Mom doesn't want playdates anymore but my kid is heartbroken (teaching, wakes up)
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Of course it's hard. When people say that parenting is the hardest job, this is the kind of thing they mean. Not changing diapers. But, hard as it is, it is our job as parents to help them work through difficult times - because, unfortunately this won't be the last time things like this will happen. Rejection and disappointment happen, and it's hard. Hard on them and hard on us to see it. It will pass though. Hang in there.
I agree! My kids are a little older, but I have a really hard time being a spectator to their social lives and worrying about hurt feelings, rejection, bullying, etc. Sometimes there just isn't anything you can do.
We DO invite other kids over. He sees other kids every day. He's not starved for playmates; he just misses his best friend. Also, I am a little concerned about what will happen when he sees his friend, since I don't know why mom has stopped the playdates. I am concerned that the friend won't want to play with him or something, and my son will be devastated. I'd really like to know what's going on before that.
The chances are the kid doesn't know his mother stopped the play dates too or he knows and it has nothing to do with his not liking your son. He is probably missing your son as much as your son misses him, and it will be fine when they see each other again. Right now, it's just best to tell your son that his mother says they're too busy to play for now.
As much as you'd like to know WHY, I assure you that you don't want to go down that road. You need to parent your son on your own because other parents don't care about any child but their own. You need to learn what to say to your son when you don't have the answers why because often there aren't answers, and when there are answers they often don't make sense.
Don't confront her, ask her why, etc.. That will seal the deal that the children's relationship will be over forever. Right now, nothing has been spoken so she could change her mind in the future when the children are older. However, if you ask her why and she tells you then it's a done deal inher mind---even when the children are older and attending school together to make plans together. If you don't say anything, the boys might be able to rekindle their friendship again someday.
It's truly, truly, truly in your son's best interest to not be soooooooooooo attached to one child. This isn't the last time this will happen in your child's life. Having more than one friend makes it easier for when it happens. Parents do this for all sorts of reasons. It's very common.
Sometimes it's because the children aren't getting along, have behavior problems together, etc. Sometimes it's because the parent doesn't like you, your husband, your lifestyle, your social status, or whatever. The parent I was talking about used to cut off friendships to punish her children---viewing their friends as the cause for whatever bad behavior they were having at home. My child lasted as a friend from 3 years old until 12 years old, while many other kids were banished from being allowed to play with her child. It was just a matter of time before my child ended up on "the list" and it started to become a joke among other kids in the school district who were on "the list."
My biggest mistake was asking her why. I thought I could because we weren't strangers. We had done many things together over the years. If the words hadn't been spoken, my son might not have been solidified on the list and they may have been able to play together sometime in the future. But when a parent says steadfast yet vague things like "we are encouraging our son to spend time with other children" and "they can be school friends" --- you're not going to take that well and the conversation is going to go downhill even if you maintain your composure because you're going to ask more questions to try to find out WHY.
Wow, I am so shocked at the advice to just let it go. I really expected people to say I should just ask her, which is what I was inclined to do. I guess now I won't do that. I am really surprised that people think it's normal to be friends one day and not the next - I have never done that and can't imagine doing it. I suppose I will redouble my efforts to introduce him to more kids and hope he finds a new friend he likes as much. Unfortunately, this mom and I know all the same moms, so I have a little bit of paranoia that she might bad mouth me to them and sabotage my efforts. I have no reason to think that really, nor do I know what she would say about me or my child, but I am so baffled by her actions now that I just don't really know what to think and it's making me paranoid.
Wow, I am so shocked at the advice to just let it go. I really expected people to say I should just ask her, which is what I was inclined to do. I guess now I won't do that. I am really surprised that people think it's normal to be friends one day and not the next - I have never done that and can't imagine doing it. I suppose I will redouble my efforts to introduce him to more kids and hope he finds a new friend he likes as much. Unfortunately, this mom and I know all the same moms, so I have a little bit of paranoia that she might bad mouth me to them and sabotage my efforts. I have no reason to think that really, nor do I know what she would say about me or my child, but I am so baffled by her actions now that I just don't really know what to think and it's making me paranoid.
