Depressed in Gilbert (Phoenix: buying, high school, university)
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My girlfriend is the same way. She feels cooped up at home all day watching the kids (3, 1 1/2). They are not easy and quiet like I was as a baby/toddler, they're infinite-energy little screamers that are 20-handfuls. It doesn't help for her that our closest family is 750 miles away. At least yours go to school! Since ours don't, she doesn't even have an opportunity to go get a job to get some time out and away (getting a job just to have all of it pay for this day and age's ridiculous day-care costs is a waste). It also doesn't help that she hates the heat, so she doesn't take them to the greenbelt or nearby parks (and doesn't even drive at all since we got to AZ almost three years ago, despite that she has her own car that she bought new in 2009). The friends thing is just a minor issue, as we're both introverted.
If we hadn't moved here (I knew I'd like it before even coming; coming here just reinforces it) and I hadn't finally landed my dream job at a great company, I'd be far more open .... Finding this again is going to be like splitting an arrow in the bullseye Robin Hood style. She is 7 years younger than me and has really only had a couple of jobs for a year or two each, so she really doesn't get the true depth of how rare this is.
We've already asked that. Her response is she's moving anyway because she hates the weather and thinks it's a horrible place to raise kids because of the weather and schools (she can't separate individual schools from the state as a whole having low scores), doesn't have diversity, and has "nothing" to do.
We would each really like for the other to be happy in a place that the one wants to be happy in.
I cut some things to make the quote shorter but I am sorry that you're going through this. She honestly sounds depressed, which is understandable and normal especially with two young kids to take care of all day long ... motherhood is exhausting and in so many ways the hardest job of all. Maybe you can try to find some ways to keep your wife engaged with the adult world when she can often feel overwhelmed and isolated by the kids -- e.g. encouraging her to go out and do something social while you watch the kids. The not driving thing really concerns me as a possible flag for serious depression or anxiety -- it's not normal to just not drive like that, especially for three whole years.
She may feel like you have an interesting job, life, career, and that she has nothing except the kids. So she has convinced herself that Arizona is the problem, not her depression or lack of outside socialization/adult pursuits. The downside to this is she might find herself dealing with the same problems, in any location, if she is in fact depressed or anxious or what have you.
I'd recommend counseling, both for her individually most of all, but also perhaps as a couple. I'd recommend she speak to a doctor about what sounds like it could be depression, and I'd recommend you get a game plan in place in case she tries to leave with the kids and you don't want her and/or them to go. There are plenty of these sorts of resources in metro Phoenix, fortunately.
My guess is that she needs more adult engagement with the world that will break up the endless hard work of motherhood. Going to school or getting a job may be a shot worth taking, but if she's feeling isolated, overwhelmed and depressed, it could be extremely challenging to make big changes happen all at once. I do know that talking to another person like a therapist does help a lot of people so I would start there if it was me. Wishing her, and you, the best in this trying time.
Last edited by ScottsdaleMark; 11-11-2016 at 08:58 AM..
Reason: Brevity
It's very different from california. Were an agnostic family so it's a huge change for us. I just want to find girl friends to go have a beer with is that possible in this town
Location: The edge of the world and all of Western civilization
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsg1104
I was happy in california, my husband and I were born and raised there. We got priced out of the market and we wanted to have a better life for our kids. Actually afford to do things. I think we would be happier in another part of the valley. I didn't really know we just saw family friendly and safe town in gilbert. We bought here so we're stuck for a while. I agree with the progress here in arizona, it's almost like I stepped back in time. I hope you find the right place for you!
I was in a bit of a rush when I typed my response yesterday and forgot to mention something. I was waffling while at my last apartment, not knowing whether to plant roots or prepare to leave. I thought it was circumstantial because I hated living with that roommate and that part of town (East Phoenix) wasn't ideal for me. After moving I went out more often, my commute to work is up to 75% shorter in time, and had my own space. I was even debating whether or not I wanted to move forward with buying a house, as I take long walks in the surrounding neighborhood on weekends. Even though this is the neighborhood I like best in Phoenix, after moving to this apartment I made my decision to leave.
