The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (teaching, parents)
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If DD#1 has great insurance already what is the problem? Were you wanting to drop her before? Or, do you want to drop her to punish her because she got pregnant?
Many of the services available to pregnant women in crisis require the women to qualify for Medicaid. If she's on Ivory's insurance, she might miss out on housing and all sorts of things that are available to her because she's pregnant and homeless.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Or, maybe, you just want to complain. Sheesh.
Ivory wants to keep her daughter on her insurance. That might not be the best route to go. She won't know unless she researches it.
Oh this is funny. If you read my last thread here, I was encouraged to throw her out. We did and this is the result. Now I'm being told I need to bring her back home and make the mess she made easier for her to deal with?
Why do you let people on web forums dictate what you do as a parent?
It's funny - the few messes I have been in my life.... my mom and dad bailed me out if I needed it. After college, when I was struggling to get a well-paying job, my timing belt on my car snapped. I couldn't fix the car and be certain it would run after putting money into it. Therefore, I had to buy a new car. I made 21K/a year at that point in my life and couldn't afford a car note. I had no savings since it all went to rent/student loans anyway.
I called my dad and asked for help. He covered two months of my student loans (about $300) so I could afford to buy a car with cash. I have tried many times to pay him back since then and his reaction is always, "Just call it being a parent." I made the mess myself -- I was driving the car when the timing belt went bad, I had a job where I was barely scraping by. My dad could have said, "You got in it, now figure it out!" He didn't. I am very thankful to him for all of the help he has ever given me. His reaction is always, "Just call it being a parent."
My parents were always truly selfless. Never played favorites amongst their children and loved us equally, but admired our differences. We've all worked by the time we were 12-13 at their business; we're all college-educated; and none of us were pregnant before marriage (though I have a year left of engagement I don't see that changing any). I am truly lucky in that they guided, shaped, and molded me into a dang-awesome human being. They never would have left me high and dry, no matter the situation. They were parents first, before anything else.
This post isn't about how to deal with this financially. Or it would be better suited in the personal finance forum or possibly current events to figure out what programs are available these days. But it's not -- it's in parenting.
Your daughter is young and had poor guidance. Let her move back into your home, but not the boyfriend. Now is the time to truly stand up for her, help her, guide her, and just call it being a parent.
Many of the services available to pregnant women in crisis require the women to qualify for Medicaid. If she's on Ivory's insurance, she might miss out on housing and all sorts of things that are available to her because she's pregnant and homeless.
The question is whether I can drop her so she can qualify. This requires some research first. I believe I have to show she has insurance to drop her. The question is will my insurance stop her from qualifying for Medicaid. We do have to find a way to insure the baby before it is born. I know for sure that I can't cover the baby.
Now all I have to do is get some answers from the government. Wish me luck. That is easier said than done.
The people at the crisis pregnancy centers will know the answers to these questions, and if they don't they will know exactly who you need to call. All of this has been done before, and you are not the first mother to have these questions. Take advantage of that fact and call them. Enough hand-wringing on C-D. The truth is that this is not a terribly complicated nor unusual situation.
I'm noticing that you are readily replying to those who have suggestions regarding insurance matters, but less (not) bothering to reply to those including myself making suggestions as to how to change your approach as a parent.
That's because she can't. As an ivory tickler myself, albeit one with a FAR more liberal world view... not unlike the majority of musicians on the planet, I was appalled at the o.p.'s lack of nuance when I first came upon her posts, what, seems like years now. Imagine my surprise to learn of the current drama in her life. Hmmmm. What do I know, I'm just a dumb liberal, but none of my daughters are knocked up. And if they were, I'd have much more to offer them than seems to be the case here. In fact, if I was as holier than thou as the o.p. I'd just cut the skank off and leave her to the Universe. It would be better than pretending to want to help. All the big Conservatives in the media with the Holier than thou presentations lose their children along the way to their Enshrinement. All of them. What's up with that? Is there something about a right of center ideology that is incompatible with a healthy family? You wouldn't know it from the assiduous way that they go about anything having to do with Parenting and Children. Maybe its being middle class and Conservative that is the dividing line.... <snap!> yeah... that's it... I mean... if you are a 9 figure Master of the Universe you can rock that Conservative Credo as hard as you want and take care of the inevitable disconnects with reality with... liberal applications of financial damage control. When your net worth is more mundane but your Conservative Credo is cranked well past crazy... not so much. It's the kids I feel bad for. They don't have any choice in who they get for parents...
Why do you let people on web forums dictate what you do as a parent?
