My daughter told me she's going to kill herself if I don't allow her to legally change her name? (friend, raise)

[leebeemi]

OP, I'm glad you have an appt made. Make her understand that you love her regardless of her name. Also, this may be the first step in getting her name changed. When I was her age, I wanted my name changed (unconventional spelling, gender neutral, predictable middle name). But it wasn't just about the name. I wanted to be someone other than myself. "Marissa Elspeth" was going to be someone I did want to be. Smart-but-not-too-smart, respected, popular-ish, never weird, never trying too hard, always comfortable in her own skin. She could be prom queen, star of the drama club, the most-likely-to-succeed. I wanted to drop my name, but also all the baggage that I felt was dragging me down. My parents were GOOD parents. They made mistakes, sure, but nothing big. I just had image issues. I hated who I was, but couldn't figure out how to change me. If I could be "Marissa," have her be the one on the driver's license, on my HS diploma, getting the first job, going to college, I felt like I could shed my skin and be different. I managed to pull myself out of it, but a lot has stayed with me over the years. I know I was clinically depressed back then (as I am now, but am in treatment). I didn't change my name, and "Marissa Elspeth" sounds so hokey and pretentious, I have to LOL about it! I love the name I was given now, because the person I am is pretty awesome. But if the only way I had been able to discover this latent awesomeness was through a name change, it would have been worth it.

Perhaps Ellie doesn't feel like she is comfortable in her own skin. She may feel unable to live up to her older sister's accomplishments. Maybe Ellie is the screw-up, the one that can't do anything right, the one that is hard to love. Spencer might be more confident, more lovable, more...whatever. She may be struggling with who she feels like--and in the teen mind, that is linked to how people know her. If she wants to change her name, is it her way of redefining herself? And if it is, would it be worth it to make that change if she can realize her own happiness and potential?

[Tzaphkiel]

i hope the first thing you say in the therapy session is "effective immediately, yes I will call you the name of your own choosing, and when you are 18 you are free to change it legally, and I support you in that decision. It is your name, it is your life. I apologize for not seeing this sooner, however now I do see it."

[Just A Guy]

Originally Posted by skylineofhope

I now realize that isn't true and that suicide should be treated with a great amount of seriousness, which is why I've booked an appointment with a therapist first thing tomorrow.

Awesome. Hopefully, you will come back and give us updates on how things are going for you. Good luck. Hope things start turning around for you and your daughter.

[spchtx]

I completely agree with others that it is not about the name. When my daughter was 13 she wanted to change her name. We told her she could have all her friends call her whatever she wanted, but we would not legally change her name. We still called her by her given name. She was also having anxiety attacks as well as depression, and we took her to therapy.

She was agreeable to go, but she grumbled about the particular therapist at first. Kept saying it wouldn't help, but I had a really good vibe about the therapist, so I gave her a timeline to try it. If it didn't work, she could switch to a new one. Now she loves her!

She's 14 now, and she still hates her given name, but no longer wants to be called the name she used the entire school year. So she can see first hand the benefit of not changing her name. She is thinking of going by her middle name, but at least now she doesn't grumble and correct us when we call her by her first name.

Do what ever you have to do, but get her in therapy. She might not be serious about killing herself, but there is way more going on than her wanting to change her name.

Good luck to you! Parenting a teen, especially a girl, is not for the weak at heart!

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by skylineofhope

Look, I may not be the best mother around, but I'm not nearly as horrible as you're making me out to be either. First off, I didn't "drive' my husband off, we divorced because we just had irreconcilable differences and because even while we were married he was mostly absent from our lives. I'm in no way putting the blame solely on him, however the way you worded your sentence paints the picture that I somehow drove him off with my irresponsibility and craziness, which isn't true. You are right about one thing though, a guy who only bothers to visit his daughter once a year isn't exactly the epitome of selflessness is he now?
Also, I in no way think suicide is a trivial or laughable matter, the only thing I said initially was that my daughter could be using suicide as a way to emotionally blackmail me into doing what she wants, I now realize that isn't true and that suicide should be treated with a great amount of seriousness, which is why I've booked an appointment with a therapist first thing tomorrow.
Lastly, I don't have any issues with transgendered people, it's their life and they can live it however they want, I have absolutely no problem. But it's different when it's my own daughter who wants a sex change (which as far I know, she doesn't).
All I said about the name Spencer is that the only Spencer I've ever been genuinely close to is my old guy friend from high school, and I said that to emphasize the unfamiliarity the specific name holds to me, it wasn't about gender at all.
Please don't draw premature conclusions.
-Have a great day.

Pay no attention. Stella is a misogynist.