To summarize: as soon as you possibly can, I'd recommend moving to a part of town that suits your needs better (possibly Central Phoenix) and give it one last chance. This state has failed to impress me, and I need a good overall balance that it won't be able to deliver. My advice would be to do the thing most people here won't do and plug yourself into the community, really look at it, absorb it all and evaluate it, then decide. I think that's ultimately what swayed me to seek greener pastures.
I might be wrong but someone told me every public school in Gilbert is across the street from a LDS church because the property was donated by the LDS church to build the school.
The former is my girlfriend and the latter is me. I want to stay here. I picked Phoenix out as my goal (coming from Silicon Valley) before I even met her. So I'm thrilled and ecstatically happy here. I don't care about the summer. Yeah it's hot and it's uncomfortable for prolonged periods outside, but I'm not a big sweater so it's not a big deal to me. I love the sunshine. My girlfriend however can't stand it. She hates the hot summers, and she does sweat easily. She has gotten extremely unhappy and depressed and so we're going to have to move. I hate it. I don't want to leave. Having my dream job and working for an amazing company makes it even harder to swallow. San Diego, Monterey, Modesto, Sacramento, Portland, Seattle, I don't care, I don't want to live in any of those places (or back home either because it's unjustifiably expensive). I don't want to be in an old, crappy, hodunk place; I don't want to be in an old, congested, dense, expensive place; and I don't want to live in lots of rain or even the tiniest fraction of snow because it makes me miserable. I'm going to have to start a thread in the General US forum or its city-vs-city sub-forum to find out which places meet her needs, while being as cheap as here (not likely), without making me want to kill myself (not literally).
So definitely not a stepping stone for me. Not to something "better" anyway. Everywhere else is going to suck for me.
How old are you?
Where do you work? I don't sweat easily and my career is sky-rocketing JK!
I guess you stay here because unless you have unconditional love for her eventually you will resent her. this is your dream and she is not going to be in it for long...you will be but a puppet in her dream.
OP, one thing about where you are: it's not that hard to get around to other suburbs like Chandler and Tempe. Why not check out MeetUp and find a topic you're interested in and a group that's outside of Gilbert. Do something that's just for you, not something related to your husband or children. There are HUNDREDS of Meetups in Phoenix related to every possible interest. I noticed a Moms Club in Chandler for women who have preschool kids. Some groups are age-specific, so you can hang out with people who are in your cohort. https://www.meetup.com/cities/us/az/phoenix/
I describe myself as a Progressive Democrat and a religious agnostic. I've found kinship with many people in Arizona. The Democratic political gatherings were packed with people this year. Sheriff Arpaio was finally deposed, so things are looking up for people like us. You just need to venture farther afield than your neighborhood and reach out. There's a Meetup group of more than 200 women called Liberal Ladies Social Meetup. They just go out for coffee, dinner, brunch, etc., and sometimes have speaker meetings, just to be able to interact with likeminded people.
I've suffered from clinical depression my entire life, so I know what a battle it is to get out of bed sometimes. Do see a therapist if you need to. Your GP can recommend someone, or even prescribe a low-dose anti-depressant for you to see if that ups your mood. You need NOT depend on medication for life. Sertraline (Zoloft) is a medication that helps a lot of women without the weight-gain side effect that troubles many antidepressant users. Paroxetine (Paxil) is often prescribed when symptoms include excessive anxiety. Buproprion (Welbutrin) is a popular medication today but research shows men respond better to it than women. Different meds work in different ways, so if you get a prescription, make sure to get it from someone you're comfortable talking with. If your depression is completely situational, you might respond just to some talk therapy with a trained counselor. Your probably missing the companionship you had in California.
