The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (teenagers, girl)
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Ivory, I don't have much to add except that I feel for you and think you have been given some great resources you can pass along to your daughter. Our eldest is 18 and moved out a few days after graduation. I read the posts here advising to let your daughter move back in and just enforce the rules, but when your kid doesn't abide by them you're kind of stuck. Ours didn't want to hear that curfews and chores were still part of her life, so she chose to leave and move in with her boyfriend. I worry about pregnancy too, but we'll see what happens.
But I learned something today! Her place of residence changed, so we can remove her from our insurance. She refused to quit smoking, which adds $75 a month to our insurance premium. Now we can remove her. It's not something I want to do. At all. If things went the way I wanted, she'd be living at home, being a contributing member of the family, and preparing to go to college like she initially planned. But I can't make her do those things. It sucks, absolutely. All I can say is don't burn your bridges, for everyone's sake. I agree with those here who said you can be positive and supportive without rescuing her. Good luck to all of you.
I agree. You need leverage. If they don't want to obey the rules, they won't if there isn't something you can hold over them.
Right now, I am being positive and supportive. I'm helping them figure out a place to live. That's what needs to be taken care of right now.
You love them and raise them and wish the best for them but some of them just have a mind of their own and have to learn the hard way.
Why would you advise that she move back into that same home with poor guidance? Did you think about what you said before you posted it?
I did. It's better to have a home than to not have one, no matter how dysfunctional it may be. It is surely safer than sleeping in a car. I also recommended that you change your attitude to one that is supportive, encouraging, and loving despite all her mistakes and flaws. That's just being a parent.
Part of being a parent is holding your child's hand and guiding them towards adulthood. In this scenario, when your daughter seems to need you the most for guidance as she's about to bring a child into the world.... where are you? Going on an internet forum to complain about her yet again and figure out how to make the government to pay so you don't have to let her back into your home. You have a choice to let her back into your home, to work on your flawed relationship with her, and to see your grandchild regularly. You also have the choice to let her be homeless, let your relationship with your daughter become even more toxic, and never see the blessing that is your grandchild who despite his/her birth can grow up to be anyone.
I just can't think of anything I could do in which my parents would rather take the risk that I be found homeless/dead on the street or something than take me in...
DD and DH are terms of endearment. Why are they being used (constantly) in a thread about as devoid of endearment as any I've seen? Call me what you will for bringing it up but, criminy, we are better than this.
I thought part of the ACA was that insurance companies couldn't deny based on pre-existing conditions anymore.
If I drop her in October and she can't get Medicaid because they say she belongs on my insurance, I can't add her back on until the next October so this is really a moot point but I do believe that if I drop her and then by some miracle can re add her later after she'd denied Medicaid that they don't have to cover the pregnancy.
We are in position to help her furnish an apartment. Dh and I separated 7 years ago and we still have most of what came out of his apartment. We have a dinette set that I use to store books on and grade papers, an extra couch, she already has the queen bedroom set dh had and we have an extra TV and entertainment center. It's an eclectic collection (dh went shopping at the overstock furniture store) but it'll do. We even have two sets of pots and pans, dishes and flatware. They don't all match but they'll do.
As to first and last months rent, dd has $5k in savings bonds (that I bought when she was a baby) that she and her boyfriend ridiculously locked away in a time vault that I told them to figure out how to get out of that vault. That will take care of more than first, last and a security deposit. Worst case scenarios is I apply for replacement bonds. Fortunately, I put the serial numbers in a database in case they were somehow lost. I'm not sure what it costs to have them replaced but if it's cheaper than getting this time vault opened that's what I'll do.
Thanks for sharing your story. I like to think that she'll grow up and in the end things won't be as bad as they look right now. It's hard watching dreams die. I wanted her to go to college, have time to grow up, and enjoy life for a while before settling down. I actually like her boyfriend except that he enabled her to keep stalling on getting a job but he does care for her and he takes care of her. We'll see if they make it. A baby changes everything. Statistically speaking, they will break up before the baby is a year old if they make it until the birth. He gets brownie points though. He took a second job a few weeks back. I kept asking why he was working two jobs. Now I know why. So far, so good with him.
Wow, that really is a lot of great news. You have to take your victories where you can get them!
Taking a second job is more than "brownie points" material. She got a job, he got another job...this is huge in the context of their past behavior! Yay!
Yes, all that is true, statistically speaking. But with a caring mother in the mix, there's also a good chance that they will "see the light," and work toward a more productive future. Why not just behave as if you believe that will happen eventually? Your daughter will have plenty of time and opportunity to further her education if and when she decides she wants to do so. Young mothers (and older mothers) do so all the time. For herself, and for her own dreams.
