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Weird. In all the time I spent in the dating scene I never had irrational fears of being kidnapped and chopped up or put into a stew. Really? C'mon.
The whole messaging back and forth for weeks before setting up a date makes no sense and defeats the purpose of actually meeting people. If you're so darn scared, timid, shy or possess irrational fears, then that method, and probably others, is not the way to go. Don't waste people's time by being confused, unsure and flaky.
Just like a lot of men are believed to be disingenuous about their objectives, a lot of women are said to be flaky, aloof, confused and/or just attention-seeking. People who behave in this way make it difficult for the people who are legit and honest.
Weird. In all the time I spent in the dating scene I never had irrational fears of being kidnapped and chopped up or put into a stew. Really? C'mon.
The whole messaging back and forth for weeks before setting up a date makes no sense and defeats the purpose of actually meeting people. If you're so darn scared, timid, shy or possess irrational fears, then that method, and probably others, is not the way to go. Don't waste people's time by being confused, unsure and flaky.
Just like a lot of men are believed to be disingenuous about their objectives, a lot of women are said to be flaky, aloof, confused and/or just attention-seeking. People who behave in this way make it difficult for the people who are legit and honest.
Yes ma'am. This is where my frustration truly started to set in. I can deal with going on a date and there being absolutely no chemistry. Most of my dates never ended up that way. Most of them there was interest, but the person was scared or just not ready to commit the time and effort to truly get to know me. In the end, they were more comfortable just chatting with several guys and being super casual. For me, that was just a large waste of my time. I was happy for the date, but I wouldn't even went on the date if I knew that super casual was their honest intentions.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,981,862 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
Weird. In all the time I spent in the dating scene I never had irrational fears of being kidnapped and chopped up or put into a stew. Really? C'mon.
The whole messaging back and forth for weeks before setting up a date makes no sense and defeats the purpose of actually meeting people. If you're so darn scared, timid, shy or possess irrational fears, then that method, and probably others, is not the way to go. Don't waste people's time by being confused, unsure and flaky.
Just like a lot of men are believed to be disingenuous about their objectives, a lot of women are said to be flaky, aloof, confused and/or just attention-seeking. People who behave in this way make it difficult for the people who are legit and honest.
I think a huge problem with people who OLD is that the selection is so vast, that they (think they) can be super picky. Sometimes you have to concede a few things on the requirement list to find that special person. It's not exactly "settling", rather coming to the realization that there is no perfect person out there. Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses.
I agree with this. And I think this is where the shopping analogy comes in to play again. I bought a car in October. I did some research and knew the make, model, year, trim style, price range and color I wanted. I also wanted the lowest possible miles. Some probably thought I was being unrealistic with my list. It took about a month but I found the exact car I wanted.
I think people apply that to OLD and that spills over to meeting others in real life as well. I've recently had two friends tell me they aren't having luck with OLD because the people they're meeting don't meet their checklist of the perfect partner so they just move on to the next one without really taking time to get to know the first one. You don't meet Criteria #7? Next!
The one lesson I learned from my late hubby is what I thought was perfect for me and what actually was perfect for me were two completely different things. He broke all my "rules" but if I'd stuck to them, I would have missed out on 8 years with a great man. Like everyone else, I have my preferences, but I also have the experience that tells me I need to be willing to toss the checklist if I don't want to potentially miss out.
I think people apply that to OLD and that spills over to meeting others in real life as well. I've recently had two friends tell me they aren't having luck with OLD because the people they're meeting don't meet their checklist of the perfect partner so they just move on to the next one without really taking time to get to know the first one. You don't meet Criteria #7? Next! ... Like everyone else, I have my preferences, but I also have the experience that tells me I need to be willing to toss the checklist if I don't want to potentially miss out.
That's precisely why I stay away from it. OLD was skewing how I perceived the "perfect" mate, and I realized that it was having this effect. I was also aware that I was discounting people who might be really good people just because they didn't meet Criteria 2, 11, 13, etc.
