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They are his kids, too? Right? Let him take them. It would be a good time for him to learn. Think about it.....if you died he'd figure it out in no time. Stop enabling him.
Probably what I would do for exactly these reasons. Keep the visit short and sweet. It's worked for me for decades when I've had to deal with difficult family. You are simply not going to be available for target practice very long and can probably handle a short time around them. They can't harp on you for not showing up. You won't guilt yourself about backing out completely. Just give a vague explanation like you have other family/kid activities that fell in the same week (oh, so sorry, NOT). If your husband wants to stay longer he can. Look, you are already front-loaded to be miserable based on your OP, so what do you have to lose? Minimize the anxiety and maximize the possibility of having a pleasant trip. If everyone is going to be present the regular offenders might be too busy to cause much trouble.
Yep, when we see my parents in law its limited to 3-5 days and mostly we just have meals together and do 2 or 3 outings. Its perfect that way
Yes...I agree, shame on my husband. It has taken me years to learn how to parent my special needs kids and the whole time he has been resistant to new ideas. Conventional parenting doesn't work. But I, their therapists and themselves have made huge progress. But my husband can hardly take them for a meal out to get a hair cut. I am not making any excuses for him....just stating my present reality.
!00000% yes. He even said it. I am very chatty and I do most of the child care. So he can hang in the background while I am actually doing stuff. And that is the way he likes it. I swear to god, he even told me that!!!
!00000% yes. He even said it. I am very chatty and I do most of the child care. So he can hang in the background while I am actually doing stuff. And that is the way he likes it. I swear to god, he even told me that!!!
Jesus. If this is true, I would pat him on the head, wish him well at the reunion and shut the door behind him without a whit of guilt.
I was going to suggest that taking the kids would be a gift to them, not your in-laws, but if they are still being verbally abused by their grandparents, then they shouldn't ever be exposed to them.
Let your husband go alone and be with his family. Based on what you've written, there's nothing to be gained for you or the kids to be there. He apparently doesn't believe in going out of his way to help you, so why do that for him in this case??
!00000% yes. He even said it.
I am very chatty and I do most of the child care. So he can hang in the background while I am actually doing stuff. And that is the way he likes it. I swear to god, he even told me that!!!
While I doubt that this will help the OP, my comment might help others. My niece and her husband had three children over eight years. Needless to say they could be a handful when they were young. They worked it out that when it was a get-together with my niece's family her husband would take over all, or at least the majority, of the childcare so that she could enjoy her family. And, when they had get-togethers with his family she would do the "kid wrangling" and stay in the background so that he could catch up with his family. I actually know several families that handle it that way.
While I doubt that this will help the OP, my comment might help others. My niece and her husband had three children over eight years. Needless to say they could be a handful when they were young. They worked it out that when it was a get-together with my niece's family her husband would take over all, or at least the majority, of the childcare so that she could enjoy her family. And, when they had get-togethers with his family she would do the "kid wrangling" and stay in the background so that he could catch up with his family. I actually know several families that handle it that way.
My SIL had four children in five years. When they arrived at our in-laws house, they abdicated all parenting responsibilities from the moment they walked in the door and "let" the grandparents wrangle them the entire holiday. Not a perfect approach.
This sounds like the OP's husband is ALWAYS in the background "letting" her do all the work regardless of where they are.
I understand why you don't want to go HFB, but personally, if it was important to my husband, I would make the trip. They'll talk about you whether you're there or not. I would set some ground rules in advance, # 1 being that hubby shuts down any criticism of you or the children, immediately. I can't fathom a husband sitting by silently while his spouse and kids are subjected to abuse. I would also demand some family only excursions to minimize the time spent with the in-laws. And finally, you get to plan another trip.
I would set some ground rules in advance, # 1 being that hubby shuts down any criticism of you or the children, immediately. I can't fathom a husband sitting by silently while his spouse and kids are subjected to abuse.
He's been doing just that for 20 years. Why would he change now?
I wouldn't want to go either if I wasn't getting any support from my husband when entering hostile territory. But ..... if I knew for a fact that it really and truly was going to be the very last time there will ever be a big family reunion then I would need to give it more careful consideration on behalf of my children and what they want and what their capabilities are, not on behalf of what I only want for myself alone.
Therefore I'm curious about some things about your kids - you didn't say how old your kids are or if they know about the grandparents' planned last family reunion vacation on this island. So just exactly how old and how big are your kids, and if the kids do know about the reunion, what do they want to do? If they don't know yet but will find out about it, what do you think the kids will want to do? Would they want to go and see all the other family members for this one last big family reunion where it would supposedly be the last time they will all get to see each other together? Are your kids old enough and intellectually capable of understanding the significance of a last family reunion?
If the family is really so hostile towards me then I wouldn't go myself, but (depending on kids capabilities to function without mom) if the kids want to go I would let the kids go with their dad and dad can hire a special needs caretaker/babysitter (all expenses paid by dad and the grandparents) to accompany them and help him. It could be a valuable learning experience and a lesson in humility for their dad and the rest of his family to have to care for his own children (even with the help of a babysitter) without their mom there to do all the dirty work.
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