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My sister does it. Lives in a huge home with a gorgeous and kind hubby. But anytime you talk to her, her life is so hard b/c she has to drive her two kids to sports and never has time to do a thing. She has never had a job. Married him very young.** The girls are very well behaved. She is an amazing cook that can cook something healthy in under 20 minutes not like Grandma who spent hours on stuff. I have no idea why she complains and makes it seem like she is a slave to them and then always says "but I wouldn't have it any other way." So bloody weird. And then to always complain to me, knowing I have had painful miscarriages and no kids is just a little rude to me (we are not close if we were I'd never deem it rude). We have separate Moms. I think they are bored out of their minds and have nothing to talk about b/c they are not part of the world so when they speak to educated people who travel with no kids they may feel inferior. Who knows? Maybe she feels sorry for me? It could very well be both. I cannot read her entirely. But the complaining drives me batty.
I'll start with the typical recital of I how know every not single SAHM complains. This thread is based on enough first-hand observations of complaining SAHM moms that I wanted to ask so I could better understand. The complaining annoys the crap out of me, but I thought if I understood it better, maybe I wouldn't be so irritated.
They complain because women with jobs envy and resent them, and they want to make it sound like they have a rough life.
I'll start with the typical recital of I how know every not single SAHM complains. This thread is based on enough first-hand observations of complaining SAHM moms that I wanted to ask so I could better understand. The complaining annoys the crap out of me, but I thought if I understood it better, maybe I wouldn't be so irritated.
I know several SAHMs who seemingly do nothing but complain and are extremely resentful. If you didn't know better, you would think they have the worst lives. They complain about everything from chores, to shopping, to husbands and whatever else they can think of. These are women with nice houses, no reasons to be materially stressed, and husbands who seem to be good men with well-paying jobs. One even has a cleaning lady. All of this is compounded when they get together and it becomes a contest to see who has the worst life and the biggest clod of a husband.
I know staying at home with kids all of the time is hard as hell. There is no way I could or would want to do it. But at the same time, I am having trouble understanding why the SAHM moms seem to complain more than the working moms who have jobs AND have to manage kids and a household (because it still is primarily the women leading on both of these). Particularly, since staying-at-home is often a choice whereas having to work often is not.
I have a few theories. I'm curious if SAHM think any of these are the reasons for the complaints or if there are others:
1) Lack of adult interaction. Talking about poopies and having Paw Patrol on in the background is probably difficult and mentally frustrating.
2) Feeling of inferiority for not working. I know one of my friends who is a SAHM has this issue. She has a MA in International Relations and she is resentful that she stays home and is wasting her education.
3) Feeling of imbalance in household duties. All of the SAHMs I know complain about the husbands not doing enough. It's as if they think hubby leaves for the day and goes and just has a grand old time all day long. As a SAHM, what do you expect from husband in terms of pitching in around the house?
Anyway, just wanted to see if anyone could shed some light on why SAHMs seem so miserable. My purpose is not to criticize but to better understand.
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Originally Posted by hbdwihdh378y9
They complain because women with jobs envy and resent them, and they want to make it sound like they have a rough life.
They don't.
Women that have to work b/c their significant other doesn't make enough MAY resent the others who get to stay at home to take care of children. But women who are career driven and educated and love their job have zero resentment for women staying at home with their kids and typically, not growing as much.
My Mom was a working Mom and the values she instilled in me and manners will never be forgotten. I really did not need much time with her to learn a great deal.
Oh, and the IT field is a joke. Where I live, the vast majority of those jobs go to people on H1-B visas.
This is one of THE MOST uninformed statements I have read this month. Do you know that IT work is?
It's network engineers, database admins, web designers, front end web developers, back end web developers, user experience engineers, user interface engineers, social media coordinators, production managers, project managers.
Do you know how many different skill sets these include? Some of which command extremely strong interpersonal skills, language skills, command of the nuances of field and demographics. What you wrote is cliche and entirely untrue. At my organization, the vast majority of IT staff are native born. (I work in IT.)
. Would you dare tell your child's caretaker that they do not do anything all day?
I didn't, but by your long message, you seem to imply that when people go to work, they are going to a country club and relaxing. I can only speak for myself, but once I leave the house, my day starts with riding the subway for an hour navigating all sorts of humans on a very crowded train. Right now there is something going around so that means exposing oneself to all sorts of people sneezing and coughing on you.
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Originally Posted by CarolinaPig
.no idea that I would be working so hard during the day, with little to no break. I am way more mentally and physically exhausted as a SAHM than I ever was working.
