The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (weight, boy)

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

DD#1 is pregnant. I knew that was next after dh made her leave. She has been crashing where she could and often sleeping in her boyfriend's car.

She finally got a minimum wage job (full time) when she found out she was pregnant. (snip)

Ivory, I don't know if you considered this, or if it will make you feel any better but DH making her leave probably did not cause your daughter to get pregnant. Obviously, because she needed her BF to impregnate her but secondly because the timeline doesn't work out (at least not very well). Unless she became pregnant within the very, very first few days after she left home what are the chances that she would she even know that she was pregnant now?

According to your last thread on the topic, you wrote on May 24 (less than one month ago) that she had left home a week earlier.

If she already confirmed that she was pregnant before she got a full time job, unless she applied for and started her job just a few days ago, then she probably was already pregnant (but may not have known it) while she was living at home so "making her leave" did not result in her becoming pregnant.

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Please, don't bash me, but are you 100% sure that DD#1 really is pregnant? Was it confirmed by a doctor? Apparently, there is a quite a black market for home pregnancy test strips that show positive results so you can't really trust something like that.

Frankly, it sounds like it could be another way to either hurt or manipulate you and DH.

She may really be pregnant but before doing hours of checking into insurance & housing & homes for unwed mothers & contacting the BF's parents & everything else perhaps a trip to her gynecologist would be in order.

[Montanama]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

Ivory, I don't know if you considered this, or if it will make you feel any better but DH making her leave did not cause your daughter to get pregnant. Obviously, because she needed her BF to impregnate her but secondly because the timeline doesn't work out. Unless she became pregnant within the very first few days after she left home.

According to your last thread on the topic, you wrote on May 24 (less than one month ago) that she had left home a week earlier.

If she already confirmed that she was pregnant before she got a full time job, unless it was just a few days ago, then she probably was already pregnant (but may not have known it) while she was living with you so "making her leave" did not result in her becoming pregnant.

Please, don't bash me, but are you 100% sure that DD#1 really is pregnant? Was it confirmed by a doctor? Apparently, there is a quite a black market for home pregnancy test strips that show positive results so you can't really trust something like that. Frankly, it sounds like it could be another way to manipulate you and DH.

Oooh. Wow. Now, if THIS were true, I'd say....."Knock that kid down a few pegs!" LOL

In some ways that would be worse than the pregnancy being the truth, and would make me feel more (temporarily) hopeless about her character. But it certainly would simplify Ivory's life right now!

[Tinawina]

Originally Posted by Hopes

Yes, being pregnant and low income can get her covered on Medicaid. That's true. BUT she can't get covered on Medicaid if she has health insurance. And Ivory can't drop her from her insurance unless there is a qualifying event. See, that's where we're on a different page. Being pregnant and low income is a qualifying even to get ON Medicaid, but it's not a qualifying event to get OFF her mother's policy.

I never said it was???? I said 1. She could drop her daughter 2. Her daughter could get covered. The same thing you said.

Originally Posted by Hopes

Please provide a link with the procedures on how she can get off of her mother's policy before her mother's employer's next open enrollment period. I provided a link of qualifying events for dropping an insurance policy and being pregnant or low income was not one of them.

Again, I never said it was???? When did I say she didn't have to wait for open enrollment? I said she did not have to cover her daughter but she needed to find out what needed to be in place before she dropped her.

Originally Posted by Hopes

I'm not trying to argue with you. We are trying to provide the same information. I think you are confusing the issue by not providing specific information. If Ivory calls her HR department and asks if her daughter being pregnant and low income is a qualifying event to drop her from her coverage, her HR department will say it isn't a qualifying event. I don't want Ivory hanging up the phone thinking that she can't ever drop her daughter from her policy. I want her to continue ask under what circumstances can she drop her daughter? Specifically, I want her to ask if she can drop her if she marries her boyfriend, at open enrollment, etc. Ivory is wrong to think her daughter has to have other insurance to be dropped. She can be dropped for other reasons and go off to get her own insurance after-the-fact.

I told her to investigate on her own and find out. I am not going to Google it for her, because there are too many real life people who know the information inside out and really she shouldn't be listening to internet folks for specifics anyway. Every state is different, she can find out what the rules are in her state easily enough.

I was saying the same thing you were saying.

1. She doesn't have to carry her daughter.
2. Her daughter, being a pregnant woman with a low income, qualifies for insurance on her own.
3. She needs to investigate the options and find out the specifics of how to do it in her state.

Can we drop this now? LOL

[convextech]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I agree. You need leverage. If they don't want to obey the rules, they won't if there isn't something you can hold over them.

Right now, I am being positive and supportive. I'm helping them figure out a place to live. That's what needs to be taken care of right now.

You love them and raise them and wish the best for them but some of them just have a mind of their own and have to learn the hard way.

I agree. I was a jerk to my parents and never followed the rules. Daddy always bailed me out when I got into trouble but Mom never did. It wasn't until I was alone & pregnant that I realized I was screwing up my own life, not the other way around.

[convextech]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

Please, don't bash me, but are you 100% sure that DD#1 really is pregnant? Was it confirmed by a doctor? Apparently, there is a quite a black market for home pregnancy test strips that show positive results so you can't really trust something like that.

Frankly, it sounds like it could be another way to either hurt or manipulate you and DH.

