Why do stay-at-home moms complain so much? (allowance, college, mother)
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And I'd argue even the bonbon-eating, spa pampered, hired help, tennis lessons, luncheon and shopping with the ladies all day SAHMs have their own set of stressers to deal with that many of us don't. Wives of CEOs and politicians come to mind. I would not want that life.
Of course. In many cases, I would not want to be one, either. That delves into complex personal dynamics I was not addressing.
I was mainly addressing the stresses stemming from the degree of household- related workloads as specified in the post I quoted. One does not need to be married to a high-powered CEO or executive to have a SAHM life at either end of the spectrum. Plenty of low-level and working spouses face long work hours, and the SAHM finds herself shouldering most of the daily household burden. And I'm sure there exists some SAHM's living closer to the pampered life described, due to how they choose to spend their finances and time.
Generalities about SAHMs are so unhelpful, because unlike generalities one can draw from common human behavioral traits, the SAHMs situation is tied not only to her personal behavioral traits, but the dynamics of the marriage, the financial situation, support network, specific child's needs, and even physical living location.
Those all play a role in contributing to a specific SAHM's happiness or unhappiness, and why they "complain".
But overall I'd say the number one reason they're complaining is that they're bored. This is very much related to your first reason. Taking care of little ones requires constant attention, but very little higher level brain activity. So there's plenty of room for boredom and little time to seek out ways to relieve that boredom. Then the dad arrives home tired and worn out from the job and the drive, expecting to do nothing more than eat and crash on the couch.
I think this nails it. It's also why a husband can work his you-know-what off M-F OUTSIDE the house for 40+ hours a week, so he can pay all the bills and household expenses and such, only to come home in the evening after work or on the weekend and naturally want to unwind only to have his wife complain about it.
Hubby wants to unwind/relax a little after work or on the weekend by sitting on the couch watching the game, playing a video game for an hour or so, etc. and SAHM straight up gets ANGRY about it; she complains that hubby "isn't doing enough to help out" even though he changes his fair share of diapers and such too when he's at home in ADDITION to working OUTSIDE the home.
Or, she tries to compare what she had to deal with all day to what he had to deal with all day, as if to say "Me staying at home taking care of the kid(s) all day was HARDER and more draining than what you did at work all day (basically, I'd rather be at work than stay at home doing this all day every day, but I'd never ADMIT it)." And when SAHM says or implies that, it pisses working dad off (ESPECIALLY when he is the one paying all the bills and expenses), because it implies that he doesn't do crap at work all day and all week long and doesn't have to deal with any level of stress when he leaves home to go to work, as if getting up and going to work all day every day is playtime for dad, or a fun field trip or something.
It's basically a degree of jealously and resentment that after hubby's work is done, he has the nerve to naturally want to spend time with his hobbies, relax/unwind, etc., but SAHM didn't have anybody at home with her to give her a chance to relax and unwind.
Last edited by NoClueWho; 01-25-2018 at 11:30 AM..
The parents or family should together decide what needs to be done. That means each person choosing one or two things that really matter to them and letting the rest go a bit. Meanwhile the rest of the family should honor those particular things. Because it is also wildly unfair to arbitrarily decide that your way is the "right way" to do something. For example the dishes, we all agree dishes need to get done. But whether they are washed before going in the washer, left to sit all day, done at night or in the morning, with running water or a sink full of water, ultimately those things don't really matter, even if the dishes have "spots" on them ::gasp:: it will be ok. It is entirely likely that Margritte's family also feels it is unfair that when they have done the dishes, there efforts are dismissed as "wrong" because they didn't scrape the dishes her way first.
All of that leads to conflict. It is less about communication and more about expectations.
Exactly! There is nothing more frustrating than going out of your way to help, only to be yelled at for not doing it right or for not doing it well enough.
Whether fair or not, if one person has higher standards than others on doing a task, or considers that task to be a higher priority, that task is going to primarily fall to that person. But that person needs to realize that if somebody does help out, that help needs to be appreciated, and even if it's not to your standards, the amount of work remaining to get it to your standards is less than if nobody had helped at all.
Also, one cannot expect others to be mind readers. If you consider having the dishes washed immediately after dinner to be a priority, others in the family might feel that there are other things that are more important. Instead of saying that others in the family "shouldn't need to be told", maybe just tell your spouse and/or kids if you need help in a particular area.
