The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (play, daughters)
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There is no way to make that work given the ongoing pattern reflected in previous threads. If she moves back in, she will quit work, and there is NO WAY anyone is booting her out again pregnant. The best chance for HER to succeed is to get into an apartment and keep her job.
You all can say, "She can stay ONLY IF..." but if she doesn't, we are back to square one, and this time there is more reason than ever not to enforce the boundary.
For someone who might just be starting to "get it," this would be so damaging, and might destroy the one shot she has at moving on in her life away from the negative pattern she has going at home. It doesn't do a young mother-to-be any good to live somewhere where the constant message is "You aren't capable of taking care of yourself."
I feel the same impulse to protect a young girl, pregnant and alone. But I don't think that's exactly the picture here, and I also don't think that popping her right back in the frying pan (the inertia she falls into when living with her parents and being enabled to be lazy) is protecting her in the long run. She can do this, and her mother is willing to help her do it.
Ivory, when do you think you'll be helping her find an apartment?
There is no way to make that work given the ongoing pattern reflected in previous threads. If she moves back in, she will quit work, and there is NO WAY anyone is booting her out again pregnant. The best chance for HER to succeed is to get into an apartment and keep her job.
You all can say, "She can stay ONLY IF..." but if she doesn't, we are back to square one, and this time there is more reason than ever not to enforce the boundary.
For someone who might just be starting to "get it," this would be so damaging, and might destroy the one shot she has at moving on in her life away from the negative pattern she has going at home. It doesn't do a young mother-to-be any good to live somewhere where the constant message is "You aren't capable of taking care of yourself."
I feel the same impulse to protect a young girl, pregnant and alone. But I don't think that's exactly the picture here, and I also don't think that popping her right back in the frying pan (the inertia she falls into when living with her parents and being enabled to be lazy) is protecting her in the long run. She can do this, and her mother is willing to help her do it.
Ivory, when do you think you'll be helping her find an apartment?
Oh, well I don't know the whole back story. If she's got a history of quitting work as soon as she moves into the parental orbit, then this won't work. If she's burned bridges repeatedly, then this won't work. If that's the case, then I think the OP should help her find and furnish an apartment and then offer to take her to lunch once a week in order to assess the situation, as well as call her and stay in pretty close contact with her as she gets her wings. IF she gets her wings.
I know there's an unborn child here and that pulls additional heartstrings but in the end if the child's mother won't step up to the plate, there's only so much the grandmother can do. Sad.
I agree with this. If it were me, I'd let her move in RATHER THAN SLEEP IN A CAR for a specified amount of time - a month, maybe. But ONLY if she is grateful and cooperative and helpful. This should give you enough time to line things out with her - where she is going to live, what sorts of programs she may be eligible for, her prenatal care, etc. Honestly, you can make this an opportunity to show her SUPPORT - not be enabling her, but by HELPING her stand on her own two feet. Help her get her OWN place. Help her but don't enable her. There is a difference.
If you help her, she will know you support her as a person. If you enable her, you will end up supporting her, her boyfriend, and a baby. There's a big difference and a fine balancing point. Find it and stick to it.
This sounds fine, but I think its easier to let someone move in than to move them out. Let's say the month is up. Daughter is that much further along in her pregnancy and its time for her to leave. Do you honestly think she will be evicted bodily from the home?
I'd think long and hard before letting her move in.
There is no way to make that work given the ongoing pattern reflected in previous threads. If she moves back in, she will quit work, and there is NO WAY anyone is booting her out again pregnant. The best chance for HER to succeed is to get into an apartment and keep her job.
You all can say, "She can stay ONLY IF..." but if she doesn't, we are back to square one, and this time there is more reason than ever not to enforce the boundary.
For someone who might just be starting to "get it," this would be so damaging, and might destroy the one shot she has at moving on in her life away from the negative pattern she has going at home. It doesn't do a young mother-to-be any good to live somewhere where the constant message is "You aren't capable of taking care of yourself."
I feel the same impulse to protect a young girl, pregnant and alone. But I don't think that's exactly the picture here, and I also don't think that popping her right back in the frying pan (the inertia she falls into when living with her parents and being enabled to be lazy) is protecting her in the long run. She can do this, and her mother is willing to help her do it.
Ivory, when do you think you'll be helping her find an apartment?
OP, you may be pleasantly surprised by a change in your daughter once the baby is born. Once you are responsible for someone else, it can make you mature and do everything in your power to make sure that little one is fed, clothed and a roof is over their head. I think the boyfriend getting a 2nd job and your daughter landing a job is admirable. When the baby is a little older, she may decide to further her education and get a better paying job. She's just starting out - lots of time to improve her situation. Have some faith in her.