[sheena12]

Originally Posted by skylineofhope

Hello All:

So my daughter (she's 15 right now) has been hounding me for around 3 years now regarding a name change. Her name is Ellie, and I have no idea why she hates it so much, it's a beautiful name! I don't know whether it has anything to do with her grandmother dying, since they shared a name, but she won't tell me when I ask, she just gets angry. The other day we were having an argument about it yet again, and then suddenly she ran to the kitchen, grabbed one of those sharp knives and told me that if I don't allow her to change her name she's going to slit her wrists with that knife. It was alarming, obviously, so now I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick, if I'm going to be honest. I keep on trying to get in touch with my ex-husband but he always somehow dodges my calls. He hasn't really kept in touch since we divorced so he won't be much help either.
I recommended taking her to a therapist so she can discuss her issues openly and freely but as soon as I suggested it she got unbelievably angry at me and started calling me every name in the book.
Ultimately I'm not sure whether I should just let her change the damn name so she can stop with this, or if I should be firm and put my foot down and simply not allow that kind of bratty behavior.

Thanks in advance for any advice
-Adrianna

OK Adrianna, I read much of what you have written, and I have a few observations/

1. There are people who, for whatever reason, do not bond with or like their names. Imagine going through life with a name that you detest.Most people, as they contemplate a name change, use several names before making the legal change. I would support her desire to change her name.
I happen to like Spencer Valeria more that I do "Eleanore Jessica".

2. While I know in some families and in some social circles, naming a child a "family name" or an ethnic name, is very important. However, not all names from the past, work well in the present. There are actually studies done about names children like - and school mates like. One category of names that are frequently liked by teenage girls are sexually ambiguous. She added "Valeria". the Latinate form of the French "Valerie".

3. The trend to name children, particularly girls, stuffy great grandma names does not seem to be producing happy young women.

Names like "Eleanore" "Gertrude" "Bertha" or "Mildred" do not conjure the images most girls care to portray. I can recommend a book about the subject if you are interested.

I know you mean well, but this is not about YOU. It's about your daughter

Some people use the phrase "I will kill myself if...." to express a degree of depredation. Think about letting her use Spencer for a year. If she is still adamant about it, support her choice.
She could have had a bad experience with the name.

ETA - I know of several people who changed their names at about that age, because they felt that they were frumpy. They did so before entering HS, so that they would be known by the new name.
One was named Winifred - she had hated being called "Winnie" and "the poo" and she changed her name to Stephanie. The other was Elinor. Hated it. She in now Mia. They are both happy with their names.

[wall st kid]

Originally Posted by skylineofhope

Hello All:

So my daughter (she's 15 right now) has been hounding me for around 3 years now regarding a name change. Her name is Ellie, and I have no idea why she hates it so much, it's a beautiful name! I don't know whether it has anything to do with her grandmother dying, since they shared a name, but she won't tell me when I ask, she just gets angry. The other day we were having an argument about it yet again, and then suddenly she ran to the kitchen, grabbed one of those sharp knives and told me that if I don't allow her to change her name she's going to slit her wrists with that knife. It was alarming, obviously, so now I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick, if I'm going to be honest. I keep on trying to get in touch with my ex-husband but he always somehow dodges my calls. He hasn't really kept in touch since we divorced so he won't be much help either.
I recommended taking her to a therapist so she can discuss her issues openly and freely but as soon as I suggested it she got unbelievably angry at me and started calling me every name in the book.
Ultimately I'm not sure whether I should just let her change the damn name so she can stop with this, or if I should be firm and put my foot down and simply not allow that kind of bratty behavior.

Thanks in advance for any advice
-Adrianna

if she's shaken up over a name, there's a deeper problem of self confidence, its not about the name, she's just using that to lash out over something else.

[Cheesehead92]

Originally Posted by alwaysyourstruly

I've read all 14 pages of this thread because unfortunately, it really hit home for me in a lot of ways, and wanted to try and help you before it is too late.

When I was 15 years old, I threatened suicide to my parents over a "seemingly" trivial issue because it was the final straw for me. However, I was struggling and just couldn't handle life anymore period. However, instead of my parents taking me seriously, they instead thought I was using it for attention because I had a great life so why would I even consider such a thing?

This should have been a moment that they reached out to me, apologized for missing the signs and/or not paying attention, but instead they brushed it off, and I hid my pain for the next 13 YEARS.

I have depression, anxiety, and OCD, and with no treatment, I was just trying to push through the best I could because I felt like no one would genuinely listen to me so why bother talking about it. I had panic attacks constantly, but instead of seeing them as such, the people in my life thought I was being a baby and throwing temper tantrums. So I hid. I did my best to be "normal" on the outside, but inside I was hurting. And I did "rebellious" things because I felt like I had no one to talk to without getting judged. My mom claimed that I could talk to her about anything, but she would just judge every single thing I tried to talk to her about.

