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Last night, I received word that my former spouse had died.
It's odd when something that you expected to happen, happens and hard to know just what to feel; what I have the right to feel. It's the shock of feeling cold wetness down upon you when a bucket of ice water has been hanging overhead for years, i.e., you knew that it was coming, but the actual happening of it still hits with an "oomf."
Sadness is definitely there, but right now, it's mostly numbness that I am feeling. As a former spouse, it's not really a loss for me in terms of the usual pallid banalities such as "sorry for your loss." I chose to leave that marriage. This death is bringing back the feelings that I had and thought that I had handled of betraying a friend by choosing to divorce. The truth that my head knows, if not my heart, is that even if I had stayed, I couldn't have saved my ex from himself, his demons, and his own actions.
It's my hope that in the end, he found the peace that he couldn't seem to find in life in his death.
I am really sorry that you are going through this. I (regrettably) was in your shoes just a few short months ago. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. In my case, however, the "knowing/expecting" period was very short. Like, barely three months.
Just be gentle on yourself, take your time to process your feelings. There will possibly be days where that same "oomf" just sneaks up out of nowhere.
Though I divorced my ex nearly 20 years ago, and with very good reasons, I have since been focusing exclusively on all the good times, the good qualities and talents. It's organic - I'm not "steering" these thoughts. It's as if I have been able to release the hurts, the bad experiences. It was almost like a light switch, from one moment to the next.
Sending you some healing energy, hope the "oomfs" go away eventually.
Last night, I received word that my former spouse had died.
It's odd when something that you expected to happen, happens and hard to know just what to feel; what I have the right to feel. It's the shock of feeling cold wetness down upon you when a bucket of ice water has been hanging overhead for years, i.e., you knew that it was coming, but the actual happening of it still hits with an "oomf."
Sadness is definitely there, but right now, it's mostly numbness that I am feeling. As a former spouse, it's not really a loss for me in terms of the usual pallid banalities such as "sorry for your loss." I chose to leave that marriage. This death is bringing back the feelings that I had and thought that I had handled of betraying a friend by choosing to divorce. The truth that my head knows, if not my heart, is that even if I had stayed, I couldn't have saved my ex from himself, his demons, and his own actions.
It's my hope that in the end, he found the peace that he couldn't seem to find in life in his death.
Be kind to yourself and know that any feelings you are having are perfectly fine. Death is hard, no matter what the circumstances may be.
Last night, I received word that my former spouse had died.
It's odd when something that you expected to happen, happens and hard to know just what to feel; what I have the right to feel. It's the shock of feeling cold wetness down upon you when a bucket of ice water has been hanging overhead for years, i.e., you knew that it was coming, but the actual happening of it still hits with an "oomf."
Sadness is definitely there, but right now, it's mostly numbness that I am feeling. As a former spouse, it's not really a loss for me in terms of the usual pallid banalities such as "sorry for your loss." I chose to leave that marriage. This death is bringing back the feelings that I had and thought that I had handled of betraying a friend by choosing to divorce. The truth that my head knows, if not my heart, is that even if I had stayed, I couldn't have saved my ex from himself, his demons, and his own actions.
It's my hope that in the end, he found the peace that he couldn't seem to find in life in his death.
My thinking it doesn't make it so, but your reaction seems normal. It's complicated with an ex, especially a former spouse you had thought enough of at one time to plan a life together with. You had to let those dreams go, and now the person you dreamt them with. And that's mixed with the memories of how his demons affected you and your marriage. That's hard.
Thank you for the kind words everyone. They *do* help.
The way that I was informed of my ex's death was rather hurtful and was purposefully done in such a way to make me feel that I have very little right to grieve. Feeling hurt on top of feeling sad as well as more than a bit angry at that person who took it upon themselves to let me know the news has the added effect of making me feel just as selfish as I did when I chose to file for divorce nearly a decade ago. Not as if that person was much help when my ex and I were in the thick of dealing with his addiction, of course....
This death and the way that the news came to me has brought up a lot of feelings that I thought that I'd dealt with long ago.
I can't think of anything much lower than trying to weaponize grief.
Grief takes it's own path and no one has a right or lack of right, to feel it. Everything you are sharing sounds understandable, and you DO have the right to grieve. Sorry you have to deal with mean people in addition to the passing of your ex.
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I can't think of anything much lower than trying to weaponize grief.
Grief takes it's own path and no one has a right or lack of right, to feel it. Everything you are sharing sounds understandable, and you DO have the right to grieve. Sorry you have to deal with mean people in addition to the passing of your ex.
I agree.
Its pretty tacky the way that they seemed like they were attempting to shame and sort of blame her from what it seems.
Death is awful, obviously. We've had so much in our family the last few yrs that I'm almost semi-numb these days. Mrs Chow's mom is about the last one that we know who is older than us.
I guess we're on deck once she goes. That sounds morbid, but I don't mean it to be. It's the natural order of things and it's not useful to bother to think about it that much.
I can't think of anything much lower than trying to weaponize grief.
Grief takes it's own path and no one has a right or lack of right, to feel it. Everything you are sharing sounds understandable, and you DO have the right to grieve. Sorry you have to deal with mean people in addition to the passing of your ex.
Agree 100%.
Allow yourself to grieve in any manner that you feel.
Thank you for the kind words everyone. They *do* help.
The way that I was informed of my ex's death was rather hurtful and was purposefully done in such a way to make me feel that I have very little right to grieve. Feeling hurt on top of feeling sad as well as more than a bit angry at that person who took it upon themselves to let me know the news has the added effect of making me feel just as selfish as I did when I chose to file for divorce nearly a decade ago. Not as if that person was much help when my ex and I were in the thick of dealing with his addiction, of course....
This death and the way that the news came to me has brought up a lot of feelings that I thought that I'd dealt with long ago.
I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this.
Sounds to me (?) like in addition to having to process your feelings around this event, you now also have to deal with people that you haven't really had to deal with for a while, and unpleasantness that they are bringing into your mental space on top of everything. I swear some people act in astonishingly awful ways when someone dies. I've seen whole families or social groups devolve into misery, division and drama...even when it's not about any conflict over material inheritance, and it seems like there is nothing at stake and nothing to be gained by the behavior. I don't get it. Like isn't it hard enough to lose someone, without those left behaving badly to one another? /sigh.
And I'm honestly not sure anymore that "closure" is really a thing. Seems like we go on a while and find ways to carry things and resolve things in our minds, but still never know when feelings connected to the past will boil up to be dealt with again in some manner. Like time can make it easier, but rarely washes it away altogether.
Disconnecting your life from that of an addict was not selfish. Grieving now is not selfish either. And even if it were, it's a healthy kind of "selfish"...no one should be shamed for existing in their space, seeing to their emotional wellbeing, or feeling what they feel. No one should be labeled "selfish" in a way meant to be negative or accusatory, when they are doing any of those things. The person who tries to apply such a label is the one who is being nasty, and I think you know that. Hugs and best wishes. Be kind to yourself.
What does everyone think of those stories where long-lost loves reconnect after decades and rekindle their flame? I think with the advent of social media, it has become easier for people to reconnect with someone who they haven't been in contact with for many years.
I got to thinking about how I have virtually no one like this in my history, because I only dated one guy briefly in high school before I met my (now deceased ex) husband. The stories I've read are quite interesting, and the connection in many cases is even stronger than when they originally dated in the past.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Its hard to imagine that happening for me. I've kept in touch with most everyone important, including my first gf from high school (recently went to a wake for her dad ).
The few I'm not in touch with wouldn't classify as old flames, or there is a strong reason to not be in touch. Thankfully that's rare.
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