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Yeah my friends like that he's a good looking guy which helps but also loves to flirt and has a gift of making women feel comfortable around him and like they're his best friends from the get go and most women are drawn to him because of it.
The thing is it's like he's reading from a script a lot of times he doesn't even mean most of what he says he just does what he has to to draw them in and since women are all about those feelings and "electricity" right away they fall for it
Yeah, exactly. He knows what he's doing (master manipulator), but the women he targets don't.
The blame is heavier on the one whose actions are intentional and calculated.
UPDATE: So it has been a few weeks now and I am just as confused as I was at the start. My wife still will not tell her sister and keeps getting upset with me that I will not just act normal around the BIL. For example, she placed me in a situation last weekend in which I had to bring my kids to his house(while his wife was there) and my wife would't be there. She then got upset when I told her I just made small talk and nothing else. Fast forward to this weekend and there was a family get together. We arrived first, I ate and then BIL family arrived. He never came into the dining room but sat and watched TV, wife told me to go outside and watch the kids.
We get in the car and she goes off on how I am ruing her life and family by not talking to him, how it is so noticeable to everyone that there is a problem. Why can't I just let it go and be normal. I explained that I was not the one who did anything wrong and that he chose not to come into the dining room, further it was her that told me to go outside. Needless to say, she stopped talking to me and went to bed early. This morning I told her that we need to go to couples counseling as this is not going to fly with me and we need a 3rd party opinion. She flipped out saying that the whole issue is me being weird around him and that I'm now the weird in-law and us not doing things with her family is not how she will live her life. I calmly explained(as she was screaming) that I have no problem doing things, but I can't figure out why I'm being blamed for someone else's actions. She then comments that her family is priority number 1 and that they will always have her back so she will stick with them over me. It took everything not comment back at that point, but all I was thinking was how her family is so important that she refuses to tell her sister that her husband told her he wanted to kiss her. I mean the logic is out of this world.
My intuition tells me that there is so much more then I was told or will be told. Hence, I want a 3rd party to listen to both sides and explain to her that she is deflecting everything onto me and trying to turn me into the bad guy here.
If my spouse made this declaration, I'd be at the courthouse filing papers with the clerk the following business day.
I haven't read every page of comments, but I've read most of yours, OP. You are - hate to say it - whipped.
If she refuses marriage counseling it's because she knows that the *** will be up once the cards are on the table with a third party. The counselor has not been under the influence of your wife's 'whipping' and your wife knows she'd be no match for someone educated in psychology.
Call it like I see it. Sorry that you have to deal with such a manipulative, obfuscating spouse. It will get better when you take measures to make it better.
Last edited by DontH8Me; 04-10-2018 at 04:58 PM..
Reason: Since when is the word j. i. g. in need of censoring?
I’m not sure who is worse, you or that other guy here who is basically a caregiver for that woman with tons of health issues, and there are others as well. The amount of desperation here is really mind boggling. It’s FAR better to be on your own than stuck in these dead-end relationships. If I was the OP, I would have been out of this a long time ago and never looked back.
I’m not sure who is worse, you or that other guy here who is basically a caregiver for that woman with tons of health issues, and there are others as well. The amount of desperation here is really mind boggling. It’s FAR better to be on your own than stuck in these dead-end relationships. If I was the OP, I would have been out of this a long time ago and never looked back.
The whole thing, and especially his wife's reactions, has have hit the OP from left field. It takes time to process something like this, especially when you're still in love with your SO, and they're behaving strangely and denying there's an issue. It can be very confusing. It's easy to say, "Oh, yeah, I'd have been out of there as soon as .... " whatever. But when you're in the middle of a bizarre scenario unfolding, and you're trying to get answers, but nothing sensible or logical is forthcoming, it throws you off balance. It can take time to get your bearings.
I’m not sure who is worse, you or that other guy here who is basically a caregiver for that woman with tons of health issues, and there are others as well. The amount of desperation here is really mind boggling. It’s FAR better to be on your own than stuck in these dead-end relationships. If I was the OP, I would have been out of this a long time ago and never looked back.
