The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (19 year old, safety)
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Well I'm confused then. If the dad has a full time job, the baby can be on his insurance, right? Why is the first reaction to run to the welfare office to see what they can get? There are many people who live off what the boyfriend makes alone and manage, and they wouldn't qualify anyway. What they need to be doing is looking for apartments, something they should be doing without Mom's help anyway. Now I'm even more curious to know if this girl is really even pregnant at all.
He doesn't have insurance through his employer. The company isn't large enough to require it. They'd need to apply for obammacare. Dd is covered on my insurance per obammacare.
I would be so happy if it turned out she's not pregnant. Given there has been a major change in her attitude, I'm inclined to believe she's telling the truth. I don't think just kicking her out would cause this kind of change. She was SO ANGRY when she left. She swore up and down we'd NEVER see her again. Now she's reaching out to her parents. She's never done that before. Her typical reaction to being told she can't have what she wants (to move back home) would be to throw an angry hissy fit. She didn't. She just got quiet and let it sink in. She's not acting as I would expect her to if this were a ruse designed to get us to let her move back home. There's also the fact that something motivated her boyfriend to get a second job. If she's lying, she's lying to him too. We'll know soon enough. One thing does make me think she might be lying and that is that she hasn't had an ultrasound. Seems to me they normally do one right away with first pregnancies to make sure the baby is implanted properly. She hasn't had one yet. Maybe her doctor doesn't do them early. Or maybe, this thread was a total waste of time in which case...the party's at my house.
OP, I sympathize with your situation and I understand where you're coming from on wanting your daughter to step up and deal with the decisions she's made. But I guess I don't understand where you're coming from when you say that you're not going to bail her out, but you want her to try and get everysingle government subsidy and program available.That means us taxpayers, whoaren't her family, are "bailing her out". I tend to think that government assistance should be the last resort and for those who really can't make it on their own. Primary support should come from family and friends if possible. I'm not trying to hammer you. I do understand your position. But I just think that there are ways you could help her while still making it clear that she needs to step up and deal with the situation herself. A life where she receives government subsidies and handouts isn't going to teach her anything either. Besides, it sounds like they make too much.
Obviously, no one on C-D really knows what you are thinking but I always had the impression from your posts on various forums that you would be a person who would be complaining loud and long to your friends and coworkers about "those stupid, ignorant girls who try to get pregnant so that they will take my hard earned money away from me by getting on welfare, why don't their families help them instead of the taxpayers" (or something like that).
And now that it is your daughter, who, by an amazing coincidence within days of leaving your home became pregnant. Not only are you helping her to seek out every possible government program that you can think of to "bail her out" but you are already pointing out that you expect your daughter and the BF to quit their jobs so that they may be eligible for more government assistance.
Maybe, I am totally wrong and you have not been strongly discouraging young adults to have babies and go on welfare or at least not complaining about them, but I really doubt it. So isn't it rather hypocritical of you to expect the taxpayers to bail out your daughter when your family and, I'm guessing, BF's family are comfortably middle class?
I know that it is not PC to say those things out loud (in writing), but I bet that there are many other readers thinking the very same thing. It isn't that much that you are encouraging it, as they have every right to seek out government programs, but it really sounds like you are bragging about having the taxpayers help your daughter so that you don't need to help her.
Have you considered other ways of helping, that are not enabling, but put more of the focus on family helping family rather than "I wash my hands of her, let the government take care of DD now"?
You stepson wanted to help by offering reduced rent on one of the houses that he owned (granted it was way out of their price range). He was thinking "family helping family".
What are the BF's family doing to assist regarding their future grandchild?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
Right now, their income is between $2000-$3000 per month but that's with him working two jobs and her working full time. I don't expect he'll keep the second job after the baby is born and it remains to be seen if she'll even have a job to go back to. (snip)
If they can keep up him working two jobs, her working one while raising a baby, financially they'll be fine but I think once the baby gets here the hours they're working will change. Right now, he's working 70 hours a week and she's working 35. Realistically, I think we should be using just his income to determine what they can afford. What I can see happening is dd quits her job after the baby is born and he keeps working 2 jobs. He likes to take care of dd and she likes to be taken care of. I will be surprised if she continues working after the baby is born and if she does I expect it will be only part time. That will put their income around $2000 before taxes. I believe that's low enough to qualify for WIC and food stampsand maybe subsidized housing (although I don't know how this works with them not being married).
