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tish and bluegrass: Your combined posts illustrate the fact that we are all unique and have different needs.
Even though there is medical research showing that married people live longer and are happier, these stats are based on averages and the effect they measure isn't applicable to everyone, nor is it a dramatically large effect.
It's kind of like our diets --- there is an "average healthy diet" that science can identify, but then you can meet people with perfect diets who drop dead from a heart attack at 40, while someone in their 90s is happily chain-smoking and living on Twinkies. Medical studies only give us averages, they're not customized for our needs. The only person who can tell you what you need in a relationship is YOU.
In my case, I'm confused. I love the freedom to do what I want when I want (being single.) But I'm lonely and afraid of growing older without a mate. I can create an intentional community in a number of places where I have friends and family, or I can try to create a traditional nuclear family. The only person qualified to make that choice is me. Same for both of you --- if you're happy in your status, then I'm happy for you. Life is too short to waste it on trying to control the behavior of others, I accept any choice you make that doesn't hurt others.
I guess, for me, I have to do things because I want to do them, not because it fits some kind of recipe.
The problem with waiting too long or sowing oats or having fun:
A friend of mine had a male acquaintance who was in his late forties. He was a bachelor his whole life, and no woman was what he wanted. Then he found himself in his forties alone, and couldn't find anyone as he felt now, the good ones were all taken.
I had to learn what are the right things to be picky about. I used to be really confused over that. What should I compromise on, and what not?
I think I am better on that now.
But I find it hard to meet men. I am a friendly person, but I don't meet any guys where I work.
I would just like a SO.
Thanks.
I had to learn what are the right things to be picky about. I used to be really confused over that. What should I compromise on, and what not?
I think I am better on that now.
I think that is one of the wonderful things about aging! We do learn what's important and what doesn't really matter. It's not a matter of lowering one's standards, but appreciating and understanding reality. A person's soul is what's important. The way the treat you is important. The way they treat others is important. What their lifestyle is in regards to working and ethics is important. At some point, most of us learn that flat bellys and perfect hairlines don't stay that way. Fat bank accounts don't buy you joy. The superficial stuff tends to go out the window much more quickly than when you're young. I find men to be more honest too... I think sooner or later those single guys like you spoke of, become bored and want something of substance in their lives. Substance for me, is much more easily defined now.
I guess, for me, I have to do things because I want to do them, not because it fits some kind of recipe.
I bet you're a great cook. A little boasting here --- I'm like you, I don't go for recipes (although I do pay attention to scientific research and I use common sense about healthy choices), I improvise my cooking and often come up with dishes that have no name, take them to potlucks, then get bombarded with requests for the "recipe" and I have to try to remember what I did. I love the surprise of not following strict measurements and instructions so I never have the exact same thing twice. And yet I'm a creature of habit who merely tweaks his routines rather than venturing out into the wild unknown.
Bottom line, I like what you said above. Life is too short for strict recipes, unless you want a strict recipe, in which case you should go for it. Life's also too short for improvisers to argue with people who follow the printed instructions. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. (Pardon the cliche.)
I seem to be in the minority here. I do not like being single. Perhaps I just haven't found happiness by myself, or maybe I don't know where to look. I'm in my forties, recently divorced, live in a town where I know no one and work in another town about an hour away. I really don't have time to meet someone and online dating has played me a fool over and over again. I'm too trusting and they can smell that a mile away. So, I bit gun shy, but still not willing to say I like being single. I'm lonely, and almost always the odd girl out at gatherings, whether coed or just the girls. I'm always the one without someone. I feel like I'm the one who has no one to love them, the unwanted. Boy, the sure sounds depressing. I do believe that one day this will all become the "new norm" and I will adjust, but until then every day is just a black whole.
I seem to be in the minority here. I do not like being single. Perhaps I just haven't found happiness by myself, or maybe I don't know where to look. I'm in my forties, recently divorced, live in a town where I know no one and work in another town about an hour away. I really don't have time to meet someone and online dating has played me a fool over and over again. I'm too trusting and they can smell that a mile away. So, I bit gun shy, but still not willing to say I like being single. I'm lonely, and almost always the odd girl out at gatherings, whether coed or just the girls. I'm always the one without someone. I feel like I'm the one who has no one to love them, the unwanted. Boy, the sure sounds depressing. I do believe that one day this will all become the "new norm" and I will adjust, but until then every day is just a black whole.
If you're "recently divorced" and doing online dating which has "played me a fool over and over again", it sounds like perhaps you're way too anxious to find a relationship. This is certainly just my opinion, but time and space is the best thing for a person's soul after a divorce. It takes time to heal... not as long as I've allowed myself... but time, nonetheless.
