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I guess I am just looking for some advice as I am so conflicted. So here goes. My wife had been spending time with her sisters husband(our brother in law) for weekly runs. My wife was very transparent with me about heading out for them. Our BIL then started asking her to go during the week and to not tell her sister as it was during work hours. My wife told me about the runs and I was fine with it, though I commented that it seemed a little odd that he was hiding this from his wife and attempting to make it their little secret. Anyways, this goes on for a little and at some point my wife's sister finds out about the weekday runs and gets upset at her husband. He doubles down and only tells her about a couple of the runs and asks my wife to cover for him. For some reason my wife covers and backs his story to her sister. Her sister is pissed and tells my wife that her husband is acting all shady and not just about the running.
I then tell my wife that this seems really weird and she tells me that they are just running and everyone is acting weird. She acts if it is ok to keep going and I say that it is as long as her sister is aware. I implicitly trust my wife and BIL. Well, a few weeks back they are going to go and I comment on whether or not her sister knows and my wife has no idea. She then comments that everyone is acting so weird as they are just running and its not like they are having an affair. She leaves and comes back an hour later and freaks out that he told her he felt like kissing her in a text right after the run. She is very upset and I get upset, she swears nothing ever happened and that she had no idea and felt sick over the whole thing. She said she got the text, called him immediately and freaked out on him.
Well, I ended up looking at her text history at this point and phone log. Sure enough there is a text of him saying he wants to kiss her and the phone log backs up a call right after that was less then a minute. He also texts to make sure that she erases the text before going home and that they should just forget about it. Well I read the rest of the text history and it is literally like he is grooming her with comments about how tough his wife is being, how he wants to run with her all the time, lets not tell people about the run, lots of compliments and messages were he invites her places with his kids and our kids. Messages about them doing activities together. There are also a few lengthy phone calls of 20+ minutes. From what I can tell my wife was on the up and up and constantly said to tell his wife about the runs and was non-responsive to his invites.
My wife and I end up having a massive blowout over how to handle this where she begs me not to say anything to her sister of BIL as it will destroy the whole family. She says nothing happened and that I should just go about my business as if nothing happened. I explain that the fact he thought so little of me and my family that he was willing to try and break it up is unforgivable. It took everything in me to not immediately go to his house, as all I could think was that he was willing to wreck my children's lives(I understand it takes two to tango). My wife claimed that she had no idea of his feelings or how it could have happened, she swore she just listened and didn't talk about our marriage and that she never courted the attention. I do believe it was a low level emotional affair on her part and it was more about having someone to talk to...as she commented on a few occasions that it was nice to have someone to gossip with.
I agree to not say anything to her sister but can't promise I won't say anything to BIL. Well, I see him out and he acts like he is my best buddy. I could't help it and told him that I knew what was up, he crossed alone and to leave my wife and family alone. Well he immediately calls my wife crying that I am going to destroy his marriage and how could I do that to him and his kids. My wife claims I am only upset about the lying and that I don't know about the kiss text. She then blows up at me and we spend the next week basically not talking since I crossed a line saying that to him. I tell her that I could have told her sister and that would be the right thing to do, but have done what she wished and kept it quiet.
Well, I see him at an event and he completely ignores me and avoids me the whole evening. My wife asks if I saw him and I tell her what happened. She then freaks out again that everyone is going to know that something is up and that I have to be normal and just talk to him. She is begging that I break the ice, swallow my pride and start talking to him. I told her that I don't think I can ever do that as this individual was willing to break up my family with his actions and intentions, which in my mind means hurting my children without a care in the world until he got caught. So, I guess I am confused in how I should act. I don't care to ever talk to him again and ultimately he doesn't deserve me wasting my breath. On the other hand my wife is pleading with me to make it normal so the family and her sister don't suspect anything. What the hell am I supposed to do?
First off, your wife has to calm down and grow up a tad.....meaning, she has to stop getting so upset about issues, and talk things over with you, your partners in this.
