Want out, don't know how... (average, looking, picture, reason)

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

What?

Get me and the kids out of the house and then call armed authorities to come over so there can be a gunfight and he can be killed?

Because I really don't know how to "GET OUT NOW" any other way.

I keep trying to make this point...why does anyone think it's OK for me to basically murder him via cop? I don't want to do this. And if you think he'll go peacefully and just give up everything he's worked for all his life, then you're the one in denial...

The fact that you think this will happen is the exact reason getting out is 1000% critical.

(And the fact that YOU think it would be YOU murdering him really shows the toll this has taken on you.)

[JustJulia]

I am not following. Why would there be cops at your house if you left with the kids? What would you be calling them to do?

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by timberline742

The fact that you think this will happen is the exact reason getting out is 1000% critical.

(And the fact that YOU think it would be YOU murdering him really shows the toll this has taken on you.)

Yep.

You SOUND sane, OP, but you can't see how messed up your reasoning is.

It's so very weird. I also want to know why you would call armed authorities after leaving.

[Matadora]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

. But I told him, I will play along with your exercise, and if you promise to adhere to the "I can handle the truth and not be violent".

What do you mean by violent here? Does he physically harm you or the kids when he becomes "violent"?

I feel very bad for any woman who has fallen into the trap of being controlled by their partner. I personally don't understand how a woman allows herself to get to this point in life...this is due to me understanding that I am no one's property or whipping post. I would never stand for it but that is another topic.

Again, this is just IMO that it would be best if you could completely disassociate from him and that entire situation and do serious inner self reflection. I think it would help you to see your situation with him in a different light.

I give you major for taking the steps to finally end this madness. I also understand your reasons for not just up and bailing as you mentioned in post #87

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

I am strong, and calm, and focused.

I am also sorry, that there are some here who do not understand that grabbing the kids and running for the hills, a move that would require me to most likely give up the only job where I can make this kind of money, go out of state, to my very dysfunctional parents, or more likely to a local shelter of some kind, putting my kids into homelessness, and then having the authorities go after my husband, which would VERY likely result in his death as well as that of any armed cops that showed up at the house... I could set spark to THAT fuse with the whole "RUN! GET OUT NOW!"

Please keep us updated and I wish you the best and hope that it all falls into place. Keep your focus and stay strong.

[SummerFall]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

OK, so you tell me just exactly how I should proceed?

Wait until the kids are at school at tell the cops that even though he's probably napping at the moment, he scares me sometimes and he's heavily armed...have them come arrest him and hope that he doesn't get released before the 90 days to however long period is up that it takes to actually DO a divorce...meanwhile what am I supposed to tell my children about how I set him up? Oh wait, I could get a restraining order, which he won't respect, and if I go through with all of this, he will hate me and he will come after me as a target.

He doesn't want to kill me now, he wants to be my friend. You're suggesting I change that by getting the authorities involved. Because of COURSE they'll totally protect me.

Or I'm supposed to abduct my own kids against their will and take them to some shelter or bolt hole of an apartment where we can camp out on an air mattress and sleep soundly to the song of gunfire, because that's all I can afford.

Maybe go to a friend's house and crash on the floor or couch? For 3 months to a year? I'm sure that will work out well.

Again. HIS SCRIPT would be for me to accept another 5 years with him, which he'd hope he could "change" or "change my mind" enough to get me to stay indefinitely, or that he'd hope he would not survive. I am not playing by that script. I'm giving it a couple of months. Meanwhile he is coming to more acceptance that he could still come out of this with something if he doesn't act the fool, and all of our friends are working on him whenever they visit and talk, helping plant seeds of ideas for him to mull on and get comfortable with, about how to be in this and what HIS priorities should be here.

People are gonna tell me im insensitive, but oh well. I actually work dealing with victims of domestic violence. I have talked until im blue in the face with victims who don't listen. Everything you have said paints this guy as a ticking time bomb. You keep stressing that YOU can manage this time bomb if you just keep him happy for a while, if you just play the game a little longer. You *SAY* he wont hurt the kids, ( gee ive heard that before) but people like him are unpredictable. Yes, it would be hard to take the kids and leave. It would mean big sacrifices for you and the kids. It isn't fun. However, I hope the thought of your dead kids is fun for you, *IF* you remain alive. However, it will probably be YOU and the kids killed.