Sounds like you have a plan and they will be starting out on firmer footing than the vast majority of people in a similar situation.
ETA: It cracks me up a little bit that you note the hand-me-down furniture is "an eclectic collection." LOL. I don't think a cohesive interior design is on your list of concerns right now. I still think doing some second-hand shopping, and helping her choose baby gear later on, would be great for both of you (and maybe include the not-in-laws if the atmosphere improves) as a bonding activity as well as a chance to provide some life lessons. They are starting out with MUCH more in their favor than what it seemed at the beginning of this thread.
Last edited by Montanama; 06-23-2014 at 01:26 PM..
I know that to drop her mid year, something must happen. Right now, we're mid year. My open enrollment period is in October. I can inquire as to whether or not I can drop her then but if I do, I can't put her back on without a qualifying event like loss of her insurance and then the pregnancy becomes a pre-existing condition that would not be covered. I think it's very risky to drop her from my insurance. I'd have to be 100% certain she'd get Medicaid and that both she and the baby would be covered. It would be a disaster if they came back and said that because she's under 26 she can still be on my insurance after I'd dropped her.
If your drop her, she WILL qualify for Medicaid. There is no such thing as pre-existing conditions anymore. Parents are not required to keep adult children on insurance until age 26. If they don't qualify for Medicaid or have insurance through their employers, they can buy insurance through the exchange or pay the penalty for not being insured. You're wrong to assume that she won't get coverage simply because you have insurance. There is NO LAW requiring parents to cover adult children on their insurance policies.
DD and DH are terms of endearment. Why are they being used (constantly) in a thread about as devoid of endearment as any I've seen? Call me what you will for bringing it up but, criminy, we are better than this.
DD and DH aren't always terms of endearment. D can stand for Dear or Damn.
If I drop her in October and she can't get Medicaid because they say she belongs on my insurance, I can't add her back on until the next October so this is really a moot point but I do believe that if I drop her and then by some miracle can re add her later after she'd denied Medicaid that they don't have to cover the pregnancy.
You're wrong. Preexisting condition clauses are illegal on health insurance policies as of January this year. ObamaCare Pre-existing Conditions
DD#1 is pregnant. I knew that was next after dh made her leave. She has been crashing where she could and often sleeping in her boyfriend's car because his parents will not let her stay there. So now we have to figure out how to make the best of the worst possible situation. Dh and I are not in position to help them either financially or by offering place to live. We don't have the money and we don't have the room. What I need to know is what kind of help is available to them. I would assume they can, at least, get WIC but is there help for them to find a place to sleep? Is there help WRT medical insurance for the baby (dd is covered on my insurance until she's 26 but the baby is not covered)? He makes $8.25/hour and works 40 hours a week. She finally got a minimum wage job (full time) when she found out she was pregnant but I don't think that's going to last once they find out she's pregnant. She's working as a security guard.
If you have any information on how the welfare system works, I would appreciate your advice. The first order of business is finding an actual bed for her to sleep in someplace where she can bring a baby home. I tried to talk her into putting the baby up for adoption but that just got her mad. She's not in a good place in her life to have a baby but she's a legal adult and the decisions are hers. Right now I'd just like to be able to give some advice as to what is out there for help.
Sorry ivory Seems we all saw it coming, you included I'm sure.
At this point, as hard as it will be for you to do this - back way off.
Eventually reality will set in and it's much better for her to come to you for help than for you to continue to try to help her now. Wait until she's been humbled a bit, then she'll look for Mama's "help".
Wait until she's been humbled a bit, then she'll look for Mama's "help".
I get this sentiment--I really do get it. But I still think it's the wrong tone, the wrong lense through which to view the process. And in this case, I think pregnant and sleeping in the back of a car is pretty well "humbled."
It's not about cutting this kid down. I know that's not what you meant, but that's what the language implies--that she'll be knocked down a few pegs and then she'll come crawling back and appreciate her mother....And I am a mother who UNDERSTANDS this feeling completely.
It's about letting her flex her muscles, letting her struggle enough to get strong, maybe even to get a little bit hurt (we could debate all day about what level of "hurt" is enough in a case like this--that is for Ivory to decide) so that she can learn how to do things on her own--what works and what doesn't--so that she can have the confidence to do BETTER. All while knowing that her parents do love her, are proud of the steps she has taken in the right direction, and do believe she can handle it.
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Did you think about what you said before you posted it?
Seems we all saw it coming, you included I'm sure.