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as long as someone's else's idea of your looks is more important than what you see with your own (more intimately connected and experienced) eyes, then anyone can tell you what you "look like". sort of like other kinds of tastes (literally), as in "i like fish; you should like fish too!" even i know i don't like the taste of fish, and if it was a requirement (convenience?) to share the same like of fish, i'd suggest that person seek out someone else with the same taste.
i just see "me" in the mirror. a whole individual with my own complex history, not some "thing" to pick apart and apply labels to, especially coming from somebody else. to each her own : )
I have felt this way before and I wish I did now (consistently.)
I think it's a trade-off for the joy of being in love. Just like how early-stages romance gives you all the rush and blaze of passion but the fear and insecurity of new vulnerability...so being very invested in love with my partner is wonderful in a million ways, yet I find I suddenly CARE about things I did not used to care about.
Like what he thinks, about how I look. It was easier not to care when I had a partner I didn't care as much about. It didn't matter that much then.
The main problem is this patriarchal society where women are objectified and mostly valued for their looks. Women who are "too old"/not thin enough/don't meet societal standards/expectations of attractiveness, in other words, are not desirable to men, are not really a valued member of society. Even grossly unattractive men (those who lack personal hygiene and basic manners) feel entitled to class women as "hot" or not and to date only the "hot" ones.
The main problem is this patriarchal society where women are objectified and mostly valued for their looks. Women who are "too old"/not thin enough/don't meet societal standards/expectations of attractiveness, in other words, are not desirable to men, are not really a valued member of society. Even grossly unattractive men (those who lack personal hygiene and basic manners) feel entitled to class women as "hot" or not and to date only the "hot" ones.
What gets me when some guy is opining about "quality women". I roll my eyes. What does that even mean? Some chick might look like a "10" but be the meanest, nastiest, cruelest manipulative person ever. But is she "quality" just because of her looks? Do those type of guys looking for "quality women" even looking past appearance? Sometimes I DO really wish they'd define that term. LOL
What gets me when some guy is opining about "quality women". I roll my eyes. What does that even mean? Some chick might look like a "10" but be the meanest, nastiest, cruelest manipulative person ever. But is she "quality" just because of her looks? Do those type of guys looking for "quality women" even looking past appearance? Sometimes I DO really wish they'd define that term. LOL
It just means whatever they want in a woman.
Some of them might mean super hot. Some are probably ok with whatever they think is "average" but are way more concerned about her having little experience, no baggage, never nagging or talking back, not having male friends, or not having ANY friends or family to distract her from serving his needs. Most mean that she will be hyper sexual with them, and never sexual with anyone else, because we all know women do nothing without men's attention and reactions firmly at the forefront of our thoughts. Some might me she makes good money and some might mean she'll stay home and raise his babies. She must want or not want kids in accordance with his wishes, of course. She will be religious if he is, not religious if he isn't. She'll also be the same political affiliation. His Mother will love her.
"Quality." Just means "what I want."
Actually I think guys don't think most of this through. They just assume it without thinking and then get fussy if it's not there.
While working as an airline reservations agent I got to see and ticket a lot of celebs, and I can tell you that without professional hair, make up, lighting and being dressed in a way that flatters their figure.. they don’t look all that different than the average people around them.
They have the same issues that other women have. blemishes, weight gain, cellulite, gravity,
Under eye bags, bad hair days.. etc. A lot of us could look like celebs if we had someone doing our hair, make up and dressing us before putting us in front of a camera. I also live near and frequent the beach that’s popular with celebs and see have seen them in their bathing suits... fat rolls, stretch marks, Sagging boobs, muffin tops.... some are down right homely! Lol
All of the maladies we have to deal with... so do they.
Last edited by Sydney123; 04-12-2019 at 07:00 PM..
I actually think women have more pressure to look a certain way now more than ever with Instagram and all the other social media sites out there. Many years I ago, I thought it all it took to have an attractive body as a woman was just to be skinny. Now your proportions have to be just right... big butt, big boobs and small waist. That's way more difficult than just being skinny. Many women can't have the physique without surgery.
In answer to the OP: I did when I was younger. I look at photos of myself and I wonder how the hell I ever thought that. I was a cute kid/teen/young adult. Did the unrealistic expectations in magazines and media have a hand in that? I think so.
