The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (daughter, grandmother)
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Sleeping in a car at her age and early stage of pregnancy is not the end of the world, though I'd worry about WHERE the car is and whether she is safe.
Being "homeless" for a little while right now (she is taking a shower somewhere, I presume) is far better in the long run than returning home to the same old dynamic described in previous threads. It isn't going to change, as some here have noted. It's destructive to Ivory's peace of mind and apparently her marital relationship. But most of all it's destructive to the daughter's ability to move forward in her life, even if her current circumstances are difficult.
Her best chance for a life as a productive independent adult is muddling through this tough spot and finding her own strength to get through it on her own terms. If she goes back home now I just don't know if she'll ever leave.
It would be good if she could get into an apartment near her workplace soon.
Ivory, I think you need to let your daughter know how excited you are about being a grandmother. Let her know how much you are looking forward to sharing the joy of THIS CHILD with her. Let her know you're scared and this wasn't the way you envisioned it all unfolding, but that regardless of the past, the future holds a beautiful baby that both of you can love TOGETHER.
Praise her when you see her eating something healthy, or when she keeps her appointments with the doctor. Offer to go with her to her prenatal appointments. Offer to drive her to them, for that matter. Buy little booties and give them to her. Take her to lunch. Throw some confidence her way even if you're not feeling it at the moment. Treat her like a young woman, like a responsible mother, like a woman who OF COURSE puts her baby's best interests first.
My daughter was scared to death to be pregnant and completely on her own and responsible for herself AND a baby at age 19. But every chance I got, I praised her and supported her emotionally. I took her to lunch every week on Wednesdays, for instance, and we would always go to this little boutique sort of place that was very close to a baby shop - and we'd often pop in and I'd treat her to something in there - some part of a theme she began collecting. Or I'd show up at lunch with a little gift bag that sometimes held baby supplies...and sometimes held bath soap and scented candles for HER - or a gift card to get her hair done or some little luxury that I knew she was foregoing because of her very tight budget.
I also took her to resale shops and places like that to look for things like a chest of drawers, that sort of thing, and we worked on refinishing them together. I bragged on her when she decorated a corner of her tiny little one bedroom apartment for the baby.
Honestly, this was a real bonding time for us as a mother and a daughter. Prior to getting pregnant, she had been going through a really rebellious stage. The pregnancy really sobered her up literally and figuratively, but I am SURE that if I'd just allowed her to move back in, she would have quit working when she got morning sickness, and before long she would have been sitting around my house eating chips all day and watching TV while I worked full time and paid her insurance deductibles. I'm sure I'd have been coming home from work to her and that ridiculous, sorry bio dad hanging around, probably arguing, while I tried to fix dinner. No bueno.
I did. It's better to have a home than to not have one, no matter how dysfunctional it may be. It is surely safer than sleeping in a car. I also recommended that you change your attitude to one that is supportive, encouraging, and loving despite all her mistakes and flaws. That's just being a parent.
Part of being a parent is holding your child's hand and guiding them towards adulthood. In this scenario, when your daughter seems to need you the most for guidance as she's about to bring a child into the world.... where are you? Going on an internet forum to complain about her yet again and figure out how to make the government to pay so you don't have to let her back into your home. You have a choice to let her back into your home, to work on your flawed relationship with her, and to see your grandchild regularly. You also have the choice to let her be homeless, let your relationship with your daughter become even more toxic, and never see the blessing that is your grandchild who despite his/her birth can grow up to be anyone.
I just can't think of anything I could do in which my parents would rather take the risk that I be found homeless/dead on the street or something than take me in...
Being homeless puts her at increased risk for delivering prematurely and/or having a low birth weight baby. Please talk to her about her plans to find an apartment and help her get into one as soon as possible. She needs a place to lay her head at night that is safe. She needs a kitchen to store groceries and prepare healthy meals in. She need to have some consistency so that she is not constantly stressed and wondering where she is going to sleep at night.
When my 21 year old son refused to quit doing drugs, no one in the family would take him in (eventually - that is, everyone took him in and then kicked him out at one point or the other). I sent him to the Salvation Army the last time he called, from a Greyhound bus station five states away, thinking he was going to come home and crash at my place.
That's where he ended up and it was the best thing that could have happened to him. He was forced to become self supporting because he wanted out of the Salvation Army! Now he's been self supporting for five years and though I don't agree with all of his life choices, I respect him.
There are times when you just can't keep bailing a young adult out. It's hard.
In the OP's case, it's complicated by a pregnancy, but IF I let the daughter move back in, it would ONLY be her (not the boyfriend) and there would be very strict rules which she would have to live by until she was able to move out on her own. If she didn't live by those rules, she'd have to move out, pregnant or not. After all, if she doesn't care enough for the unborn baby to live by common sense rules, rules which would include a concrete plan for independence and living on her own before the baby was born, then there's not much anyone can do for her long term.
