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Yes but those of us that have spent our 20's-40's raising kids are tired. I am ready to live my own life again. Frankly I would rather leap off a bridge than have a child at this point. My life would be over either way.
Well, no kidding. But lots of us didn't go the "kids in early twenties" route, and we have the time and money that we didn't have then to dedicate to parenting now. We also have the energy, and aren't worn out, because we haven't spent the last 15-20 years raising kids by the time we hit 40. We've already had years and years of "living or own lives" as young adults and are ready to share our lives with a family. Personally, you couldn't have paid me to have kids in my twenties. It would have derailed so much.
The OP's ex is presumably among the "I've had my kids early and now I'm done, " camp (although i suspect that's not the sole issue at play, here). Speaking from personal experience, if she wants to have kids, and is gonna be with a midthirties-plus guy, she'd be better served with one that didn't already start his family years before.
It's not. But if he doesn't want more kids (regardless of his age), that's neither here nor there. He doesn't want more kids. And from what you've described, it's very likely that if it weren't the kids issue, it would be something else. He doesn't sound like a likely candidate for a happily ever after, in general.
As hard as it is for me to move on, I know you're right.
Every day brings something new. An emotion that has somehow cycled its way around again. I'm feeling anger today. Work is keeping me busy, but he's in the back of my mind constantly. I feel so betrayed. I just want to rid myself of this. It's taking up so much space in my mind and in my heart. He hasn't reached out to me in any way. I haven't reached out to him. He has moved on with his life, so why am I still here trying to make sense of it all. The more time goes by and the more I think about it, it really wasn't a matter of having children. I think there was other underlying issues that we both ignored from the beginning. I think I knew all along that something wasn't right. He never really ever proved to me that he wanted to be in this relationship and that he valued me. I don't mean that he should have felt threatened to the point where he felt he had to constantly prove his love for me, I mean in the sense that when things got rough, he didn't care if I gave up or not. Now that things are over, I feel like I'm being tugged and pulled in all directions. He just walked away and didn't look back. That's such a horrible feeling. I don't want to worry about this anymore.
"Anger" is one of the most motivating emotions that women very often use to recover and "rise again" so to speak. Say to yourself "How dare you think I'm just a tool for your convenience" , "How dare you see me as a weakling and disrespect me", etc. etc. Then quietly start getting your life together. By not checking FB or doing anything else that would show weakness, you'll gradually get stronger. Put your efforts into building YOUR life. Don't keep giving your power away to him by replaying the same tapes over and over. Say to yourself, "You're not going to destroy me!!"
I think the more days that go by, it just confirms that this is what he wants. It's been almost 2 weeks. I don't feel that I've made any progress. I still feel loads of sadness. I bargain with myself. That's not good. I do, however, feel that I've been able to look at things from a different perspective. I do see where I went wrong in the relationship and should I find myself in another relationship, I will handle myself differently. I can't believe that I'm struggling this much. I didn't think I would be effected like this. He is on my mind constantly. I really need to get ahold of myself.
I don't think it's uncommon for a man to have children in his late 30's. In fact, I think if my relationship was viable, I think he would consider the option if that is something that was very important to me, but providing the rocky state of our relationship and my inability to "try to change" as he stated, he didn't feel it was possible for things to get better later down the road. The day of the breakup, I remember I kept saying, I hope you are making the right decision. I hope you are making the right decision. He responded by saying he hopes so too. I don't think there will come a time where he will question his decision. He will run with it.
I think you're in a bit of denial about the kids situation. There are plenty of people that wouldn't mind having kids in their late 30's. Those are typically people that don't already have kids. When someone has got a couple of kids already and they are way way past the toddler stage they are less inclined to "start" over again. I think that it's been said by two or three people on this thread already. That is a completely separate thing that just having kids period.
I'm sure that there are some men out there that would "start" over again, but I'd bet that they would be an even smaller minority of men that didn't want kids to begin with.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
I think you're in a bit of denial about the kids situation. There are plenty of people that wouldn't mind having kids in their late 30's. Those are typically people that don't already have kids. When someone has got a couple of kids already and they are way way past the toddler stage they are less inclined to "start" over again. I think that it's been said by two or three people on this thread already. That is a completely separate thing that just having kids period.
I'm sure that there are some men out there that would "start" over again, but I'd bet that they would be an even smaller minority of men that didn't want kids to begin with.
Just sayin.
Most people I know that had kids did it around then, late 30s to early 40s. They finished their degrees, traveled the world, established their careers, met, married in their mid 30s, took a few years to be together then had children. It's really the norm among the advanced degree holding professionals where I've lived.
"Anger" is one of the most motivating emotions that women very often use to recover and "rise again" so to speak. Say to yourself "How dare you think I'm just a tool for your convenience" , "How dare you see me as a weakling and disrespect me", etc. etc. Then quietly start getting your life together. By not checking FB or doing anything else that would show weakness, you'll gradually get stronger. Put your efforts into building YOUR life. Don't keep giving your power away to him by replaying the same tapes over and over. Say to yourself, "You're not going to destroy me!!"
I noticed something about my spurts of anger. The anger doesn't last long and immediately afterwards, I will have a meltdown. I need to be patient. I want results now when it has only been a little over a week. I have become a recluse and while it is good for me to reflect and learn, it is also giving me a lot of time to sit and think about him. I've realized that I need to think about my problems, my insecurities, and how to get rid of them. This is the first time in my life that I think I'm forcing myself to deal with my internal issues. Any hardships I've faced, I looked for quick fixes to get my mind occupied. I don't think I've ever really sat down and looked at what I needed to do to change. Although I feel like I'm in agony, I do think this is good for me. I am going to come out of this a stronger and better person. I don't want to make the same mistakes in my next relationship.
I don't think him having children at this age was really an issue. I believe our relationship had turned sour and the thought of him having more children with a woman he could no longer picture a future with made matters worse. He saw breaking up as the only viable solution. I am pretty sure he would have compromised with the children issue if our relationship was on a better road. We are going into 2 weeks now after break up and I've gained a lot of insight. This truly is a process. A difficult one, but a necessary one.
His days consisted of coming home from work, sitting outside on patio, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. I was inside with children. This took a toll on me. My life's purpose became about caring for another woman's children. I was helping to raise them while putting off my dreams of having my own family. This would have made me very unhappy as it was already getting to that point. In turn, I was making him miserable. Something had to change and he ended up putting a halt to it all. I see he made the best decision for us all. I understand.
Seriously, I think you should consider yourself lucky. Whenever you feel bad, just come back to CD and read what you wrote here at least 10 times.
He was disrespectful of his children by introducing you into their life so soon into the relationship. They've already been through the trauma of divorce. Now he's just put them through another "divorce" after letting them bond with you. Children need stability more than a grown man needs free meals and s*x. He can get that just fine without involving his children, but he wanted the free child care and cleaning too.
Bam! Couldn't have said it better.
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Couldn't have said it better.
