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I just wanted to add that his reason for saying he didn't want to have more children was because he was almost 40. He said he's done having more children and that he has 2 that will depend on him financially for a long time. The mother is not paying support. He said he can't think about having more children at this point.
I see people who already have children, grow their family with an additional child when they marry or have a new relationship. This happens often, but I feel that I may have stressed him so much so that it scared him out of that option. i feel that I am the one who messed things up. He made me feel as though I was to blame.
I understand exactly what he is saying. Kids are work and an expense. I am maxed out on both time and money, therefore, I am done having kids.
Men do change their minds at times - as evidenced by in vetro fertilization after a man has had a vasectomy. I know a man who had two children, did not want more children, had a vasectomy, divorced, and when his children were young teens, he re-married to a woman who wanted one child. IVF was expensive, but he put his wife's wishes first.
This is a case where the man valued his relationship with his future wife so much that he was willing to revisit a firm decision he had made earlier.
There is stark distinction between "commitment" and "agreeing to have children together". A couple might be mutually committed, but have no intention of having children. A couple might have children, without (or until) they become committed. It sounds like the OP's erstwhile boyfriend had no problem with commitment. He just wasn't interested in having more kids, and perhaps was hoping that eventually the OP would relent and would accept a role as mere step-mom, instead of biological mom.
There is stark distinction between "commitment" and "agreeing to have children together". A couple might be mutually committed, but have no intention of having children. A couple might have children, without (or until) they become committed. It sounds like the OP's erstwhile boyfriend had no problem with commitment. He just wasn't interested in having more kids, and perhaps was hoping that eventually the OP would relent and would accept a role as mere step-mom, instead of biological mom.
Which is, of course, just as deluded and ridiculous as knowing you want kids and hooking up with somebody who has been upfront about not wanting kids, and just "banking on him/her changing his/her mind." Though it happens, reasonably often.
There is stark distinction between "commitment" and "agreeing to have children together". A couple might be mutually committed, but have no intention of having children. A couple might have children, without (or until) they become committed. It sounds like the OP's erstwhile boyfriend had no problem with commitment. He just wasn't interested in having more kids, and perhaps was hoping that eventually the OP would relent and would accept a role as mere step-mom, instead of biological mom.
I'm hoping the choice of "mere' for step mom wasn't used with malice. I think in some ways being a good step mom might be tougher as there are more dynamics at play. Good stepmothers are a good thing.
I learned so much from those children. I was not there to replace their mother, but I cared for them like they were my own. I did so genuinely. I just wanted to set a good example for them and my only hope is that I was able to do so. Everything I did for them, I did it from my heart. I truly have a special bond with them.
I did enter the relationship in good faith. He knew I was a very goal oriented person. My next step in life was to settle down and start a family. I just happened to meet a man who just recently go custody of his children. He stated and made it seem throughout the relationship that we are planning for the future. That is why I stayed. I relentlessly stayed and tried to work through any issues we had. We didn't have any serious issues until the end. I think somewhere down the line, he became very comfortable and I began to feel like I was just very convenient to him. I took care of his children like they were my own, even sharing the financial responsibility for them because I lived there and didn't pay any bills. I was cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children. All he had to worry about was bills and work. I didn't have a problem with this until I brought up wanting to have children and he couldn't give me a straightforward answer. My mind began to wander and things started to deteriorate very quickly. I didn't help the situation by my constant stirring of the pot. I didn't let him breathe. I regret that fully. I let my emotions get the best of me. At the same time, I feel that maybe this was his issue all along. I began to feel like he didn't value the relationship at all. I felt worthless and I felt he had me there for convenience. It got to the point where we were no longer intimate. He was very affectionate..hugs, kisses, I love yous, but nothing more. This put even more worry in my head. We were headed for disaster and I ignored his requests to just let things settle. He promised me things would get better but I kept prying. My intuition was telling me something was terribly wrong. When he said he didn't want to continue the relationship, I didn't put up a fight.
