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Yeah, I know that almost every time I meet a man that I find attractive, he's already married, and these guys are anywhere from mid-20s to early 30s.
I see it as not many people want to go through life alone and by themselves. I live in the South and many people are married or committed by the time they are mid to late 20s. Doesn't matter if it's undergrad, grad school, med school, or whatever. Most people tend to pair up and one partner moves to where ever the other partner gets transferred.
The 30 and single with no kids is somewhat rare in my parts. Most men and women have kids by that age, whether they are a part of their lives or not.
I see it as not many people want to go through life alone and by themselves. I live in the South and many people are married or committed by the time they are mid to late 20s. Doesn't matter if it's undergrad, grad school, med school, or whatever. Most people tend to pair up and one partner moves to where ever the other partner gets transferred.
The 30 and single with no kids is somewhat rare in my parts. Most men and women have kids by that age, whether they are a part of their lives or not.
I live in a pretty progressive large US city and most people my age and younger (~5 years) appear to be either married or in LTRs.
I see it as not many people want to go through life alone and by themselves. I live in the South and many people are married or committed by the time they are mid to late 20s. Doesn't matter if it's undergrad, grad school, med school, or whatever. Most people tend to pair up and one partner moves to where ever the other partner gets transferred.
The 30 and single with no kids is somewhat rare in my parts. Most men and women have kids by that age, whether they are a part of their lives or not.
Most people don't want to go through life alone, but pairing up by mid-to-late 20's isn't that easy for some. I'm not sure how all those young singles where you live manage to pull it off.
How many of those "early" marriages (a relative term, I know) last beyond the 30's, are you able to give us a ball-park estimate?
Most people don't want to go through life alone, but pairing up by mid-to-late 20's isn't that easy for some. I'm not sure how all those young singles where you live manage to pull it off.
How many of those "early" marriages (a relative term, I know) last beyond the 30's, are you able to give us a ball-park estimate?
My friends that were conservative Baptist have all been married 7+ years. Both parties knew they wanted to get married and wanted to marry the person they married. Divorce isn't an option for them, but also their family values reflected that too. They all grew up in two parent households.
Now, for my friends who aren't very religious or experienced divorce in their family, had a tendency not to last. I have my share of friends who married at 23 and were divorced by 26. Then I have acquaintances that couldn't remain married for 3 years if they had too. Makes me wonder why they even got married in the first place.
I'd say I have 5 friends who fit the religious mold who have stayed married no matter what, but they also tended to stay away from things that would cause conflicts for their marriage. Any decision they make, it's made with their partners feelings number one. All of them seem to be super happy with each other and love married life and parent life together.
For all my other friends, I can't even count how many are divorced. Some made it 3 years, 5 years, 7 years, 10 years, etc. In the end, they viewed marriage very differently than my conservative Baptist friends, but I think the value system was different.
My friends that were conservative Baptist have all been married 7+ years. Both parties knew they wanted to get married and wanted to marry the person they married. Divorce isn't an option for them, but also their family values reflected that too. They all grew up in two parent households.
Now, for my friends who aren't very religious or experienced divorce in their family, had a tendency not to last. I have my share of friends who married at 23 and were divorced by 26. Then I have acquaintances that couldn't remain married for 3 years if they had too. Makes me wonder why they even got married in the first part.
I'd say I have 5 friends who fit the religious mold who have stayed married no matter what, but they also tended to stay away from things that would cause conflicts for their marriage. Any decision they make, it's made with their partners feelings number one. All of them seem to be super happy with each other and love married life and parent life together.
For all my other friends, I can't even count how many are divorced. Some made it 3 years, 5 years, 7 years, 10 years, etc. In the end, they viewed marriage very differently than my conservative Baptist friends, but I think the value system was different.
Thanks for the thoughtful answer. So it sounds that for the non-religious ones, there's societal pressure to marry at that age, so they do. Then 3-5-7 years later, they're divorced, and stuck wondering why they bothered in the first place. Those people would benefit from a more flexible environment that allowed somewhat later marriages. Some of those people may have done fine if they'd had, or had perceived, the option to wait until 30 to marry.
Thanks for the thoughtful answer. So it sounds that for the non-religious ones, there's societal pressure to marry at that age, so they do. Then 3-5-7 years later, they're divorced, and stuck wondering why they bothered in the first place. Those people would benefit from a more flexible environment that allowed somewhat later marriages. Some of those people may have done fine if they'd had, or had perceived, the option to wait until 30 to marry.