I bet you're a great cook. A little boasting here --- I'm like you, I don't go for recipes (although I do pay attention to scientific research and I use common sense about healthy choices), I improvise my cooking and often come up with dishes that have no name, take them to potlucks, then get bombarded with requests for the "recipe" and I have to try to remember what I did. I love the surprise of not following strict measurements and instructions so I never have the exact same thing twice. And yet I'm a creature of habit who merely tweaks his routines rather than venturing out into the wild unknown.
Bottom line, I like what you said above. Life is too short for strict recipes, unless you want a strict recipe, in which case you should go for it. Life's also too short for improvisers to argue with people who follow the printed instructions. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. (Pardon the cliche.)
Thanks for the compliment! I would like to think I am a good cook.
I agree...sometimes, I do like the mystery of life, not knowing what is around the corner!
The whole relationship thing, has to be about giving as well as getting. The giving is a form of expression, too.....
I don't mind being single. When I was in college, I was at a party, and a guy the girls were going after, gave me one of the best compliments I ever got in my whole life, he said, "you're not like the rest, just trying to snag some guy to marry." We talked a bit, and this guy, who was captain of his football team ( I was visiting friends at that school ) seemed almost sad, because he didn't want to be a piece of meat on the market, "the good catch".
I still feel that way.
I am single, and have been for the longest period of single in my life. I think it started out as a forced single, since I became a single mom. I just don't have the time or the energy, and now I am getting used to it. Some days I really like it, and some days are nostalgic.
Since I am a single mom, I am so much more careful about my "picker." I have gone on two dates, and have not continued with either men because I saw red flags, which I used to ignore because I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. In the end I looked back and saw that those red flags were valuable information for me.
I think that going from relationship to relationship for the sake of not wanting to be alone is counterproductive because the time alone is healing for whatever ails you, and it gives you the opportunity to be open to the time when something really good comes along, which otherwise may of been missed.
I also think that society puts such an unhealthy pressure on people to be in a relationship. Just stop sometime to listen to the words of songs on the radio, they scream desperation, and unhealty love patterns. We are brainwashed through all types of media to look for love. But the depictions are really not about love at all... it's kind of sick actually.
Someone mentioned divorce before. It has been my experience that the best advice for those getting divorced is not to date until one year after the divorce papers have been signed. I personally would not date someone who had just gotten divorced because I would just be setting myself up for a fall.
The idea of dating, really dating without getting too involved, like more than one person is a good thing too because it forces you to check people out, and not jump into a relationship.
...We talked a bit, and this guy, who was captain of his football team ( I was visiting friends at that school ) seemed almost sad, because he didn't want to be a piece of meat on the market, "the good catch".
I still feel that way.
Wow... That's poignant. And the captain of the football team is only experiencing a tiny fraction of the loneliness that is experienced by celebrities. Rock stars are commonly addicts in large part because they're dulling the pain of being worshiped and laid by people who don't even know them. Most people think that would be a great lifestyle. To me it just seems tragic. You'd have to be a very strong healthy person to maintain your sanity as a rock star. I think Bono is a good example. He uses his fame not to engorge his ego but rather to do what he can to make the world a better place. Even if you disagree with him and hate his music, you have to admit he's better off than the guys who drink themselves to death surrounded by teenage groupies who don't really care about them as human beings. Deep down inside, we're all alone and all vulnerable, and we're all going to die. There is no difference between us other than how we treat others and how well we maintain our ethics and keep our word.
A lot of my friends have a significant other or are married.
I am single and have been for a while.
I enjoy the single life cause I have all the freedom in the whole to do as I please without anyone thinking of anyone else. I travel a lot, I go to the casino if I want, I can look without worry and have no disagreement with no one. What a life???
However, there are days I sometimes wish I was not single. There are times I go to a party or event and I happen to be the only one who is single or you sitting drinking coffee and you see a couple kissing each other. You wonder if being a couple would be much more fun.
Another thing I noticed is how society views you if you are single. I gotten comments such as "Why don't know have a girlfriend" or "Do you have a wife."
Who honestly enjoys the single life?
I trully agree sinlge life is great. In these time you cant tell where your going to end up so much has changed. We have moved far away for the notion that we need to settle down, marry young and have kids. Now you have to better prepare yourself for a relationship, not only getting to know someone but most importantly we must know ourselves before we can ever be productive in a relationship. So before you end up in a relationship that is stressing as well as completly wrong for the path that your trying to follow it is best that you continue to date.... single life rules
Last edited by discovery101; 09-17-2007 at 01:36 PM..
Reason: spelling
I think at times, every single person wishes they had an s.o. but as a single person myself, I enjoy it. Ive been lied to, walked on, hurt, controlled, and dont miss any of that.
....
You have to keep in mind Power Surge, that just because you've had all of those bad experiences in the past, that doesn't mean everyone else is going to "lie to you", "walk on you", "hurt you", or "control you". I've had heartbreaks, just like everybody also, but that doesn't mean that I should give up and lock everybody out of my life.
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Not for me
