Quote:
Originally Posted by crzymmarex
Really, look at all these children of time out eras, no respect for anyone, they all think the world owes them something and are patiently sitting around waiting for it. I was spanked, no worse for the wear, I tried all that time out BS with my children, I think there needs to be a happy medium, no abuse, and let the punishment fit the crime.
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Why is it that spanking parents believe that the *ONLY* alternative to spanking is a time-out.
If you *must* punish - you can put a toy in time-out, you can have a child lose privileges, loss of allowance. However, the best strategies keep them out of trouble in the first place.
Discipline is teaching which is NOT synonymous with punishment, though punishment *can* be a part of it depending on your world-view.
First and foremost, model the behavior you want your child to emulate. Children learn what they live. Teach by example, not words.
Second, assume your child is good even when he misbehaves. Understand that his actions have an underlying developmental reason. If you can figure out the reason, you can substitute actions that you are ok with that actually meet the same need.
Third, state your rules and requests in positive ways, not negative ones. Redirect her to things she can do rather than trying to keep her away from things without alternatives. Keep "nos" to a minimum. This is the best way to discipline toddlers and to show them what they *can* do rather than spending your time on all the things that they are not allowed to do.
Fourth, explain. Make sure you have his attention. You may need to go closer to him, to touch his shoulder, to look directly in his eyes. Explanations should be kept simple and at the correct developmental level for each child.
Fifth, always try to look for the underlying cause of the behavior and address that so that the need is actually met in acceptable ways. Give her choices
between many things that are acceptable to you. Choices are important because they give children control so that they learn self-discipline instead of always being controlled by an adult.
Sixth, give him warnings of transitions so that they become easier to manage. Children, like adults, need to complete activities they are absorbed in. Think about it. If you are reading a book or watching a tv show or working on a project, I am sure that you don't like being interrupted and told you have to stop. Kids are the same. They need some time to switch gears.
Seventh, allow for time-outs when your emotions or hers are out of control. Time-outs can be used non-punitively to allow both the adult and child to
regain control of their emotions. Teach her to count to 10, to breathe, to walk away by modelling the techniques you use to manage your anger. This is extremely useful and really not a punitive way to use time-outs. It's a way to help both the adult and child to keep emotions under control.
Eighth, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't give a lot of warnings, give one and then act. Give him time to comply, but follow through. This is where many of us fail. We talk too much and then when the child is not compliant, we feel we have to spank. We don't. If after a first warning, you go to the child and help him to comply (with toddlers, hand-over-hand can be a good technique), the child learns that you mean what you say the first time.
Ninth, plan for situations before they arise. Try to stay calm yourself. Allow her to vent her feelings and accept them. Accepting feelings does not mean giving in. You need to accept feelings, but not the behavior. Often just saying something that shows the child that you understand what they feel will defuse a situation.
Tenth, as your child grows, involve him in making the rules and choosing the consequences for breaking them Brainstorm and problem solve with him. Kids are often harder on themselves than you would be.
Eleventh, make amends when you make a mistake. Apologize to your child when you have made a mistake. Accept his apologies gracefully as well. Having a child make amends is the best thing when s/he does something that hurts another person.
Twelfth, give your child responsibility for real tasks that help make your family work, keeping the chores within her developmental stage and allowing her input into what the chores should be and when to do them. This gives your child a stake in your house and a feeling of family.
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