what to do when your date is fatter/uglier/older than expected? (guys, love)
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It sounds to me like the OP felt that his date mislead him online through pictures that did not represent her appearance. Since her appearance had changed so much that he was unable to pick her out of a crowd, I think the OP being upset would be justified. People usually use mirrors, and his date must have known she was using misleading pictures online.
I am not sure I would have handled it the same way as the OP, but I can certainly understand the OP being upset about being mislead.
Eh, I've been told (most recently by the guy I'm seeing) that I look FAR different in photos than I do in real life. For many women, the use of makeup, lighting or different clothing can make worlds of difference in their appearance. Hell, I have certain outfits that completely change my body shape and even wearing my hair naturally (curly) as opposed to straightening it can make me look completely different. When I was doing the online dating thing, I dyed my hair a different color, but most of my pictures showed my old color even though the pictures were less than 4 months old.
So, this woman's pictures could have been current for all we know.
So a person showed up looking different than their pictures and you found them more attractive. Again YOU found them more attractive. How is that any different than someone being even more attractive to someone who lost more weight than their pictures? And again I am not speaking for anyone else, but for MYSELF, whether I was even more attracted to them than I was their pictures, I am going to ask why didn't you put updated pictues. Because it makes no sense to show up so drastically different than what the person made themselves appear to be in their profile. Could the OP have handled things better? Yeah he could have, and I have handled it differently by continuing the date. But I don't know how differently she appeared from her pictures, and what his expectations were, and it probably did just **** him off, cause she was not what he expected it. Plus I don't know the man or anyone else on this board well enough to call him an a-hole.
You are going to ask...right. I wish I could be a fly on the wall during that conversation. I also had dates show up that I did not think were as attractive in person as in their pictures. It goes both ways and if someone reacts one way to one scenario and another way to a different scenario, but claims it's because the person "lied on her profile" I inclined to believe that person is full of (edited).
Here is how I see this. I have recent pictures of myself that I don't think really look like me at my average everyday self. Some look a lot better and others not so much. Some people are really photogenic and others are not. The reason this is important is if you are going to give online dating a try, a reasonable person should understand up front their may be subtle or even not so subtle differences between a still photo and real life. What if someone used a professional portrait photo on her profile? Hair freshly done, make up perfect, etc. Anyone who thinks she looks like this all the time sort of deserves a let down really. What is someone uses a candid snapped at a casual moment as her profile, but showed up to a date all dolled up? Would you object to that?
Personally, I think it's about 10% because of the lying, and 90% because the person isn't attractive. I mean, if a woman lied and was thinner, younger and more attractive when you showed up, would you be pissed and leave because she lied?
"Wait a minute! You didn't tell me you were gorgeous! I'm outta here!"
"Wait a minute! You didn't tell me you were gorgeous! I'm outta here!"
I'm sure that must happen occasionally.
According to the Upstanding Men of CD (TM) they would stand up in rage, berate the beautiful woman for lying and storm out of there to complain online about how deceiving women are.
You are going to ask...right. I wish I could be a fly on the wall during that conversation. I also had dates show up that I did not think were as attractive in person as in their pictures. It goes both ways and if someone reacts one way to one scenario and another way to a different scenario, but claims it's because the person "lied on her profile" I inclined to believe that person is full of (edited).
Here is how I see this. I have recent pictures of myself that I don't think really look like me at my average everyday self. Some look a lot better and others not so much. Some people are really photogenic and others are not. The reason this is important is if you are going to give online dating a try, a reasonable person should understand up front their may be subtle or even not so subtle differences between a still photo and real life. What if someone used a professional portrait photo on her profile? Hair freshly done, make up perfect, etc. Anyone who thinks she looks like this all the time sort of deserves a let down really. What is someone uses a candid snapped at a casual moment as her profile, but showed up to a date all dolled up? Would you object to that?
subtle is different than extreme, which is what I am focusing on. And if the OP is telling the truth, if it appeared that this persons pictures were a couple of years old, then that is not subtle, especially if she does not look anywhere near what she did in the pictures. Any reasonable person would excuse a bad hair day, or not as much makeup, or the person has on glasses, when their pictures had them wearing contacts. But if someone shows up looking totally different than their pictures suggested, a person should at the least question as to why that is the case.
According to the Upstanding Men of CD (TM) they would stand up in rage, berate the beautiful woman for lying and storm out of there to complain online about how deceiving women are.
