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I have no issue keeping my nose out of what other people do in their bedrooms/lives. I am not judging. But I am concerned for the OP.
Some BDSM elements within the sexual relationship can be exciting- but reality is seldom as good when the "fantasy" act is over.
Some red flags- the OP is young, has anxiety issues, and was influenced by a strict religious background.
I am NOT saying this lifestyle is "bad". But I am saying that the lifestyle is riskier to some people more than others.
I have no issue keeping my nose out of what other people do in their bedrooms/lives. I am not judging. But I am concerned for the OP.
Some BDSM elements within the sexual relationship can be exciting- but reality is seldom as good when the "fantasy" act is over.
Some red flags- the OP is young, has anxiety issues, and was influenced by a strict religious background.
I am NOT saying this lifestyle is "bad". But I am saying that the lifestyle is riskier to some people more than others.
O/p is Owner/property. It's semantics really. I have a friend who prefers to be considered property - which is how I view slaves. There's a big mixing of the terms/definitions between Master/Dominant/Owner and slave/submissive/property. And basically what it means is that one person takes charge and accepts responsibility for the other partner in the relationship. It's far less about exerting control than it is about a symbiotic relationship involving a dance. Someone has to lead and someone has to follow. 50/50 leads to stalemate. How much of the split determines how people interact.
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Originally Posted by Marlow
What is it then about your relationship that isn't vanilla? (Thanks for teaching me a new use of the word, btw.) I'm not asking for details about your sex life, but nothing in your post sounds all that unusual.
Because little in my life appears unusual.
What is it about my specific relationship that is not vanilla - what sets it off as being a D/s relationship? It's the dance. He leads, I follow. He is the captain and I'm the COB. This is specific to MY relationship. I'm a very dominant person and it's one of the reasons that most people within the lifestyle are astonished when they learn we are in a male Dominant/female sub relationship. I found someone more Dominant than I am. He is a very quiet, gentle former Army Platoon Sgt who was blown up in an EOD explosion. Someone I could trust 110% -so I could let go of the reins of control and finally not be the responsible one. To have someone else weigh the pros and cons of every major decision; to put himself last in that decision-making because the responsibility of his power/position is such that he is responsible for our relationship and how well it functions - and for my well-being. Often the decisions he makes are not benefiting either of us directly - one over the other - but benefit our relationship and thus us as individuals indirectly. And I don't always have to understand all the reasoning behind his decisions (although he willingly tells me when I ask). I only have to trust that he has made a decision based on my input and any other facts he may have looked for and then has tried to remain impartial while looking at it from FIRST, the impact on our relationship; SECOND, how it will affect me; and LASTLY, how it affects him. And I did learn that I could trust him. It took a while and a leap of faith initially, but he has proved himself time and again to be able to put his own needs last and to put our joint needs first. That is the mantle of responsibility.
And for that, he has earned every perk on the planet it is within my power to give him. That means that if he wants something else for dinner, I make it. It means that when he says we are going somewhere, I don't argue - we go. It means when he says we're staying home, we stay. It means I serve him his dinner and I clean up unless he wants to help - it's his choice.
It means when we go to parties/events (including family), I always keep him in my peripheral vision so I can see when he needs something. When we have BBQs, which is about every other weekend, I make sure he gets spelled at the grill, I don't wait for him to ask for a plate of food, I keep my eye on his drink to know when it's near empty, etc. It appears seamless - he doesn't ask and he never commands - he doesn't have to. My sister and godmother find it strange that he doesn't jump up to the buffet table at family events with all the other men but they just look a bit quizzical for a moment.
We have certain rules he set out for me initially, one of them being that lunchtime is a very special time for him. He works hard, he comes home for lunch. He expects food in the house and quiet -- and my attention. 98% of the time, it works that way. Once in a while it doesn't. I discuss it with him ahead of time and we work around it. If I'm on the phone and he walks in, I terminate the call (unless it's business) and am there for him.
