Don't meet the kids for 6 months or revolving door -- are these really the only two choices? (married, women)

[tonylu]

6 months sounds like a pretty good amount of time before meeting the children. I think there are situations where the length of time might be different. Things like whether the person is a friend of the family or a neighbor or something.

I've never had children but I'd say around there. As long as my potential girlfriend was upfront right away and told me she had children from a previous relationship. I have to think of these things because, as I get older, more and more of the women I meet will have children. While I think I have a little trouble interacting with children (I'm not mean to them. I just don't know how to do it and I'm afraid I might mess up or make a mistake.), I wouldn't mind trying a relationship with a single parent. I imagine that it would help me practice for when and if I have a child of my own. Besides that, if I get to an age where I (or my significant other) can no longer have children, I can always be a father to the child already in the family.

[PassTheChocolate]

Originally Posted by NilaJones

I often see people saying that they don't introduce their new sweetie to their kids until they have been together six months, because this is better than subjecting the kids to an endless parade of new beaux. Are there really no other ways of handling things?

Also, have you ever had a great relationship with the parent, but broken up because you and the kids didn't connect?

I can't imagine having sex with someone who is a parent if I haven't met their children. Well, maybe if the kids are adults . But otherwise, it would be like sleeping with someone when I had never seen where they live. I would feel that I didn't know hem well enough..

This seems so backwards to me, but I am a mom. I'm guessing you aren't. I mean, you can have your rules, withhold sex if you must until you get what you feel is appropriate, but the kids' well being is far more important, at least it should be. The idea is to not do the revolving door scenario. And your approach is a pretty good way of making that happen.

[NilaJones]

It's not withholding sex to get something, it's that I cannot feel sexual interest if I don't know who someone is. And seeing how they interact with their kids is a big part of that.

[ellie]

I dated a few single dads and usually met the kids early on. Didn't seem like a big deal. Usually the child just went with us like a mini chaperone. Nothing ever panned out with these guys as they weren't really my type. They were more like second dates of a very casual nature.

[dogluvr2012]

I think the couple should work on the relationship with each other before getting the kid(s) involved. Personally, I would wonder about a parent that introduced their date to the kids early on.

[LS Jaun]

When I date women that have kids I have usually met them on the 1st date unless they were staying at there dads. It's never been an issue ever

[dr74]

Originally Posted by NilaJones

I understand the concern about who kids form attachments to, whether those people will turn out to be good influences and whether they will stick around. I think it's good to be careful about that.

Do parents have the 6-month rule when it comes to other people in their kids' lives? For example, if there is a new child in your kid's class at school, is your kid not allowed to play with them for 6 months? What about new adult neighbors in the house or apartment next to yours? Can you have them over for coffee if your kids are home? If you get a new dentist, do you keep taking your kids to the old dentist for 6 months?

I've never heard of any of these practices, but maybe I am ignorant. If they really are uncommon, what makes romantic relationships different from other potentially long-term and influential relationships?

There are many types of relationships, many forms of attachments and this is dependant on the role these people play in the lives of a child…

Therefore your post is somewhat not related to what your initial question was..

Children in your childs class are their “Peers” the relationship they have wit friends are completely independent of the parent…

A child is a friend not in a position or role with the parent…
Therefore the waiting period would be silly…
The only thing I can state to this example is the child does not have to wait to be friends with another child but they may have to wait to spend the night at their friends home until the parent meets the other childs parents and makes the decision on whether their child will spend the night…

New Adult neighbors in the home for coffee? This is along the lines of a non romantic relationship same as if you were up town and shopping and ran into a co-worker and decided to go have lunch…
For example…
When I resided in my old neighborhood there was a family that I thought was “Okay” My child was not to go into their home because I did not know them…Come to find out I found out the mother worked in the same medical office I did…I just did not see her to much since she was a receptionist and I was the surgery coordinator located in a different building..
I began hearing my other neighbor whom I established a good rapport with that they sold drugs…
My son stated her daughter had invited them over to see her “Daddys pot plants”
And I observed her getting high out front in plain sight.
From that point? I made it a point to tell my son who was 10 at the time that he was not to go by their home, if the children wanted to come to our front yard? This was fine, it is not the childrens fault.
However it came down to words with me and this woman…I told her she was to keep her pot smoking habits to in her home and not the front yard..
That she needed to keep an eye on her children and stated all the things her children were stating and stated this was reportable to CWS…

I explained why to my son regarding why he was no longer allowed to hang out with her children and do forth…
These are people that DO NOT NEED TO BE IN YOUR CHILDS life…
I do not have ties with these people, I do not ponder the idea whether or I am going to have a relationship with them and how good they will be for my kids because I am pondering whether or not to pursue an intimate relationship that may lead to them being a positive role model in the life of my son..And yes until my son is 18 I have the respective right to demand this..