I never said it is normal, and I would never do it either. I said your options are limited.
If you consider this person to be a good friend, then you could take the advice of the poster who said to ask if she's ok. Don't make it about you and your son. Make it about your concern for her. If she doesn't open up to you, then you can't do anything else.
I have a feeling it is one of two things - either something personal with her, and totally unrelated to you; or she and/or her son found you/your son to be too clingy (I only say that because of the waking up crying. IMO that isn't normal).
Wow, I am so shocked at the advice to just let it go. I really expected people to say I should just ask her, which is what I was inclined to do. I guess now I won't do that. I am really surprised that people think it's normal to be friends one day and not the next - I have never done that and can't imagine doing it. I suppose I will redouble my efforts to introduce him to more kids and hope he finds a new friend he likes as much. Unfortunately, this mom and I know all the same moms, so I have a little bit of paranoia that she might bad mouth me to them and sabotage my efforts. I have no reason to think that really, nor do I know what she would say about me or my child, but I am so baffled by her actions now that I just don't really know what to think and it's making me paranoid.
It's not normal. It's common. People who do this aren't normal IMO. Now that you're a parent, you're going to run into lots of passive-aggressive people who are afraid of difficult conversations. Many parents are going to baffle you in some way or another over the next 13+ years.
Don't be paranoid she's talking about you to others. Chances are this isn't even an major issue in her life and she's not giving it a second thought. Unless something happened or you confronted her, it's very unlikely she's spreading gossip. Confronting her could very well inspire her to talk about you.
Definitely redouble your efforts for him to meet new friends. Ensure he doesn't only have ONE CHILD he has such an emotional connection with. My son had many friends, but this ONE CHILD was his soul mate for almost 10 years. You'd think that's a good thing until something like this happens.
I would wait, at least until the camp the two boys will be attending. Our own boys always wanted to bring a friend home after camp let out, and, assuming the other little boy still enjoys your son's company, mom will have a difficult time saying no if you're all right in front of her. And if she does? Well, there's something deeper going on.
They will not be parted forever - they can see each other at camp and at school. Tell your son to hang on until then. If the friendship picks up again, you can approach the mother and ask her if something had happened to make her uncomfortable with you or your child or something to that effect, so that you can make sure it doesn't happen again.
People are weird when it comes to their kids and their decisions often have nothing to do with logic. A childhood friend's parents would NEVER let her sleep over anywhere. The one time she did stay with us, the father grilled my father intensely about poisonous snakes in our backwoods. In New Jersey. Um, ok. If he'd been really smart, he'd have asked about the large number of heroin addicts and alcoholics in our rural neighborhood.
It may be that the mom is having a situation at home that she does not want anyone to know about and so is keeping folks at arm's length.
That happened to my son when he was about 7. A dear friend suddenly stopped w/ the play dates and never offered an explanation. I discovered later that there were myriad issues, from financial problems, to mom's depression, to marital problems, etc.
I intuitively felt something was wrong that didn't have anything, really, to do with my son so I stopped in one day and asked the other mom to lunch . . . and that is when I realized there were other issues and I wished I had never stopped by. Mom came to the door and it was obvious she had been crying and it was rather embarrasing for us both.
Sometimes, just best to leave things alone and move on -- and NOT assume this has a thing to do with you or your son.
I would add - I thought this mom and I were close friends - but in retrospect, I realized we were really NOT that close. We simply had spent time together b/c of our children. Obviously, we were not that close b/c when issues came up in my friend's life, she didn't turn to me for support. Sometimes, we can think we are good friends when we really are just casual friends. At least, as a young mother, that is what I thought.
I would wait, at least until the camp the two boys will be attending. Our own boys always wanted to bring a friend home after camp let out, and, assuming the other little boy still enjoys your son's company, mom will have a difficult time saying no if you're all right in front of her. And if she does? Well, there's something deeper going on.
I see where you are coming from, but why oh why would you want to put the mom on the spot like that?
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