OK, so now you want to know what happens when I break a rule. Answer is, I almost never do. If it happens by accident - doctor running late and I can't get home on time - I let him know asap and explain. No problem. I lose track of time - nope, doesn't happen. He asks me to run an errand - and I forget - has happened. He was disappointed in me and did it himself. Didn't happen again.
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I think most people on here agree that what goes on in the bedroom is nobody's business. But it's the alleged 24/7 nature of the OP's relationship that makes people uneasy. It's not even the fact that she is a "kept" woman, or that she does all the cooking. That is standard in many cultures and many relationships. It's the slave/master terminology and the idea of a woman eating every meal at the feet of her lover that creeps people out.
So basically you're saying people are creeped out by use of terminology and eating her meals on her knees. It's her kink. It's his kink. It isn't really a part of the actual relationship; it's window dressing for it. It's referred to as protocol and ritual and it's used to remind the partners in the relationship of their status. Some of us have few protocols or rituals if any. But they are young and she is new - and it's exciting to her.
Exactly what I meant. (bolded part)
Of course, I question everything, cant help it, its just the way I am.....just another one of those things that makes me go hmmmmmm, lol
*chuckling* I hear you there.
I actually think in some ways, it is a generational thing. I mean, people the OP's age have literally grown up with the internet, with online communities. For them, it actually is the automatic go-to place for information. If they need to know something, their first thought isn't "I should go to the library." It's usually to whip out their cell phone, boot up the browser and Google it.
Not that I don't do the same... but I'm also a major geek and have been for most of my life.
I had to laugh a few months back... I was at a BBQ hosted by a friend of ours. It was a pretty mixed bag of people attending and I knew probably half of them. I ended up chatting with a woman I'd never met before for a bit. At one point, she reached out and put her hand on my wrist and her eyes were a bit wide... you know the gesture I mean? The "I'm going to impart something a little shocking or surprising, but I feel I can confide in you" thing?
Yeah... she wanted to tell me that she had found a website with "thousands of people having conversations about movies. They TALK to each other for hours every day. They even get to know about each others families and such."
She was talking about IMDB. *chuckling*
It's kind of an interesting phenomenon, watching the non-geek portion of my generation adapt to the internet, versus seeing how integrated it is into the lives of the entire (non-third world, obviously) population of the younger crowd.
I actually think in some ways, it is a generational thing. I mean, people the OP's age have literally grown up with the internet, with online communities. For them, it actually is the automatic go-to place for information. If they need to know something, their first thought isn't "I should go to the library." It's usually to whip out their cell phone, boot up the browser and Google it.
Not that I don't do the same... but I'm also a major geek and have been for most of my life.
I had to laugh a few months back... I was at a BBQ hosted by a friend of ours. It was a pretty mixed bag of people attending and I knew probably half of them. I ended up chatting with a woman I'd never met before for a bit. At one point, she reached out and put her hand on my wrist and her eyes were a bit wide... you know the gesture I mean? The "I'm going to impart something a little shocking or surprising, but I feel I can confide in you" thing?
Yeah... she wanted to tell me that she had found a website with "thousands of people having conversations about movies. They TALK to each other for hours every day. They even get to know about each others families and such."
She was talking about IMDB. *chuckling*
It's kind of an interesting phenomenon, watching the non-geek portion of my generation adapt to the internet, versus seeing how integrated it is into the lives of the entire (non-third world, obviously) population of the younger crowd.
It really is an entirely different mindset.
Hilarious!
You know, if someone had told me 30 years ago that I would be chatting with someone via computer in another part of the world about alternative lifestyles, I would have assumed that they were having a REALLY bad acid trip, and gone and found someone to help them.
Funny how things change, isnt it?
Hilarious!
You know, if someone had told me 30 years ago that I would be chatting with someone via computer in another part of the world about alternative lifestyles, I would have assumed that they were having a REALLY bad acid trip, and gone and found someone to help them.
Funny how things change, isnt it?
