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First and foremost, though, is that according to the Association of Psychological Science -- which has actually studied the effectiveness of OLD -- the purported "algorithms" these sites use don't match people based on the two key things needed for a successful LT relationship: a person's ability to communicate effectively and how well he or she responds to stressful relationship situations.
This is true. Then again, it's also true that meeting people through friends, work, activities, or bars doesn't match you based on communication style or response to stressful situations, either. That's why you go on dates to learn this stuff about people!
The problem isn't the dating sites, it's people's expectations of them. (To be fair, these expectations are driven somewhat by the marketing the sites use.) People have to understand that all the websites do is facilitate meeting, same as friends, bars, parties, sports, work, or any other way of meeting people. After that, you're on your own in getting to know them. The benefit of the sites is that they allow you to meet WAY MORE people than those other things, at least potentially. It's a bigger pool- nothing more and nothing less.
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Originally Posted by Melissa78703
Looking back on it, the reason my ex-S.O. and I didn't work out was because I neglected these two very important factors and based our relationship on superficial things that we had in common.
It doesn't sound like your mistake was using a dating site. It sounds like your mistake was thinking that the superficial commonalities made you a good match. I've fallen in that trap in the past, too, but it can happen just as easily when meeting people offline, IME.
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Originally Posted by Melissa78703
I think that had I met him IRL first, through mutual friends or at the workplace, I would have soon picked up on the fact that he's a poor communicator and that he is just not really good under duress.
It's interesting to me that you make this assumption. How would these things have been more clear on your dates after meeting through friends or work than they were on your dates after meeting online?
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Originally Posted by Melissa78703
Are there any other people who wouldn't choose to use this way to meet a prospective love interest? If so, what are your reasons?
It's the opposite for me. I can't imagine dating without the larger pool that the internet provides. I still meet people the more traditional ways, but it's a relatively small number of people by comparison. Without the internet to supplement it I'd probably have a date every few weeks or months when I happened to meet somebody new that I liked. With the internet I can have a date just about any time I want.
How does it differ, in respect to effective communication and handing stress, than bumping into someone at Trader Joe's? It's a good way to screen potential dates or matches, but it doesn't do the work for you, the work involved in getting to know these aspects of a person.
I can't say meeting a guy at the movies would prove to be more beneficial or be an indicator of anything other than, well, attraction since nothing else can be gathered from that instant, first meeting. Substitute that for any other situation where I'd meet someone for the first time. Getting approached at a restaurant or at a cafe. We'd still have to build a rapport and/or set up a first date, and things progress from there, right?
I see you beat me to it-- well said. (I posted my last message before reading the whole thread.) It sounds like our views of this are similar. I tried to rep you, but it wouldn't let me.
Without the internet to supplement it I'd probably have a date every few weeks or months when I happened to meet somebody new that I liked. With the internet I can have a date just about any time I want.
That's actually another part of the problem with online dating. Again, the ASP research indicates that it encouraging a "shopping" mentality, fostering commoditization of people. Dating should be hard! Who says that you have to go on a date whenever you want -- or that this is even a healthy thing to be doing? I would rather have one quality date a month than four that feel like a big waste of time, or that end up with me sitting across from a married dude.
I'm the inverse of you. I get what I want out of real life, and I tended to have some of my time wasted online. I definitely get where you're coming from and it seems to work well for you.
Oh, I've had my time wasted. The dating scene, whether on or offline, is not without its share of duds. However, I'm realistic. My social circle is made up of married individuals with children. The only singles I know are women <25, and they're mere acquaintances. Are there ways to meet people offline? Of course. I'm sure this would have worked great for me many years ago when I was at a different stage of life. The people I happened to be interested in were people I worked with or worked in my area or people I ran into on a regular basis (cafe owner's son).
There are also meetup groups for the various things I'm interested in; however, it is still a selection/screening process no different than online dating. I'd have to narrow it down to available men, and then available men in the age range I prefer. And factoring in attraction, compatibility, wanting similar things, being at similar stages of life. Even the basics takes a lot of time to discover and get to know. I want to know the heavy stuff from the get-go, not a few weeks or more in. I'm likely not going to ask a guy I recently met what his politics are or what his views are on important matters.
Forgoing online dating narrows the pool of options. I actually know far less about the hypothetical guy I meet at a Gamers meetup than the guy I check out or build a rapport with via online. I have no problem meeting "nice guys" the "traditional" way at all, but it would make for a less efficient process from my perspective. As picky as I am, I know it's highly unlikely I'd meet someone I'm attracted to and extremely compatible with on multiple levels via the "traditional" way.
There are hits and misses no matter what medium is used. I just like practicality and efficiency.
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Originally Posted by Melissa78703
Obviously, that's why Match.com tried to "match" me with my abusive ex-husband. Everything in his profile was a lie. He described himself as "kind". I'll always remember that. I don't think so.
