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My husband has a difficult family. Between him and his siblings, there are about 15 grandkidskids. My husband NEVER talks to his siblings. I make an occasional social media comment on my SIL and some nieces and nephews, but that is where my relationship ends with all of them (except with one who lived with us for a good amount of time).
I strongly dislike my 2 BILs...like after their behavior, I wont interact with them at all (and havent for 10+ years). They don't like me either. Besides my hubby and kids and MIL and FIL, Maybe 1 member of the 30+ people actually likes me. Because I grew up poor, and I didn't go to fancy schools and I have a very casual way of interacting, I feel like an alien around them. But its not just my feeling, it is what the family was taught.
My MIL and FIL are getting up in age and seem to want to have one last big family reunion. My relationship with them is complex. They really didn't like me and were kind of awful for 10+ years. They have never displayed a photo of our family in their home. My MIL and FIL looked down on me because of my lack of a name-brand education. But over the past 10 years (Ive been "part of the family" for 20 years), I have actually created a bond with them and care about them quite a bit. However, we almost stopped visiting them because my MIL would harp on one of my kid's weight. Luckily, she stopped when I spoke to her about it. But it has only been one visit since then (we see each other about once a year). But they have chilled out with age.
My in-laws have booked a big family reunion at a resort for this coming summer. We initially agreed to go and it felt like a gift I could give my MIL and FIL just by coming. I know their family is so important to them, especially in their golden years and I know their dream is that all of their kids, their spouses and their grandkids come.
BUT..................................I LOVE TO TRAVEL!!! And this year I am not getting many chances to travel. I also love to travel with my kids, but being that they both have special needs, it is actually really hard to have other people around because I need to focus on my kid's needs that means adjusting plans as needed. And I have faced a lot of judgement from my husband's family about how I parent (my kid's special needs are invisible, but significant). I also left a high paying and "braggable" career to care for my kids full time, and that upsets me FIL a lot. Its like you aren't anything unless they can brag about your status.
So, with all this said. I dont want to go. I want to plan a different trip with the money we would spend on this trip. My parenting is constantly judged because...because our life isnt perfect. I was even blamed for my child having a diagnosed learning disorder by a family member. One of those BILs I don't like spent most of our last family reunion telling his kids how I was a terrible mom and ungodly. He wouldnt even let his kids spend time alone with me. They are all grown now, but I feel they still judge me.
I don't want to go. All I can see is a nightmare on a small island in the middle of no where. I want to spend the time and money from that trip on one I actually want to go on. I am fine with my husband going, and he plans to. Even though he HATES spending time with his siblings and is luke warm on time with his own parents.
So...what would you do?
P.S. I really don't want to go...but there is a ton of pressure to "fall in line", which is how my husband's family seems to operate.
If they were paying for it, I'd say suck it up and go. But, they aren't.
People from families that "fall in line" have great difficulty not doing what everyone else in the family is doing. They experience all kinds of guilt, pressure and remorse. Even when, as with your husband, they don't particularly like to spend time with their families of origin.
Why not suggest a vacation as a family? YOUR family. They sound pretty awful.
If he's hell bent on going, suggest he goes, and plan something alone. You didn't mention if you have children.
If you don't go, they will all judge you. But who cares? If you go, they will also judge you.
I'd really avoid this trip. It could be a nightmare.
He's been doing just that for 20 years. Why would he change now?
Why has she put up with it for 20 years? That's a topic of discussion the OP needs to have with her husband.
If he wants her to attend this reunion she needs to make it very clear that she isn't putting up with insults, pointed or veiled. If he agrees, and doesn't follow through, the OP can either pack up the kids and fly home, or move to another hotel on the island.
That is my big issue. I am not really "good enough". And our kids arent "good enough". I have tried to talk to my MIL and FIL about the disabilities my kids have and they always shut me down and change the topic to something light.
But if you don't see them very often, why bother getting into their disabilities?
We had a similar situation years ago. My hubby spent each day of the vacation with his family. My son and I would stay for an hour, and then my son and I would leave and go somewhere else for the rest of the day to do something fun (i.e., swimming, going to a museum, etc.)
This way hubby satisfied his family obligations, the in-laws got to see their grandchild each day for an hour, and our son and I got out of there before the in-laws started telling me that his disability would be cured if I was just a better mother.
It all worked out very well, and everyone was satisfied.
We had a similar situation years ago. My hubby spent each day of the vacation with his family. My son and I would stay for an hour, and then my son and I would leave and go somewhere else for the rest of the day to do something fun (i.e., swimming, going to a museum, etc.)
This way hubby satisfied his family obligations, the in-laws got to see their grandchild each day for an hour, and our son and I got out of there before the in-laws started telling me that his disability would be cured if I was just a better mother.
It all worked out very well, and everyone was satisfied.
Since you have had the experience of the passing of time, how are things now? Especially as the inlaws addressed your being a better moth and your husband then staying all day with that?
They are his kids, too? Right? Let him take them. It would be a good time for him to learn. Think about it.....if you died he'd figure it out in no time. Stop enabling him.
We have no idea if she "enables" him. What we have is her claims; he may see it entirely differently. He may think that she is too stringent and regimented and he allows the kids more room. On the other hand he may be the one who requires more discipline and she could be the one who lets them do almost anything. We don't know. That does not mean that either one is right or wrong in their parenting. Haven't we all seen parents who are hypercritical about some, or all, of the thigs their partner does regarding their kids?
We do know the OP is quite chatty and from her own words is judgemental and does not allow that people change as their experiences widen. Some of her complaints go back many years. I believe she needs to allow for different possibilities for what others intend in their words and actions than what she seems quick to take as insulting. If she only mentioned once about how many of her inlaws consider her education or background somehow inferior that would have been too much. Her citing it numerous times indicates she may be trying way too hard to overcome a condition that does not exist except in her own mind.
I believe the husband and kids should definitely go because it's their family and it's what they want. He may feel perfectly capable of doing it without her. If that is not possible it should be very possible for her to disappear for hours at a time and do some things on her own or with those few family members she accepts.
OP, if you expect this type of treatment; "I dont want to be stuck feeling like an outcast or being shunned or insulted for a whole week.," then, frankly, you'd be foolish for subjecting yourself to such a "vacation."
He's been doing just that for 20 years. Why would he change now?
He has done some work on it over the years. But he still is always zoned out around his parents. He knows he does that, but he feels as judged, of not more, then I do. So it’s somewhat better, but he isn’t great at introspection or change so I don’t see him making a ton of progress between now and summer.
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