*chuckling* It really is. One of my absolute best friends is a woman from Quebec I originally met online. I have another dear friend in Israel. A couple I count as basically "family" who live in Australia.
Same thing... even as a geek who was well-familiar with BBSs, I'd have thought, "uh huh, sure, THAT'S likely" and rolled my eyes. LOL
Some days I feel like we're living in a SciFi book.
Now I am positive you didn't read a single word I have posted. BDSM is not "the whip stuff". A D/s relationship is not a pain-based relationship nor does it involve parading one's relationship around. And I am absolutely certain you know someone in this kind of relationship but you are in the dark about it.
I want to keep this brief because I've given this subject FAR more thought than it is ever worth. No, honestly I don't read much of your stuff. The subject matter just does not interest me, sorry.
I don't even know what you are talking about anymore. If you are talking about the whipping crap...I wouldn't know... I don't ask. People can go all Indiana Jones on each other for all I care...as long as they keep it away from me.
If you are talking about somebody being humiliated and treated like a dog...then no, I can guarantee you that nobody I know is even remotely into that.
I may live in AZ, but that doesn't mean that we are all Blowin' Up our trailers with meth explosions, smackin' our womens around, rednecks. I live in a nice part of the East Valley. Everybody I know that are in relationships, are in relationsips built on love and respect....this would horrify them as much as it thoroughly has me.
Or perhaps she lives on the east coast and has gone to bed with her partner like most people?
Not everyone spends their days and nights hovering over the computer waiting to answer your questions.
don't expect anyone to hover over the comp. to answer my questions, however the Op posted for hours and answering all posts then just went away. if you read the thread you know several people think the OP is just trolling.
there is a legit concern for the Op that she maybe be being used and manipulated. because of her own issues may not be aware of it, or stays in the relationship just because she is young. we all learn from our relationships, no matter what kind they are, even when we are young. we do things and accept things in a relationship that once we know better we wouldn't ever accept again. not saying that she won't stay in the lifestyle forever and be happy. it is only a concern if at her young age she allows herself to become totally dependent and allows herself to lose who she really is at her core. dom or sub, man or woman, we should all be confident and strong enough for ourselves we don't take sh*t from anyone. we should do things because we want to and love someone
I may live in AZ, but that doesn't mean that we are all Blowin' Up our trailers with meth explosions, smackin' our womens around, rednecks. I live in a nice part of the East Valley. Everybody I know that are in relationships, are in relationsips built on love and respect....this would horrify them as much as it thoroughly has me.
Arizona has one of the largest and longest standing educational kink groups in the United States... it's called APEX - Arizona Power Exchange. They're one of the biggest "go-to" groups when it comes to factual, educational information about kink.
Arizona is a mecca of kink... no pun intended. *chuckling*
I may live in AZ, but that doesn't mean that we are all Blowin' Up our trailers with meth explosions, smackin' our womens around, rednecks. I live in a nice part of the East Valley. Everybody I know that are in relationships, are in relationsips built on love and respect....this would horrify them as much as it thoroughly has me.
Btw... few other points...
Drugs are considered by the majority to be seriously not cool. Drinking, too. It's considered by most to be dangerous and incredibly stupid to try scening while intoxicated.
As for the whole redneck trailer thing... for those who do engage in the S&M aspect of things, this is not a cheap "hobby." Quality implements can run easily into the several thousand dollar range. So this idea that it's a bunch of redneck hicks living in trailers on welfare? Yeah, not so much.
Last but not least, your idea that these relationships lack love or respect is just flat out insulting... but then, pretty much everything you've posted on this subject has been insulting. Why the moderators allow you to continue to disrespect, insult, belittle, degrade and humiliate others (without their consent, I might add) is beyond my understanding. You've shown more disrespect for other people in this thread than I've seen among "my kind" in the last 12 months.
But we're the screwed up ones?
I suppose it's ok to humiliate and degrade someone as long as you have righteous indignation on your side, 'eh? Real quality guy you are, yup.
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