The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (children, married)
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Being homeless in a car might justify being desperate enough to manipulate people to get a roof over her head. I'd let it go. The reality is she needs a place to live even if she's not pregnant. Find her housing and let her figure out her life.
She needs to find her own housing though. Even if she hasn't had her first paycheck yet, she does have a job, that is full time, and will pay somewhat more than minimum wage, in a depressed part of the country where rents are fairly cheap. Plus, she has her boyfriend, who already has an established full-time job. What's he doing with his income? He can afford a $600/month loft. And she should be living with him, preparing to share the expenses.
These aren't young teenagers. They're adults. They should have been raised to behave like adults. It sounds like their parents failed to do their jobs, but there's no time like the present to do it now. And the job - is to let these adults BE adults, and make those adult decisions, and do their adult research, without mommy telling them every step they need to take and giving them the phone numbers and making their doctors' appointments for them and showing them how to fill out forms and bringing the forms to them etc. etc. Adults are expected to do this stuff for themselves, unless they're declared incompetent.
Mommy needs to have this expectation for her adult offspring. It sounds like she has never had high expectations for her daughter, and her daughter is now succeeding in spades to rise to these minimum expectations. Mommy needs to step back and let her baby girl grow up.
She needs to find her own housing though. Even if she hasn't had her first paycheck yet, she does have a job, that is full time, and will pay somewhat more than minimum wage, in a depressed part of the country where rents are fairly cheap. Plus, she has her boyfriend, who already has an established full-time job. What's he doing with his income? He can afford a $600/month loft. And she should be living with him, preparing to share the expenses.
These aren't young teenagers. They're adults. They should have been raised to behave like adults. It sounds like their parents failed to do their jobs, but there's no time like the present to do it now. And the job - is to let these adults BE adults, and make those adult decisions, and do their adult research, without mommy telling them every step they need to take and giving them the phone numbers and making their doctors' appointments for them and showing them how to fill out forms and bringing the forms to them etc. etc. Adults are expected to do this stuff for themselves, unless they're declared incompetent.
Mommy needs to have this expectation for her adult offspring. It sounds like she has never had high expectations for her daughter, and her daughter is now succeeding in spades to rise to these minimum expectations. Mommy needs to step back and let her baby girl grow up.
I'm not so sure we failed. Dd's response to getting pregnant was to finally get a job. Her boyfriend's response was to get a second job. I can think of worse responses.
I have always had high expectations for my kids. My expectations are not the issue here. I have been concerned for some time about dd because she has issues that are not typical. Most kids want a job at 16 and want a driver's license. You might recall that the only reason she got a driver's license at 17 was because she liked a boy who was going through driver's ed. I think she still wouldn't have one if that hadn't happened. Not too long ago she told her dad "I haven't needed a job for 18 years, I don't see why I need one now.". At least she sees a need for one now. This is not the way I would have liked to see it happen but at least we've gotten that far.
Dd is 19. She's an adult. She's going to be a parent. She needs to do this on her own. I cannot and will not do it for her. It's going to be painful. Growing pains often are.
Offer your house to stay at BUT they have to have requirements- not just laze around while there.
Get on Foodstamps
Get on WIC
Get on Medicaid
Get Cash Assistance
Keep their jobs
Make sure she keeps her dr appointments
Try to keep dad in the picture
and finally: You may hate this situation and be mad at your daughter but she is an adult and whats done is done- its time for you to be as supportive as you can.
Ivory, you talk about an apartment for both of them... is he actually planning to do that, or are you just assuming?
While I think he'd rather set up an apartment in our basement, he's on board with them getting a place of their own. They can't stay here and they can't stay with his parents. They do want to be together.
Offer your house to stay at BUT they have to have requirements- not just laze around while there.
Get on Foodstamps
Get on WIC
Get on Medicaid
Get Cash Assistance
Keep their jobs
Make sure she keeps her dr appointments
Try to keep dad in the picture
and finally: You may hate this situation and be mad at your daughter but she is an adult and whats done is done- its time for you to be as supportive as you can.
And what do I do with my pregnant daughter if she quits her job and refuses to do any of the above after she's moved back in?
Dh and I have been trying to get this girl to get a job for two years now. Nothing we said made any difference to her. She ignored our requests for things like no sleep overs with the boyfriend and staying in school and keeping up her school work and thought she should be paid for any work she did around the house. We've been struggling with her sense of entitlement for some time. No, we won't be going back there. At least not as long as the boyfriend is in the picture. If she were truly on her own, I wouldn't have much choice but he is there for her. They're just both very immature. I've said for years that dd#1 may be physically my oldest child but she's developmentally my younger child. She's always been a little different and what works on most kids doesn't work on her.
I think the two of them need to try to make it on their own. I think she might just grow up this way. It's unfortunate that an innocent baby is involved but I don't think bailing her out will do anyone any favors.
I was in the process of typing my reply when you posted this. See above.
Why do people think they're being ignored if something isn't answered IMMEDIATELY?
Because you have a tendency to do that.
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