Once I got out of my 20s, and people were still mistaking me for under 18, I realized that no, I'm not ugly. I can have days where I don't look all that great - we all can - but overall, I think I look fine. I also try not to compare myself to others - everyone has their hang ups...even the most beautiful people are able to find flaws on themselves. What they hate can be what others really like - so it doesn't matter.
There's more to a person than what they look like. Their character matters a lot. But, I know that a lot of people, even guys, can get hung up on what society tells them is attractive.
Those people who get plastic surgery, botox, blow their lips up to ridiculous sizes...I think they are the most affected. Tearing and slicing their body up to try to look "acceptable". That's pretty sad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
What's up with mothers being obnoxious about their daughters' looks, I wonder...
I've got a memory from when I was pretty young... The movie, "Labyrinth" came out when I was 7, so I'm sure this memory is from within a year or so of that. And I'd told my Mom I wanted to marry a man like David Bowie, because I was pretty impressed with him, though I couldn't have said why at the time. (No, it isn't the tights, I promise...but I'm not getting into it now.) I'll never forget how she informed me that men like him only married blonde models with blue eyes, not regular girls with "sht brown" hair and eyes like me. God, thanks Mom. Funny, he wound up married to Iman. But her comment was clearly about what she thought men wanted, and what she thought beautiful looked like. It was pretty clear to me at the time, I did not qualify. My Mom has also warned me all my life that I would inevitably get fat one day. It has not happened. But there were times I visited, and put on a swimsuit to visit the lake, and she would look pointedly at my backside and inform me I was gaining weight. I wasn't.
I know a young woman who has eating disorders and self harm behaviors from her Mom's continuous put-downs about her looks. She, at 18, discovered grunge fashions and, as young people will do, has tried to build a style for herself. Her Mom says she looks like homeless trash. What is wrong with this woman? It hurt my heart to hear about it.
It's unreal to me that some parents don't seem to understand how harmful it can be to put your kids down. And seriously, as though life won't do it enough anyhow...
It's dreadful that some moms do that to their daughters. My adopted mom and I didn't get along all that well, but I remember one day, I was feeling pretty bad about just about everything in life, including myself. I was in my early teens. She led me over to the full length mirror of the front closet in the living room, and pointed out how great I was. The things she pointed out are still my favorite features to this day. It really boosted my self esteem...and yes, of course, I was comparing myself to others at the time, and so was she. But her comparisons were very positive in my favor.
I suppose on one front, some could say that it was sad that my mom had to point out features on my face that were "perfect", according to her. But the sole reason she put me in front of that mirror to do that was because I was so down that I told her I was the ugliest person on earth and I didn't deserve anything from anyone because of it. So, sure, maybe she should have pointed out some other things, (which she did over time), but on that day, she did what I needed to hear. At that time, what I looked like did mean a lot to me - and I guess that is sad that, as someone said, my self worth was based on how I looked. In a way, yes it was. But this was also the same person who would point out all the "wonderful things about you" that had nothing to do with my looks when I had some pretty down days as a teen. And just like the looks thing, everything that she pointed out are qualities that I still like the most, to this day.
Last edited by Three Wolves In Snow; 04-12-2019 at 10:08 PM..
Gee, I guess mothers and daughters can be as complicated as fathers and sons.
My mother always told my two sisters how beautiful they were. (which was true) Told her two sons handsome we were, not completely true. Girls thought my brother was just wonderful. Me, not so much. OK, but nothing special.
I'l share something which happened to me, three times. Have no idea if it happens to others:
My physical perception of a girl changed, three different times. First time, met girl, thought 'meh'. Got to know her, fell in love with her. As that happened, I soon saw her as utterly gorgeous.
The second a was girl at work, who I considered 'unfortunate looking'. Got to know the smart, funny, kind person she was. Came to wonder how on earthI could have ever thought she was ugly.
Last time was with the woman I married; most unimpressed when I first met her. Got to know her and my perception of her changed, for the better.
What can I say? I guess I'm essentially shallow and judgemental.
I actually think women have more pressure to look a certain way now more than ever with Instagram and all the other social media sites out there. Many years I ago, I thought it all it took to have an attractive body as a woman was just to be skinny. Now your proportions have to be just right... big butt, big boobs and small waist. That's way more difficult than just being skinny. Many women can't have the physique without surgery.
Really? As previously stated I live near and frequent the beach. I surf 3-4 times a week. I never see a shortage of women with some pretty hot bods. This is about as much social media as I do so maybe I am just ignorant of what goes on there. That being said... with a lot of guys, having a pulse will make one attractive. Lol
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