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This seems to be the best suggestion. Just go and, for the most part, plan your days to spend them mostly with your kids doing something you all will enjoy, and just spend a minimal amount of time each day with the MIL and FIL, since they are the only ones you really care about anyway, and just see the others in passing as you go about your own fun island vacation without having to hang out with the whole clan. In other words, do what you would do if you went on your own family vacation without the rest of the folks involved. Since your kids are really the only non-adults, except for that one kid, you can just say that you're doing kid-friendly stuff, and the other adults won't care for it anyway. You might even offer to take that other kid with yours if you can handle him/her. If there's one big family meal, or the big photo op, show up for a short period and then go off and continue as you were.
You might also research what other vacation type destinations are close by so if things really go south you can just pack up and go there.
That happened once to us when I was very young. We were at the grandparents in New England and we ended up going to Cape Cod (unscheduled) after a couple of days. I was too young to know what exactly went wrong.
You don't find it odd that a physician would be SO hands-off when dealing with his own children and their needs???
LOL have you spent a lot of time with doctors? They are normal people with normal parenting skills. Some are great, some suck, most are in between like the rest of us. Besides their area of specialty, they are normal people with normal people strengths and weaknesses.
P.S. Maybe you are thinking about changing colostomy bags, or applying bandages, etc (although that is mostly nursing things and alot of docs cant even do nursing tasks, especially later in their career). But those aren't the issues we deal with. He does manage their medications, though.
Since you have had the experience of the passing of time, how are things now? Especially as the inlaws addressed your being a better moth and your husband then staying all day with that?
This was over 15 years ago. Our son is an adult now.
My husband's very good at ignoring anything he does not want to hear. I will hear something upsetting and react to it. My husband will let it go without comment. He would say something about it to me later on, in private.
OP, some here have encouraged you to spend your time and money on vacations that you would truly enjoy, as would your kids and husband. Others have offered options that limit time with the extended family but that still offer the benefits of attending this family event.
In my mind, the only right answer is the one that you feel is best for you. You've given this a lot of thought and would be making a considered decision. I say don't let guilt or social pressure cloud your judgment, and don't seek permission from anyone other than yourself.
Wow you judge me, my husband, my judgement, my parenting and my children all in a few lines. Congrats. You might just be one of my inlaws. But I agree with one line from your post, I think you should go see a professional...
News flash, YOU put all this out here to be judged by others. Me included.
You are the one who said your children's issues are invisible, your inlaws change the subject when you bring up their issues, and your husband is unable to parent his children.
It's a pretty transparent picture you have painted.
You have asked for opinions and I gave you mine. Because I didn't side with you, you told me to see a professional.
What problem did I put out there?
Reread everything you posted.
I didn't tell you to see a professional to get anything fixed. I told you to see a professional to get the tools to deal with this mess.
Some are great, some suck, most are in between like the rest of us.
Ok. IMHO "Refusing to learn how to care" for his own kids would fall on the sucky end of that spectrum.
Yes, I forgot how this works. So obviously you've had a night to sleep on it and read the reactions to your post, and rather than the bleak picture you painted for us yesterday:
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Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
My husband NEVER talks to his siblings.
I strongly dislike my 2 BILs...
I wont interact with them at all (and havent for 10+ years). They don't like me either.
Maybe 1 member of the 30+ people actually likes me.
I feel like an alien around them.
My MIL and FIL ... really didn't like me and were kind of awful for 10+ years.
However, we almost stopped visiting them because my MIL would harp on one of my kid's weight.
I have faced a lot of judgement from my husband's family about how I parent ...
I dont want to go.
My parenting is constantly judged because...because our life isnt perfect.
I was even blamed for my child having a diagnosed learning disorder by a family member.
He wouldnt even let his kids spend time alone with me.
I don't want to go.
P.S. I really don't want to go...
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
I am not really "good enough". And our kids arent "good enough". I have tried to talk to my MIL and FIL about the disabilities my kids have and they always shut me down and change the topic to something light.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
The more I think about it, the more I realize I shouldnt go.
I would let my husband take the kids, but he isnt able to care for them without me, and he would be the first to admit it. Even though I have tried so much to teach him how to take care of them, he refuses to learn.
... you're now LOLing through your replies and brushing off everyone's rightful concern about this situation.
I get that this is a long-term problem that is coming to a head with this reunion and likely won't be the catalyst for a big gesture of independence from you.
Only you know how much your own actions played into this situation. But you honestly do have good reason to stay home. The trip sounds like a nightmare and not something I would be pulled into just because I like to travel.
You only get 1 life to live on this planet so you should NEVER waste it on people who have been rude, disrespectful,mean,snooty or just a pain in the butt.Period.You do what will make YOU happy.Why waste money on something that you don't want to go to for the sake of those people who have treated you poorly all these years??WHY put yourself through all of that?For what?! Go on the trip that YOU want to go on and make sure you have a GREAT time!! STOP doing things you don't want to do because of others.
This.
Besides work, I don't go anywhere I don't want to go.
Especially if the people are aholes.
I mean, seriously...how is this even an issue?
Your hubby did a crappy job of protecting you from his family, he did a crappy job of putting his wife and kids first, and he can go have fun with these miscreants without trying to guilt you for not wanting to be abused.
We just had a huge family reunion. It was the first time EVER that all of us were together. It was extremely expensive for several of us who had to fly from all over the country. Our special needs grandchildren were there and my mom expressed concern several times in the months leading up to the reunion about whether or not they could behave. We made sure that each one always had an adult with them to prevent issues and it worked.
Before this reunion, my mom also didn't want to accept the severity of one of her great granddaughter's psych problems, so I get how hard that can be for the OP as well. But she behaved with all of us helping. And it was good for her to get love from the rest of the family.
So now it's all said and done and the photos are coming back, relationships were formed between family members who never had chances to connect. It was worth every penny, every minute. It will probably never happen again. I am so thankful that everyone made the effort. And even the ones who didn't really like each other were fine, more grown up now.
OP, maybe there could be some good points to going.
Obviously one can only form an opinion on what the OP posts. It would be interesting to hear from the husband and in-laws. I suspect, can't be sure, but suspect that the OP is part of the problem. I am seeing her as obsessively wanting to control every aspect of her family's life.
It would be interesting to know what she thinks would happen if she suddenly was unable to take care of "her kids." What's the back up plan if she gets in an accident or ill and has to spend weeks out of commission. Cancer happens, strokes, tramatic head injuries..... Is everyone going to collapse?
I think everyone in the family will have more fun if OP isn't there.
Obviously one can only form an opinion on what the OP posts. It would be interesting to hear from the husband and in-laws. I suspect, can't be sure, but suspect that the OP is part of the problem. I am seeing her as obsessively wanting to control every aspect of her family's life.
Families bond in different ways. It is not unusual for families to bond over social class. A distinction like a private education becomes paramount.
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Because I grew up poor, and I didn't go to fancy schools and I have a very casual way of interacting, I feel like an alien around them. But its not just my feeling, it is what the family was taught.
As the OP lacks it, then the family bonds over not including the outsider.
There is little for her to do.
Doctors, while very book smart, can be a little dense when dealing with emotions.
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