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Interestingly, that's exactly how I met a good male friend of mine.... who I then introduced to his now girlfriend who I went to college with.
He wasn't into me physically but we got along really well. Our paths crossed and he was a decent person who didn't just write me off because in person I wasn't his cup of tea. Because of that, he now has a girlfriend that he met through me.
So, by not being an ass you could be opening yourself up to friendships and a potentially larger social circle.
Of course, this means you'd have to look at women as actual people and not just as potential people to date/have sex with.
What's the point of this? It's just some random anecdotal story that doesn't offer anything to the discussion. That guy could have easily gotten a girlfriend even if he hadn't met you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
Of the people who think what the OP did was fine, how many of you would be OK with approaching someone who looks you up and down and turns away with a flat rejection? Or are feelings only important when they're yours?
Honestly, women can be just as harsh when rejecting guys: saying, "Eww, your breath stinks"; telling a guy outright he's creepy; whipping out their phone when he's in the middle of trying to talk to her; bluntly stating, "Not interested!" before letting the guy finish talking; rolling their eyes or saying, "Ugh!", to indicate she's disgusted that he's talking to her; using the "I have a boyfriend" excuse then having no problem giving her number to another guy she just met for ten minutes; and outright turning her back on the guy in the middle of a conversation.
On this forum, these "Why don't women ask men out?" threads pop up all the time. Women always say the rejection was too harsh so they didn't do it again. Men have to deal with harsh rejection from women all the time. And women can be extremely rude (and please don't say I am meeting the wrong women). But when a woman has to deal with the rejection from guys, the man is somehow classless. But a woman doesn't get reprimanded for this type of behavior.
Once again people are missing the point. The point isn't that she isn't his type. Yes that would be cruel to walk away. The point is SHE LIED. I don't walk away from men I'm not attracted to, I walk away from liars.
Honestly, women can be just as harsh when rejecting guys: saying, "Eww, your breath stinks"; telling a guy outright he's creepy; whipping out their phone when he's in the middle of trying to talk to her; bluntly stating, "Not interested!" before letting the guy finish talking; rolling their eyes or saying, "Ugh!", to indicate she's disgusted that he's talking to her; using the "I have a boyfriend" excuse then having no problem giving her number to another guy she just met for ten minutes; and outright turning her back on the guy in the middle of a conversation.
I agree that women can be cruel too; all the things you list are rude and hurtful. I'm definitely not claiming men are more harsh or mean.
I'm also not saying that capitol owed the woman a date or that he shouldn't have minded that she was untruthful, although I do think that two years and 20 pounds is not a big deal. Maybe he doesn't really know what 20 pounds looks like on a woman; it's understandable, a lot of men don't. Two years is even more difficult to detect. Did you look dramatically different at 28 and 30? Or 36 and 38? I don't know what age we're talking about, but come on. In the OP he could barely recognize her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBigGuy
On this forum, these "Why don't women ask men out?" threads pop up all the time. Women always say the rejection was too harsh so they didn't do it again. Men have to deal with harsh rejection from women all the time. And women can be extremely rude (and please don't say I am meeting the wrong women). But when a woman has to deal with the rejection from guys, the man is somehow classless. But a woman doesn't get reprimanded for this type of behavior.
Well, yes and no. I can think of one female poster who was slammed pretty hard for it a while back and a recent one who wasn't. But you can't jump from "that woman is rude" to "all women are rude, therefore it's OK to be rude to them first." That woman at the bar didn't do anything that any of us know about. If she was on the dating site for two years (not a crazy idea) her picture might be two years old. And if capitol did see an egregiously different person, she's clearly insecure about herself. There's no need to be mean about it. Do unto others, you know? Again, I'm not saying it's OK to lie but the thread isn't about that--it's about "what to do when your date is fatter/uglier/older than expected."
Once again people are missing the point. The point isn't that she isn't his type. Yes that would be cruel to walk away. The point is SHE LIED. I don't walk away from men I'm not attracted to, I walk away from liars.
I agree that women can be cruel too; all the things you list are rude and hurtful. I'm definitely not claiming men are more harsh or mean.
I'm also not saying that capitol owed the woman a date or that he shouldn't have minded that she was untruthful, although I do think that two years and 20 pounds is not a big deal. Maybe he doesn't really know what 20 pounds looks like on a woman; it's understandable, a lot of men don't. Two years is even more difficult to detect. Did you look dramatically different at 28 and 30? Or 36 and 38? I don't know what age we're talking about, but come on. In the OP he could barely recognize her.
Well, yes and no. I can think of one female poster who was slammed pretty hard for it a while back and a recent one who wasn't. But you can't jump from "that woman is rude" to "all women are rude, therefore it's OK to be rude to them first." That woman at the bar didn't do anything that any of us know about. If she was on the dating site for two years (not a crazy idea) her picture might be two years old. And if capitol did see an egregiously different person, she's clearly insecure about herself. There's no need to be mean about it. Do unto others, you know? Again, I'm not saying it's OK to lie but the thread isn't about that--it's about "what to do when your date is fatter/uglier/older than expected."
