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Perhaps it's because being a SAHM is a job? A difficult job without a cent of pay?
Not a cent of pay? How do they afford to feed and house themselves and their children? I think you mean they get no discretionary income except perhaps as an allowance. That is pretty crappy, I admit.
I know working single mother's who have all the challenges of working, taking care of their children, and the cost, hassle, and all the mixed feelings and guilt of giving your child to strangers in a daycare. And they still have no discretionary income. That is even crappier.
You mistook my words. Both parties need to self examine and realize those with the stricter standards need to truly prioritize what they need, and the other one for those limited few items, agrees to meet that standard their partner needs. Then the both agree the other stuff will be done, and that will be good enough.
If that is what works best for you and your family, then that is good.
But why not have the person with the stricter standards for a particular task be the person primarily responsible for that task? You said several times that it was important for your husband to empty the dishwasher first thing in the morning. But if that was so important to you, why weren't you the one to empty the dishwasher? Just curious, not saying either of you were wrong?
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Nope, disagree with this one. Because what happens is that one partner, usually the woman, ends up still being responsible.
I went out of my way to avoid mentioning genders in my posts, but you had to come back with an unnecessary male-bashing comment.
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Partners, includes being a partner for remembering. It is the exact same belittling behavior to say "we aren't mind readers" when it comes to whether or not dishes should be washed as it is to say "every intelligent person washes dishes this way".
We'll have to agree to disagree on that one.
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There are two extremes, ones who expect everything done their way, and others who won't do anything. Most partners fall somewhere in between. There is no single spot that is "correct" everyone should just evaluate honestly what they truly need, what they can let slide, and what they can do to meet the true needs of their partners.
But this is the part that makes me scratch my head and throw my hands up in confusion. SAMHs who STILL gripe and nag about being SAHMs, even when they have husbands who work outside of the house all day and all week long, and STILL come home and relieve them from/help them with childcare and household choirs.
For example, daddy got up at 5am to be at work at 7am, got off at 5pm, and it's dark again by the time he finally gets home at 6pm, yet he gets out of his work clothes, jumps in the shower, scarfs down some dinner and then dives right into feeding the kids, changing diapers, bathing the baby, etc. so that mommy can finally get a break...yet mommy STILL complains when daddy wants to watch the second half of the Monday Night football game at 9pm, or when Saturday rolls around and daddy wants go catch a movie for a couple of hours that he's been dying to see but hasn't had a chance to due to working all week AND helping SAHM around the house and with the kids when he's not at work. What gives with that?!?
Nope, disagree with this one. Because what happens is that one partner, usually the woman, ends up still being responsible. Partners, includes being a partner for remembering. It is the exact same belittling behavior to say "we aren't mind readers" when it comes to whether or not dishes should be washed as it is to say "every intelligent person washes dishes this way".
There are two extremes, ones who expect everything done their way, and others who won't do anything. Most partners fall somewhere in between. There is no single spot that is "correct" everyone should just evaluate honestly what they truly need, what they can let slide, and what they can do to meet the true needs of their partners.
Good insight, especially the bolded.
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Originally Posted by Mentallect
But this is the part that makes me scratch my head and throw my hands up in confusion. SAMHs who STILL gripe and nag about being SAHMs, even when they have husbands who work outside of the house all day and all week long, and STILL come home and relieve them from/help them with childcare and household choirs.
For example, daddy got up at 5am to be at work at 7am, got off at 5pm, and it's dark again by the time he finally gets home at 6pm, yet he gets out of his work clothes, jumps in the shower, scarfs down some dinner and then dives right into feeding the kids, changing diapers, bathing the baby, etc. so that mommy can finally get a break...yet mommy STILL complains when daddy wants to watch the second half of the Monday Night football game at 9pm, or when Saturday rolls around and daddy wants go catch a movie for a couple of hours that he's been dying to see but hasn't had a chance to due to working all week AND helping SAHM around the house and with the kids when he's not at work. What gives with that?!?
