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This shouldn't be about who has it harder - Stay at Home or Working Parents. All parents have challenges for different reasons. I know that we probably all look at parents in different circumstances and think the grass is greener (I know I do at times)...
But in making it a "who has it harder" competition between Mothers, we are only making ourselves more miserable and resentful.
I will add that another contributing factor is that for far too many women, it was a choice of either/or: career/autonomy OR SAHM/parental control - so no "choice" really. Instead, due to a variety of reasons and circumstances, many felt forced to choose one or the other, and that adds to the anger and resentment.
In addition, there is a sense of general disdain, contempt, and devaluation by modern Western society for the role of a SAHM. You can find that displayed throughout City Data and society today- in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways, with the subsequent consequences to our society.
Example number 2 of why I shouldn't have posted in this thread. I knew it was going to devolve into ridiculousness.
How much scraping is too much scraping? REALLY? Okay then. Oh the fun of internet forums where legitimate common sense goes out the window in order to prove some ridiculous, fallacious point.
ETA: Waiting for the "I feel so bad for your husband and children" and "Perhaps YOU are the problem" remarks in 3, 2, 1...
I am sorry you feel that way. I think what your children and husband are doing is unfair. You should not have to be the only person who is responsible for remembering everything, for getting everything done, and for also doing the lions share of the chores. It is unreasonable on their part.
I also think you have drawn a line in the sand, so to speak, with your "all intelligent people do the dishes they way I want them done" that makes it easy for them to pretend you don't have valid points.
I also think you are doing a service to everyone in the thread by sharing this story because it is much more common than people like to pretend. And more complicated. I am sorry that you feel you are being attacked, it was not my intent.
When we bought our Thermador DW we got a lecture on how much scraping is recommended for the unit to work properly. So it IS a thing.
Just for poops and giggles I googled. Most recommendations are ::shocking:: to scrape/rinse excess food from dishes before placing in the dishwasher.
IOW, common sense.
ETA: My snark is coming from the fact that some are blaming me for expecting another grown adult to understand how to do simple things. Like I said, it shouldn't be that much an issue to do something so simple. At least I don't think so.
I am sorry you feel that way. I think what your children and husband are doing is unfair. You should not have to be the only person who is responsible for remembering everything, for getting everything done, and for also doing the lions share of the chores. It is unreasonable on their part.
I also think you have drawn a line in the sand, so to speak, with your "all intelligent people do the dishes they way I want them done" that makes it easy for them to pretend you don't have valid points.
I also think you are doing a service to everyone in the thread by sharing this story because it is much more common than people like to pretend. And more complicated. I am sorry that you feel you are being attacked, it was not my intent.
Thank you for your kind words. I admit I'm more than a bit sensitive about a lot of the issues being raised here because I have, for years, spoken about, beseeched, etc. to my family about how their inaction affects me. I have tried to explain why it is important not just for me but for the good of our children growing into adults to learn how to do these things for themselves. I've tried to explain to my husband the stress I am under trying to balance motherhood, wifehood, my own career and goals, my role in the community etc. What I get is pacification. Things will change for 1-2 days and then I'm back to nagging and feeling resentful.
I know how I must sound on this thread. Its actually making me see how very upset I am about things in our house right now.
I think many of them do complain a lot and that it has to do with the lack of adult interaction and the drudgery of all the same old dirty, boring tasks day after day, month after month, year after after year. That's completely understandable. Being a parent is an extremely difficult job and often has little reward. My sister is an SAHM with two boys. She used to seem really bored and unhappy without a paying job, but now that the youngest just started pre-K, she took on a part time job.
It's only about 15 hours a week, but the difference in her attitude is remarkable. She seems much happier and more fulfilled. She talks about how much fun she has caring for her elderly client two days a week. I think that may be the solution for many bored SAHMs: a part time job. That way, they aren't overwhelmed with the constant demands of children, household, and a full time job, but they have the challenge and income from a side gig.
To be honest most complain I saw from my friends who are moms are on social media. I don't hear them complain in real life or maybe they don't complain with me because I don't have kids yet. But I do know few girls who are always complaining about being exhausted on facebook or instagram. Its like they need to post something interesting & couldn't find anything so decided to "brag" about their kids/life via complaining. As someone else said complaining is acceptable while bragging is not.
