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I agree. If you have it in you to be an @sshole, then do the paternity test at birth, so at least the kid doesn't grow up with an @sshole for a father.
This post sums it up why fathers opt to do paternity test without notifying the mother. And they have no risk in doing so at all. If anyone wants to argue that a father can smile to the mother and ask her to do the paternity test together, they got their answer.
Once again, victims of cuckoldry are unsuspecting men and men who had doubts about suspicious behavior but they never knew of the affair itself. This quoted attitude is the best example that they'd never be able to do the testing out of curiosity.
For their own well-being and well-being of everyone, they'll have to take paternity kits from their local drug store or somewhere else, take the samples and send them anonymously, then check the results from the internet. They'll be anxious, but once it's done they'll generally do it without a second thought for every other child in the future, since it's generally not a rocket science anyways.
It's been proven not only in the animal kingdom, but in human beings that men prefer and treat better children that are their own. The topic is about what the man should do. The child is at the mercy of adults. That's why children can't consent to a lot of things nor can they legally smoke, drink, or view pornography. Adoption is not the same as cuckolding. Why won't you people understand that? One is a choice. The other is a lie. I still may love them, but I'm not caring for them. I'm going to tell the child EVERYTHING that happened. Complete honesty.
My answer is about what the man should do.
And not all men would stop loving the child. That's your issue.
You are free to be mad at the mother. Never said you couldn't be. Never said you have to say married. Never said it wasn't wrong of the woman.
But putting kids first is what grownups do. Being a father is about more than sperm. Otherwise people would never become attached to and raise kids that are not their spawn.
And not all men would stop loving the child. That's your issue.
You are free to be mad at the mother. Never said you couldn't be. Never said you have to say married. Never said it wasn't wrong of the woman.
But putting kids first is what grownups do. Being a father is about more than sperm. Otherwise people would never become attached to and raise kids that are not their spawn.
Not being a cheating ***** is also what grownups do. If men continue to care for kids they thought was theirs and turns out to be a lie then let the wimp continue to pay. Also your comment suggests that this is normal and men should just accept it. I'm not talking about adoption, babysitting, or anything that the man wasn't lied to about. I'm referring to cuckolded men. Men should not raise a child he was cuckolded into having with a cheating woman. Oh, and the definition of a father IS the man who supplied the sperm. Everything else is a stepfather/guardian.
Who said anything about sweeping it under the rug or not telling the child?
You can tell the child but also tell them you still love them and will continue to be a parent to them.
And the "better to be raised by bio parents" thing is debatable, but even then that's about being raised by them from the start. Not AFTER they've already developed security and love with another set of parents. If that was the case, then it would always be better to take kids form their adoptive parents and send them to their bio parents, no matter how old they are or what the bio parents have to offer.
No I wouldn't throw the kid out on the street. But I'm not you. I'm a grown ass woman who can handle what I have to handle.
That child would see his siblings and not live in poverty. If I stayed with the husband, the child would continue to see him. Women have done that in the past. Grow up.
You wouldn't throw him on the street... but your comment seems like you would. I mean, unless you reason the cynical way like this: "technically, I'm not throwing you on the street, because your mommy maid and my cheating husband will take you with them".
I noticed that from "visiting" part, correct me if I'm wrong. It seems we agreed on what to do. I actually expected that you'd do that. "Kids have the right to visit their stepbrother but he's not of my concern, no way in hell does he deserve to live in my house with the siblings. He may come and visit us when I get to feel better".
Just to tell you, it is in best interest of the children to be raised together and not be separated. It's in their best interest to stay in the same house. Now please argue that they won't be separated because the little boy will be visiting them like any other friend that they have in school. That's not the point. That's not the best interest of the child. Child's best interest would be to stay in home with you and your children, unless your husband gets the custody so that they reside together, with you out of equation.
EDIT: I'm really glad that you answered, you made my day because I expected you to write exactly that and fall into the trap
It's been proven not only in the animal kingdom, but in human beings that men prefer and treat better children that are their own. The topic is about what the man should do. The child is at the mercy of adults. That's why children can't consent to a lot of things nor can they legally smoke, drink, or view pornography. Adoption is not the same as cuckolding. Why won't you people understand that? One is a choice. The other is a lie. I still may love them, but I'm not caring for them. I'm going to tell the child EVERYTHING that happened. Complete honesty.
Don't get carried away. Mothers mistreat their step-children as well. I argued it in my first post on this topic. A small percentage of people can be truly good parents with their step-children, and it also requires the biological parent to help them fully in that process.
Most step-parents will not be able to fully succeed for various reasons. And a fraction of them will be terrible, much bigger fraction than is the case of biological parents.
That's the fact and some mentioning of "libbies" is really unnecessary. It has nothing to do with "being a libby" or not. It's a common knowledge to any adult.
Don't get carried away. Mothers mistreat their step-children as well. I argued it in my first post on this topic. A small percentage of people can be truly good parents with their step-children, and it also requires the biological parent to help them fully in that process.