My first ex of last year, married at 20. Her marriage lasted 10 years. They ultimately divorced, because she didn't turn out to be what he envisioned in his head. He ultimately cheated on her with other women. Most of the divorces within my friend circle or just people I know, came because someone was "bored" of the partner they had. They saw every other man/woman as "Oooohhh, a piece of candy!" I don't know all the details of the ends and outs of their marriage, but it seemed most of them dealt with some level(s) of infidelity.
My first ex of last year, married at 20. Her marriage lasted 10 years. They ultimately divorced, because she didn't turn out to be what he envisioned in his head. He ultimately cheated on her with other women. Most of the divorces within my friend circle or just people I know, came because someone was "bored" of the partner they had. They saw every other man/woman as "Oooohhh, a piece of candy!" I don't know all the details of the ends and outs of their marriage, but it seemed most of them dealt with some level(s) of infidelity.
Well, these are good reasons to wait for more maturity before marrying. People need to get out of their head, and get real with the person they think they want to marry; open their eyes and get a realistic view. That's what long engagements are for. And the ones who got "bored" just weren't mature enough yet, either. Which isn't unusual at the age at which they got married, it's not like it's a personal flaw, exactly. It's just a developmental stage.
Our minds are conditioned to how we think. His most meaningful relationships have came from a certain way of thinking. Truth be told, the relationships that worked for me were ones where the women wanted a relationship first and foremost. As in, they were dating to meet that special someone. They'd know within the first or second date if the person was someone that they wanted to endure a 3rd or 4th date with.
Granted, everyone is different, but those are the types of women I've been into. The OP is having a hard time with someone who goes against that. He's too invested in her and she's not to that point yet. The sad part is, by the time she got to that point, he would have likely lost interest in her. It's a fundamental problem between him and her. She's probably lukewarm on him, while he's more red hot on her. She's probably had guys she was red hot on and they were lukewarm on her.
She probably likes the OP, but just isn't into him, or feeling it the way she wants to feel it, with a red hot guy. I don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting to take things slow, but at the same time, it's like pulling teeth for the OP. It's just not fun for him. Generally, if I'm taking things really slow like that, I have a take it or leave it attitude with that person. This is what I'm willing to give, you can either be on board or not be on board. From a relationship mindset, you can't have that attitude. That is where the problem lies. He has a relationship mindset, while she has a dating mindset. Neither party is wrong, but let's call it what it is. Neither of them are a good match for each other.
This is true from my observation and experience. There seems to be no connection or chemistry. Someone is holding out on something here? Maybe the op girlfriend does not find him physically attractive. I have known women like this who did not have the hots for me but the hots for some one else, but on the flip side the men they had hots for did not have the hots for them, however those guys did not mind sleeping with them, sadly some of these women got pregnant for guys like that and the relationship never works out because the hot guy keeps on cheating. Overall I think the op and his girlfriend are in two different places in the same world.
Last edited by Bronxguyanese; 01-21-2015 at 04:02 PM..
Well, these are good reasons to wait for more maturity before marrying. People need to get out of their head, and get real with the person they think they want to marry; open their eyes and get a realistic view. That's what long engagements are for. And the ones who got "bored" just weren't mature enough yet, either. Which isn't unusual at the age at which they got married, it's not like it's a personal flaw, exactly. It's just a developmental stage.
And you may disagree Ruth, but I think there's some truth to what the OP is doing with the current woman he's dating. There's plenty of women who wouldn't find him pushy at all, and would love his eagerness to talk with them, but this woman isn't like that. I have a friend that got engaged after dating his girlfriend for 30 days. They knew each other in passing, but from day one he always said he knew. They'll be celebrating their 8th year of marriage in July and have two cute kids together.
For the OP, it's more about he needs to be true to himself. If he's more into women that know what they want, then he may just have to sit on the sideline, until more of those women become available. Forcing this woman to be something she's not is never going to work in his favor.
The OP is relationship minded and is approaching dating the same way. I don't think he's right, wrong, or indifferent for making those decisions. My friends who are in relationships give me advice, since I'm vocal about how I'm not always the best dater either. Out of all my friends, they all ended up in relationships taking different paths. I have one friend who has a relationship, because she would basically put up with his crap. Over time he fell for her, but it took him over 2 years to get to that point. I know very few single and childless women who would have tolerated a guy that long in "purgatory." She got what she wanted in the end, which is him, but I've talked to many other women who said they would have dumped his butt 2 months into it. She just cared about him enough and the juice was worth the squeeze.
It's all about what you're willing to tolerate and how you overall feel about the person. If you have better options, there's no shame in seeing those options out. Just have to remember that the more options you have, the better chance you have of never settling down. When you finally decide to settle down, it could end up being too late. Not saying it's always the case, but just because the earth is inhibited by 8 billion people, doesn't mean the person who is a match for you is anywhere near you geographically.
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