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If they are fully fledged adults, their future is their responsibility. Mature adults don't blame their parents for "ruining their future" by not letting them have sex parties in the house when they are in college.
Kids who truly want to be successful won't let being locked out of the parental household "ruin their future". At age 20-21 your responsibility for their future is a horse that has long since bolted from the stable.
As far as I am concerned, if adult kids want to profess their adulthood and ability to do anything once they are of legal age without any consequences, they will get the whole package. They must move out, pay their rent, pay their water bill, pay the gas bill, pay the food bill, pay car insurance, pay all of their taxes, pay their car payment, pay for any medical bills, and so on and so forth. Yes, being an adult is more than just partying, drinking, and having sex, doesn't living at home sound much better?
I think people are getting hung up on the sex part. The real problem here is that the daughter wants to do whatever she so desires while in her parent's house. The activity that she is engaging in matters not, it is that she is disrespectful to her parent's wishes.
As for treating adult children like adults while they live at home, at the end of the day, person who holds the keys and deed to the house calls 100% of the shots and can set down any prohibitions and/or rules, no matter how seemingly ridiculous or nonsensical, that they so desire, and the adult kids have no say or rights in any of it. The fact that the daughter engages in activities elsewhere does not permit her to do the same in her parent's house. That is some really silly logic.
My wife's and my general rule is that my adult children and other relatives are not welcome to live with us for more than a very short while. When we make an exception, we have no particular rules about whether they can have sex with their girlfriend or boyfriend. If they were picking up strangers, I guess it would be different.
Your daughter is an adult. She has a sex life. This is normal. Sex is part of pair-bonding in human beings.
It.
Is.
Normal.
Part of acting like an adult includes not copping an IT'S MY HOME, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! attitude wherein your proclaim yourself Il Duce of your house. Yes, it is your house. Yes, you can do what you want. But there's a huge divide between what one can do and what one should do.
I've been married for almost 22 years, and I have lost track of the times I've realized that my in-laws are excellent, well-adjusted people who never thrust their own insecurities on their children and, by extension, the mates of their children. They have always treated us as equals. And we all respect them tremendously for that (seriously, I have rock-star in-laws). I cannot imagine them being so petty and self-absorbed as to demand that we pretend we're all not really adults so that they can perpetuate their image of their children as minors, as non-sexual beings, as conspirators in some grand parental reality-denial scheme.
I realize most are not as fortunate as I.
Such pretty words. One can almost overlook the faulty comparison fallacy.
The OP and her daughter are not equals - especially since the daughter is not contributing to the home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whereitwent
Thank you!!!
I think people are getting hung up on the sex part. The real problem here is that the daughter wants to do whatever she so desires while in her parent's house. The activity that she is engaging in matters not, it is that she is disrespectful to her parent's wishes.
As for treating adult children like adults while they live at home, at the end of the day, person who holds the keys and deed to the house calls 100% of the shots and can set down any prohibitions and/or rules, no matter how seemingly ridiculous or nonsensical, that they so desire, and the adult kids have no say or rights in any of it. The fact that the daughter engages in activities elsewhere does not permit her to do the same in her parent's house. That is some really silly logic.
You have been spot-on throughout this entire thread.
Sex, sex parties...Splitting hairs is a really poor form of argument and shows lack of a good rebuttal.
If you want your adult children to live in and run your household with no restrictions well into their thirties, it's fine by me. I would never subscribe to that drivel, not for a nanosecond...
BIG difference....now who is being lazy in their arguments? Sex is between two people...sex parties brings to mind numerous couples or even orgies so let's try to stick to the facts as we know them and not escalate.