It's funny - the few messes I have been in my life.... my mom and dad bailed me out if I needed it. After college, when I was struggling to get a well-paying job, my timing belt on my car snapped. I couldn't fix the car and be certain it would run after putting money into it. Therefore, I had to buy a new car. I made 21K/a year at that point in my life and couldn't afford a car note. I had no savings since it all went to rent/student loans anyway.
I called my dad and asked for help. He covered two months of my student loans (about $300) so I could afford to buy a car with cash. I have tried many times to pay him back since then and his reaction is always, "Just call it being a parent." I made the mess myself -- I was driving the car when the timing belt went bad, I had a job where I was barely scraping by. My dad could have said, "You got in it, now figure it out!" He didn't. I am very thankful to him for all of the help he has ever given me. His reaction is always, "Just call it being a parent."
Your daughter is young and had poor guidance. Let her move back into your home, but not the boyfriend. Now is the time to truly stand up for her, help her, guide her, and just call it being a parent.
I don't. That's why they get pissed at me. I don't stand in awe of their great parenting advice. I just find it kind of funny that last time I posted about dd, I was told to throw her out and now I'm told to take her back. I didn't want to throw her out because I feared the next step would be she'd get pregnant. Dh threw her out to the applause of many here. Now her situation is so much worse than it was. Personally, I think a lazy daughter living a home and sponging off her parents is better than a pregnant daughter living out of car but I'm just dumb like that.
At this point, dd has to be on her own. It's grow up time. There can be no running back to mommy and daddy on this one. She's about to become a parent and this baby deserves grown ups for parents. That means they need to be on their own. Necessity is the mother of invention. Bailing them out will not help.
I will admit to hoping their situation makes them rethink adoption but if it doesn't it has to force them to grow up. Neither purpose is served by a bail out.
I will help her figure out what kind of help is out there but that's it. It's time for her to grow up. The slow path to adulthood is now longer open to her. She's already taken the off ramp to parenthood. It's not what I wanted for her and it's most unfortunate but it is what it is.
Why would you advise that she move back into that same home with poor guidance? Did you think about what you said before you posted it?
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-23-2014 at 12:36 PM..
Why do you think I'm trying to find out what is available to her?
Sleeping in a car isn't going to kill her or hurt the baby and it just might motivate her to do something about her situation. Bailing her out is the wrong thing to do. That much I'm certain of. She's playing adult games and making adult decisions and it's time for her to grow up. She's going to be a mother in 7 months. If there ever was a time for tough love it's now. The right thing to do is give this baby to a couple who want it, will love it and can offer it a good life. I will not help her screw up this child's life and that is what she's doing by keeping it. She's just not in a good place to have children. For the baby's sake, she needs to consider adoption. I am aware that this is not an easy choice but none of her choices are easy now that she's pregnant. The easy choice would have been to use birth control but that ship has sailed. Now there are only hard choices left.
And no we do not have room for her, her boyfriend and a baby. We just don't. Her 9 x 11 bedroom won't suffice for a small family. They need to get their own apartment. I'm thinking with WIC, food stamps and welfare they should be able to. He make enough to pay for an apartment but that's about it. If food is covered, they could make it. It won't be a pleasant life or a good life for the baby but they'll make it. They really need to give that baby a good life. It's unfortunate they will not consider that.
Kudos to you for not enabling your daughter to continue to make ridiculous decisions. She may continue to do so but at least you're not HELPING her make more poor decisions.
When my 19 year old daughter told me she was pregnant, we were in the middle of a move to a smaller house (one less bedroom) because she had voluntarily moved out and was going to college, working 30 hours a week, and otherwise "making it" on her own (not that we weren't helping her financially in some ways - groceries, some gas, tuition, etc - but she was for the most part supporting herself, and at a very young age). She had just begun dating a guy who we DID NOT APPROVE OF and couldn't imagine her being with long term - and we were right, because they had already broken things off before she even knew she was pregnant.
I helped her move into her own apartment. By "helping her," I mean I helped her furnish it (with some of our old stuff as well as resale/thrift shop finds) and I paid her deposits and first month's rent - but after that, she was on her own. She would only qualify for all the other income-related benefits if she lived on her own rather than under our roof, so that made the most sense, even though translated that meant that she absolutely had to maintain a job in order to maintain a roof over her head. Amazing what people are capable of when they know they have to do it. She worked full time, paid ALL her bills, and kept every single doctor appointment. She absolutely would not have kept that job if Mama had been allowing her to live at home, on Mama's insurance, with Mama paying all the bills.