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-24-2014 at 07:06 AM..
I don't. That's why they get pissed at me. I don't stand in awe of their great parenting advice. I just find it kind of funny that last time I posted about dd, I was told to throw her out and now I'm told to take her back. I didn't want to throw her out because I feared the next step would be she'd get pregnant. Dh threw her out to the applause of many here. Now her situation is so much worse than it was. Personally, I think a lazy daughter living a home and sponging off her parents is better than a pregnant daughter living out of car but I'm just dumb like that.
At this point, dd has to be on her own. It's grow up time. There can be no running back to mommy and daddy on this one. She's about to become a parent and this baby deserves grown ups for parents. That means they need to be on their own. Necessity is the mother of invention. Bailing them out will not help.
I will admit to hoping their situation makes them rethink adoption but if it doesn't it has to force them to grow up. Neither purpose is served by a bail out.
I will help her figure out what kind of help is out there but that's it. It's time for her to grow up. The slow path to adulthood is now longer open to her. She's already taken the off ramp to parenthood. It's not what I wanted for her and it's most unfortunate but it is what it is.
Why would you advise that she move back into that same home with poor guidance? Did you think about what you said before you posted it?
This is your grandchild. I can't imagine letting any pregnant family member live in a car. Can you help her by helping her with the up front costs of getting an apartment? You have had other suggestions regarding where to get services for your daughter but I think that first thing you should do is help her secure housing that she can afford. The second thing you should do is set up a standing dinner date at your house so that you know she is eating well at least once a week. I think these are things parents can do to help their adult child children get started without enabling them.
You are her parent. She needs your help. That doesn't mean you need to do everything for her but parents can still help adult children.
This is your grandchild. I can't imagine letting any pregnant family member live in a car. Can you help her by helping her with the up front costs of getting an apartment? You have had other suggestions regarding where to get services for your daughter but I think that first thing you should do is help her secure housing that she can afford. The second thing you should do is set up a standing dinner date at your house so that you know she is eating well at least once a week. I think these are things parents can do to help their adult child children get started without enabling them.
You are her parent. She needs your help. That doesn't mean you need to do everything for her but parents can still help adult children.
That's what we're working on. If she were 6 months pregnant I'd be more worried about where she sleeps. However, I know I cannot bring her home. That would put us right back where we were a few months ago. I don't think sleeping in a car for a few more weeks is going to hurt her.
We're already inviting them to dinner. I remember when dh and I were first married, when my MIL used to invite us to dinner I'd think that was one less meal I had to pay for. You now your budget is tight when you think that way.
As I posted before, she has a little money that was supposed to go towards her expenses when she went away to school. I've told her to use it to get an apartment but she says the locked it away in a time vault. I want to know where that money is before I do anything else. It's in the form of savings bonds so I can file to have the bonds replaced.
Obviously, no one on C-D really knows what you are thinking but I always had the impression from your posts on various forums that you would be a person who would be complaining loud and long to your friends and coworkers about "those stupid, ignorant girls who try to get pregnant so that they will take my hard earned money away from me by getting on welfare, why don't their families help them instead of the taxpayers" (or something like that).
And now that it is your daughter, who, by an amazing coincidence within days of leaving your home became pregnant. Not only are you helping her to seek out every possible government program that you can think of to "bail her out" but you are already pointing out that you expect your daughter and the BF to quit their jobs so that they may be eligible for more government assistance.
Maybe, I am totally wrong and you have not been strongly discouraging young adults to have babies and go on welfare or at least not complaining about them, but I really doubt it. So isn't it rather hypocritical of you to expect the taxpayers to bail out your daughter when your family and, I'm guessing, BF's family are comfortably middle class?
I know that it is not PC to say those things out loud (in writing), but I bet that there are many other readers thinking the very same thing. It isn't that much that you are encouraging it, as they have every right to seek out government programs, but it really sounds like you are bragging about having the taxpayers help your daughter so that you don't need to help her.
Have you considered other ways of helping, that are not enabling, but put more of the focus on family helping family rather than "I wash my hands of her, let the government take care of DD now"?
You stepson wanted to help by offering reduced rent on one of the houses that he owned (granted it was way out of their price range). He was thinking "family helping family".