Maybe you didn't have a mentally exhausting job. That doesn't mean others don't. My kid is 12 so my days of diaper changes and similar are over. However, my job can be so busy... it's taken me a week an a half to make a phone call to make a doctor's appointment.
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Originally Posted by CarolinaPig
If you can vent about having to do all that after a day's work, why can't I? I have also put in a day's work.
Actually, I never vent except for in conversations like these.
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Originally Posted by CarolinaPig
"I do it all and work" statement is just as offensive as "at least I am raising my children and not daycare"
What's offensive is the idea that work magically absolves parents from responsibilities. There is a whole idealogy that if one works that there must be a lot of domestic employment involved to taking care of all domestic tasks. It's like the updated Ozzy and Harriet of times that never existed.
This is one of THE MOST uninformed statements I have read this month. Do you know that IT work is?
It's network engineers, database admins, web designers, front end web developers, back end web developers, user experience engineers, user interface engineers, social media coordinators, production managers, project managers.
Do you know how many different skill sets these include? Some of which command extremely strong interpersonal skills, language skills, command of the nuances of field and demographics. What you wrote is cliche and entirely untrue. At my organization, the vast majority of IT staff are native born. (I work in IT.)
Exactly - and I’m someone who benefited from an H1-B 20 years ago (citizen now). While sometimes abused it’s usually roles that can be outsourced or offshored at risk.
To your other comment -
Exhaustion takes multiple forms. Physical. Mental. Emotional. My wife is frequently mentally exhausted from work (as am I) as it is all consuming from the start of our day until the end. I’m sure you know the same - it’s 3pm and you haven’t even had time to use the bathroom much less have lunch. And you’re behind and need to do more emails at night...
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What's offensive is the idea that work magically absolves parents from responsibilities.
But just out of curiosity, why do you and your wife care so much about other women leaving the workforce to be SAHMs? It really doesn't affect you and your wife and it's none of your business. You don't know what their personal finances are like anyway. Not everyone has to be an 8 to 5 slave like you are. Some people invested well, inherited money, are trust funded or have a spouse who earns a good salary with a good life insurance policy if something should happen. But you seem to believe most SAHMs are too dumb to do the math on what it will cost to stay home with their kids for a while.
If you want to know the true monetary worth of a SAHM, try this: post an ad on craigslist like this: "Need FREE childcare, forty hours a week". See how many people will respond to it.
Oh, and the IT field is a joke. Where I live, the vast majority of those jobs go to people on H1-B visas.
I see my post hit close to home for you on SEVERAL levels, huh?
If that is what works best for you and your family, then that is good.
But why not have the person with the stricter standards for a particular task be the person primarily responsible for that task? You said several times that it was important for your husband to empty the dishwasher first thing in the morning. But if that was so important to you, why weren't you the one to empty the dishwasher? Just curious, not saying either of you were wrong?
Because of our work schedules I leave 3-4hrs earlier in the morning. But even if I didn't, in a partnership you need to find the middle ground. My husband would let dishes sit in the sink until they grow mold. Actually, he wouldn't clean anything. He once "forgot" to clean our bathroom while I was at sea for over a month to such a degree that algae was growing in the toilet. Cleaning is never a priority for him. If we followed your example I would have to do everything and he would do nothing.
Meanwhile, I don't particularly care what we eat. My husband otoh, is a big foodie. He has certain wants with regards to food that are of low priority to me. Because we are partners I respect that those priorities while not being mine, are still important to us as a family. So while I don't care if the butter is irish or not, I know he does and will go out of my way to meet that need of his. And that one extend from groceries to where we eat to even where we vacation. According to you, we shouldn't be going to the fancy restaurants he likes since I have little interest right? Or even if he wants to put truffles in the pasta, I can avoid picking them up at the high end market on my way home from work since it is a higher priority for him?
So instead of pretending that we aren't a partnership we pick the things that really mattered and we honor that for each other. So he empties the dishwasher in the morning, so the kids and I can load it throughout the day, and I will buy ingredients that I think are overly expensive and pointless.
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I went out of my way to avoid mentioning genders in my posts, but you had to come back with an unnecessary male-bashing comment.
Mentioning facts is not bashing. If I had said men don't take responsibility for the managerial aspects of a family because they are lazy that would be bashing. I don't think that is the reason at all. But it is a fact that even in homes where the work load is even (i.e. both people work outside the home and both do similar levels of chores) women are still more likely to be responsible for far more of the "other" like remembering to take the kids, pets, etc to doctors, dentists, sports, etc.
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We'll have to agree to disagree on that one.
Nope. You are being a hypocrite. Saying agree to disagree doesn't make you less of one.
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That makes sense.
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