I make it a goal to get out of the house for a planned-ahead activity three times a week. Even if I have to go somewhere alone, it motivates me to action. Exercise is good for alleviating depression, too. Maybe you can find a walking group or some team activity through Meetup that you would enjoy and would provide exercise as well as companionship. There are Meetups for hiking, swimming, volleyball, bike riding, dog walking, golfing, dancing, etc., etc. There are also more sedentary meetups like book clubs, people who play board games or cards, computer users, the list is almost endless.
Give yourself some credit for being motivated to improve your financial situation. Homes are a good deal in Gilbert so you probably have a nice place that suits your family. I know it seems daunting, but few things in life can't be improved or even reversed if they turn out to be a mistake. This will all work out, just be kind to yourself in the meantime. Best wishes to you.
Read further along where he reveals he has two kids with "the girlfriend", aged 1 and 3. That puts a whole different spin on things.
PhoenixSomeday, did you have the kids before or after moving to PHX? And how long have you had that dream job?
OP, I just wanted to tell you, I take a low dose of Wellbutrin and it has no side effects at all. In fact, I don't really even know if it's helping me, but I know when I ran out of it one time, I did start to feel even more depressed than usual, so I quickly got back on it. It is no stigma and I can't imagine that smoking pot will give you more energy.
And yes, it's really common to have relocation depression, ESPECIALLY when you're moving to a COMPLETELY different culture. I myself felt it when I moved from the East coast to Southern CA. I would never have known, like you, that Gilbert was a primarily-Mormon area except that I worked with a girl who lived there and she learned it after she got there too. Hang in there and try some of the great tips others have given you here.
This just goes to show folks, always rent for a little while when moving to a new area, even if housing is relatively inexpensive from where you are coming from. Get a feel for an area before you put roots down.
I lived in Chandler on the border of Gilbert back a few years ago and I thought both towns were dead zones...and I am a religious right wing nut job.
Best bet for the op is to do what others have suggested and just keep trying to meet people through various means. The good thing about the Phoenix metro is that it has lots of little micro areas that are unique. Just keep seeking people or places till you find a people and areas that you enjoy. Even for x-Californians there should be something for you. When I first moved here along time ago from California I thought the only "civilized" areas in the state were around the Tempe/Scottsdale and Ahwatukee. Things have changed since then but the OP should definitely take the suggestions to check out the Tempe area. Now after I've been acclimatized by many years of living here I can't even stand to go back to California though I eventually got out of the Phoenix metro and now live in gorgeous Northern AZ.
Also check out the rest of the state. Take weekend trips around...Flagstaff, Prescott, areas East of Tuscon, there are a lot of beautiful areas with great camping and outdoorsy stuff to do. Lot's of sites to see. The op might be able to shake off some of that depression with a good hike through some pine areas. It works for me anyway.
I'm sorry but I get so bored of hearing this lazy Gilbert stereotype about religion/LDS.
My wife & I are a mid-thirties couple with two young kids. We've lived in Gilbert for 4.5 years, I'm British, don't consider there's a religious bone in my body. My wife comes from a Jewish background, again she has no religious instinct.
We live about 3 blocks south of the Mormon temple. In our time here, no one has ever tried to influence us religiously. My wife has other family members (again non-religious) who live close by, none of us have ever had any negative experience. I have family members who visit every year, they only have positive things to say about where we live: The fantastic outdoor lifestyle, affordable spacious housing, beautiful landscape.
Gilbert is a family friendly, clean and safe environment which is being developed extremely well, and that's all as a result of those who live here, religious or not. It's all there for you if you get out and explore.
But please people lay off the LDS - it may not be my cup of tea or yours - but the idea that their members divide the Gilbert community and treat non-believers in any way negatively is just not true.
We are pretty liberal and we are not religious at all. Im totally okay with differences of views and religion but I feel i dont fit in to this town.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I moved to Gilbert from southern CA as well this past June. I actually didn't realize that feeling of not belonging in the town until the results of this election. I'm with you on this and I'm sure there's other people who have moved from SoCal to Gilbert like us, we should form some kind of meet up and get to meet each other with like minds who come from the same hometowns and are not super religious. Then maybe we won't feel so cornered. Feel free to PM me.
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JK! 
