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If he needs irrefutable proof of fidelity from a DNA test...why is he even in a long-term relationship or marriage.
If you think there's a possiblity the soil is contaminated, why would you plant the seed there???
Things are not always how they appear. Happy marriages/relationships can be a facade just like the white picket fence surrounding a house filled with child molesters and drug dealers. No one wants to willingly get into a relationship where they will be lied to and cheated, but it happens anyway. 1/10 people who believe they are their childs father ARENT. These are folks who BELIEVE that they have good marriage. That they BELIEVE the soil is "clean". The rate for people who SUSPECT that they may not be the childs father is 3/10, so for the ones who decide to "protect' themselves in this manner are more likely to uncover false paternity. ALL of these folks BELIEVED that they (or maybe in a few cases, didn't want to be) were or had a chance to be the father.
The words of another are meaningless to me when it comes to something as serious as this. I might trust you to pay me back $100 in a week or two if I let you borrow it, but i'm not going to accept 18+ years of responsibility on a whim. That's stupid.
Let me say this another way: If you read the article I posted before, many states have legislated that a father has two years to contest paternity. After this, the courts penalize fathers for not investigating soon enough! Yes. It's the fault of the suspected father that they had trust in their wives/girlfriends/flings to do the right thing and not hoe around. A (mandatory, by personal policy) DNA test is one of the ways to counteract this crooked system.
It's generally a good idea to trust but verify. Trust isn't some either or proposition. You can generally trust someone but still want to obtain additional verification once in a while. It's like buying insurance, even if you're generally healthy there is always a slight chance of something catastrophic happening.
I guess what this argument comes down to is what's more important, the woman's ego or the man's peace of mind. I really dislike the notion that even bringing this up should be taboo. That is just not a healthy relationship if something important to one person can't even be discussed because it might offend the other person. I really hate this sort of emotional blackmail. I really dislike people who use these passive-aggressive means to silence and control other people.
Things are not always how they appear. Happy marriages/relationships can be a facade just like the white picket fence surrounding a house filled with child molesters and drug dealers. No one wants to willingly get into a relationship where they will be lied to and cheated, but it happens anyway. 1/10 people who believe they are their childs father ARENT. These are folks who BELIEVE that they have good marriage. That they BELIEVE the soil is "clean". The rate for people who SUSPECT that they may not be the childs father is 3/10, so for the ones who decide to "protect' themselves in this manner are more likely to uncover false paternity. ALL of these folks BELIEVED that they (or maybe in a few cases, didn't want to be) were or had a chance to be the father.
The words of another are meaningless to me when it comes to something as serious as this. I might trust you to pay me back $100 in a week or two if I let you borrow it, but i'm not going to accept 18+ years of responsibility on a whim. That's stupid.
Like cpg said, this lack of trust is going to resurface again and again.
If he is really that untrusting, adopt! Then it's a moot point, the child is neither hers nor his biologically. Problem solved. Now he doesn't have to worry about the paternity of the child.
Really though, I'm thankful I don't have to deal with men like this. If I was ever presented with that kind of "ultimatum", because basically that is what it is, I'd suggest he get micro-chipped so I could have the same peace of mind and I'd have the appointment all set up with our vet!
One of them has "boy" in the handle, so it's self-explanatory... I know at least 2 more are guys. Come to think of it, Singlelady is probably the only woman.
Let's say a man wants to test all of his children for paternity at birth. Also, let's say he informs you of this in the beginning, during your dating or friendship stage of the relationship. He does this a general policy, a piece of mind sort of thing. He's heard and read the stories of men raising other kids for years without knowing and just wants to ensure that never happens to him since he plans to be a very emotionally invested father. It has nothing to do with an assumption that any specific woman will cheat on him. He sees it as no different than a woman wanting a marriage license for piece of mind in a long term relationship.
Would you agree with his plans? Why or why not?
No. I wouldn't go out with him again. You say it has nothing to do with an assumption that any specific woman will cheat on him. You're right. It has to do with his suspicion of all women. Next!
If he is really that untrusting, adopt! Then it's a moot point, the child is neither hers nor his biologically. Problem solved. Now he doesn't have to worry about the paternity of the child.
The fact that you bring up adoption in this scenario means that we really aren't' discussing the same issue in the same context. I'm pretty sure the differences between adoption and false paternity were well defined in the last thread. guess not.
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Really though, I'm thankful I don't have to deal with men like this. If I was ever presented with that kind of "ultimatum", because basically that is what it is, I'd suggest he get micro-chipped so I could have the same peace of mind and I'd have the appointment all set up with our vet!
The ramifications of false paternity transcend all others in terms of emotional damage, particularly in the case of cheating if for no other reason that false paternity being an extension and result of cheating which may or may not have been evident.
How about this. If you can convince the courts to lift the 2 year limit on contesting paternity AND make it so that men can recover the costs of raising a child who they thought was theirs but isn't (repaid by the women), I guarantee you all this nonsense would cease to exist. Any women that could be sued into oblivion 15 years later will think long and hard before doing anything silly.
How about this. If you can convince the courts to lift the 2 year limit on contesting paternity AND make it so that men can recover the costs of raising a child who they thought was theirs but isn't (repaid by the women), I guarantee you all this nonsense would cease to exist. Any women that could be sued into oblivion 15 years later will think long and hard before doing anything silly.
I would absolutely support this.
If she's going to act like a cheat and a loser she deserves to be treated like one. I would say he has every right to be repaid, with interest and entitled to any emotional damages as well with no statute of limitations coming into play. He can collect whenever he finds out the child isn't his.
It's generally a good idea to trust but verify. Trust isn't some either or proposition. You can generally trust someone but still want to obtain additional verification once in a while. It's like buying insurance, even if you're generally healthy there is always a slight chance of something catastrophic happening.
See for me trust is black and white...you either trust someone or you don't. If he has to "verify" that our children are his than so be it. But he can't get all bent out of shape if I want to "verify" that all the people on his phone aren't lovers, or "verify" that he really went to China on a business trip...or maybe I'd need to "verify" that he really went out to dinner with his colleagues and not a mistress. I mean I trust him, but I'd just want that peace of mind.
I guess what this argument comes down to is what's more important, the woman's ego or the man's peace of mind. I really dislike the notion that even bringing this up should be taboo. That is just not a healthy relationship if something important to one person can't even be discussed because it might offend the other person. I really hate this sort of emotional blackmail. I really dislike people who use these passive-aggressive means to silence and control other people.
Nobody is saying it can't be discussed. He has every right to request that any and all (future/current) children he "fathers" have a paternity test. But she has every right to disagree and decide not to pursue a relationship with him or leave him, if they are already married. That's not being passive-agressive and it's not emotional blackmail.
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