Now, you do what you want. It's YOUR life, not mine. And it's YOUR kids. However, when your extended family has to bury you and your kids, I wonder what will seem "harder" to do then. Having to pick up, move the kids, put them in a new school and perhaps take a lower paying job for awhile, maybe have your kids mad at you for a while, or your family having to see you and your children's murders blasted all over the 6pm news. You are absolutely out of your mind to try to manage this guy with his mental issues and guns all over the place that he grabs when he gets upset. AND the fact that he is one of those 'anti-government' ,types makes it scarier, cause those types tend to be 'out there' ANYWAY. Now you combine that with other mental issues, plus his marriage falling apart, access to guns.... ARE YOU TRULY SERIOUS IN THINKING THAT IT'S ALL GONNA WORK OUT WELL CAUSE YOU GOT THIS LITTLE PLAN OF YOURS??

No matter how 'gentle' you do it, you are still planning on leaving him. This triggers something in abusers/users/manipulaters like him.

But whatever. Good luck with all that. I'll hear about it on the news.

[convextech]

Originally Posted by SummerFall

People are gonna tell me im insensitive, but oh well. I actually work dealing with victims of domestic violence. I have talked until im blue in the face with victims who don't listen. Everything you have said paints this guy as a ticking time bomb. You keep stressing that YOU can manage this time bomb if you just keep him happy for a while, if you just play the game a little longer. You *SAY* he wont hurt the kids, ( gee ive heard that before) but people like him are unpredictable. Yes, it would be hard to take the kids and leave. It would mean big sacrifices for you and the kids. It isn't fun. However, I hope the thought of your dead kids is fun for you, *IF* you remain alive. However, it will probably be YOU and the kids killed.

Now, you do what you want. It's YOUR life, not mine. And it's YOUR kids. However, when your extended family has to bury you and your kids, I wonder what will seem "harder" to do then. Having to pick up, move the kids, put them in a new school and perhaps take a lower paying job for awhile, maybe have your kids mad at you for a while, or your family having to see you and your children's murders blasted all over the 6pm news. You are absolutely out of your mind to try to manage this guy with his mental issues and guns all over the place that he grabs when he gets upset. AND the fact that he is one of those 'anti-government' ,types makes it scarier, cause those types tend to be 'out there' ANYWAY. Now you combine that with other mental issues, plus his marriage falling apart, access to guns.... ARE YOU TRULY SERIOUS IN THINKING THAT IT'S ALL GONNA WORK OUT WELL CAUSE YOU GOT THIS LITTLE PLAN OF YOURS??

No matter how 'gentle' you do it, you are still planning on leaving him. This triggers something in abusers/users/manipulaters like him.

But whatever. Good luck with all that. I'll hear about it on the news.

+100

[Sonic_Spork]

I am just afraid that I will never be safe with him in the world if I took the kids and left.

No one would or could keep him locked up forever.

He would hunt me down. He would not give up. He would believe that his life is disposable if he can get vengeance on me for taking everything away from him. I don't believe I could hide from this. I don't believe I could escape it. A restraining order would not stop him.

He has not committed an act of actual violence, against anyone, in all these years because I stopped him. He used to, before our relationship, get in fights all the time (with other men) and he believes that inherent violence or at least the potential is part of his nature as an honorable warrior.

I don't want to leave my kids with him. I am terrified of the results of taking an action that makes him view me as "the enemy." Is he being mentally and emotionally abusive to me? Yes. Do I think that I could get through this, this other way, and maybe avoid the possibility of physical violence occurring? Yes, or I wouldn't be doing it. The alternative is to guarantee it.

You guys seriously don't understand why I'd call the authorities if I were trying to take the kids and leave? You think he'd just sit there and be ok with it? And you call me insane? You're advising me, almost demanding, that I do something that would put fire to his kindling, and you think I should do this and not call the cops, so....just let him kill me, then? Or what? I'm confused. You think he wouldn't come after me? This only underscores to me that as much as you think you know about men like him, you don't know him at all. He might be able to let me go. He's not letting the kids go without a serious war, with serious firepower. They are part of this dream home he's constructed for himself...he's having a hard enough time with a gradual change that involves me leaving.