On another hand I recently realize how there are different types of SAHM & those SAHMs don't see eye to eye. My SIL (SAHM with 4 kids) recently wondered what our cousin (SAHM with 3 kids) does all day? The
My SIL is a traditional SAHM who mainly manages the home: cooks, cleaning (as much as possible with toddler) and simple outside task like corner store shopping or routine doc apt. Her husband covers all outside task: grocery, bills, non-routine appointments..etc. The school bus takes the kids or they pay neighbor to give ride. Free breakfast and lunch at school, no afterschool activity for kids unless its walking distance. So she often finds herself bored and wonders how other SAHM fill their day.
The 2nd cousin has very different lifestyle, suburban life + good income = always on the run. Due to higher income, her kids don't get school breakfast/lunch. She packs their food, drops them off to school, picks them up, takes each kids to different sport activities, manages all doctor appointment (routine and serious one off), most of the shopping for the house. She doesn't have lot of time for cooking/cleaning. Both SAHM but with very different time
To be honest most complain I saw from my friends who are moms are on social media. I don't hear them complain in real life or maybe they don't complain with me because I don't have kids yet. But I do know few girls who are always complaining about being exhausted on facebook or instagram. Its like they need to post something interesting & couldn't find anything so decided to "brag" about their kids/life via complaining. As someone else said complaining is acceptable while bragging is not.
On another hand I recently realize how there are different types of SAHM & those SAHMs don't see eye to eye. My SIL (SAHM with 4 kids) recently wondered what our cousin (SAHM with 3 kids) does all day? The
My SIL is a traditional SAHM who mainly manages the home: cooks, cleaning (as much as possible with toddler) and simple outside task like corner store shopping or routine doc apt. Her husband covers all outside task: grocery, bills, non-routine appointments..etc. The school bus takes the kids or they pay neighbor to give ride. Free breakfast and lunch at school, no afterschool activity for kids unless its walking distance. So she often finds herself bored and wonders how other SAHM fill their day.
The 2nd cousin has very different lifestyle, suburban life + good income = always on the run. Due to higher income, her kids don't get school breakfast/lunch. She packs their food, drops them off to school, picks them up, takes each kids to different sport activities, manages all doctor appointment (routine and serious one off), most of the shopping for the house. She doesn't have lot of time for cooking/cleaning. Both SAHM but with very different time
And SAHM #3: All of 2nd cousin + cooking + cleaning, due to spouse's work hours and family's personal situation. For some SAHM, their family's income is reduced to one now, and as such, they need to make personal adjustments in order to meet short-term and long-term family goals.
Yes, there absolutely exists different SAHMs who cover the spectrum between bonbon-eating, spa pampered, hired help, tennis lessons, luncheon and shopping with the ladies all day SAHM to those SAHMs who do everything required to maintain a household and provide optimal scholastic, extracurricular, and character development for their kids. And SAHMs in between those poles.
And SAHM #3: All of 2nd cousin + cooking + cleaning, due to spouse's work hours and family's personal situation. For some SAHM, their family's income is reduced to one now, and as such, they need to make personal adjustments in order to meet short-term and long-term family goals.
Yes, there absolutely exists different SAHMs who cover the spectrum between bonbon-eating, spa pampered, hired help, tennis lessons, luncheon and shopping with the ladies all day SAHM to those SAHMs who do everything required to maintain a household and provide optimal scholastic, extracurricular, and character development for their kids. And SAHMs in between those poles.
And I'd argue even the bonbon-eating, spa pampered, hired help, tennis lessons, luncheon and shopping with the ladies all day SAHMs have their own set of stressers to deal with that many of us don't. Wives of CEOs and politicians come to mind. I would not want that life.
I have, for years, spoken about, beseeched, etc. to my family about how their inaction affects me. I have tried to explain why it is important not just for me but for the good of our children growing into adults to learn how to do these things for themselves.
I know how I must sound on this thread. Its actually making me see how very upset I am about things in our house right now.
Well I'll tell you right now, I understand completely how you feel!
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