I also didn't want to ex boyfriend drama under my roof either. I'm glad to say, they decided not to "stay together for the sake of the baby." They broke things off entirely, and in fact a few months before the baby was born, my daughter met a terrific guy who was VERY impressed with her sense of responsibility and independence. They began dating (yes, when she was seven months pregnant) and two years after the baby was born, they got married. That was eleven years ago. He became an Air Force officer and eventually was able to adopt my daughter's child. They now have four kids together, including a little boy who they adopted from Korea. They are both exemplary parents.
But it all started with some tough love. I do not believe my daughter's character would have been nearly as strong and good and determined if I'd made things easy for her on the front end.
That's because she can't. As an ivory tickler myself, albeit one with a FAR more liberal world view... not unlike the majority of musicians on the planet, I was appalled at the o.p.'s lack of nuance when I first came upon her posts, what, seems like years now. Imagine my surprise to learn of the current drama in her life. Hmmmm. What do I know, I'm just a dumb liberal, but none of my daughters are knocked up. And if they were, I'd have much more to offer them than seems to be the case here. In fact, if I was as holier than thou as the o.p. I'd just cut the skank off and leave her to the Universe. It would be better than pretending to want to help. All the big Conservatives in the media with the Holier than thou presentations lose their children along the way to their Enshrinement. All of them. What's up with that? Is there something about a right of center ideology that is incompatible with a healthy family? You wouldn't know it from the assiduous way that they go about anything having to do with Parenting and Children. Maybe its being middle class and Conservative that is the dividing line.... <snap!> yeah... that's it... I mean... if you are a 9 figure Master of the Universe you can rock that Conservative Credo as hard as you want and take care of the inevitable disconnects with reality with... liberal applications of financial damage control. When your net worth is more mundane but your Conservative Credo is cranked well past crazy... not so much. It's the kids I feel bad for. They don't have any choice in who they get for parents...
H
Wow, axe to grind much?
You are delusional. There are crappy parents left, right, and center. There are successful kids left, right, and center. Some in spite of the parenting they have received.
I think it's absolutely bizarre that you're trying to use one specific woman's circumstance to bolster your own hostile political beliefs.
YES, being pregnant and low income CAN GET HER COVERED, which is what I was saying. LOL
Yes, being pregnant and low income can get her covered on Medicaid. That's true. BUT she can't get covered on Medicaid if she has health insurance. And Ivory can't drop her from her insurance unless there is a qualifying event. See, that's where we're on a different page. Being pregnant and low income is a qualifying even to get ON Medicaid, but it's not a qualifying event to get OFF her mother's policy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina
I said in the last paragraph that she'd probably have to do some things to be able to drop her. There's a procedure to be followed for sure.
Please provide a link with the procedures on how she can get off of her mother's policy before her mother's employer's next open enrollment period. I provided a link of qualifying events for dropping an insurance policy and being pregnant or low income was not one of them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina
Why do you argue with me every time this comes up? Even though we are saying the same thing? Am I being confusing? My apologies, but you are kind of freaking me out here. LOL
I'm not trying to argue with you. We are trying to provide the same information. I think you are confusing the issue by not providing specific information. If Ivory calls her HR department and asks if her daughter being pregnant and low income is a qualifying event to drop her from her coverage, her HR department will say it isn't a qualifying event. I don't want Ivory hanging up the phone thinking that she can't ever drop her daughter from her policy. I want her to continue ask under what circumstances can she drop her daughter? Specifically, I want her to ask if she can drop her if she marries her boyfriend, at open enrollment, etc. Ivory is wrong to think her daughter has to have other insurance to be dropped. She can be dropped for other reasons and go off to get her own insurance after-the-fact.
you can unsderstand her not wanting to "kill" the baby, have it "ripped from limb to limb" but can't understand a mother not wanting to give her baby away to strangers and not know what has become of it for the rest of her life? maybe think about it for awhile and it will come to you.
your husband can take some of the blame for this situation as can you for not standing up to him when you knew his choices were not what was best.
if it was me and my daughter I would do everything I could to help my child out. there is no way my pregnant daughter whould have to even consider or worry about being homeless in this situation.
It's really not fair to judge the OP when you don't know the entire history. That said, the "fault" for this entire situation, if you're apt to lay blame, is on the daughter who insists on making bad choices, and won't do what she must to help herself. She's an adult, and should be responsible for herself and the consequences of her decisions. It's not the fault of the parents.
Even at that, I feel sorry for them, it's a tough situation to be in.
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We did and this is the result. Now I'm being told I need to bring her back home and make the mess she made easier for her to deal with? 