For instance, if I wanted to talk to her about a name change, it would have went something like this:

Me: Mom, I really want to change my name to Spencer.
Mom: WHY would you ever want to do THAT? You never hated your name before...plus I named you after your grandmother, doesn't that mean anything to you?
Me: You don't understand me!! I don't know why I even tried to talk to you!!

At this point, my fear would overwhelm me...and I would start breathing heavy...and I'd run away before anyone could see me start to panic. After the panic attack, I would remind myself that this is why I don't talk to my mom ever, and that next time, I'll just say nothing and then wait until I turn 18 and change my name out of the blue. Then if my mom blew up, I could just ignore her.

Instead, I always craved that it would go something like this:

Me: Mom, I really want to change my name to Spencer.
Mom: (listens) tell me more
Me: (detailing reasons)
Mom: (listening)
Mom: I didn't know you felt that way. This is really hard for me because I named you after your grandmother and love your nickname...but I see why you feel the way you do. When you're 18, you can legally change your name to whatever you want as long as you pay the fees and go through the process.
Me: but I don't turn 18 until after I graduate...my diploma will have the wrong name...it'll be so much easier to do it now before I start a job and apply to college.
Mom: well, this is a lot to take in...I don't really think I can make a decision like this right away. Give me time to think about this. But thank you for talking to me about it. I know this was hard for you.

I just wanted her to listen. I wanted to be able to talk to her without fear of what she'd say. Without the fear, there's no reason to panic. No anxiety.

In the past year, I've been much more publicly open about my mental illnesses. That they are no one's fault, they are just how I was born and wired. Finally, I can actually talk to my mom about things now. With counseling, I was able to conquer my fear of talking to my mom despite her judgement (through exposure therapy, of all things - learning that her judgement was just discomfort and not danger). And she still judges from time to time...but now I have the skills to not let it bother me and cause me to panic. And now we can finally have a relationship where I tell her about things and my feelings.

I wish we had that so much sooner.

I fear that at this point, your daughter is so closed up that if you try to listen to her feelings, she won't bother telling them. Or she'll get suspicious and think you are looking for new ways to criticize her. I would first apologize to her about not taking her threat seriously, because suicide is a big deal and shouldn't be dismissed. And that you will try to listen to her without judgement. And let her know that you're going to see someone because you want to learn how to communicate better with her and others.

Because she threatened suicide, she will need to talk to a psychologist about it at the very least, even if it means you have to drag her there. Not because she did anything bad, but because suicide is not a threat that you want to risk taking lightly. I would not let that slide under any circumstances.

If the counselor tries to push the blame 100% on you or your daughter, fire them and get a new one. A good counselor will know and understand that there is no good guy or bad guy and that you both need advice and help communicating better with each other. Last year, my husband and I got into a really nasty argument, so we went to my counselor together at my next session and talked about it. She did not place the blame on either of us, but directed us on how we could communicate with each other the next time a similar situation happened. She helped us both in the process, and it really worked.

Best of luck to you and your daughter. It's not going to be easy, but I truly hope you can fix your relationship. This may be about a name change, but I suspect the name change is just the straw that broke the camel's back and that you and your daughter are both hurting, which is causing the communication breakdown.

I agree with everything AYT said. OP, you should stop comparing Ellie to your older daughter - when always compared negatively like that, it tends to ruin people's perceptions of themselves. Your daughter is probably upset about the loss of her grandmother, and about you guys' divorce, and indeed, YOUR refusal to listen to her.

You can and should MAKE her go to therapy; you discussed an appointment in a follow-up post and you should follow through with it; drag her along (literally) if she doesn't want to go.

I also see the name change as her sign of wanting to be a new person away from all the nonsense at home. She has three years before she can change to Spencer legally, and I would advise not holding her back from doing so, and she can change her usual name (the name she is called) now if she is reasonable with the therapist.

As for Ellie's boyfriend, get her birth control or something. You don't know what kids are doing at that age.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

[Hotbloodedwoman]

When she has her own children, she can choose their names or when she becomes 18, she can change her own name. As far as the knife, ask her if she wants you to sharpen the blade. She's just manipulating you. Don't give in. There is a reason for the name change and she needs to talk to you openly about it or at least someone. Therapy is a good idea.

[Mightyqueen801]

Originally Posted by Marc Paolella

This is what happens with divorces and kids. I wish people would be more careful about who they pick to make kids with. It's a tragedy. You now have a manipulative monster on your hands and there is really no way to fix it.

Not always what happens. My daughter didn't give me any crap at all as a teenager, yet I know plenty of kids in happy little Leave It To Beaver families who did.