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obviously one can only form an opinion on what the op posts. It would be interesting to hear from the husband and in-laws. I suspect, can't be sure, but suspect that the op is part of the problem. I am seeing her as obsessively wanting to control every aspect of her family's life.
It would be interesting to know what she thinks would happen if she suddenly was unable to take care of "her kids." what's the back up plan if she gets in an accident or ill and has to spend weeks out of commission. Cancer happens, strokes, tramatic head injuries..... Is everyone going to collapse?
I think everyone in the family will have more fun if op isn't there.
We just had a huge family reunion. It was the first time EVER that all of us were together. It was extremely expensive for several of us who had to fly from all over the country. Our special needs grandchildren were there and my mom expressed concern several times in the months leading up to the reunion about whether or not they could behave. We made sure that each one always had an adult with them to prevent issues and it worked.
Before this reunion, my mom also didn't want to accept the severity of one of her great granddaughter's psych problems, so I get how hard that can be for the OP as well. But she behaved with all of us helping. And it was good for her to get love from the rest of the family.
So now it's all said and done and the photos are coming back, relationships were formed between family members who never had chances to connect. It was worth every penny, every minute. It will probably never happen again. I am so thankful that everyone made the effort. And even the ones who didn't really like each other were fine, more grown up now.
OP, maybe there could be some good points to going.
There are also some good points to NOT GOING.
Being in close proximity to people who REALLY have decided that you are not "what they ordered" for their son, brother, BIL etc. - AND having many more of them than you could range from cold and uncomfortable to contentious and argumentative to explosive.
KaraG with your situation, it sounds as though such a reunion did work out. However, there was not a designated "problematic person" who happens to be an in-law.
The OP has a history with these people. No one is really excited about seeing her. They want to see her husband and the two kids. They may want to - put her in "her place". use this as an opportunity for verbal abuse and snarly innuendo, and if she becomes hurt, and expresses this, then she is "thin skinned" "has no sense of humor" or worse, "she's crazy, and this proves it".
Something similar happened to me, in a previous and short lived marriage. It involved a sudden need to go back to my first husband's family's home land in Scandinavia and Ireland. They were not wild about me. Other than the countries involved, the situation was really similar.
I was alone with a "half ally". He did suggest that they also visited nearby cities in Northern Ireland and one Scandinavian country where my ancestors were from and they were convinced that I'd "put him up to it".
Past behavior is the greatest predictor of future behavior, and clannish families who "fall in line" as the OP said, and become clannish under pressure are so very difficult.
I wouldn't spent more than two hours with these people.
Don't go and don't feel guilty. Your husband can go if he wants to go. Don't subject your children to this group of people either. We have one child with special needs and the Mama Bear comes out in me if anyone says anything to or about our child. People can be cruel and so can family.
Your husband has allowed his family to treat you like this over the years?
Obviously one can only form an opinion on what the OP posts. It would be interesting to hear from the husband and in-laws. I suspect, can't be sure, but suspect that the OP is part of the problem. I am seeing her as obsessively wanting to control every aspect of her family's life.
It would be interesting to know what she thinks would happen if she suddenly was unable to take care of "her kids." What's the back up plan if she gets in an accident or ill and has to spend weeks out of commission. Cancer happens, strokes, tramatic head injuries..... Is everyone going to collapse?
I think everyone in the family will have more fun if OP isn't there.
Agree. OP seems to be hiding behind her kids when she is the one who has the issue with the in-laws. There’s been a “yeah, but...†for every proposed solution. Poor kids. They’re being used as pawns. Poor kids.
Mi too would be interested in hearing husband or in-laws perspective. My guess is it would be very different.
My in-laws have booked a big family reunion at a resort for this coming summer. We initially agreed to go and it felt like a gift I could give my MIL and FIL just by coming. I know their family is so important to them, especially in their golden years and I know their dream is that all of their kids, their spouses and their grandkids come.
This has been my dream as well, as a grandma. That's why I was so happy that our reunion worked out. I'm sure some of my kids-in-law might have rather done something else, but this was our whole family's one opportunity to connect.
Past behavior is the greatest predictor of future behavior, and clannish families who "fall in line" as the OP said, and become clannish under pressure are so very difficult.
I wouldn't spent more than two hours with these people.
I wish I could rep this!
Evidentially, I've rep your posts too many times before.
This has been my dream as well, as a grandma. That's why I was so happy that our reunion worked out. I'm sure some of my kids-in-law might have rather done something else, but this was our whole family's one opportunity to connect.
I think it goes deeper with HFB. I think if her in-laws wanted to get the whole family together in their golden years, then they could have treated their son's wife a whole heck of a lot better. Actions have consequences and maybe it's time her husband's family learns that.
I would send the husband and the kids if they wanted to go. I know you said he can't take care of them, but they aren't babies or toddlers. Is it your son that has CAPD?
I took a trip with the entire orchestra & band from my twin daughters HS in March to NYC with my severely autistic 15-year-old son.
His first time ever on a plane. I was terrified, literally; that he would do something to ground the plane & ruin the trip for everybody. But it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for both of us.
I made it clear that we would follow the itinerary randomly & that I would opt-out at will; depending on certain trigger factors or his own stamina. Sort of flying by the seat, if you will.
It was the best experience of his life. Went off without a hitch (with one brief tense moment at LaGuardia) but you know; it's just easier to assert yourself around acquaintances than it is family, for some reason. I could travel with my family because they are non-confrontational. His dad's family is too but they often think I am too 'protective'. They don't see him every day & they have no clue about his potential. I don't know if I could travel with them.
They wouldn't say anything, I don't think but you probably understand how you just get that feeling of being judged when you are out in public with a child with special needs ... it's just uncomfortable.
The phone rings. A woman picks it up. A frantic voice on the other end shouts "Mother In Law, where are you?!?"
"What do you mean, High Flying Bird? I'm here at home, of course!"
"What?!? Why aren't you here on the island?"
"What are you talking about? The trip isn't until next week. The twenty-seventh."
"Twenty-seventh? No, you said it was the twenty-second! We're already here and checked in to the resort!"
And thus the call goes, as Mother In Law is horrified to discover that HFB and her family have mistakenly shown up on the island five days early, and will be leaving on the same day that the rest of the family arrives. But nothing can be done about it now. They reluctantly come to realize that their only time together will be at the island's airport, when HFB greets her extended family as they arrive, before she and her immediate family departs on the return flight.
They hang up, and a big grin sprouts on HFB's face. "They bought it, honey. They really did think that I thought it was the twenty-second. Now, let's go off and enjoy our vacation here on this beautiful island -- just you, me, and the kids."
Flat out, if there's anxiety, it's not a vacation. Don't waste your days doing stuff you don't want to do.
Chores and errands have a benefit, spending time with people whom you do not like does not.
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