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I have sworn off OLD sites several times as I've found I'm just not thick skinned enough for them. My first attempt was eHarmony and I was one of the 25% of people who are rejected because they can't be matched with anyone else in the system. Then I tried Match and was rejected from them too, though the email didn't specify what exactly was wrong with my profile.
Not to be deterred, I tried OKC and even Craiglist. Few very "hits" but it turned out I wasn't ready to date again yet so I waited over a year and tried again. This time around, eHarmony taught me all about fake profiles. Didn't get anywhere with Match or OKC either-with OKC mainly because I wasn't interested in being a FWB/FB. Also learned that Match advertises old and inactive profiles as active.
Tried Match again last year. 3 months, just over 1,000 profile views and a total of two messages-both from scammers. The overall experience has left me feeling like the most unattractive woman to ever live and I know that's not true. However, I have consented to let two of my friends (neither of whom are single) post and manage a profile on POF for me-mainly because I think it will finally get them to get off my back about how "easy" it is to meet someone. Not sure if they've gotten around to that yet or not and I don't really care enough to ask. I did a search last weekend of what would be my most basic ideal (35-45, no drinking-I'm allergic to yeast and sulfites and prefer a partner who doesn't drink either, no smoking, no drugs, doesn't have kids and likes dogs-I have two of them) and got 12 matches. I don't live in Small Town, USA either. I live in a Metro area with just under 3 million.
On the contrast, my BFF joined Match last March, met a guy within two weeks and married him on NYE.
Everyone I have dated (all 5 of them going back to HS-only one was long term; he died 6 years ago), I have met in real life and when I wasn't looking so that seems to be what works for me. I was hoping if I get a second chance at love, we'd be friends first and something would develop from there but that doesn't seem to be in the cards either.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Well, if you insist on no drinking, unless you're in recovery or super religious, you're going to have issues. I drink only a couple of times a month now, if that, but I wouldn't want to date someone that has a think against it. You have fairly precise dealbreakers. And this stinks for you, I know, but I also avoid people (and know many that do) that have lots of allergies. I'm not saying you're like this, but so many of those people I met have various ailments (fibromyalgia (sp?), IBS, etc)) and have limited physical fitness, and they're a drag to try to do things with, especially go out and eat and travel with as there is always another concern to worry about.
Again, not saying you're like that, but in the world of OLD, those are often things people filter out as they're often flags.
Well, if you insist on no drinking, unless you're in recovery or super religious, you're going to have issues. I drink only a couple of times a month now, if that, but I wouldn't want to date someone that has a think against it. You have fairly precise dealbreakers. And this stinks for you, I know, but I also avoid people (and know many that do) that have lots of allergies. I'm not saying you're like this, but so many of those people I met have various ailments (fibromyalgia (sp?), IBS, etc)) and have limited physical fitness, and they're a drag to try to do things with, especially go out and eat and travel with as there is always another concern to worry about.
Again, not saying you're like that, but in the world of OLD, those are often things people filter out as they're often flags.
I don't insist on no drinking, but I do like to see if there are others out there who don't drink or drink rarely. I grew up with alcoholic parents and am not comfortable with someone who has to have a drink everyday or who can't go out and have a good time without drinking. And I do realize this does limit my options, just as I'm sure I was filtered out by a lot of men by putting I don't drink in my profile questions, though if anyone actually read my profile, I did explain I don't drink because of allergies and don't mind if he does.
Smoking and drugs are dealbreakers for a lot of people I know. Incidentally, when I joined Match the last time, the only thing I put as a definite dealbreaker was smoking and the first dozen or so men to check out my profile were all smokers. It was enough that I double checked my settings to make sure it was the way I wanted it (in a previous stint with Match, they changed the age range I was looking for, increasing it so I appeared to be looking for men in their late 40's and 50's instead of 30-42 so I didn't completely trust them as it was).
NW Girl, there are guys out there who grew up in alcoholic homes and don't drink, and others who don't drink simply because they're not into it, never were into the party scene, or whatever. They may not be easy to find, but they exist. The question is: are those guys compatible, would you click with them, etc., just because they don't drink.
There was a thread here just a week or so ago with a video by a woman who analyzed OLD down to minute details, and came up with a winning formula for how to create a successful profile. She got no responses, no messages, nothing with her first profile. Then after studying other women's profiles, she got herself new pix, changed her wording to catchier, upbeat phrases, tweaked some other stuff, and landed her dream guy. And she had some pretty limiting criteria (Jewish, but progressive, for one thing). It was a TED talk on how to outsmart OLD. I thought of you when I saw it.
NW Girl, there are guys out there who grew up in alcoholic homes and don't drink, and others who don't drink simply because they're not into it, never were into the party scene, or whatever. They may not be easy to find, but they exist. The question is: are those guys compatible, would you click with them, etc., just because they don't drink.
There was a thread here just a week or so ago with a video by a woman who analyzed OLD down to minute details, and came up with a winning formula for how to create a successful profile. She got no responses, no messages, nothing with her first profile. Then after studying other women's profiles, she got herself new pix, changed her wording to catchier, upbeat phrases, tweaked some other stuff, and landed her dream guy. And she had some pretty limiting criteria (Jewish, but progressive, for one thing). It was a TED talk on how to outsmart OLD. I thought of you when I saw it.
