It's worked for me for decades when I've had to deal with difficult family. You are simply not going to be available for target practice very long and can probably handle a short time around them. They can't harp on you for not showing up. You won't guilt yourself about backing out completely. Just give a vague explanation like you have other family/kid activities that fell in the same week (oh, so sorry, NOT). If your husband wants to stay longer he can. Look, you are already front-loaded to be miserable based on your OP, so what do you have to lose? Minimize the anxiety and maximize the possibility of having a pleasant trip. If everyone is going to be present the regular offenders might be too busy to cause much trouble.
Last edited by Parnassia; 11-18-2019 at 05:52 PM..
You only get 1 life to live on this planet so you should NEVER waste it on people who have been rude, disrespectful,mean,snooty or just a pain in the butt.Period.You do what will make YOU happy.Why waste money on something that you don't want to go to for the sake of those people who have treated you poorly all these years??WHY put yourself through all of that?For what?! Go on the trip that YOU want to go on and make sure you have a GREAT time!! STOP doing things you don't want to do because of others.
They want you to be there so they can abuse you....huh?
You are mulling over going...and they will abuse you...hmmm.
You all know this going in.
I won't even mention your husband. You have to deal with his abuse, his passive aggressiveness, his lack of ...not even strength in taking a stand...just a simple no on the abuse opportunity...or trip as it may be...would so.
You can't change an adult much. So leave off your husband. You are responsible for yourself and your innocent children.
As you say, you will see MIL and FIL another time.
I don't know HFB's spouse, but my spouse used to pressure me into going to family events because he thought my presence would take the heat off HIM. If they had me to concentrate on, he could spend the whole time in the den "fixing" his mother's computer.
Just one perspective.
!00000% yes. He even said it. I am very chatty and I do most of the child care. So he can hang in the background while I am actually doing stuff. And that is the way he likes it. I swear to god, he even told me that!!!
True. But the pay for date isnt for several more months and the general vibe is "if you can't go, cancel in this period of time". I "can" go. I just dont want to.
The more I think about it, the more I realize I shouldnt go. I would let my husband take the kids, but he isnt able to care for them without me, and he would be the first to admit it. Even though I have tried so much to teach him how to take care of them, he refuses to learn.
They are his kids, too? Right? Let him take them. It would be a good time for him to learn. Think about it.....if you died he'd figure it out in no time. Stop enabling him.
Is it possible to attend for part of the trip? For example, the day of the big whole family dinner and the group photographs (which is pretty typical at an event like this)? Would your children be the only grandchildren who aren't attending? Would you be the only DIL or SIL not attending?
If you stayed for part of the time you would still be honoring the wishes of your in-laws but not stuck with them for a whole week. I would encourage that if your in laws are elderly or in ill health and may pass away soon.
OTOH, they really sound like jerks and I bet that they will continue the "jerky" behavior.
Or maybe rent housing on the other side of the island so you (and maybe your children, too) can get away from the relatives if they start being mean
If your husband is not able to handle his two children by himself, than shame on him. Start going away overnight or for weekends so that he gets more "hands-on experiences" and builds his confidence.
Good luck. That is quite a dilemma.
No it is a full time gig. The resort only rents out for the week and I cant really see a reasonable way we could go there for a few days without being in a resort too. And that would be weird. I dont want to be stuck feeling like an outcast or being shunned or insulted for a whole week. And what if other family members say crap about my kids. I wouldn't put it past them. I know they will both be really hurt.
Yes...I agree, shame on my husband. It has taken me years to learn how to parent my special needs kids and the whole time he has been resistant to new ideas. Conventional parenting doesn't work. But I, their therapists and themselves have made huge progress. But my husband can hardly take them for a meal out to get a hair cut. I am not making any excuses for him....just stating my present reality.
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