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So I basically skipped over the replies everyone else left and focused only on what the OP has written in his follow-up posts...
Usually when someone wants to call off a wedding it is either because a) the couple actually is incompatible/there are major issues or because b) one party or the other gets cold feet, panics, and rushes to end it in their panic.
It's actually kind of rare to get to see both at the same time... but I'd say this is one of those situations.
It sounds like yeah, you guys have some issues... and it sounds like you've got a case of cold feet which is just pointing a magnifying glass at those issues. It also sounds like your first instinct when things are in the toilet is to walk away, but that you allow yourself to be cajoled back... perhaps because you don't REALLY want to walk away, it's just your first instinct.
So... with all that said... there is a middle ground here. You've said that she has offered to "see someone." I'm assuming she's suggesting you two go into marriage counseling after the wedding. Obviously getting in to see someone before the wedding isn't going to work... there's not enough time to get anything accomplished. She wants the relationship to continue, and actually, you sound as if you do as well... as long as it can continue without the fighting, the push-and-pull, etc. But now you have this wedding looming, all these people coming, all this money spent... not to mention the fear that nothing will improve and now you'll be married.
Put the wedding plans on hold. Start there. "We're postponing for 12 months." Then get your butts into counseling together and separate. If you have to, make that a condition of the relationship (and living together, etc.) continuing. If being happily married to you truly is more important to her than getting married (and there IS a BIG DIFFERENCE), then this is something I'd think she'd be agreeable to.
Fix the issues (if they can be fixed) BEFORE you guys walk down that aisle. You do yourselves, and your relationship, a major disservice if you go through with a WEDDING without finding out if the MARRIAGE is sustainable.
Postpone and get counseling. Figure out how much of what's going on is cold feet and how much is actual issues... and how many of those issues can be settled or how many are insurmountable.
If you call it off now you will devastate her!!!!!!!!!
As someone who was dumped with less than three weeks before my wedding you better think good and hard about all the lives you could destroy with this decision. Friends, family, your fiance. Do you really want to hurt her? This is the kind of hurt that can't even be put into words. To say that it will be gut-wrenching for her is a huge understatement. It took me YEARS to get over what happened and guess what, my ex-fiance had a change of heart less than a year later and now wishes that he'd married me because his life pretty much went to sh** after he left me. Just sayin'
The grass isn't always greener. If you think there's something "better" out there, good luck to you. I'm willing to bet that you end up with some crazy psycho b**** just like my ex did.
So a lifetime (unlikely) marriage of misery is worse than a few months or unmarried misery? Sorry, wrong answer!!!
What the OP should do, IMO, is some soul searching and find out the reason behind the feelings. If they are cold feet (which it sounds like) , he should talk it over with the best man if anything else! And maybe put the wedding on hold IF it is more than being a bit scared of the reality of the situation...
Sharpie, is a clergyperson scheduled to perform the ceremony? If so, contact that person immediately and ask to talk to him or her about this. Go alone or as a couple. Perhaps that would be of some help.
hello everyone,
the "pretty/younger" statement may have been stated poorly, or taken out of context a bit. Right or wrong, it's a feeling that i have. a feeling that there's something better out there, and that i shouldn't be 'satisfied' with something i currently have, given the flaws and issues i'm having with it. come to think of it, it's not right or wrong....it's wrong.
it's the mentality that many of us have grown to know. It is the reason i want a better car, a lower mortgage rate, and a bigger/nicer house. and i'm the type of person who's constantly looking to get a better deal, a better upgrade. it's not really fair to want to do the same to someone i do love, but it's what's in my head and i'm not sure how to fix that.
i wish i could say that it's only that one thing in my head. it's many many things that complicate things. it's the fact that i feel unhappy overall, but only when we are in a fight. when we are ok, i feel happy and satisfied. it's the fact that i fear how we will be like 5 years from now. i keep picturing her bad attitude when she's upset being the norm in 5 years. granted, that's all in my head and may be completely false and inaccurate. it's the fact that i fear this commitment, because i feel like once married, i'm restricted, even though if i really think about it, nothing major will really change. i will still be doing the things i do now, because my world now revolves around her and the things we do together anyway.