Ok now seriously time out....This is getting out of hand. I know I didn't say that, nor did anyone else. I don't mid anyone disagreeing with my opinion, but let's not make it seem like I or someone else said something they didn't
Ok now seriously time out....This is getting out of hand. I know I didn't say that, nor did anyone else. I don't mid anyone disagreeing with my opinion, but let's not make it seem like I or someone else said something they didn't
Did I mention you?
It was a general statement, not specific to you or anyone else.
This mostly applies to online dating though it can apply to blind dates. What do you do when your online date is much fatter or uglier than their picture? I had a situation like this recently. Went to a bar and couldn't find my date. I called her and she told me was at the bar. I finally make out which girl is her. Problem is that she was fatter than her pic. Like 20-30 lbs heavier. She didn't really look like her pic anymore. Clearly taken like 2 years ago. I gave her one glance up and down and told her this won't work out, then left the bar. She did text me later, but I was done with her. Whats the protocol in these situations.
She was very lucky to have you walk away. Seriously.
subtle is different than extreme, which is what I am focusing on. And if the OP is telling the truth, if it appeared that this persons pictures were a couple of years old, then that is not subtle, especially if she does not look anywhere near what she did in the pictures. Any reasonable person would excuse a bad hair day, or not as much makeup, or the person has on glasses, when their pictures had them wearing contacts. But if someone shows up looking totally different than their pictures suggested, a person should at the least question as to why that is the case.
First off, this particular OP has no credibility because his history of posting shallow and misogynistic ideas. But that's just this OP. To the larger point you are discussing, I think a definition of extreme is what we are missing. I would argue that for those using online dating as a genuine effort to meet someone, extreme examples do not exist to a reasonable observer. But again, it depends on how you define extreme, which is why I qualified "reasonable" observer.
I gave online dating a try for a while and it was a lot of fun. At no point when I agreed to meet in person did I ever have a remotely difficult time recognizing my date. It's not like I ever chatted with a white girl from her pics but when we met in person a black girl showed up. It is not like I ever thought the girl I was chatting with online was 120 pounds only to learn she was actually 300 when we met in person. I cited two occasions where I met two different dates who weighed more than I would have guessed from their pics, but I already knew they were overweight to begin with. Hell, one of them I even met on matchup site specifically for overweight women and those who pursued them. So it's not like I was mortified to discover they were heavier than I had expected.
People cite extreme examples, but again, I wonder hoe they define "extreme."
The OP is looking for validation. He wants to be told he did the right thing. But if the OP wants to be successful in dating, he needs to start by growing up. Yes, people lie. Welcome to the world of dating. I met a woman who posted pictures that were several years old. Did I feel mislead when I finally met her in person? Yes. But I didn't just walk out. I stayed, chatted with her for a little bit, and then politely ended the date. Someone earlier used the analogy of a job interview. I met with a company last year who lied about whether I'd be on-call for production support. Did I stomp out of the interview? No. Instead, I politely told them that I wasn't interested, thanked them for agreeing to meet, and left. In both cases, I tried to demonstrate something the OP clearly lacks. Class.
No one likes having their time wasted. But that's the risk you take when you agree to a date or a job interview. The OP keeps going on about how his precious time was wasted. You took the time to drive down there, but you couldn't stay for even 10 minutes?
And here's something else the OP ought to think about. People want to be left with some dignity when they're rejected. This is not a war where you need to wound your opponent before escaping. Going back to the job interview analogy. I applied for a job once that I knew was a long shot. I got an interview, but 5 minutes in, it was clear that I wasn't qualified. It was a humbling experience because I was getting almost all of their technical questions wrong. The manager ended the interview. I could tell that he felt like I had mislead about my expertise. And like the OP, he probably felt like I wasted his time. Now imagine if he had used that moment to tell me I was an idiot, that I should go back to school or switch careers. He didn't do that. Instead, he let me walk away with some dignity. That's what the OP took from the woman he rejected. Us men are used to rejection. It's part of dating. We know women will reject us if we're short, bald, overweight, etc. But what we hope is that they'll at least let us walk away not feeling completely worthless. The OP was unnecessarily cruel. Dishonesty isn't trivial and the OP had every right to be upset that this woman lied to him. But being a jerk is far worse than being a liar. Why do people lie in the world of dating? Often, it's because they're afraid of rejection. Why are people cruel? Apparently, because they see nothing wrong with it. I'll take the liar over the cruel person any day.
Last edited by DennyCrane; 09-19-2013 at 10:00 AM..
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