This is borderline caricature. You really know multiple SAHM's like this?
Not a cent of pay? How do they afford to feed and house themselves and their children? I think you mean they get no discretionary income except perhaps as an allowance. That is pretty crappy, I admit.
I know working single mother's who have all the challenges of working, taking care of their children, and the cost, hassle, and all the mixed feelings and guilt of giving your child to strangers in a daycare. And they still have no discretionary income. That is even crappier.
Well, not to be harsh, but just objectively asking---why doesn't SAHM just go to work then, so she can have her own income? Especially those with degrees who could earn high salaries themselves and probably even double, or in some cases, MORE than double, the household income?
And if it's one of those things where hubby doesn't WANT his wife to work, regardless of if she has a degree that can demand a high income of her own or not, then isn't that the sort of thing that should have been discussed BEFORE they got married and started a family?!?
What you are saying sounds like a SAHM who wants to have it both ways. Those are the same types of SAHMs who mercilessly nag their husbands non-stop about them having free time for hobbies or time to unwind, when hubby has to work his butt off outside of the house AND work his butt off when he's at home too, trying to be fair and help SAHM with the kids, so SHE can unwind and get a break/get some free time. They don't want to let their husbands work AND have sufficient free/unwind time, but they want to stay at home without having to go to a job and punch in and out every day AND they want to have their own income too so they don't have to depend on hubby 100%?!? Please...
Last edited by NoClueWho; 01-25-2018 at 12:59 PM..
If the wife is entitled to a break, then why is the husband not entitled to a break? If the husband does all of the parenting and housework tasks when he comes home, so the wife can have a break, when does the husband get his break?
In a career, one is recognized in ways big and small for personal accomplishments, via the aforementioned awards, raises, promotions. One gets to see tangible results over the course of a working career. You do not have that as a SAHM. Instead, because it is such a behind- the -scenes job of subtly shaping complex humans (your child) and sustaining your family - in ways big and small- your results really come in the end: when your child/children become fully formed, healthy (mind and body), functional, contributing adults. So, after many years.
Working moms or SAHMs, no one has it harder or easier than the other. It will vary greatly, based on so many personal variables. But one advantage a working mom has, in addition to a wider range of personal interaction, is that formal sense of being recognized and appreciated for personal accomplishments in their job. And financial freedom, and all that buys, literally and figuratively.
That's an assumption. Many people work in jobs that are demeaning, or thankless because they have to and they do that routine, that can be mindnumbing and grinding every day, for years, even decades. My ex was chronically unemployed and chronically disabled so I had to shell out for daycare; did not come home to a clean house and had to work my butt off to have NO discretionary income. One under estimates the pressure you are under to keep a roof over other people's head and how difficult that can be. And seeing ones kid grow up to be poised, intelligent, capable is a huge reward.
There is also an assumption of financial freedom as if working moms are big execs pulling down big bucks rather than a dual-income household that needs that income to be able to pay the mortgage, and without it, would have to sell their house, or worse.
It's as if these conversations paint and idealized worklife vs. the worst aspects of staying at home.
My issue about SAHM complaints is that they complain about things that they have to do, that working mom's also have to do. Example: Get up when kid is sick. Do working mom's take vacations without their children? Do working mom's not have to cook dinner, clean the house, juggle kids appointments, settle disputes? The same exhaustive list, also without pay?
The biggest thing for me is that I have to RUN home from work. I have almost no time to think about meal planning and even less time to actually food shop. By the time I get home, and get dinner on the table, it's pushing 7pm, if I'm lucky. By the time the dishes are done, it's close to 8. I fall asleep in the 9, 9:30ish zone because I'm exhausted. Mind you, I'm up at 5am to cook my daughter breakfast and help her get ready for school. I don't have to leave till 8am to get to work by 9. My weekends are almost entirely filled with catching up all the things SAHM's can spread out through the entire week, like meal planning, real cooking (not just quick meals), house cleaning, laundry. Only I get to do that on the weekends. If I actually take time for myself and try to have a semblance of a social life, I have to squeeze in all those activities into ONE day. Making medical appointments for her or myself... It's a constant juggling act trying to coordinate her school schedule and my work schedule. It's really, really hard. I'm lucky that my daughter is 12 now so she is a little more self sufficient. But she wasn't always 12. When she was a baby and a child, this was even harder.
