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Seriously, I think you should consider yourself lucky. Whenever you feel bad, just come back to CD and read what you wrote here at least 10 times.
I fail to realize the truth about my relationship. You highlighted a post that I wrote and I forgot I even wrote that. Now that I'm re-reading it, I'm thinking to myself...wow I really put myself in a bad situation. Who would be happy in a situation like that? I made it so easy for him to take advantage of me. Why in the world would he want to compromise with me about starting a family when he was content with the way things were.
I remember a conversation I had with him a couple days before the breakup. For the first time, I asked him if he wanted to be in the relationship because he loved me or had I become convenient to him? He couldn't answer me. He completely broke down that day. He didn't have a response for anything. He is a passive aggressive person and doesn't like to communicate. I think that conversation ultimately lead him to solidify his decision in breaking up with me. I had realized what was really going on in the relationship and I was voicing it. His only way out was to end the relationship. Maybe that is why he expressed anger the last I heard from him. Up til this point, I don't understand why he is angry with me. Shouldn't I be upset with him??
Either way my chances of having healthy children is rapidly decreasing as the years pass by. I will be 32 in a few months. I've got a few years left to find a good mate to have children and marry. I don't doubt that I can find someone. I'm educated, I come from a good family, I'm attractive and in shape (at least I think so). I give my heart to the wrong men. I don't know when I will learn. The problem is that I grew so attached to this man and his children. I'm in love with them. I need to face reality. He isn't coming back and I will never get that life back.
You might need therapy, or you might just need to learn to pick better--and fast. I highly recommend a very practical book called Is He Mr. Right?
I fail to realize the truth about my relationship. You highlighted a post that I wrote and I forgot I even wrote that. Now that I'm re-reading it, I'm thinking to myself...wow I really put myself in a bad situation. Who would be happy in a situation like that? I made it so easy for him to take advantage of me. Why in the world would he want to compromise with me about starting a family when he was content with the way things were.
I remember a conversation I had with him a couple days before the breakup. For the first time, I asked him if he wanted to be in the relationship because he loved me or had I become convenient to him? He couldn't answer me. He completely broke down that day. He didn't have a response for anything. He is a passive aggressive person and doesn't like to communicate. I think that conversation ultimately lead him to solidify his decision in breaking up with me. I had realized what was really going on in the relationship and I was voicing it. His only way out was to end the relationship. Maybe that is why he expressed anger the last I heard from him. Up til this point, I don't understand why he is angry with me. Shouldn't I be upset with him??
He was angry because you were upsetting the apple cart. Though he's done you a favor (and a disservice to his kids).
Am I to understand that he was 24 and the kids' mother was 17-18 when they started out?
He was angry because you were upsetting the apple cart. Though he's done you a favor (and a disservice to his kids).
Am I to understand that he was 24 and the kids' mother was 17-18 when they started out?
Yes that is correct. He was 24-25 and the mother was 17-18. The mother was quite young and had to grow up very quickly. He has spent much of his younger years raising children and I spent that time in college and experiencing life. I've made some very poor choices in men. I need to change that quickly. It would be wise of me to find interest in men without children or men who had children a little later. At my age, men in my age group already have children. I just need think with my head next time..not my heart.
I don't think him having children at this age was really an issue. I believe our relationship had turned sour and the thought of him having more children with a woman he could no longer picture a future with made matters worse.
This ^^^ is exactly the point that some of us have been trying to get across to you. This is the main point.
Since the break up, I have been determined to self reflect. I am not a victim. There has to be something that I am doing wrong here. it was like at the snap of a finger i realized something. My ex was very angry with me. I spent all week crying and blaming him for "abandoning me, giving up on us" as if he made an irrational decision. As if he was completely out of line for doing so. I suddenly began to think to myself, there has to be a reason why he would be so upset with me. No one just gets really angry and then breaks up with their significant other for no reason. There was no cheating involved or anything like that. I can say there has been a pattern in our problems. The pattern has always been about my insecurities and my doubts about him. I went back through my phone and read all the text messages from times where we had conflict, I just couldn't believe some of the things I was saying to him. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't want to be with me either. Now, I'm not taking full responsibility, but I do think a lot of problems stemmed from the way I handled myself. If I was upset about something, I would make sly comments, I would push him away at times if he tried to hug or kiss me, and even caused circular arguments...this in turn caused him to withdraw. He repeatedly told me I was making him feel really bad inside. I think that I certainly handled some things in a very poor manner. I began to feel he didn't care about me because he was withdrawing. Then I started to feel that if he didn't care about me, he is just using me. Gosh what a confusion!
Regardless of who caused what, I should have been more mature about the situation. I do believe I put myself in a position to be taken advantage of and then i made a fiasco because I wasn't getting what I wanted in return. I did this to myself.
I notice when the weekends come, I feel worse. I start worrying about things that don't matter. What is he doing? Where are they going? Who is he with? Those things are no longer my concern nor is it my business. He isn't worrying about me. It has been 2 weeks and I never heard from him.
I feel stagnant. I feel like I owe him an apology for the way I treated him, but it won't do any good right now. Some days are better than others, but recently I've just been feeling exhausted. Like I've been beaten and my wounds and bruises hurt more than when I got them. It's so indescribable. I've never experienced this before. Never had heartbreak like this before. I've always been one to walk away from my previous relationships. If I knew this is the kind of pain it inflicts when leaving someone, I would have never done it. I would never want to hurt someone the way I am hurting now. I miss the children so much. It's unbearable. I'm battered.
Each day that passes, I see that I'm the one who damaged this relationship. He had to draw the line. Anyone with any kind of self respect would draw the line. He weighed all the pros and cons. Having more children was a factor. I wish there was a reset button. 2 weeks feels like 2 months. If only I could have another chance to right my wrongs.
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