Okay. Lots of folks here venting and projecting. I believe OP was asking about additional possible reasons why some SAHMs would "complain," after listing some possible reasons himself.
Wasn't asking about why working moms would complain.
Wasn't asking why working dads would complain.
Wasn't asking why single women/men would complain.
Was specifically asking for input about why SAHMs would complain.
...via a quite provocative title. But I'll give him the benefit of a doubt,t and tried to provide additional insights in order for him to better understand (which was what he was seeking). It's always good to try to better understand the complexities of a situation, versus drawing possibly erroneous, blanket conclusions.
I think this nails it. It's also why a husband can work his you-know-what off M-F OUTSIDE the house for 40+ hours a week, so he can pay all the bills and household expenses and such, only to come home in the evening after work or on the weekend and naturally want to unwind only to have his wife complain about it.
Hubby wants to unwind/relax a little after work or on the weekend by sitting on the couch watching the game, playing a video game for an hour or so, etc. and SAHM straight up gets ANGRY about it; she complains that hubby "isn't doing enough to help out" even though he changes his fair shares of diapers and such too when he's at home in ADDITION to working OUTSIDE the home.
Or, she tries to compare what she had to deal with all day to what he had to deal with all day, as if to say "Me staying at home taking care of the kid(s) all day was HARDER and more draining than what you did at work all day (basically, I'd rather be at work than stay at home doing this all day every day)." And when SAHM says or implies that, it pisses working dad off (ESPECIALLY when he is the one paying all the bills and expenses), because it implies that he doesn't do crap at work all day and all week long and doesn't have to deal with any level of stress when it leaves home to go to work, as if getting up and going to work all day every day is playtime for dad, or a fun field trip or something.
It's basically a degree of jealously and resentment that after hubby's work is done, he has the nerve to naturally want to spend time with his hobbies, relax/unwind, etc., but SAHM didn't have anybody at home with her to give her a chance to relax and unwind.
Sorry, but I think the hourly wage working women have it harder. Some of them may not even qualify for maternity leave if their company isn't large enough and they are often treated as more disposable, so more likely to lose their jobs if they become pregnant or leave work to care for a child. Also, with less money they have less resources for back up childcare. So although you view your wife's career as more important and difficult than the "hourly wage" workers, I'd still say there are disadvantages and hardships to being an hourly wage worker.
People with executive level positions have different challenges than people with low paid, hourly, no benefit jobs. I would say that the people at the 2 extremes have it the hardest, and jobs somewhere in the middle, where you have a living wage and benefits, but are not expected to travel or cancel your plans at a moment's notice, would have the best overall quality of life.
Thank you for your kind words. I admit I'm more than a bit sensitive about a lot of the issues being raised here because I have, for years, spoken about, beseeched, etc. to my family about how their inaction affects me. I have tried to explain why it is important not just for me but for the good of our children growing into adults to learn how to do these things for themselves. I've tried to explain to my husband the stress I am under trying to balance motherhood, wifehood, my own career and goals, my role in the community etc. What I get is pacification. Things will change for 1-2 days and then I'm back to nagging and feeling resentful.
I know how I must sound on this thread. Its actually making me see how very upset I am about things in our house right now.
Thank you again lkb.
When my kids were all still home, and the older two were finishing up high school I felt much the same way. One of the things that drives me nuts it in our upstairs shower that the kids all share. Its an old house, with slow pipes, and I wanted them to care as much about the gunky, hairy shower as I did. I set up schedules, I made it super easy with microfiber clothes, I yelled when it didn't get done, I talked to them about how every time the plumber came to snake the drain it cost money, and a dozen other things. Eventually, nothing made it matter enough to them to take charge of it. Finally, I realized I just had to let it go as it was making me crazy. I went to my brothers house one time, and saw he had a drain cover, and a spotless hair and gunk free shower. So it got through eventually even if I didn't benefit from it.
But I had to figure out which things I could let go, like the kids shower, and which things were absolutely necessary for me. One of mine is a dishwasher one too. I want it emptied in the morning. The kids never got it, but I told my hubs that I need this. Not because my way is the right way, or anything like that but just because I needed him to do this for me. Because we sat down and agreed we each had a couple of things that we just irrationally needed to happen for us to stay sane, we do them now (his is an annoying complicated system for which things we buy on credit cards) and because it is just a couple, and we have agreed it is no longer about who is right or who is crazy it makes it easier.