At least we are getting professional help. I am considering seeking other resources...I've thought about calling a domestic abuse group or something...just to see if they have better options or thoughts than "get out now!" or "continue to manage him." I don't like any of this. I don't feel safe with any of it. If someone could show me a path to real safety, I'd be very interested in that. None of you have, yet.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

At least we are getting professional help. I am considering seeking other resources...I've thought about calling a domestic abuse group or something...just to see if they have better options or thoughts than "get out now!" or "continue to manage him." I don't like any of this. I don't feel safe with any of it. If someone could show me a path to real safety, I'd be very interested in that. None of you have, yet.

They have, but you can't see it, because you're a victim of domestic violence.

[JrzDefector]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

At least we are getting professional help. I am considering seeking other resources...I've thought about calling a domestic abuse group or something...just to see if they have better options or thoughts than "get out now!" or "continue to manage him." I don't like any of this. I don't feel safe with any of it. If someone could show me a path to real safety, I'd be very interested in that. None of you have, yet.

I told you in my first post on this thread that you should call a domestic violence shelter and consult with a lawyer. They're the ones who will help you develop a plan and can give you an accurate assessment of the risks. Have you called anyone yet?

Here's an address/number for a domestic violence group in Colorado Springs:
TESSA
435 Gold Pass Heights
Colorado Springs, CO - 80906
719-633-3819

[Matadora]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

If someone could show me a path to real safety, I'd be very interested in that. None of you have, yet.

From ALL that you have written about this man, the only safety that you are likely to ever see is if he commits suicide or is killed by police if and when they show up to his house.

I grew up with a father that was very similar to what your husband sounds like. Although there are some differences...the things that are identical are the guns, the violent temper, the insane control and trust issues. Self-medication. Mental and physical abuse.

If you don't think that any of this has a bearing on your sons you are clueless. The fact that your sons will put the blame on you when they see their father behaving irrationally tells me that he has created 2 more "mini me's" in the making. Your sons are going to need deep psychotherapy to undo all of his conditioning's as well as all of the dysfunctional family dynamics that they have had to grow up with.

I knew by the age of 8 that if my dad continued to live that we he would most likely kill all of us. It was an agonizing existence living on eggshells not knowing how his moods were going to swing from day to day.

Some people are not going to be able to understand or process this and that is OK. The day we all became free was when my father was murdered in 1979.

Our family was instantly free from his abuse and control from that moment on. You can't imagine how it felt as a 15 year old being able to experience true freedom from that horrific existence. Then it took years of work to overcome all that our family had endured under his abuse.

It appears that you and your son's are in the same exact situation...the only difference is that me and my sibling never put the blame on our mother when our dad behaved insane. We knew who the monster really was.

From what it sounds like you will never be free from his control until he is no longer on this planet. I recall that my dad would always tell us (he knew we all wanted to run) was that no matter where we go that he will always find us. I wonder how many times the OP's husband has said this to her?

My suggested path for you and your sons real safety:

• I would purchase a gun and learn how to use it effectively
• I would not hesitate to contact the right authorities to come and confiscate his guns on a day that you and your sons are not home. Be smart and plan this correctly!
• If he is not killed in a shoot out when they come to confiscate his guns... I would have him put in a mental institution or locked up. During his incarceration I would move to a safe place far away (wherever that may be). Again be smart and plan this correctly!
• If he is still alive and decides to come and hunt you or your sons down...make sure that all 3 of you know how to use a gun effectively to protect yourself from this dangerous hunter.

His drastic behaviors are going to require you to take drastic measures. There are no and if's or but's about it.

I was hoping your plan would work but the more you post the more clearly I see that he behaves almost identically to my now deceased dad.

The biggest difference is that my dad was not suicidal. Since yours is...my fear is that the day he loses total control he will go out with a vengeance taking not only his life but yours and possibly your children's as well.