She may really be pregnant but before doing hours of checking into insurance & housing & homes for unwed mothers & contacting the BF's parents & everything else perhaps a trip to her gynecologist would be in order.

That's what I was saying too. She got kicked out, was gone for about a month and then suddenly she's pregnant? I'd be wanting to make her pee on a stick right in front of me, and naked. LOL

[Katarina Witt]

I've read down to post #40, I can't take any more time on CD right now. I apologize if anything I say next has already been said.

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

Good advice. Thanks.

She doesn't need Medicaid because she can stay on my insurance. It's the baby they'll need insurance for. I think I'll make some calls this week. Lord knows she won't. She will have to be the one to go down and apply though.

Generally the baby is covered for 30 days in those situations. Then it will have to be Medicaid (unless she or the father gets a job with bennies that lets the baby be covered). There are many community health centers these days that give good care.

Originally Posted by MissTerri

She will be able to just sign the baby up for Medicaid then. It might be good to call a prenatal clinic that accepts Medicaid as they will be able to guide you through the process of signing up the baby and let you know when it needs to be done. I'm not sure if you have to wait until after the baby is born to do it or if you can do it sooner.

I don't know your individual circumstances but letting her stay with you until she can get an apartment seems like the right thing to do. As of now, she is not only pregnant, she's homeless.

I agree.

Originally Posted by stan4

No. She is not.

Doing what you and others here suggest is the definition of enabling.

I don't think this is the time for "tough love". I've done some of that myself, but I cannot imagine allowing my kid to be homeless.

[Mattie]

Originally Posted by Montanama

I'm noticing that you are readily replying to those who have suggestions regarding insurance matters, but less (not) bothering to reply to those including myself making suggestions as to how to change your approach as a parent.

Ivory has never appreciated any post that indicated she might be doing things wrong. You've had some very good posts on this thread Montanama, but Ivory won't change her stripes. Her posting history will bear that out.

Right now I'm trying to get over the hypocrisy of calling the ACA Obummercare on one hand, while looking for a government program to house and feed her own daughter and grandchild.

The plan to help her find an apartment is probably best, as I doubt this girl wants to move back into such a toxic household. But, in the meantime? Does she still sleep in a car?

[Montanama]

Sleeping in a car at her age and early stage of pregnancy is not the end of the world, though I'd worry about WHERE the car is and whether she is safe.

Being "homeless" for a little while right now (she is taking a shower somewhere, I presume) is far better in the long run than returning home to the same old dynamic described in previous threads. It isn't going to change, as some here have noted. It's destructive to Ivory's peace of mind and apparently her marital relationship. But most of all it's destructive to the daughter's ability to move forward in her life, even if her current circumstances are difficult.

Her best chance for a life as a productive independent adult is muddling through this tough spot and finding her own strength to get through it on her own terms. If she goes back home now I just don't know if she'll ever leave.

It would be good if she could get into an apartment near her workplace soon.

[Nor'Eastah]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

She's looking for help from her dad and I and it is not there and I wouldn't give it to her if it were after pulling this crap. I'd like to have some information to toss back at her when she plays pity poor me. No one is bailing her out here. She did this to herself.

I think you need to grow up, mama, yourself. I can see where your "dd" got it from.

As a father of 2 and grandfather of 6, let me tell you a thing or two about the future and how you will feel once you DO grow up. It is this: once that baby is born (and you will thank your lucky stars there was NO abortion and NO adoption), you will go to pieces. No grandparent can resist a grandchild. And no grandparent can ever forgive themselves, if they alienate the child who produces that grandchild - especially if they are refused visiting privileges due to antagonistic behavior during the pregnancy.

You are courting heartache. Your daughter will become a mature woman much faster than you know, especially after this baby is born. And I don't need to tell you how quickly babies grow into school children, then into teenagers, then adults...do I? What I am saying is, you are having an angry reaction to what your daughter has done in her immaturity. You cannot foresee that a family is being started here. It is part of YOUR family. It will continue to be, and to grow, as that is the essence of life.

I did not agree with everything my 2 daughters did, when they were young. But I had to remember that I was young once myself. One of my daughters became pregnant before she got married. We were supportive of both her and her young man (now my son-in-law for almost 20 years). They have given us 4 of our 6 grandchildren, and I cannot tell you how much my life has been enriched by that.

Stand by your kids. They won't be kids forever. And you won't like being left out in the cold.

[riaelise]

Firstly, as a mother of two girls, I'm sorry to read this Secondly, I think she really needs to give the baby up if she doesn't want to abort since she is in no way prepared to take care of it. She owes it to the kid. It take more than love and rainbows..it's a lifelong commitment and is she willing to make that commitment? Is her relationship with the father truly strong? I know things don't work out when it comes to relationships, but bringing a kid into the world due to teen romance can be a recipe for disaster.

As for people against the "tough love", I'll say this. There were certain things that my mother had ZERO tolerance of. One of them was underage, out of wedlock pregnancy. My mother made it very clear to me from an early age that she would not be taking care of/raising any child that I bear. I really think she would have stuck to her guns even if the baby was born. Like I said, when it came to that, there was no gray area, and it scared the heck out of me. Just knowing that I didn't exactly have a safety net if I messed up did factor in my sexual decisions. And I say "mess up" because as girls, we are not really ignorant when it comes to sex. We know what's going on.