Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
im usually pretty open minded but if my daughters boyfriend came over and he headed towards her bedroom and then you hear the bed pounding against the wall,,,thats disrespectful,,
The parents don't want her to move out. They want her to do what they say because they feel they should have complete control over her. She is old enough that if the parents want her to stay they need to figure out house rules that work for everyone. The OP expressed a desire to have to daughter stay at home.
Intimate activity and or sex isn't the issue. It is the fact that she is DISOBEYING that is the issue.
The parents want something that is undoubtably nonexistent. They can't both not want her to move out and yet exercise complete control over her. [Wanting things is nice. Doesn't mean you are going to get them] No 20 year old would want complete control of their life handled by their parents, and the parents do not need to sit down and negotiate rules with an adult child who is most likely doing nothing to support the household but yet consuming resources at the same time.
Want to make your own rules -- move out of mommy and daddy's house. This is not that difficult and did not require this many pages of debate
It's not just the act. It's where it's happening and in front of whom it's happening. I'm pretty sure all parents figure out that their innocent baby isn't that innocent at some point in their life. But when the parents rules state no hanky panky in my house RESPECT their wishes.
OP wants what's best for their young (and yes 20 is young) child and having boyfriend over to get some isn't on their to do list. Like stated before, if the girl doesn't like it she's free to go on her own and make her own decisions.
Last edited by Electrician4you; 03-04-2017 at 10:35 PM..
Intimate activity and or sex isn't the issue. It is the fact that she is DISOBEYING that is the issue.
The parents want something that is undoubtably nonexistent. They can't both not want her to move out and yet exercise complete control over her. [Wanting things is nice. Doesn't mean you are going to get them] No 20 year old would want complete control of their life handled by their parents, and the parents do not need to sit down and negotiate rules with an adult child who is most likely doing nothing to support the household but yet consuming resources at the same time.
Want to make your own rules -- move out of mommy and daddy's house. This is not that difficult and did not require this many pages of debate
Yes exactly--if you want to make your own rules support yourself. It's funny because as a young adult living at home through college (18-21) I totally thought this was unfair but now I totally get it. I also agree you can't have it both ways. It has to be about control when you don't want your children to move out yet want to continue with high school rules. Shouldn't parents want their children to be independent?
I feel weird when my husband and I visit my parents' house and he puts his arm around me or hugs me or whatever, I still feel like a child disobeying her parents...and I'm almost 30 maybe that's due to it being very infrequent since we live in a different state.
Yes exactly--if you want to make your own rules support yourself. It's funny because as a young adult living at home through college (18-21) I totally thought this was unfair but now I totally get it. I also agree you can't have it both ways. It has to be about control when you don't want your children to move out yet want to continue with high school rules. Shouldn't parents want their children to be independent?
I feel weird when my husband and I visit my parents' house and he puts his arm around me or hugs me or whatever, I still feel like a child disobeying her parents...and I'm almost 30 maybe that's due to it being very infrequent since we live in a different state.
Funny how reasonable mom and dad's house rules suddenly appear after kids figure out just how expensive it is to live on your own
i think the solution would be for the adults to rent a hotel room whenever they want some privacy.
edit:
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist
A 20 year old girl has a boyfriend with whom she wants to be intimate - normal! She is living at home while going to school (and working, too), with the goal I assume of getting a degree or qualification so that she will earn a decent living and be able to support herself - GREAT! You are uncomfortable with her being intimate with the boyfriend in your house (understandable), so she goes to the boyfriend's house to be intimate - excellent solution to the problem.
I suggest you keep in mind the big picture. She is progressing through school toward a laudable goal. She also works. She sounds like a good kid. She came up with a perfectly fine solution to her need for intimacy while living at home. If she were living at college, you wouldn't need to see any of this, but it's expensive to live at college.
So when she goes over to the boyfriend's house, pretend she's living at college. Be warm and open to her and the welcoming to the boyfriend. Being rude to him will only drive a wedge between you and your daughter. And please, make sure she is on a reliable contraceptive method - pill, shot, implant, IUD, plus condoms.
this is confusing; if the boyfriend got his own place then why are they choosing to go out of their way to be intimate in front of the family ?
Last edited by stanley-88888888; 03-05-2017 at 08:00 AM..
My just turned 20 year old daughter is living at home while going to college and working part time and for the most part pretty responsible. A little history: She has been seeing a 22 year old guy she works with for about five months now, but my husband and I only met him two months ago. For three months they were only "casually " dating so she didn't see the need in bringing him home to meet us right away, but since then have become much more serious. During this three months she found out he actually had a long term girlfriend and he'd been lying to her about being single. Long story short he left his girlfriend and convinced my daughter into continuing the relationship with him, and she did after stewing on it for a week (I wasn't happy about that). We decided that the best we could do for my daughters safety was to try and get to know him and not be judgmental (this might push her away). So we invited this young man into our home and tried to make the best of it. He seems like a decent guy, besides the fact that he was dishonest to my daughter. He seems to really like her and she him. So now that he has been coming over a lot in my opinion hes getting a little comfortable way too fast for my liking. We said "no" to the two of them hanging out and watching tv in her room (big argument with daughter about). I know what a bad habit that can lead to. He comes over they make a bee line to the bedroom and he's practically living here, no way! So my husband and I agreed to let them watch the downstairs tv in the family room and we'd stay out of their hair. A couple of days ago he came over (seems to come over daily lately which is another issue) and I went up stairs to do laundry and when I came down (family room and kitchen are joined) they were laid out on the couch (like laying on a bed) with covers over them napping. I don't mind them cuddling or reclining, but full blown laying down with covers?! I felt this was inappropriate since I have an 11 year old at home, and I've only know this guy for two months! I might feel differently if they had been dating for quite some time and I felt like Id bonded with him and he was family. I brought it up to my daughter and she got very dramatic and said I was being absolutely ridiculous and her other friends get to hang out in their rooms with their boyfriends. What she does outside of our house is out of our control, but this is our home! She doesn't contribute a dime! So now she hasn't been coming home but sleeping over at his place. The last thing I wanted was to have her shacking up with this guy! Was I being too conservative? I'm worried about her. She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out. She throwing away her future! Makes me sick! What happened to the little girl I was once so close to?! Any advice helpful.
Well she's 20 and you got in the way of her relationship.
You got what you wanted too. You didn't want her doing that under your roof so she's doing it somewhere else.
You can't have your cake and eat it too. You also can't control a 20 year old, you'd have better luck wrestling a PMSing alligator on PCP.
She's only throwin away her future because you're making her feel she has to rush to get her own place so you just stop already.
I would have stayed home and finished school had I not been a 21 year old who had to lie about where I was spending the night.
I was trying to get my life to where I wanted it to be and I was stopped constantly.
It's her life now. Let her do what makes her happy.
Maybe she would feel like she could stay in school and not have to pick up another job if you would just let her be 20.
No one wants to live past the age of 18 by a child's rules.
I would suggest getting the know the guy and stop driving such a wedge between yourself and your kid.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
maybe that's due to it being very infrequent since we live in a different state.