Second, that scum bag brother in law, didn't want his wife to know for a reason....and when you first said that, the flag went up....
Third, your wife isn't apparently the first one, he is an opportunist, wants to see if he has it with any woman he comes in contact with. And there are a lot of men out there like that, so, your wife needs to understand this...
and fourth, I was on the receiving end of my husband running around, (and I should have known from the get go) however, I lied to myself...(another story) but no one would tell me, until afterwards, then they came out of the woodwork, so....that was heartbreaking...
no matter how much it hurts, you've always got to tell the truth...and if they get angry, they do...but eventually they will find out anyway....like I said, she is jealous for a reason here...one in which he's given her probably many times.
I cannot stand being lied to...once someone lies, you can never trust them again....you maybe can salvage a friendship, but after that, you don't know what to believe....
The WIFE is the one he should be confronting for allowing the BIL's advances, and having an affair with him. Her reactions are solid proof. This will not end well.
It seems some women, and men for that matter, get comfortable in a situation, kids, house, cars, some money, and security, get bored, then do this crap. It shows basic insecurity, and lack of character.
I still think a punch (or two) is in order.
But again, this is 2018, where you can't just have a simple fist fight.
As for the possibility the wife was complicit? It's possible she at first naively got involved, only to discover herself becoming attracted to the attention- leading to a type of emotional affair.
Sadly, that kind of thing happens all the time; and it is why it's not a good idea for married individuals to spend alone time with other married individuals (without a chaperone of some kind, or other spouse, present).
Women and men are usually wired differently. A man, especially devoid of character, views every female (yes, even the physically unattractive) as a sexual conquest or potential roll in the hay. It's the dirty little, not so secret, secret...
Women need to understand that most men interested in staying true to a wife will not allow themselves to do things alone with other women. They will fight the instinct to bop whatever female is in close proximity, and stick close to home. First clue a person is ready to be untrue is a request to do things without others being present.
Unscrupulous males prowl. They hunt. They pick up on the scent of a lonely, bored, and/or neglected female. That female becomes prey.
If you don't want this to happen, ladies and gentlemen, don't put yourselves in that position in the first place. And those of you that think trust is the name of the game, you are denying the reality of human nature and opportunists.
Last edited by picklejuice; 04-10-2018 at 10:01 AM..
But again, this is 2018, where you can't just have a simple fist fight.
As for the possibility the wife was complicit? It's possible she at first naively got involved, only to discover herself becoming attracted to the attention- leading to a type of emotional affair.
Sadly, that kind of thing happens all the time; and it is why it's not a good idea for married individuals to spend alone time with other married individuals (without a chaperone of some kind, or other spouse, present).
Women and men are usually wired differently. A man, especially devoid of character, views every female (yes, even the physically unattractive) as a sexual conquest or potential roll in the hay. It's the dirty little, not so secret, secret...
Women need to understand that most men interested in staying true to a wife will not allow themselves to do things alone with other women. They will fight the instinct to bop whatever female is in close proximity, and stick close to home. First clue a person is ready to be untrue is a request to do things without others being present.
Unscrupulous males prowl. They hunt. They pick up on the scent of a lonely, bored, and/or neglected female. That female becomes prey.
If you don't want this to happen, ladies and gentlemen, don't put yourselves in that position in the first place. And those of you that think trust is the name of the game, you are denying the reality of human nature and opportunists.
Yeah my friends like that he's a good looking guy which helps but also loves to flirt and has a gift of making women feel comfortable around him and like they're his best friends from the get go and most women are drawn to him because of it.
The thing is it's like he's reading from a script a lot of times he doesn't even mean most of what he says he just does what he has to to draw them in and since women are all about those feelings and "electricity" right away they fall for it
Your wife should have stopped seeing him alone after the kiss thing. No more runs. No more being alone in a room with him.
This is good advice. FOLLOW IT.....
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