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The problem is this seems like a mano a mano thing at it's core. BIL wouldn't do what he's doing if he thought he'd get ****ed up for it. OP needs to tell BIL man to man, to stay the hell away from his wife !
Sorry OP...just calling the way I see it.
RE: the bolded, the OP did exactly that. It sounds like you didn't read the OP's posts. He did that, and BIL has stayed away, but OP's wife freaked out, when the OP did exactly what you're suggesting. She accused the OP of trying to destroy the family.
RE: the bolded, the OP did exactly that. It sounds like you didn't read the OP's posts. He did that, and BIL has stayed away, but OP's wife freaked out, when the OP did exactly what you're suggesting. She accused the OP of trying to destroy the family.
I've read the entire thread and I think what some of the guys responding have issue with is his reaction to the wife's reactions. At so many times during the conversations relayed would I have called bullsh1t that it is ridiculous to me and I wonder if it is just a troll.
The other side of the coin is that as mentioned, this husband is potentially whipped and can be beaten down by a few strong worded orders. If that is the case the BIL probably knew this and was looking to take advantage of the situation. The wife already most likely had no respect anyway and is just controlling the situation for both of them.
I've read the entire thread and I think what some of the guys responding have issue with is his reaction to the wife's reactions. At so many times during the conversations relayed would I have called bullsh1t that it is ridiculous to me and I wonder if it is just a troll.
The other side of the coin is that as mentioned, this husband is potentially whipped and can be beaten down by a few strong worded orders. If that is the case the BIL probably knew this and was looking to take advantage of the situation. The wife already most likely had no respect anyway and is just controlling the situation for both of them.
I don't think he's whipped or a troll. I think he's a guy who's in love with his wife, in a marriage that was doing fine, until this recent weirdness. The wife originally was upfront, or appeared to be upfront, about these running episodes with the BIL, so the OP continued thinking the marriage was humming along nicely.
When you're happy in a marriage and have complete faith in your spouse, it can take some time to size up a sudden change in the situation. At first, again--coming from a mindset of years of complete faith in your spouse, you can't fathom the obvious. Then, you may get to a stage when you don't want to believe the obvious, so you look for alternative explanations.
Then (with the help of blunt strangers online), you run out of justifiable alternative explanations. At which point, you go into shock or despair, and drop out of the online conversation, because you can't take it anymore. Especially when the blunt strangers online start calling you "whipped", just because you were in love with your wife, and up until recently, had had no reason whatsoever to not have complete trust in her.
When the OP mentions counseling or any kind of resolution his wife screams and throws threats of divorce at him. The divorce threat will kill a marriage by itself. But on top of it she's asking him to be fake pals with the guy who may or may not be sleeping with his wife.
Most wives would never threaten divorce or put their husband in that position.
Why does this wife do it? Because she can. Because he's "whipped".
When the OP mentions counseling or any kind of resolution his wife screams and throws threats of divorce at him. The divorce threat will kill a marriage by itself. But on top of it she's asking him to be fake pals with the guy who may or may not be sleeping with his wife.
Most wives would never threaten divorce or put their husband in that position.
Why does this wife do it? Because she can. Because he's "whipped".
Can she? I wouldn't be so sure. How do you know the OP hasn't already been to a lawyer, to discuss divorce?
I don't think you have a clear picture of the situation. The OP only found out that there was something inappropriate going on, recently. He'd been going along in a marriage of a number of years, starting a family and raising kids, when everything was fine. Now, suddenly, he finds out his brother-in-law was making moves on his wife. He told his BIL to knock it off, and his wife freaked, so he's trying to figure out why his wife freaked. This is a new situation for the OP, in a marriage that was humming along fine, as far as he knew.
The whole thing with the wife's reaction has unfolded only around the time the OP started the thread, more or less. And he hasn't been a "doormat"'; he's asked her for clarification directly. It's been a very intensive time, it's all been a very sudden development. You're completely misreading the situation, and projecting your own "doormat" issues onto it. Which may be one reason you're "very independent", which I gather means "single", and talking in terms of "relationships" rather than "marriages". You sound like you're in over your head, here.
Actually no, I'm not single and I'm not projecting anything. I was just referring to a lot of posts in general from guys here, it seems to be a common theme. Should have clarified that. As for the OP, he is definitely whipped.
Last edited by david0966; 04-12-2018 at 02:12 AM..
Actually no, I'm not single and I'm not projecting anything. I was just referring to a lot of posts in general from guys here, it seems to be a common theme. Should have clarified that. As for the OP, he is definitely whipped.
Husband has refused to be friendly to BIL and pretend all is hunky dory.
That's not 'whipped'
I don't think he's whipped or a troll. I think he's a guy who's in love with his wife, in a marriage that was doing fine, until this recent weirdness. The wife originally was upfront, or appeared to be upfront, about these running episodes with the BIL, so the OP continued thinking the marriage was humming along nicely.
When you're happy in a marriage and have complete faith in your spouse, it can take some time to size up a sudden change in the situation. At first, again--coming from a mindset of years of complete faith in your spouse, you can't fathom the obvious. Then, you may get to a stage when you don't want to believe the obvious, so you look for alternative explanations.
Then (with the help of blunt strangers online), you run out of justifiable alternative explanations. At which point, you go into shock or despair, and drop out of the online conversation, because you can't take it anymore. Especially when the blunt strangers online start calling you "whipped", just because you were in love with your wife, and up until recently, had had no reason whatsoever to not have complete trust in her.
Good post. I can only add the dynamic of children, I believe they have two. There is huge pressure to stay in a marriage for the children, as well as financial pressure of child support, etc. I am sure the OP is thinking about the kid's welfare, and that is another reason to try to make the marriage work, but I don't believe this one can be salvaged, kids, or not. I know I would have been out of the marriage, and sitting in an attorney's office long ago.
Good post. I can only add the dynamic of children, I believe they have two. There is huge pressure to stay in a marriage for the children, as well as financial pressure of child support, etc. I am sure the OP is thinking about the kid's welfare, and that is another reason to try to make the marriage work, but I don't believe this one can be salvaged, kids, or not. I know I would have been out of the marriage, and sitting in an attorney's office long ago.
It's hard to tell if the marriage can be salvaged until all the cards are on the table. Until all is out in the open, the wife still believes she has control and can manage the situation. She has yet to realize that it is well beyond that stage.
When she finally wakes up (about the time her sister finds out and she reaches rock bottom), she'll be in a better position to think about what this is doing to her family and stop thinking about what it is doing to her. Only then will counseling be an option.
That's not to say the marriage can or cannot be salvaged, just that no one can really know until the lie is truly exposed.
Hubby needs to bring it out into the open. BOTH marriages, as they exist today, are over. The question is, what can or should be salvaged from the wreckage.
I know some people are very conflict avoidant. But your wife's reactions are SO over the top, that I have to wonder if she doesn't want this brought out in the open, because the BIL will have some stuff to say about your wife's actions.
That comment about family coming first? HUGE problem.
Before you nuke the marriage though, I would find a counselor and try that, but I would be preparing for the worst.
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