It has been a week and we haven't been in communication. I may never hear from him again. I'm trying my best to remain positive, but I do feel he has made his decision final. I also think the children issue was a deal breaker for both of us. Having children is so important to me and my clock is ticking. I have so much on my mind.
I learned so much from those children. I was not there to replace their mother, but I cared for them like they were my own. I did so genuinely. I just wanted to set a good example for them and my only hope is that I was able to do so. Everything I did for them, I did it from my heart. I truly have a special bond with them.
I did enter the relationship in good faith. He knew I was a very goal oriented person. My next step in life was to settle down and start a family. I just happened to meet a man who just recently go custody of his children. He stated and made it seem throughout the relationship that we are planning for the future. That is why I stayed. I relentlessly stayed and tried to work through any issues we had. We didn't have any serious issues until the end. I think somewhere down the line, he became very comfortable and I began to feel like I was just very convenient to him. I took care of his children like they were my own, even sharing the financial responsibility for them because I lived there and didn't pay any bills. I was cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children. All he had to worry about was bills and work. I didn't have a problem with this until I brought up wanting to have children and he couldn't give me a straightforward answer. My mind began to wander and things started to deteriorate very quickly. I didn't help the situation by my constant stirring of the pot. I didn't let him breathe. I regret that fully. I let my emotions get the best of me. At the same time, I feel that maybe this was his issue all along. I began to feel like he didn't value the relationship at all. I felt worthless and I felt he had me there for convenience. It got to the point where we were no longer intimate. He was very affectionate..hugs, kisses, I love yous, but nothing more. This put even more worry in my head. We were headed for disaster and I ignored his requests to just let things settle. He promised me things would get better but I kept prying. My intuition was telling me something was terribly wrong. When he said he didn't want to continue the relationship, I didn't put up a fight.
It has been a week and we haven't been in communication. I may never hear from him again. I'm trying my best to remain positive, but I do feel he has made his decision final. I also think the children issue was a deal breaker for both of us. Having children is so important to me and my clock is ticking. I have so much on my mind.
He has custody of the children? Clearly there's a story there. I'm sure that he's in no hurry to jump in head first. Perhaps in knowing that you want children, while he's not ready, he's sparing you from learning that in 5 years - as a friend.
He does not have legal custody of the children. The mother is financially unable to care for them. After tossing them around to the grandparents, she finally gave him temporary custody until she could get herself together. Her plan is come back for them, although he hopes that time will never come.
It is understandable that at his age and at this time in his life, the last thing he is thinking about is starting over in the baby department and I do believe he is sparing me. I think he realized it would be unfair to keep me in this relationship when we are not on the same page. He is very focused on his children and providing a good life for them. I was an added plus until I started creating problems for him. I wanted children eventually and I wanted to know our relationship had purpose. He had other plans. It's a very difficult situation. We both had our faults, but I don't think they were anything that couldn't be worked out. Ultimately, knowing the person that he is and what he told me during the conversation the day of the breakup, he was not interested in a relationship anymore, he wanted to be alone. His days consisted of coming home from work, sitting outside on patio, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. I was inside with children. This took a toll on me. My life's purpose became about caring for another woman's children. I was helping to raise them while putting off my dreams of having my own family. This would have made me very unhappy as it was already getting to that point. In turn, I was making him miserable. Something had to change and he ended up putting a halt to it all. I see he made the best decision for us all. I understand.
I have decided to leave the whole thing alone. I've left him alone. I still want to continue a relationship with him, but that decision has to come from him. I still love them and I'm just devastated by the loss of this relationship. I miss them so very much. The children have contacted me but I've decided it's best that I keep my distance at this time. Their father doesn't seem like he wants anything to do with me. He was very cold that day I last saw him. I don't know if time will heal this, but it has been a week and we haven't reached out to eachother. This situation is just heartbreaking.
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