her parents are arriving from out of the country today. they're staying at our house and don't speak a word of english. She kissed me this morning and told me that she will change, and that she will make sure we're happy. she said that she loves me and that she doesn't want me to do this. i asked how she can say that we'll be happy, when we are not right now, and she doesn't know what the future will be? she said that we'll go see someone and that she'll change and please please please.
i feel awefull about this as is, and hate to see her so desperate and obviously scared. it gives me no satisfaction. i think she's saying these things because she not only loves me, but also is very very afraid of the unknown; afraid of having to tell her parents; afraid of having to move and so on and on. Who can blame her. This would change her life completely, but who knows, maybe that will be the best given the circumstances.
i talked to my parents last night. they pretty much echoed what you all have been saying for the most part. that the fact that I can see myself with someone else if this doesn't work out, is proof enough that i don't love her. that going into a marriage with doubts will result in nothing positive, and that it'll result in me constantly wishing or wondering if i made the right decision.
how i feel is beyond words, and you have nothing more to go by but what i tell you and describe. but as i'm sure you all would agree, the relationship and the situation itself is different to some degree and you will never fully understand what it's really like being in our shoes, but i just wanted to thank you all again for caring enough to respond.
Listen to your parents! They know you, we don't and they're also a MARRIED couple who've been married for many years. So they are the ones who will offer you the BEST advice.
I suggest calling the vendors and canceling with them, tell her you're going to be staying at your parents house so she can tell her parents without you being a distraction. Do not go back to your home while she is still living there. Meet up at a public place and talk but you must stop cohabitation because it's going to continue to have you straddling the fence and the time is getting closer each day that passes. Pack you a bag and go to your parents house and stay there until she's out your house.
I spoke to my fiance as well as talking to my parents.
She promiesed me to change and to make us happy. i told her that that sounds silly and that she will not change since her personality is already fully developed and that i wouldn't want her to change anyway since it's not really her that's the problem. it's US.
her parents arrived tonight. it made things a million times more complicated.
My parents had two suggestions for me:
1. postpone the wedding until we get counseling
or
2. proceed with the marriage but have a prenuptial and a separate agreement that allows for a clean breakup within a six or twelve month period should you not be able to resolve your problems through counseling; this is given the fact that she seems so sincere to want to better our relationship and sincerely wanting us to work and be together.
choosing option 1 is extremely difficult, and i don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. i know that most of you are leaning towards option 1.
Option #2 just seems like a bit of a farce..."I promise to love you and be with you in good times and bad...till death do us part. Or until it's determined that we fight too much."
I'm SO sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like a hell of a roller coaster. I don't know if it means anything to you or not, but I'm praying for you to find peace with whatever decision you make.
With option 2 there will be no such thing as a 'clean' break. You can't even break up now and you're not even married yet, so what makes you think putting a clean break in "writing" is going to make it easier to end the MARRIAGE. That's just silly. If she's not willing to let you walk away now, she sure as hec is not going to be up for getting a divorce. Going through with the marriage is only going to make things much worse than what they already are. YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY HER! So why go through with it only to end up dumping her in 6 months? Dating is the trial period for marriage and if you can't see yourself being HAPPY till death with that person then you don't marry them.
choosing option 1 is extremely difficult, and i don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. i know that most of you are leaning towards option 1.
I frankly don't know why your fiancee would want to go ahead and marry you, if you've leveled with her about all of this, Sharpie. That does not bode well. If it were me, i'd not want a marriage to someone with doubts. No way. Why does she want this so badly? That's what i can't understand. It's almost as though she's desperate to go through with it, regardless of the truth. Which is that you do not want to get married.
There ya go. Your first problem has already reared its head.
I can't believe people are telling him to end it ,or stay, without even knowing either one of them.
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