The dentist? Again no ties to my son…He is providing a medical service towards my child and has his best interest at heart which is to ensure that his dental health is optimized…
Should he not be doing his job? I would have no qualms in finding another dentist asap…
Again, different role..The dentist does not come over, does not have dinner with us, does not watch tv with us, does not go on family trips with us…His role is strictly professional…

Originally Posted by NilaJones

I do think I am influenced by my mom's not-great taste in men. She stayed with them a long time, and they were not criminals or druggies or anything, just not real respectful to people.

But this includes my dad, so it's not a dating issue per se.

You just answered your own question…
You just stated that you are influenced by your mothers not so great taste in men…
And this includes your dad…

Well this the main reason as to why you do not bring just any man or woman around your children…
Again the responsibility lies on the parent since the children have very little say in adult matters…

Some parents care very little for a childs opinion without realizing one great truth…
‘Woman and Men may come and go but your children are always going to be your children.”
Years after a love interest is gone your child will always remain your child…Your child is yours, something you created…anyone else? Is truly expendable..
The thing some single parents forget when dating others and allowing others to come into their lives as well as their children’s…is that “Children DID NOT ASK AT any point to come forth into this world “
It was our decision as parents to give BIRTH to these children…
We tend to become clouded as single parents and feel cast aside when it comes to our own personal lives…
Without reflecting to our own child hood and remembering how we felt as children ….Our children reserve the right to feel safe, stable and enjoy stability…
I am not the only one to feel this way, a lot of my friends feel this way too…
So it cannot just be me…
I do not regret my decision…I do not allow a man to influence or bully me into meeting my son in order to spend more time with me…
If he is going to be long term And loves me? He will know that I am a good mother and therefore I will be a great partner..
If he cannot? That is his decision and he can look for what he wants and I can continue being a MOTHER to my son and looking for someone who shares my point of view…

[sydney1987]

Originally Posted by dr74

Nila,
Do you have children? I think I recall reading several of your posts and I do not think you do but I am not going to go back in time to find out lol…

Now I do not claim to speak for all single parents so I will state how I feel on the matter…

My son is my precious cargo..I would do anything to ensure he is safe, whole emotionally and succeeds in all he does in life, with this stated?

Being a divorced parent there is already emotional upset and adjustments for the children…therefore ensuring the next person you allow to come into their world? Is going to be long term, they are going to be a beneficial addition to the family…

So there is a reason for waiting for (6) months as you stated or even longer in some cases…

1. One is barely getting to know this person…Let us not forget that everyone is a stranger to us until we get to know them…
The way they are, their mannerisms, the way they live their lives and so forth.

I have personally dated some men for (4) months before finding out they have nasty habits.. Like one guy I dated who ended up to be a pot head and this is what he loved to do during his down time.. He did not state this initially but when I spent the weekend with him? This is what he did ( Get high) He was a professional business owner and never stated he smoked weed regularly to me…Matter of fact he left this out…
When I found this out? On my way home? I projected a few months from that point..Did I really want him to meet my son? I would never allow anyone who did drugs to meet my son or for my son to live in a home where drugs were being used..So I broke it off…

Not meaning he was a bad guy but his lifestyle choices did not coencide with mine as a parent..

