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I see where you are coming from, but why oh why would you want to put the mom on the spot like that?
It's not purposely putting her on the spot. It's something that will naturally happen if the boys are still friends. They will ask their parents for a play date after camp while both parents are standing there. Since these kids had play dates often, it's very likely that's what will happen.
Wow, I am so shocked at the advice to just let it go. I really expected people to say I should just ask her, which is what I was inclined to do. I guess now I won't do that. I am really surprised that people think it's normal to be friends one day and not the next - I have never done that and can't imagine doing it. I suppose I will redouble my efforts to introduce him to more kids and hope he finds a new friend he likes as much. Unfortunately, this mom and I know all the same moms, so I have a little bit of paranoia that she might bad mouth me to them and sabotage my efforts. I have no reason to think that really, nor do I know what she would say about me or my child, but I am so baffled by her actions now that I just don't really know what to think and it's making me paranoid.
You may need to ask her just to resolve it for yourself. But I agree with Hopes that if you can avoid it, it's probably better (good point that it keeps the door open for future). Perhaps she even "heard" some false information about you (ie, something like guns in the house) reported by her 5yo or another person. In that case you could set the record straight. If it's HER or HER worries about social status or something, you can get that information and realize SHE isn't a good friend.
Having been at this parenting thing for awhile now, I can tell you from observation this type of thing happens all the time (and I also agree with you it's not right, but we live in a selfish society where people often look out for themselves before they think of others). I agree with the posters that said it is in your child's best interest to have many friends and acquaintances, so there are always choices. Just wait til middle school (no rush actually! ), the kids change friends and friend groups like monthly (some kids, not all, but this can affect most kids in some way or another as kids change groups, make new friends, drop other friends, etc -- it's much worse for girls).
Also, I think it's good to encourage independent activities, not have kids that always need/want playmates. Read, learn, discover, do family activities, join sports teams or things like cub scouts. Once your child is in school, time will be filled VERY quickly - most kids these days are (over) scheduled, and there wouldn't be so much time to miss a certain "friend".
OP - I re-read your original post . . . and it occurs to me that with your children only being 5 years of age, mom is probably preparing her son for school and not wanting him to be tied into one other child so exclusively. She is probably wanting for him to be around other children and so be open to new friendships with other kids when they start to school.
That is actually not a bad thing (for either of your children).
Your son is, in reality, a bit too attached to his one friend and most likely, other mom realizes this and so decided to give the children some space and time to meet others and broaden their horizons a bit. I can see why she would never address this with you, as it may sound like a negative comment about you, personally, that your child is so dependent on her child. So rather than tell you what she is doing (and she surely did not owe you any explanation!) -- she has just decided to cool things a bit with you and your son and reach out to others, so her son has a smooth social experience with school this Fall.
It's not purposely putting her on the spot. It's something that will naturally happen if the boys are still friends. They will ask their parents for a play date after camp while both parents are standing there. Since these kids had play dates often, it's very likely that's what will happen.
Most folks (well, the moms in my circle) are going to want their children home with them for a while after being away at camp.
So turning down the invite is not going to tell anyone anything. All the other mom has to say is - "well, let's get home and unwind a bit before we start filling in the calendar!" or some such.
Most folks (well, the moms in my circle) are going to want their children home with them for a while after being away at camp.
That's not the way parents are where Mattie and I live and we're in different areas of the country. I often brought kids home to play at my house or allowed my child to run off to a friend's house. Sometimes the other mother and I would decide to go together to get something to eat where children can play. We have a great restaurant in our area that has pinball machines and all types of fun arcade games for children and adults. When the children were younger we'd go to McDonalds so the kids could climb on the jungle gym. Sometimes we'd arrange to run home to get our bathing suits and all meet at the pool in a hour.
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Originally Posted by anifani821
So turning down the invite is not going to tell anyone anything. All the other mom has to say is - "well, let's get home and unwind a bit before we start filling in the calendar!" or some such.
That would be an usual response from a parent in my region. They'd more likely give their child a reason today isn't a good day (dentist appointment, father's birthday, etc.) and make arrangements (at that moment) for a different day. I'd view anyone who talks about checking calendars as someone who has trouble saying no. As a matter of fact, in my entire years of parenting, not one parent ever mentioned the calendar. Then again, my circle was mostly SAHMs who had plenty of free time to be flexible.
It will take awhile, but your son will move on. I had a similar issue when my son was that age. His best friend suddenly stopped coming over or inviting us. It turned out the mother was upset at me for a ridiculous issue. Needless to say it was tough for my son for awhile but he moved on.
Your son can feel your anguish over this, don't let him. Move on to other friends and activities and before you know it he won't be asking for playdates with the boy anymore. Good luck, I know it is hard!!
