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It does not irritate me, I just would not want to have kids or get married to someone who can leave and have 7 men lined up ready to go.
you probably need to sit down with a best friend and go over all the details of the various men, the company I work for has sophisticated software for determining where best to invest money in its various assets (where they can get the best ROR), so the question you are asking is actually quite complicated, probably more complicated than anyone here can truly help you with.
You may need to sit down with a girl friend and create a spread sheet, im not even joking. My best friend refers to it as the wheel of wieners.
Haha, that's funny. I was thinking of maybe making a spreadsheet just so I can get everyone's story straight. I was wondering if that would be less exhausting then trying to remember specific details that each individual has told me. OR, if I should just cut the people down to a more reasonable number where I could just remember everything.
We're not talking about committed relationships. We're talking about casual dating in order to find a compatible partner FOR a relationship. No one is using anyone, but you're both just getting to know each other to see if you're a good fit.
Once in a committed relationship, if you have the mentality of being committed, then you're not going to be looking out for "something better". If you want something better, then you put that energy into making the relationship better.
That's not a bad position for a guy at all. He was picked by someone who had many options. He stood above the rest, and he had to do his part to stand out, which means he will be used to contributing to the relationship also. Both are making effort to keep things good, which is what a relationship needs.
The problem with that is as soon as he starts to slip up a little bit (as no one can keep up that level of competition, even athletes have to sit in the hot tub quite often) he runs the risk of her getting upset and he knows that he was just competing against 6 other guys and she can have another 7 lined up again if he does not maintain a high level of performance at all times, that is a very stressful way to live.
The problem with that is as soon as he starts to slip up a little bit (as no one can keep up that level of competition, even athletes have to sit in the hot tub quite often) he runs the risk of her getting upset and he knows that he was just competing against 6 other guys and she can have another 7 lined up again if he does not maintain a high level of performance at all times, that is a very stressful way to live.
Highlife, I'm looking for the right person, the one to marry and settle down with. Once I find that person, I'm not going to keep looking, no matter how many options I have. This person is not going to continuously have to prove themselves to me.
Also, people age. I have options now, but in 10 years, who knows?
You only have to worry about your competition if the person was settling when they picked you to begin with.
Highlife, I'm looking for the right person, the one to marry and settle down with. Once I find that person, I'm not going to keep looking, no matter how many options I have. This person is not going to continuously have to prove themselves to me.
Also, people age. I have options now, but in 10 years, who knows?
You only have to worry about your competition if the person was settling when they picked you to begin with.
There is no way to know that though, did your past relationships know you were settling with them, did they see it coming when you announced you were leaving? I doubt there was any physical abuse so you just left because you were "not happy". No one says they are settling in the beginning of a relationship so how is the other person to know, all he knows is you have options and that means you CAN very easily leave without much consequence if you so choose.
There is no way to know that though, did your past relationships know you were settling with them, did they see it coming when you announced you were leaving? I doubt there was any physical abuse so you just left because you were "not happy". No one says they are settling in the beginning of a relationship so how is the other person to know, all he knows is you have options and that means you CAN very easily leave without much consequence if you so choose.
Again that's a stressful way to live.
Oh, I wasn't settling in the beginning of those relationships. When I started those relationships, I wasn't thinking about marriage or kids, I was just trying to have fun. When I wanted something more long term, I realized those people weren't the one, and then when I stayed with them anyway, it was THEN I was settling. But, it didn't start out that way. And I didn't leave them right away, either. I kept hoping something would change.
So, I'm trying to be more picky (but not so picky that no one is good enough) this time around. Also, my goals and what I'm looking for in a mate are clear to me now, they weren't in the past.
And you say there is no consequence to me leaving a relationship, but that's not true. There ARE consequences. I have to break up with someone, lose that person out of my life, feel sad, mope around, take time off to heal, and start over. It's not like when I break up with someone that they're spontaneously erased from my mind. Of course they are consequences. And it's not like I've found someone immediately (and I DIDN'T WANT to find someone immediately either). So there are emotional (painful) and time (the time I lost being with them) consequences to my breakups (not to mention if we lived together all the logistics that go along with that).