What are the BF's family doing to assist regarding their future grandchild?
Well then you wouldn't be here asking for advice on a forum, would you?
I asked for advice about what I don't know about and that is what kind of help is available to a pregnant 19 year old who is homeless right now. Somehow that warrants 25 pages of posts. go figure.
Thats why you give clear expectations, limits and consequences if they move in.
" You can stay here 6 months but i need to see you have applied for housing and you will need to do dishes every Tuesday. If we cant agree on this, then you will need to find a place to stay elsewhere"
That does not work for all kids/young adults, or even older adults. Lots of stories in Dear Abby about people letting a brother, sister, daughter, son, friend, etc live with them for a few months and the months turning into years. It probably wouldn't work for one of my daughters. I think the best housing solution is for the DD to use her savings bonds to get an apt, and mom to help with furnishing it as she has discussed. It's close to the end of the month. Apts for next month may be filling up, but August 1 would be a good target date. Meanwhile, I think the DD should live at home. MissTerri is right that being homeless can lead to prematurity and other problems with the pregnancy.
That does not work for all kids/young adults, or even older adults. Lots of stories in Dear Abby about people letting a brother, sister, daughter, son, friend, etc live with them for a few months and the months turning into years. It probably wouldn't work for one of my daughters. I think the best housing solution is for the DD to use her savings bonds to get an apt, and mom to help with furnishing it as she has discussed. It's close to the end of the month. Apts for next month may be filling up, but August 1 would be a good target date. Meanwhile, I think the DD should live at home. MissTerri is right that being homeless can lead to prematurity and other problems with the pregnancy.
I'll be writing to Dear Abby if I let her come back. She won't leave once back so we can't go there. It's time for this little bird to fly the nest and start her own nest.
If she were 8 months instead of 8 weeks I'd agree. I expect she'll be in her own place before she's half way through her pregnancy. I fear if I let her come home, she'll never leave. Once here I fear the baby will become everyone's responsibility except hers. It has to be this way. I don't like her sleeping in a car but brining her back home is not the solution.
There's a requirement for hours worked as well. I know when my wife and I looked into it when she got pregnant, the 20 hours per week she worked wasn't enough. She just ended up quitting. Also note that it's actual hours worked. Any vacation or sick time used doesn't count.
OP, I sympathize with your situation and I understand where you're coming from on wanting your daughter to step up and deal with the decisions she's made. But I guess I don't understand where you're coming from when you say that you're not going to bail her out, but you want her to try and get every single government subsidy and program available. That means us taxpayers, who aren't her family, are "bailing her out". I tend to think that government assistance should be the last resort and for those who really can't make it on their own. Primary support should come from family and friends if possible. I'm not trying to hammer you. I do understand your position. But I just think that there are ways you could help her while still making it clear that she needs to step up and deal with the situation herself. A life where she receives government subsidies and handouts isn't going to teach her anything either. Besides, it sounds like they make too much.
Ya, this. The main point of this thread is getting as much govt assistance as possible. If you (OP) think helping her is enabling, what is govt assitance? How is that any different? I'm not posting any advice on how to do that. You have the means to help a little, and she and her boyfriend have the means to put a roof over their heads. They need to do that. If BF is worth anything, he will make sure she has a place to live. (BTW I see you like him now. I thought he was controling and could get violent, but whatever).
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick
If that's all you wanted, you shouldn't have posted all the details in the parenting forum. You should've posted a simple query in the city/state forum in which your daughter intends to reside.
If you truly don't want advice on how to parent your child, you sure picked an odd way to express it. No wonder your kid's messed up. She's been getting mixed signals from her mom all her life.
It isn't any wonder this happened at all. DD1 is having a baby (planned, it would seem) so she'll have someone to love her. She's looking for the unconditional love she doesn't get from her parents.
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I don't stand in awe of their great parenting advice. I just find it kind of funny that last time I posted about dd, I was told to throw her out and now I'm told to take her back. I didn't want to throw her out because I feared the next step would be she'd get pregnant. Dh threw her out to the applause of many here. Now her situation is so much worse than it was. Personally, I think a lazy daughter living a home and sponging off her parents is better than a pregnant daughter living out of car but I'm just dumb like that. 
Did you think about what you said before you posted it?