My just turned 20 year old daughter is living at home while going to college and working part time and for the most part pretty responsible. A little history: She has been seeing a 22 year old guy she works with for about five months now, but my husband and I only met him two months ago. For three months they were only "casually " dating so she didn't see the need in bringing him home to meet us right away, but since then have become much more serious. During this three months she found out he actually had a long term girlfriend and he'd been lying to her about being single. Long story short he left his girlfriend and convinced my daughter into continuing the relationship with him, and she did after stewing on it for a week (I wasn't happy about that). We decided that the best we could do for my daughters safety was to try and get to know him and not be judgmental (this might push her away). So we invited this young man into our home and tried to make the best of it. He seems like a decent guy, besides the fact that he was dishonest to my daughter. He seems to really like her and she him. So now that he has been coming over a lot in my opinion hes getting a little comfortable way too fast for my liking. We said "no" to the two of them hanging out and watching tv in her room (big argument with daughter about). I know what a bad habit that can lead to. He comes over they make a bee line to the bedroom and he's practically living here, no way! So my husband and I agreed to let them watch the downstairs tv in the family room and we'd stay out of their hair. A couple of days ago he came over (seems to come over daily lately which is another issue) and I went up stairs to do laundry and when I came down (family room and kitchen are joined) they were laid out on the couch (like laying on a bed) with covers over them napping. I don't mind them cuddling or reclining, but full blown laying down with covers?! I felt this was inappropriate since I have an 11 year old at home, and I've only know this guy for two months! I might feel differently if they had been dating for quite some time and I felt like Id bonded with him and he was family. I brought it up to my daughter and she got very dramatic and said I was being absolutely ridiculous and her other friends get to hang out in their rooms with their boyfriends. What she does outside of our house is out of our control, but this is our home! She doesn't contribute a dime! So now she hasn't been coming home but sleeping over at his place. The last thing I wanted was to have her shacking up with this guy! Was I being too conservative? I'm worried about her. She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out. She throwing away her future! Makes me sick! What happened to the little girl I was once so close to?! Any advice helpful.
Simple. My house my rules. When she was 12-18 she wasn't allowed to have boys over or cuddle under blankets right? So she still lives there so those same rules apply. No boys after x time and you're sure as hell not playing patty cake under blankets in my house. Yes you're 20 and a "adult" but YOUR job is to go to school and get a degree not *********r brains out under my roof.
Don't like the rules? Feel free to get your own place and then you can do as you please. Until then my house my rules.
This doesn't sound like a case of a mom trying to be a friend. This mom, based on her own wording, clearly still sees her daughter as a child and is still trying to parent her that way.
Respect has to be taught throughout the entire lifetime of a child. All she has to do now is sit her down and explain their new reality, with the new demands that come with it, but Mom has to accept the new reality herself first.
this is as much about the parents as it is the grown adult,,
parents still look at her as if she is 16..
most parents struggle with this,,
its also about power and control..
parents can be dead right,,,,they can be very very strict,,,,,but kids dont forget and will treat you the same,,,so be careful,,
she can easily move 3 states away within 5 years and you only see her 3 times a year,,,,
im on both sides of this because i dont have a daughter i have a son and i would be a very protective dad... if i had a daughter
and this bedroom stuff i dont think id tolerate,,,knowing my own history with a sweet catholic girl... in high school.....the parents cautiously trusted us,,,which was a mistake
to me it depends on the grown adult,, how i would treat this,,,
but i also agree with the other posters.... this wont last,,,,
@mainbrokerman-You know, we can all disagree on whether the young woman should be allowed to a) lie on the couch under a blanket with her bf; b) entertain her bf in her room with the door closed; c) have sex with her bf in her parents' house. What I don't get is the people (basically pro a), b) and c) ) who predict such gloom and doom if the parents don't say any/all of the above is OK. "She's going to move three states away, never call you or visit again", etc.
As for "this won't last", well, no. She's just turned 20! Would you have different "rules" for a 25 year old? Probably. Hopefully, by 25 the DD won't be living permanently with Mom and Dad.
The OP has not come back, not that I blame her. First someone commented that she shouldn't be allowed to start a thread (or something like that) until she's been a member for a certain length of time, etc. (Post appears to have been deleted). Then, people analyzed to death her comment "What happened to the little girl I was once so close to?!" as if the OP wanted to treat the daughter as if she (DD) were five or something! It was just an expression of frustration, IMO. Has no parent on this board ever felt that way, that the problems of younger kids are so much easier to deal with than the problems of young adults?
ETA: As I was posting this, I see that several other people think the OP was all a hoax. While I couldn't say yes or no, I stand by what I said above about how she was treated.
Last edited by Katarina Witt; 03-04-2017 at 10:47 AM..
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so let's try to stick to the facts as we know them and not escalate.