Most step-parents will not be able to fully succeed for various reasons. And a fraction of them will be terrible, much bigger fraction than is the case of biological parents.
That's the fact and some mentioning of "libbies" is really unnecessary. It has nothing to do with "being a libby" or not. It's a common knowledge to any adult.
True, you can look up that, statistically, women are the biggest perpetrators of child abuse. I was referring step children and men, but the stats about child abuse from women is across the board. Women aren't innocent either. It's just a media stereotype that men are horrible parents when the stats show that not only are most criminals raised by single mothers, but that single fathers raise children better.
Not being a cheating ***** is also what grownups do. If men continue to care for kids they thought was theirs and turns out to be a lie then let the wimp continue to pay. Also your comment suggests that this is normal and men should just accept it. I'm not talking about adoption, babysitting, or anything that the man wasn't lied to about. I'm referring to cuckolded men. Men should not raise a child he was cuckolded into having with a cheating woman. Oh, and the definition of a father IS the man who supplied the sperm. Everything else is a stepfather/guardian.
No, I'm not saying that. That's what you are projecting. It is not "normal". It is despicable.
But here's the thing... fukked up shyt happens. That's life. How you react to it is up to you. If you would rather focus on your ego than the child you've been raising... if you would rather abandon him or her so you can get revenge.. well okay. All I'm saying is own up to it, don't act like it's benevolent of better for the child. That's about you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nald
You wouldn't throw him on the street... but your comment seems like you would. I mean, unless you reason the cynical way like this: "technically, I'm not throwing you on the street, because your mommy maid and my cheating husband will take of you".
I noticed that from "visiting" part, correct me if I'm wrong.
That's not what I mean. If we stay together, get divorced... that's up to the situation and whether or not the relationship is reparable... just like it would be for a man who was married to a woman who he after found out lied about a child's paternity. I'm not saying stay married for the kids.
I'm saying stay in the child's life and continue being a father. The emotional bonds are there, and you are the only father the kid knows. I would not stop my husband from seeing ANY of his kids, not matter how "fair" it was to me. It's not about me. If it was best the kid lived with us, then they would.
Anyway, that scenario is not the equivalent, since we are talking about what to do if you are raising a kid that turns out not to be biologically yours. For women I suppose a "switched at birth" scenario would be closer. Maybe a nurse lied, or the other mom did it and didn't tell. In either case I would not walk away from the child I raised.
True, you can look up that, statistically, women are the biggest perpetrators of child abuse. I was referring step children and men, but the stats about child abuse from women is across the board. Women aren't innocent either. It's just a media stereotype that men are horrible parents when the stats show that not only are most criminals raised by single mothers, but that single fathers raise children better.
No, you don't get my point, but it's good that the post will be relevant to step-parenting which is a part of this topic.
It is an universal attitude that encompasses the gender. Step-parents will, as a general rule, treat their step-children in poorer/worse manner than their own biological children. The common notion are stories where the step-daughter gets beat up regularly when her stepmother is in a bad mood. See, it doesn't depict it to say like "women are main perpetrators of child abuse", but that the stepmother will choose to vent out on the step-child as a rule of thumb. This isn't some fairy tale blabbering either, it's a common thing.
Both stepfathers and stepmothers act in this manner, they mistreat the step-child more often or they simply care less about them. Very few step-parents can overcome this and they are genuinely good persons. But even they require biological parent's help and full support to establish themselves as true parents and overcome the non-biology factor. Lots of people find the biology as "not a big deal".... well, it play a very prominent role but too many people are just hypocrites to admit it... or there may be too much political correctness involved.
No, I'm not saying that. That's what you are projecting. It is not "normal". It is despicable.
But here's the thing... fukked up shyt happens. That's life. How you react to it is up to you. If you would rather focus on your ego than the child you've been raising... if you would rather abandon him or her so you can get revenge.. well okay. All I'm saying is own up to it, don't act like it's benevolent of better for the child. That's about you.
Thats not what I mean. If we stay together, get divorced... that's up to the situation and whether or not the relationship is reparable... just like it would be for a man who was married to a woman who he after found out lied about a child's paternity. I'm not saying stay married for the kids.
I'm saying stay in the child's life and continue being a father. The emotional bonds are there, and you are the only father the kid knows. I would not stop my husband from seeing ANY of his kids, not matter how "fair" it was to me. It's not about me. If it was best the kid lived with us, then they would.
Anyway, that scenario is not the equivalent, since we are talking about what to do if you are raising a kid that turns out not to be biologically yours. For women I suppose a "switched at birth" scenario would be closer. Maybe a nurse lied, or the other mom did it and didn't tell. In either case I would not walk away from the child I raised.
So what are you saying? Tell me that he should continue to take care of a child that was born out of a lie. That's not his. This is about how the man should react not how the child feel because like you said: fukked up shyt happens. Why not be honest and own up to it. You talk about ego, but the main one who seems to have an ego is the mother who's got a kid from one and money from the other and thinks it's okay. Tell me the man should continue to pay for a child he thought was his and found out it wasn't because his woman cheated.
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