People go for the hard sell in their profiles. You'll find everything that they think is good about them and their lives. What I find troubling is that so many people on these sites tend to get inadvertently braggy about their accomplishments. "I hiked all over the Middle East." What does this tell me about them, other than they once had the time and the money for such pursuits?
Oh, I definitely understand that. I actually poke fun at these sort of profiles in my profile. I'm not drawn to these types, and can't really identify with them. It is a hard sell, and there's a lot of marketing involved in the average online dating people. While it's interesting to read about people, I am rarely impressed with this standard marketing technique. So many are very cookie cutter. I tend to prefer the ones that are very detailed, thorough, yet humble and lighthearted. The things that truly interest me would probably make most people roll their eyes.
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Looking at a lot of these profiles, you'd think that OLDaters have these wonderful, perfect lives willed with excitement and adventure, when in fact, most of the days of the year, they're just schlepping away at life at the 8-to-5 and having drinks with their BFFs on the weekends. I just can't lie like that. I have great moments, but for the most part, I'm just trying to take care of myself, financially and physically. I just can't make myself do the super-positive "spin".
My sentiments exactly. I see a lot of these profiles, and I can't help but laugh at them or shake my head. A good chunk of the men are wanna-be Indiana Jones, and the women are wanna-be Lara Crofts. I love the movies (and games), but I am neither, and neither are they. My life is not glamorous nor terribly exciting in the way so many people portray. I lay that all out there so as to not give off any misrepresentation.
I've come across a lot of what you describe, especially where I live in So Cal. But there are a few good, genuine men out there that don't attempt to try so hard to "sell" themselves, or at least a false image or representation.
Last edited by Metaphysique; 01-24-2014 at 04:28 PM..
Hmm, I never got any hatred about the child issue. I guess at least one bad thing I didn't have to experience.
I found it scary that so many guys between 35-45 posted that their longest relationship was 1-2 years.
That's a bit unfair to those with no/limited experience. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. If you can't get a dance partner what then? Is that person instantly a pariah?
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Originally Posted by nearnorth
The problem isn't the dating sites, it's people's expectations of them. (To be fair, these expectations are driven somewhat by the marketing the sites use.) People have to understand that all the websites do is facilitate meeting, same as friends, bars, parties, sports, work, or any other way of meeting people. After that, you're on your own in getting to know them. The benefit of the sites is that they allow you to meet WAY MORE people than those other things, at least potentially. It's a bigger pool- nothing more and nothing less.
I think people's expectations on dating sites are why you see so many of those who brag that they travel to Tibet on the weekend and save poor orphans on Wednesday nights in their profiles. Everyone feels they have to "Keep up with the Jones's" just to have a shot.
My sentiments exactly. I see a lot of these profiles, and I can't help but laugh at them or shake my head. A good chunk of the men are wanna-be Indiana Jones, and the women are wanna-be Lara Crofts. I love the movies (and games), but I am neither, and neither are they. My life is not glamorous nor terribly exciting in the way so many people portray. I lay that all out there so as to not give off any misrepresentation.
Yeah, I recently lurked on the OLD site my ex re-signed up for (and probably was on for quite a while when we were together), and he marketed himself like that as well. During the entire time we were together, he never went white-water rafting, skiing, zip-lining, etc. I guess I should have seen the signs, right?
My bluntness makes me a poor sell on these sites, though. I get out and about quite a lot for my job, as well as other social events. I work for a major research university and come into contact with a lot of academically-minded folks. Once I'm ready to date again -- and that will be a long time -- I'm sure I won't have any problem, as I never did before.
I think people's expectations on dating sites are why you see so many of those who brag that they travel to Tibet on the weekend and save poor orphans on Wednesday nights in their profiles. Everyone feels they have to "Keep up with the Jones's" just to have a shot.
Exactly, and that makes for one big false representation. If so many people are doing that, who's for real anymore? Honestly, if I wrote a profile about my life -- who I really am, what I do, and what I enjoy doing in my spare time -- it would make for a Zzzzz read.
That's a bit unfair to those with no/limited experience. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. If you can't get a dance partner what then? Is that person instantly a pariah?
Yeah, I recently lurked on the OLD site my ex re-signed up for (and probably was on for quite a while when we were together), and he marketed himself like that as well. During the entire time we were together, he never went white-water rafting, skiing, zip-lining, etc. I guess I should have seen the signs, right?
My bluntness makes me a poor sell on these sites, though. I get out and about quite a lot for my job, as well as other social events. I work for a major research university and come into contact with a lot of academically-minded folks. Once I'm ready to date again -- and that will be a long time -- I'm sure I won't have any problem, as I never did before.
Yes, I'd imagine I would have more confidence or at least a better overall experience if I were in a similar setting or circle.
I think my poor sell is why I am tough to swallow for many. I detract more than I attract potential suitors.
I wonder what kind of cross section of the population uses online dating sites. I wonder the same thing about other internet sites, such as this one. Am I seeing the "normal" population or some sort of an interesting cross section?
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