And this is where it all lies. I've had people that were pretty high matches for me with what OLD deems compatible, and when we would meet up, we weren't all that compatible afterall. Lets not forget, that once we hit our late 20s and beyond we are looking for more meat and potatoes in a partner. We are looking for someone who we can make a better person and vice versa. You can't hold on to hope anymore, because hope has a tendency to not only require time, but also waste it. When time starts to become more valuable, you rather be single than go out on a bunch of dates that just don't go anywhere. It just is what it is. When you stop dating for pure options, much like what NW Girl is doing, you definitely lower your amount of suitors. You do this for the hope that the peopple you do come into contact with are much more compatible with you. For you, and hopefully the other person, will make dating a lot more pleasurable.
I don't understand this "dating mode" concept. I'm a guy, I'm alive, I'm human... all the time. What mode is there?
Consider this analogy: you are selling your house, and have placed it on the market. You scrupulously clean and redecorate, to create a pleasing ambiance for potential buyers. You avoid engaging in hobbies that might make a mess. You don’t host dinner parties at home. You arrange to be absent whenever the real estate agent calls with warning that clients are about to visit. You revise the landscaping and slave over the lawn. In essence, you don’t really live there anymore. It’s no longer truly your house. It has become a showplace to which you tend, and which of necessity you still occupy, but which you no longer actively enjoy.
My house is always for sale. I don’t particularly care for it, but it suits me enough to maintain ownership without scurrying to do anything about it. It isn’t listed, it isn’t advertised. But I certainly would not mind disposing of it, if given a sufficient offer.
So there is the mode of "I must scramble to sell my house right now, by any means necessary". And there's the mode of "If a buyer comes along, that's all to the best. Otherwise I'll continue residing in my present abode".
I have sworn off OLD sites several times as I've found I'm just not thick skinned enough for them. My first attempt was eHarmony and I was one of the 25% of people who are rejected because they can't be matched with anyone else in the system. Then I tried Match and was rejected from them too, though the email didn't specify what exactly was wrong with my profile.
"Rejected" by Match and eHarmony, hmm. That's an ego blow, indeed. My condolences, no one needs that.
This is a great thread, I'm one of the guys on the other end dealing with you (so to speak: I'll use the collective "you" in this post, in a general and non-pejorative context).
In contrast to many of the experiences I've read about here, OLD is a splendid vehicle for my purposes. I am not 1) creepy 2) sex-obsessed 3) otherwise nefarious, but do have a difficult time meeting eligible professional women sociably. My profession is male-dominated, to say the least.
I don't necessarily wish to "get married" either, however. What happened to, "let's date and see what happens" without an agenda, but also not FWB or other silliness/inappropriateness.
I'm in my mid-40s and upfront about what I have going on: plenty, but not so much there isn't time for a lady, too.
Amusing observations, OLD off-and-on since about 1997 in between some great relationships:
* Most of you seem to assume what I post is a pack of lies, amusingly enough, and I genuinely enjoy your interrogations on the first few dates. Perhaps I'm a bit too literal in my ad...
* The look on your collective faces when-discovered I'm *not* "selling" a pack of lies is equally enjoyable, however.
* Many women self-select themselves away because I've never been married, nor have any interest in children (having, or dealing-with), or drink. Fair enough, that's why I lead with these things.
A man's OLD manifesto should go something like the below. To your credit, ladies, the majority of you do these things very well indeed:
1. Post accurate, recent pictures. Chubby or not, hair or not, etc.
2. Write well, think about your words. Write like a gentleman, you will catch the attention of equally-honorable women. Write like a bum, well...like calls to like.
3. Write softly, so to speak. Courtesy at all times.
4. Heart size matter much more than photos of the car or junk. In fact, bury the latter two items. Permanently.
5. Respect her boundaries, respect her time. Patience, follow-up/follow-through, be there when you say you will.
I wonder if part of NWGirl's issue is that she had too many requirements. I'm not judging because I did too. I'm not a stickler for drinking (I drink socially and lately more and more but not a problem drinker)but there are men out there who don't drink. Smoking was a big issue with me too as I suffer from bronchitis and can't breathe when people smoke, but managed to find lots of men online who didn't smoke. I also found lots of men with pets too. The problem I encountered more than any was the no kids issue. Most of the men who contacted me had kids. I knew I would either had to loosen my view on that or possibly strike out online by waiting and I stood my ground. I did end up going up with a few childless men but there was no chemistry. I quit online dating and have never felt better.
I don't necessarily wish to "get married" either, however. What happened to, "let's date and see what happens" without an agenda, but also not FWB or other silliness/inappropriateness ... Many women self-select themselves away because I've never been married, nor have any interest in children (having, or dealing-with), or drink.
From what you've written, OLD actually hasn't worked for you, or else you wouldn't be a repeat customer.
If the goal of meeting and falling in love is to find one person for life, OLD is not the way to go, IMHO. Too many serial monogamists, and we can dress this up any way we like, but basically, it's a LT friends with benefits arrangement.
From what you've written, OLD actually hasn't worked for you, or else you wouldn't be a repeat customer.
If the goal of meeting and falling in love is to find one person for life, OLD is not the way to go, IMHO. Too many serial monogamists, and we can dress this up any way we like, but basically, it's a LT friends with benefits arrangement.
I found a lot of men like that where they wanted to be in a string of long term relationships without marriage. Not my thing as I wanted marriage and didn't want to date several men for several months then move onto someone else. Been there, done that.
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