I can honestly say that the relative ease (or not) I would have finding someone new played NO FACTOR in my decision to leave a person. Everything else I mentioned did, however.
This is the condesention that some of my high school teachers would spew out, "if you don't like the US then leave", then when people do (and take their money and resumes with them), the people cry foul lol.
I live in a nation full of hypocrites.
I'm not American, I don't live in America. You want things to go back to the olden days, but I seriously doubt you would have liked them.
Thanks I'm sorta headed in this direction, too, that I need to take breaks instead of letting myself get frustrated. The poster who said you want to meet someone when you are the best, happy version of yourself is such good advice. I think taking breaks in between is the key to being your best, happy self.
Did you ever meet anyone special? How long did it take you?
I did, but I'd already known her for a while. I had a couple of long term relationships that flamed out after about a year. A few years after my last relationship, I re-connected with an old friend from High School we're going to have our two year anniversary soon
I wanted a lasting long term relationship from about the time I was 19 and I'm 27 now. So it took me about six years.
Oh, I wasn't settling in the beginning of those relationships. When I started those relationships, I wasn't thinking about marriage or kids, I was just trying to have fun. When I wanted something more long term, I realized those people weren't the one, and then when I stayed with them anyway, it was THEN I was settling. But, it didn't start out that way. And I didn't leave them right away, either. I kept hoping something would change.
So, I'm trying to be more picky (but not so picky that no one is good enough) this time around. Also, my goals and what I'm looking for in a mate are clear to me now, they weren't in the past.
And you say there is no consequence to me leaving a relationship, but that's not true. There ARE consequences. I have to break up with someone, lose that person out of my life, feel sad, mope around, take time off to heal, and start over. It's not like when I break up with someone that they're spontaneously erased from my mind. Of course they are consequences. And it's not like I've found someone immediately (and I DIDN'T WANT to find someone immediately either). So there are emotional (painful) and time (the time I lost being with them) consequences to my breakups.
I wish I would have done that but the few women I found always pressured marriage so I have now been divorced twice. I did get to have some fun but I wish I did not have to see the whole legal mess of a divorce but that was the only way I was going to get to have fun. It is a stressful way to live, being discarded when something better comes along and not having options.
It does not irritate me, I just would not want to have kids or get married to someone who can leave and have 7 men lined up ready to go. Just because it was hard for you to leave did not prevent you from actually leaving, people who don't have options don't leave unless its for really serious reasons like physical abuse, that's just a character issue. Leaving because it was "not a good fit" is the result of having the knowledge that you can have 7 guys lined up. Do the guys you are dating have 7 other women lined up or just 1 or 2. If a guy knows you have 7 guys lined up and he has 1 or 2 he may just focus more on the other 2 women especially if those women only have 1 or 2 other guys if any lined up.
you probably need to sit down with a best friend and go over all the details of the various men, the company I work for has sophisticated software for determining where best to invest money in its various assets (where they can get the best ROR), so the question you are asking is actually quite complicated, probably more complicated than anyone here can truly help you with.
You may need to sit down with a girl friend and create a spread sheet, im not even joking. My best friend refers to it as the wheel of wieners. Your going to need to put in the time and energy to keep track of the various men so you can make a decision .... before they make it for you by picking the other women they are seeing.
So what you're really saying is that you are incredibly insecure and you prefer your women trapped because they don't think they can do any better. That way, you can treat them like **** and they're probably not going to have the backbone to do a thing about it.
So what you're really saying is that you are incredibly insecure and you prefer your women trapped because they don't think they can do any better. That way, you can treat them like **** and they're probably not going to have the backbone to do a thing about it.
Monemi, would it be ok if you took this conversation with Highlife elsewhere?
I'm trying to keep my thread on topic, if at all possible.
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I was thinking of maybe making a spreadsheet just so I can get everyone's story straight. I was wondering if that would be less exhausting then trying to remember specific details that each individual has told me. OR, if I should just cut the people down to a more reasonable number where I could just remember everything.