2. When dating someone it is hard enough to get to know them and find the time to do so let alone bringing the kids into play..what happens if you two find out shortly after the relationship has started that you are not compatible?
Children are not stupid..The excuse “He is just a friend” is a novelty idea some single parents choose to use as if there children are complete morons

3. The children meet Mr right now and they adore him, okay what happens if you do not? You obviously Are not going to stay with this man simply because your kids love him…This will have them going through a semblance of the divorce again, the mentality that everyone leaves…


My main point, as parents there should be a responsibility to our children…
That them being exposed to multiple people in their lives does give them a sense of a “revolving door policy” That this is what relationships are about..that nothing is sacred or concrete…

You stated that you could not imagine being in a relationship with a man and not meeting his children unless they were older…
That you could not get a real sense of the way he lived?
Why is that?
His relationship with his children is really none of your business until you have both decided after time that the relationship is moving past casual and fun and you are seriously and responsibly thinking about making a life together…and really have taken the time to get to know one another..

I personally do not allow anyone to meet my son right away, my son is off limits and he will meet them should I feel I have had appropriate time to know this person..
Now my ex has done what you state you would like to do which is meeting the kids right away..
And what has happened?
He exposed my soon to his g/f ( the one he moved in with after I KICKED him at since he was having an affair with here.)
My ex was not even sure that they were compatible in any other area except bed..
He lived with her and she was horrible to my son…she criticized him for the way he was ( My son was 8). My ex fought with her constantly, my son was subjected to them fighting ALL the time, screaming matches whenever he stayed the weekend…I put a stop to it once my son told me and I took him back to mediation and won per judges decision that the home was not in his best interest every other weekemd.
What ended up happening? My ex left her while she on vacay with her son and moved out without a word…
Now my son? States that he has no faith in his father that his dad needs to grow up and pick women who are good to him and care for him ( His dad)
Sad that my son is aware of this…Thank goodness that I am not like this or my son would not have a sense of normalcy and security …
There is just an opinion from a single parent…
Take it or leave it..

Good stuff.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by NilaJones

When I was a kid, I was much more strongly influenced by the neighbors, and by my friends in school, than by my parents bf/gf after they divorced. Not so much the dentist.

Was this not true for you? The friends I had as a kid and a teen shaped who I am today. And the neighbors were an amazing window into how a family could work differently from ours. As soon as I got the freedom to do so, I modeled my emerging sense of self on a couple of the neighbor women. And I have grown up to be a lot like them.

But my mom was with the same bf for 12 years, he is still a friend of the family 30 years later, and I don't feel I was influenced by him at all. I sometimes hang out with him, just us two, but that's only because we are the only two in the family who care about fireworks on the 4th of July. We have gone to them together a few times. But, otherwise, I find him boring and a little overbearing. I have never hung out alone with my dad's wife.

They are both fine people, just not my cup of tea. And it's people who I admire who influence me, not just whoever is in proximity.

I'd say that is an indication of why you don't understand the issue. I sure as hell had a far greater impact from my parents, than ANYONE else in my life. Most children are going to look at adults as someone to emulate - a mentor or sorts - ...much more so than other kids or neighbors. Dr74 has nailed it. You already have your answer.

[Pammyd]

Originally Posted by NilaJones

I often see people saying that they don't introduce their new sweetie to their kids until they have been together six months, because this is better than subjecting the kids to an endless parade of new beaux. Are there really no other ways of handling things?
Also, have you ever had a great relationship with the parent, but broken up because you and the kids didn't connect?
I can't imagine having sex with someone who is a parent if I haven't met their children. Well, maybe if the kids are adults . But otherwise, it would be like sleeping with someone when I had never seen where they live. I would feel that I didn't know hem well enough..

I absolutely believe in introducing your new beau to your children fairly early on in the relationshp. To wait six months to do so only leaves you open to become attached to the new beau and then find out six mos. down the road he /she may not like children at all. Then what?

Nothing is more important in a single parent's life than their children. I was a single parent and stayed that way for 10 years until my son became an adult and was ready to go out on his own. I had divorced his Dad when he was 11 years old. I did date along the way but made sure the men in my life at that time knew I had a son and that my son was priority. If my son was treated with any kind of disrespect while I dated by any of the men, they were HISTORY. Some of the men hung around for a time but others ran with tail between legs..didn't want the responsibility and that was fine with me.

When a person decides to be divorced and be a single parent their life changes with focus becoming raising those children to the best of their ability...men/women take a back seat. It is just the way it is.

My son now?? Very successful, married with an amazing job, home and lifestyle. His Dad?? Not in his life; not my son's choice...his Dad is a loser. My son has an Uncle who has been like a Dad to him and a Father In Law who adores him..works for us!