So while I have sympathy, I just can't fathom why the conversation always comes down to doing tasks that EVERY PARENT has to do with the idea that it is exclusively relegated to SAHP.
I know working mom's are taking on the world and don't have it the easiest, either. I've heard of working mom's complain about their own share of problems - having to take time off of work for illness, but not getting rest because the kids are there, or having to wake up 2-3 hours early to get the kids and herself ready, drive to the sitters/daycare or possibly wait for a sitter that doesn't always respect their valuable time to show up at the door all while getting themselves ready at the same time. I knew a working mom that had to get up early because she needed to get the baby ready, drive 1 hour to the sitters because of traffic, drop off the little one, get back in the car, go to work, work her 8 hour shift, rush to go get her baby from the sitter, and then of course absolutely exhausted when she gets home with no dinner on the table and she barely even got the time to eat lunch at work. She was always tired and exhausted but understandably so. I've known of working mom's that don't cook dinner and dad does because he's there or is a stay at home dad. I've known of single mom's that have to work and probably have it the hardest. Of course she would be taking on the same exhaustive list without pay as I've mentioned. It's not easy either way, and everyone is going to have their own complaints - that's just how people are. We each have our own complaints and things that are difficult or overwhelming at times.
As a note, my post wasn't meant to be a bash on mother's who have to work, but rather to address OP's question about SAHM's in particular to stay on topic. I'm sorry to see you took this as more of an offense as it was not meant to be.
Not a cent of pay? How do they afford to feed and house themselves and their children? I think you mean they get no discretionary income except perhaps as an allowance. That is pretty crappy, I admit.
I know working single mother's who have all the challenges of working, taking care of their children, and the cost, hassle, and all the mixed feelings and guilt of giving your child to strangers in a daycare. And they still have no discretionary income. That is even crappier.
I mean that SAHM's don't get paid $10 an hour to take care of our children even when it is a job in itself. There isn't an extra income, and some SAHM's feel regretful because they can't help their husband out with finances while relying on his paycheck to keep everybody afloat. Depending on financial situation, there may not be any extra money for mom and dad to spend on themselves.
If there are working mom's that aren't getting the money they need to pay for bills or pay for needed things from working a job with a set dollar amount then perhaps they should reconsider their job as it may not be worth that extra income and in turn be more expensive than relying on one income or try to get something so that they are able to work from home and reduce those costs. I know childcare is not cheap, it can sap a paycheck so quickly! Transportation cost on top of that isn't always cheap. Of course there's all the hassles of being a parent even still. Yes, it still isn't fun that there may not be any extra to spend in this situation, either.
Both situations whether SAHM or working mom have their challenges.
Well, not to be harsh, but just objectively asking---why doesn't SAHM just go to work then, so she can have her own income? Especially those with degrees who could earn high salaries themselves and probably even double, or in some cases, MORE than double, the household income?
A few reasons -
1) 60% of Americans believe that children are 'better off' with 1 parent at home.
2) There have been numerous studies which find that children with a stay at home parent have an advantage from both a behavioral, emotional and academic standpoint- both in the formative years and when they reach school age
3) Because a parent (mother) may not necessarily "double the family income" by returning to work- somebody made a good post earlier about the costs associated with a parent returning to work. Full Time Daycare, in some states, can run about the same as a year of college tuition per child. For families with multiple children under school age (like myself), this alone would leave very little financial gain. Considering we would also be in a higher tax bracket, it would make no sense.
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