I'd be helping her get into her own apartment ASAP.
When my 21 year old son refused to quit doing drugs, no one in the family would take him in (eventually - that is, everyone took him in and then kicked him out at one point or the other). I sent him to the Salvation Army the last time he called, from a Greyhound bus station five states away, thinking he was going to come home and crash at my place.
That's where he ended up and it was the best thing that could have happened to him. He was forced to become self supporting because he wanted out of the Salvation Army! Now he's been self supporting for five years and though I don't agree with all of his life choices, I respect him.
There are times when you just can't keep bailing a young adult out. It's hard.
In the OP's case, it's complicated by a pregnancy, but IF I let the daughter move back in, it would ONLY be her (not the boyfriend) and there would be very strict rules which she would have to live by until she was able to move out on her own. If she didn't live by those rules, she'd have to move out, pregnant or not. After all, if she doesn't care enough for the unborn baby to live by common sense rules, rules which would include a concrete plan for independence and living on her own before the baby was born, then there's not much anyone can do for her long term.
I'd be helping her get into her own apartment ASAP.
I agree that Ivory should not let the boy move in. And, also, I'd help the girl get into an apartment ASAP. No good can come of her moving home at this point.
But, this girl hasn't been on drugs. And, she hasn't accused of breaking laws ( that was the other one).
What she has done, is rebelled against a mother who considered her #2, despite her birth order. For her sake, as well as the sake of her unborn child, Ivory needs to step up, stop being vindictive, and put a roof over the girl's head until other arrangements can be made.
I agree that Ivory should not let the boy move in. And, also, I'd help the girl get into an apartment ASAP. No good can come of her moving home at this point.
But, this girl hasn't been on drugs. And, she hasn't accused of breaking laws ( that was the other one).
What she has done, is rebelled against a mother who considered her #2, despite her birth order. For her sake, as well as the sake of her unborn child, Ivory needs to step up, stop being vindictive, and put a roof over the girl's head until other arrangements can be made.
I think we agree on most points.
I think that Ivory needs to step up to try to be sure the daughter is in a safe place - BUT all deals are off if the daughter doesn't cooperate. What the daughter cannot be allowed to do is to be rebellious or lazy or irresponsible while languishing at another's expense. Now is the time for both mother AND daughter to step up to the plate and safeguard the unborn child. The mother/grandmother can only do so much by the way. In the end, it's up to the daughter to take care of herself and her baby. She's not 14.
Ivory, your daughter has a full time job now, which was one of the conditions you put on letting her continue to live at home. When your husband kicked her out, did he do so with the stipulation that she was never allowed to come back, no matter what? I was under the impression that you both wanted her to work and/or go to school.
I know that some of us suggested that you kick her out, but that was because she was refusing to look for a job or do anything but lay around the house all day expecting others to take care of her. She now has full time employment, no matter what finally forced her into the workforce, so she has at least met that expectation that you had of her. Don't you think that letting her live in her old bedroom for a specified amount of time would be fair?
In the meantime, you can make sure that she is getting the nutrition that both she and the baby need while you help her find assistance and a safe place to live. Obviously, your plan for her did not include a baby, but there is one, and you have to make the best of it. She is trying by working, maybe you can meet her part of the way?
Last edited by raindrop101; 06-23-2014 at 05:11 PM..
Ivory, your daughter has a full time job now, which was one of the conditions you put on letting her continue to live at home. When your husband kicked her out, did he do so with the stipulation that she was never allowed to come back, no matter what? I was under the impression that you both wanted her to work and/or go to school.
I know that some of us suggested that you kick her out, but that was because she was refusing to look for a job or do anything but lay around the house all day expecting others to take care of her. She now has full time employment, no matter what finally forced her into the workforce, so she has at least met that expectation that you had of her. Don't you think that letting her live in her old bedroom for a specified amount of time would be fair?
In the meantime, you can make sure that she is getting the nutrition that both she and the baby need while you help her find assistance and a safe place to live. Obviously, your plan for her did not include a baby, but there is one, and you have to make the best of it. She is trying by working, maybe you can meet her part of the way?
I agree with this. If it were me, I'd let her move in RATHER THAN SLEEP IN A CAR for a specified amount of time - a month, maybe. But ONLY if she is grateful and cooperative and helpful. This should give you enough time to line things out with her - where she is going to live, what sorts of programs she may be eligible for, her prenatal care, etc. Honestly, you can make this an opportunity to show her SUPPORT - not be enabling her, but by HELPING her stand on her own two feet. Help her get her OWN place. Help her but don't enable her. There is a difference.
If you help her, she will know you support her as a person. If you enable her, you will end up supporting her, her boyfriend, and a baby. There's a big difference and a fine balancing point. Find it and stick to it.
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