Quite an honest and insightful post. I appreciate it.
You say, "Do unto others..." But perhaps that's the way OP would have preferred it if it was done to him. Perhaps he would have preferred a quick rejection to frivolous chit-chat for 5-10 minutes. I believe the OP stated he'd prefer a quick rejection some pages back. This is from page 6:
Quote:
Originally Posted by capitol
If I lied about my pictures, my age, or said that I was 5 inches taller, I would expect her to do the same and wouldn't blame her. I have no problem if she lied about 1 or 2 inches in height, but not with misleading pictures.
So he did do unto others.
capitol's main argument is there isn't any point in wasting your time with someone who lies about their looks. I agree. People blatantly lying on online dating profiles is one of the biggest gripes about online dating. Perhaps if people just stopped giving these people the time of day this type of behavior would significantly decrease.
In fact I have class, which is why I would never consider a trashy low class sleazy man.
I like you most of the time but it's not for you to say whether you have class, because class is in the eye of the beholder, like beauty, stupidity, whatever.
I'm a musician and for a brief time, I tried to work with a woman who frequently referred to herself as a "consummate professional."
She didn't know how to throw a solo, take a cue and her time was that of a five year old. She stepped on solos and then stopped singing without throwing a solo to someone. She was as much as "consummate professional," as I am a kid person. She was a glorified karaoke singer, at best.
I see she's trying to find musicians (Craigslist reveals all) and not having much success. No surprise.
If you're classy, you don't say so, you allow people to observe and decide for themselves.
What's the point of chatting for 5-10 minutes? As capitol said, that's not even a date. That's frivolous small talk.
Imagine if you were in the shoes of capitol's date. The guy from online meets you, looks at you, and thinks, "Ugh. This chick does not look like her photos. I feel she deliberately mislead me. That both shows she's a liar and has low self-esteem. But I'm going to be a nice guy and chat with her for ten minutes before leaving." Then after the date is over a friend asks, "So, how was it?" And you say, "He chatted with me for 10 minutes before leaving. That must mean he found me unattractive from the start. But he wanted to be a nice guy by making pointless small talk to let me down easy. And I appreciate him for that."
The point is that civilized people do not behave like douchebags for the sake of behaving like douchebags.
Believe me, I've shown up on dates like that to men who were 10 years older, 40 pounds heavier, and four inches shorter than their profiles would lead people to believe. Because I was not raised in a barn, I behaved like a decent human being. I cut the date short, true, in that after I finished my soda, I said, "Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a great evening!" But I did not lower myself to behaving like a spoiled, ill-bred little ahole.
I've also been on the receiving end, in a way. When an online date suggested, after 10 minutes, that I take him back to my place, I said no. He then excused himself to go to the bathroom and never came back, without paying for his beer. The bartender saw this, as did a fellow sitting on the other side of me. I did not have to pay the tab, the bartender said if he ever saw that guy in the bar again he'd find a way to take a whiz in the guy's beer and serve it to him, and I dated the other fellow briefly.
People who behave as Capitol did in this situation make the world uglier, not better. He should be ashamed of himself, as should those who are cheering him on. No wonder some of you are forever alone.
That was really ignorant. Sounds like SHE dodged a bullet...
I'm as shallow as the next guy, but I have to agree, although, ignorant is not really the proper word to be using in this context. Perhaps simply going with rude is the best bet. On the other hand she really asked for it by posting old pictures of herself when she was thin. What did she think was going to happen?
The point is that civilized people do not behave like douchebags for the sake of behaving like douchebags.
Believe me, I've shown up on dates like that to men who were 10 years older, 40 pounds heavier, and four inches shorter than their profiles would lead people to believe. Because I was not raised in a barn, I behaved like a decent human being. I cut the date short, true, in that after I finished my soda, I said, "Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a great evening!" But I did not lower myself to behaving like a spoiled, ill-bred little ahole.
I've also been on the receiving end, in a way. When an online date suggested, after 10 minutes, that I take him back to my place, I said no. He then excused himself to go to the bathroom and never came back, without paying for his beer. The bartender saw this, as did a fellow sitting on the other side of me. I did not have to pay the tab, the bartender said if he ever saw that guy in the bar again he'd find a way to take a whiz in the guy's beer and serve it to him, and I dated the other fellow briefly.
People who behave as Capitol did in this situation make the world uglier, not better. He should be ashamed of himself, as should those who are cheering him on. No wonder some of you are forever alone.
And the people who lie on dating sites about their looks are alone too. They deliberately lie about their looks. Is that not behaving like a douchebag? Does it make the world less ugly and a better place when you buy drinks and have small talk with douchebag liars as a way of rewarding their bad behavior?
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