This is a new situation in a long-term marriage with young children.
The whole thing, and especially his wife's reactions, has have hit the OP from left field. It takes time to process something like this, especially when you're still in love with your SO, and they're behaving strangely and denying there's an issue. It can be very confusing. It's easy to say, "Oh, yeah, I'd have been out of there as soon as .... " whatever. But when you're in the middle of a bizarre scenario unfolding, and you're trying to get answers, but nothing sensible or logical is forthcoming, it throws you off balance. It can take time to get your bearings.
Poor OP. He sounds like a good guy.
Yeah, well I have way too much self-respect to ever let myself be treated this way but I'm also very independent. At some point you need to say enough is enough and quit being used as a doormat.
To me it's unbelievable that there's even a question about what's going on here. It's cut and dry.....
BIL is a POS for eyeing up his wife's MARRIED sister. Maybe the OP's wife is naïve, which I'll reluctantly give her the benefit of doubt for. OP's wife should know that the implications of having one on one time with her sister's husband at best looks bad and at worst is wrong on several levels. I'm a male and have two married brothers.....no ****ing way would I go out and do things with their wives solo.
It takes two to tango...A pillar of any relationship is trust. If OP is concerned enough to post about this situation then that's a bad sign. First thing to do is to make it clear to his wife that he's uncomfortable with what's going on. If she questions her husband's concerns and thinks it's ok to continue to do things with her BIL then there's trouble in paradise.
As a man I know that hitting on another man's wife is very sketchy **** and low class. BIL knows this too but lacks self discipline and more importantly...HONOR and respect for his wife's sister and her husband. Are there family member's spouse's who I wouldn't mind tapping...sure. But, that's when you check your primal instincts and do what a REAL MAN does which is practice self control. Any ******* can act on their urges.
The problem is this seems like a mano a mano thing at it's core. BIL wouldn't do what he's doing if he thought he'd get ****ed up for it. OP needs to tell BIL man to man, to stay the hell away from his wife !
The problem is this seems like a mano a mano thing at it's core. BIL wouldn't do what he's doing if he thought he'd get ****ed up for it. OP needs to tell BIL man to man, to stay the hell away from his wife !
Sorry OP...just calling the way I see it.
It isn't isolated to just the BIL. It takes two to tango and the OPs wife is involved. It's apparent that she is vulnerable to an affair, whether it happened with the BIL or someone else.
Considering the fact that children are involved, the OP needs to decide if the marriage can or should be saved. Right now, the wife still believes she can control an uncontrollable situation. Until that illusion is shattered, her behavior - and willingness to address the real issues - is not going to change.
The OP needs to bring everything out in the open. Sure, it could mean the end of two marriages, but both marriages are effectively dead anyhow. Once everything is out in the open and the wife understands the futility in trying to cover her actions, THEN counseling might be an option.
But step 1 is to pull off the bandaid and expose the wound.
Yeah, well I have way too much self-respect to ever let myself be treated this way but I'm also very independent. At some point you need to say enough is enough and quit being used as a doormat.
I don't think you have a clear picture of the situation. The OP only found out that there was something inappropriate going on, recently. He'd been going along in a marriage of a number of years, starting a family and raising kids, when everything was fine. Now, suddenly, he finds out his brother-in-law was making moves on his wife. He told his BIL to knock it off, and his wife freaked, so he's trying to figure out why his wife freaked. This is a new situation for the OP, in a marriage that was humming along fine, as far as he knew.
The whole thing with the wife's reaction has unfolded only around the time the OP started the thread, more or less. And he hasn't been a "doormat"'; he's asked her for clarification directly. It's been a very intensive time, it's all been a very sudden development. You're completely misreading the situation, and projecting your own "doormat" issues onto it. Which may be one reason you're "very independent", which I gather means "single", and talking in terms of "relationships" rather than "marriages". You sound like you're in over your head, here.
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