The funny thing is, OLDaters almost always think of what they can get out of a person, not what they have to offer. They're thinking about how the other person matches up to their expectations. They're not considering the fact that there's another person on the other end of the table who has equally as specific criteria as theirs, and that they might fall short. Hence, rarely does anything ever come of it.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,981,862 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703
The funny thing is, OLDaters almost always think of what they can get out of a person, not what they have to offer. They're thinking about how the other person matches up to their expectations. They're not considering the fact that there's another person on the other end of the table who has equally as specific criteria as theirs, and that they might fall short. Hence, rarely does anything ever come of it.
This is absolutely no different than real life meeting. It's the same thing.
This is absolutely no different than real life meeting. It's the same thing.
I respectfully disagree.
One of my exes -- the one I am most fond of -- had numerous "deal breakers" that would have caused me to completely overlook him, had he been on an OLD site. He was chubby, for one. Outdoor smoker. Non-vegetarian -- in fact, he was a ravenous carnivore, preferring steak, barbecue, and other things that make me go "Ick!" But he and I were perfectly in synch, personality-wise, lifestyle-wise, etc. It was just the wrong time of our lives for us to meet. We still talk about getting back together some day, in fact. He still has all of the same "deal breakers", which turned out to be nothing at all, in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I would have passed over ALL of the men who interest me if I'd seen their OLD profiles.
One of my exes -- the one I am most fond of -- had numerous "deal breakers" that would have caused me to completely overlook him, had he been on an OLD site. He was chubby, for one. Outdoor smoker. Non-vegetarian -- in fact, he was a ravenous carnivore, preferring steak, barbecue, and other things that make me go "Ick!" But he and I were perfectly in synch, personality-wise, lifestyle-wise, etc. It was just the wrong time of our lives for us to meet. We still talk about getting back together some day, in fact. He still has all of the same "deal breakers", which turned out to be nothing at all, in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I would have passed over ALL of the men who interest me if I'd seen their OLD profiles.
This point definitely has some validity. I've had luck with women in person, because sometimes they are more willing to take a chance. Say for instance you two are both at the bar. Your friend knows her friend, so you join their table or booth. You can't really play that game online. I can't use my digital connection to connect like I can in real life. With real life, you're seeing a lot of the package up front. You can't hide if you're skinny, fat, muscular, bald, bad dresser, bad breath, obnoxious, shy, mousy, or anything else you can think of. You're getting a much more complete picture in real life.
Online, there's still a large level of mystery that you may never get to see for a number of reasons. They may intially find you interesting, but find someone else more interesting the next day. The same thing can happen in real life as well, but I think you have a better chance of pleading your case in real life compared to just online.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,981,862 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703
I respectfully disagree.
One of my exes -- the one I am most fond of -- had numerous "deal breakers" that would have caused me to completely overlook him, had he been on an OLD site. He was chubby, for one. Outdoor smoker. Non-vegetarian -- in fact, he was a ravenous carnivore, preferring steak, barbecue, and other things that make me go "Ick!" But he and I were perfectly in synch, personality-wise, lifestyle-wise, etc. It was just the wrong time of our lives for us to meet. We still talk about getting back together some day, in fact. He still has all of the same "deal breakers", which turned out to be nothing at all, in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I would have passed over ALL of the men who interest me if I'd seen their OLD profiles.
You didn't read what I was responding to. I wasn't responding to deal breakers.
Online, there's still a large level of mystery that you may never get to see for a number of reasons. They may intially find you interesting, but find someone else more interesting the next day. The same thing can happen in real life as well, but I think you have a better chance of pleading your case in real life compared to just online.
I can tell within five minutes of conversation with someone if our communication styles are in synch, and this is one of the main things that attracts me to someone -- how well he communicates. And not just how well he communicates, but what he talks about (does he use small talk, or does he dive right into a more profound topic?), how open he is, how funny, how witty, etc. It's obvious to me when people are emotionally closed off from their body language. Even how they deal with conflict, e.g., two other friends arguing at the same table: Do they take sides? Do they try to mediate?
And no, it doesn't always work out. But, because I chose people with similar communication styles and methods of dealing with difficult situations, I have always found closure at the end of these relationships.
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