Ironically the longer term issue for us isn't really chores, it is that I still have to remember to tell him stuff. For example he offered to do the shopping, but I was still responsible for the lists, and checking the pantry and so on. I wanted him to just take the entire thing, even the remembering to go, off my plate. That has been a harder one to get from him.
SAHM or working mom-both need to vent sometimes. I hated being a SAHM. I felt like a doormat, got sick of people asking me to do this or that because I didn't work, hated mom groups with a passion, not making my own money, etc.
Some SAHM's really are superwoman they cook (Real food not frozen), keep the house clean, take the kids here and there but a lot arent so good.
I make an awful SAHM. I'm much better juggling work and home IMO.
Exactly. At least you are honest about what you hated about being a SAHM. Not many SAHMs are, and they take it out on their husbands instead. And they say MEN have too much pride...SHEESH!!!
Exactly! There is nothing more frustrating than going out of your way to help, only to be yelled at for not doing it right or for not doing it well enough.
Maybe there is nothing more frustrating for you but part of the equation is that you recognize that it is just as frustrating to the person whose responsibility all of this becomes.
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Whether fair or not, if one person has higher standards than others on doing a task, or considers that task to be a higher priority, that task is going to primarily fall to that person. But that person needs to realize that if somebody does help out, that help needs to be appreciated, and even if it's not to your standards, the amount of work remaining to get it to your standards is less than if nobody had helped at all.
You mistook my words. Both parties need to self examine and realize those with the stricter standards need to truly prioritize what they need, and the other one for those limited few items, agrees to meet that standard their partner needs. Then the both agree the other stuff will be done, and that will be good enough.
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Also, one cannot expect others to be mind readers. If you consider having the dishes washed immediately after dinner to be a priority, others in the family might feel that there are other things that are more important. Instead of saying that others in the family "shouldn't need to be told", maybe just tell your spouse and/or kids if you need help in a particular area.
Nope, disagree with this one. Because what happens is that one partner, usually the woman, ends up still being responsible. Partners, includes being a partner for remembering. It is the exact same belittling behavior to say "we aren't mind readers" when it comes to whether or not dishes should be washed as it is to say "every intelligent person washes dishes this way".
There are two extremes, ones who expect everything done their way, and others who won't do anything. Most partners fall somewhere in between. There is no single spot that is "correct" everyone should just evaluate honestly what they truly need, what they can let slide, and what they can do to meet the true needs of their partners.
SAHM's often get stuck with a lot of boring, repetitive drudge work which is unfulfilling. While spending more time with the children can be fun and fulfilling, it can also be exhausting and demanding. Children in the home 24 hrs/day make a lot of messes and require a lot of constant attention! There may be a tendency for these marriages to be more traditional, where the husband never relieves her by taking on some of the childcare in the evening or on weekends. There may not be money for or a belief in using babysitters so she can get away at times.
But this is the part that makes me scratch my head and throw my hands up in confusion. SAMHs who STILL gripe and nag about being SAHMs, even when they have husbands who work outside of the house all day and all week long, and STILL come home and relieve them from/help them with childcare and household choirs.
For example, daddy got up at 5am to be at work at 7am, got off at 5pm, and it's dark again by the time he finally gets home at 6pm, yet he gets out of his work clothes, jumps in the shower, scarfs down some dinner and then dives right into feeding the kids, changing diapers, bathing the baby, etc. so that mommy can finally get a break...yet mommy STILL complains when daddy wants to watch the second half of the Monday Night football game at 9pm, or when Saturday rolls around and daddy wants go catch a movie for a couple of hours that he's been dying to see but hasn't had a chance to due to working all week AND helping SAHM around the house and with the kids when he's not at work. What gives with that?!?
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Originally Posted by Harpaint
The happiest SAHMs I've known were rather affluent. They had housekeepers, babysitters as desired, tutors and music teachers for the children, gardeners, etc. In other words they didn't actually stay at home all the time, but rather simply didn't work. They spent a lot of time shopping!
Well, sorry, but that's not really being a SAHM. That's why affluent ones are so darn happy. They don't have to work OR do much, if any, childcare. It's okay, though. Their kids also tend to have major issues and usually resent them when they grow up.
Last edited by NoClueWho; 01-25-2018 at 01:01 PM..
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