Your son is, in reality, a bit too attached to his one friend and most likely, other mom realizes this and so decided to give the children some space and time to meet others and broaden their horizons a bit. I can see why she would never address this with you, as it may sound like a negative comment about you, personally, that your child is so dependent on her child. So rather than tell you what she is doing (and she surely did not owe you any explanation!) -- she has just decided to cool things a bit with you and your son and reach out to others, so her son has a smooth social experience with school this Fall.
It's possible she saw the attachment in her own child too.
An explanation would certainly be much kinder. When children are very close friends for a few years, an explanation should be given without someone even asking. The other parent might feel the same, and they can work together to achieve the goals. Of course, some parents aren't capable of doing what's right because they're too fearful of the other parent's response. But suddenly giving weird responses is just downright strange.
What parents are missing is that they are managing their children's social lives. Part of that responsibility includes handling relationships as we would our own friendships. After all, we are teaching our children how to be good friends. If we had problems with our own adult friends, our best friends, we wouldn't suddenly stop taking their calls or make excuses instead of having a talk with our friend. Parents who don't treat their children's friends with the same respect and courtesy they would their own friends are basically treating their children's social lives as insignificant. That's really sad, not just for their children's friends, but for their own children too.
This woman and I have been getting together about once a week for playdates since our kids were tiny (they are 5 now). Her son was my son's first real friend, and really his only close friend. My son just absolutely adores this kid, and her son seems to feel the same way. The two boys would have played together all day every day if we'd let them. Suddenly, about two months ago, she stopped asking for playdates. She canceled three in a row at the very last minute, and then turned down another three or four invites from me. I tried waiting and not inviting, since I didn't want to be a pest, but my son asks every single day if he can see his friend and then cries when I tell him no. He has actually woken up in the middle of the night, sobbing because he misses his friend. I have tried playdates with other kids, but it doesn't help. He just doesn't have another friend that he loves like this boy. I have no idea why mom suddenly doesn't want to get together and have not confronted her about it, but I feel I might have to. I cannot bear to ask again for a playdate when she has said no so many times. She has never offered any excuse or apology. If she were just my friend I'd forget her and move on (I am actually kind of hurt myself by this), but my son is so heartbroken over this that I can't do that. I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask one more time for a playdate or ask her what is going on and if there is some reason she doesn't want them to play together? I don't want to be confrontational, since she obviously would have told me what's wrong if she wanted to. I also don't want to seem paranoid or desperate (although I am desperate, on behalf of my child). And I hate to be the parent who can't take a hint, but after all this time shouldn't she give more than a hint if she is trying to end this relationship? I am really torn up over this. Advice?
It could be something drastic has happened, she might have lost her job, or a close relative has died. The only way you are going to know is to pick up the phone and call her, tell her you were thinking about her, and is everything okay? Perhaps you could go pick the boy up and bring him home to give her a break?
Wow, I am so shocked at the advice to just let it go. I really expected people to say I should just ask her, which is what I was inclined to do. I guess now I won't do that. I am really surprised that people think it's normal to be friends one day and not the next - I have never done that and can't imagine doing it. I suppose I will redouble my efforts to introduce him to more kids and hope he finds a new friend he likes as much. Unfortunately, this mom and I know all the same moms, so I have a little bit of paranoia that she might bad mouth me to them and sabotage my efforts. I have no reason to think that really, nor do I know what she would say about me or my child, but I am so baffled by her actions now that I just don't really know what to think and it's making me paranoid.
I am lead to wonder as to who wakes up sobbing for the other kid. People move on and that is normal. Maybe not in your little solar system but people do go on in life somehow each and everyday. Tell your kid the other family moved away - it's not that much of a story, what is the chance of seeing them again?
I will never understand the concept of "play dates". Aren't there other kids around your kid can just go out and play with or is there a vetting system to weed out the bad kids?
I am lead to wonder as to who wakes up sobbing for the other kid. People move on and that is normal. Maybe not in your little solar system but people do go on in life somehow each and everyday. Tell your kid the other family moved away - it's not that much of a story, what is the chance of seeing them again?
I will never understand the concept of "play dates". Aren't there other kids around your kid can just go out and play with or is there a vetting system to weed out the bad kids?
I grew up in a neighborhood with no other children. So my parents had no other options but to schedule playdates with my classmates.
And if you read the posts fully, you would see that the children will be attending camp and school together. So lying about them moving away isn't really an option.
Moreover, my one childhood best friend moved away when we were 9. We maintain contact 30 years later, though the friendship has changed a lot over the years.
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), the kids change friends and friend groups like monthly (some kids, not all, but this can affect most kids in some way or another as kids change groups, make new friends, drop other friends, etc -- it's much worse for girls).