There is no way to make that work given the ongoing pattern reflected in previous threads. If she moves back in, she will quit work, and there is NO WAY anyone is booting her out again pregnant. The best chance for HER to succeed is to get into an apartment and keep her job.
You all can say, "She can stay ONLY IF..." but if she doesn't, we are back to square one, and this time there is more reason than ever not to enforce the boundary.
For someone who might just be starting to "get it," this would be so damaging, and might destroy the one shot she has at moving on in her life away from the negative pattern she has going at home. It doesn't do a young mother-to-be any good to live somewhere where the constant message is "You aren't capable of taking care of yourself."
I feel the same impulse to protect a young girl, pregnant and alone. But I don't think that's exactly the picture here, and I also don't think that popping her right back in the frying pan (the inertia she falls into when living with her parents and being enabled to be lazy) is protecting her in the long run. She can do this, and her mother is willing to help her do it.
Ivory, when do you think you'll be helping her find an apartment?
I don't know what the timing is on finding an apartment. We're looking into what is out there that they might be able to afford. I hope to know what she will/will not qualify for in the way of help before the week is up. I would love to see them in their own place within a month. She's survived a few weeks without living under our roof. I think she can survive a few more.
There is no way to make that work given the ongoing pattern reflected in previous threads. If she moves back in, she will quit work, and there is NO WAY anyone is booting her out again pregnant. The best chance for HER to succeed is to get into an apartment and keep her job.
You all can say, "She can stay ONLY IF..." but if she doesn't, we are back to square one, and this time there is more reason than ever not to enforce the boundary.
For someone who might just be starting to "get it," this would be so damaging, and might destroy the one shot she has at moving on in her life away from the negative pattern she has going at home. It doesn't do a young mother-to-be any good to live somewhere where the constant message is "You aren't capable of taking care of yourself."
I feel the same impulse to protect a young girl, pregnant and alone. But I don't think that's exactly the picture here, and I also don't think that popping her right back in the frying pan (the inertia she falls into when living with her parents and being enabled to be lazy) is protecting her in the long run. She can do this, and her mother is willing to help her do it.
Ivory, when do you think you'll be helping her find an apartment?
Agree 100%. ALL DD1 had to do before was either work or go to school. She refused to do either one, even though she had a vehicle to drive, school paid for by her mom and dad, free food, cable, lights, heat, phone, etc. She even had a cousin who was able and willing to GET her a job and she refused to make a simple phone call. She had it made and was only expected to do the bare minimum.
Now, within a few months, she managed to muster up a full time job, which is a huge step up from doing nothing like she was at home. If she moves back home, and pregnant to boot, it will be back to laying around doing nothing, expecting that she shouldn't HAVE to do anything because Mommy and Daddy will pay for everything, and in her delicate pregnant state she CAN'T do anything. Then Ivory and husband will be right back to where they started, struggling to find a way to push her out the nest, and this time it will be so much more difficult because she is pregnant. Right now she's not far along in her pregnancy, sleeping in a car isn't going to kill her or the baby, and it may even motivate her to find her own two feet to stand on. I don't agree with many of Ivory's decisions, but not letting her dd move back home is one I can actually say I agree with her on.
I would offer her resources and advice, be supportive, let her come home and eat, take her to doctor appointments, and be positive in any way, but I would NOT step up and do anything that these two soon to be parents should be doing themselves. Show them how, advise them, then let them do it on their own.
But, as someone mentioned, I would be accompanying DD to the doctor myself to confirm the fact that she really is pregnant.
But, as someone mentioned, I would be accompanying DD to the doctor myself to confirm the fact that she really is pregnant.
It doesn't really matter if she's lying about the pregnancy. It won't cost Ivory a penny to help her get into an apartment because she has a 5k bond in her name. Either way, pregnant or not, she needs independent housing to learn how to be responsible and productive.
Even if all Ivory required was her having a full time job to live at home, suddenly having a job is no reason to allow her back, not with her track record. Just two weeks ago she said she wasn't getting a job because she hasn't needed one in 18 years. If being kicked out into the street inspired her to get the job, bringing her home isn't going inspire her to keep her job. Getting her an apartment is the best solution whether she's pregnant or not.
Ivory, I think you need to let your daughter know how excited you are about being a grandmother. Let her know how much you are looking forward to sharing the joy of THIS CHILD with her. Let her know you're scared and this wasn't the way you envisioned it all unfolding, but that regardless of the past, the future holds a beautiful baby that both of you can love TOGETHER.
Thats a nice thought and the way it absolutely should be...but unfortunately, she has already proven that she would much rather this baby be aborted or given up for adoption. She does not want this grandchild.
I didn't want to read without commenting. I hope things works out for you and your daughter.
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