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You keep saying little things that make it seem as though you believe two people who are legally married to each other are obligated to cohabitate whether they like it or not. Dude, cohabitating is a choice. You and your wife can stop cohabitating this minute if that is what one or both of you choose.
I read it's up to the judge, but I need to consult a lawyer, there is a 10 year rule here, we are only 8 years so I may not get stuck with the tab too long.
Also I read that if the courts know she was chatting and/or moves in with this guy because she cannot afford a place, that is also a big negative.
I hope that you made copies of all those emails, notes and proof of her infidelity.....phone records too. Get all of that together, including a synopsis just like you did in your post. You may need those to prove infidelity....which I believe may negate some of the usual spousal support etc. If you are married 10 years she can take half your SS.
I worked for an attorney for years. My advice as a lay person.....get yourself to an attorney asap for a consultation. you can often get a free one....look for a tough divorce attorney....and a female is not a bad idea. Just my personal observations...I think good female divorce attorneys are tougher than men.....because they can spot female drama queens, where often men are intimidated.
Anyway.....she may walk away like she says....but it won't hurt to be prepared if she changes her mind.....and you can bet that she has talked to an attorney by now herself. Protect yourself. No one deserves to be treated like this. Take care and update so we know how you are doing. And, sorry you are going through this....find a support group local to you....often churches give divorce support groups. I hear that they help to keep you from falling into another bad relationship and they are great social support.
I hope that you made copies of all those emails, notes and proof of her infidelity.....phone records too. Get all of that together, including a synopsis just like you did in your post. You may need those to prove infidelity....which I believe may negate some of the usual spousal support etc. If you are married 10 years she can take half your SS.
I worked for an attorney for years. My advice as a lay person.....get yourself to an attorney asap for a consultation. you can often get a free one....look for a tough divorce attorney....and a female is not a bad idea. Just my personal observations...I think good female divorce attorneys are tougher than men.....because they can spot female drama queens, where often men are intimidated.
Anyway.....she may walk away like she says....but it won't hurt to be prepared if she changes her mind.....and you can bet that she has talked to an attorney by now herself. Protect yourself. No one deserves to be treated like this. Take care and update so we know how you are doing. And, sorry you are going through this....find a support group local to you....often churches give divorce support groups. I hear that they help to keep you from falling into another bad relationship and they are great social support.
Thank you, I will consider your advice and thoughts.
I took photos of everyhing she printed out and wrote in scribble, problem is she only printed one e-mail, the letters were types by her but never sent as they were very sexually graphic in nature and filled with erotic fantasies in her head on this guy. She also went into great detail on how he made her feel, saying I never felt this way with anyone before, much of what I read she used with me when we met, scary I know. It appears though that she is talking this way only after a month if that of chatting, which is really strange and abnormal. Reading it was hard for me, to think someone I trusted and was with for 18 years would act so cold, but she has prior history and its' true that cheaters will cheat again, because she is okay with lying and it doesn't phase her.
Regarding other info, I have no access, she is using a chat messenger that's connected through her phone and the computer and she changed all her passwords, she also keeps her phone on her all the time now and takes it to bed so that I cannot get access to it, even if she changed the PIN my fingerprint is still on her phone for access but without the pin no luck likely.
Unfortnatley CA is a no-fault state and they don't even look at any cheating or unfaithfulness with respect to this, really a pity because whether it's a man or woman at fault, it should come with terms like everything else in this world.
I'll tell you my soon to be ex-Wife is a strange bird,, we got into another arguement this morning as stated, wish I didnt' talk to her at all, then she was upset, within 30 minutes she was getting dressed and was running out, she walked over to my room and opened the door and said "Why is the door closed'? Like why not? She was standing there naked, I said why are walking in here with no clothes on, she said it's nothing you never saw before. I was like, but yeah under the circumstances you should change your ways around me. Then she was talking like a different person, like she wasn't upset and told me she is going out for a while, like everything was good.
Then she comes home and I was in my room listening to music on my headphones and the house was dark, she walked in while I had my eyes closed in mediitation, and tapped my feet which startled me and said "Don't do that again to me", in reference to not answering her when she came in, like why are you even worried? Did she think i'm going to do something to myself because of this? Then she goes, I was out at this one outdoor plaza we use to go to, walking around getting sad about the life we had and the memories, seeing people out, couples, places we use to go togetehr to. I was like this:
I said to her, well you will be happy again someday, she looked at me and said, yeah but, I said well it's your choice you made your choices, which was in reference to what has transpired online. Then I told her to not stir the pot with me anymore, but she said a few things and then walked away.
Lastly, I went to make myself something to eat, she was sitting at the table acting happy and laughing, while on her phone, I knew what she was doing, messaging that guy, I said "what are you doing?" She said, oh reading my e-mails, I said no your not your messaging him, I said I'm not asking for much, but can you not do that around me and keep your giddy emotions to yourself or when I'm not home. I said, I don't know how you can act that way under the circumstances and in reference to what she said 30 minutes prior to me.
Very odd behavior to say the least, maybe she is all giddy because she knows we are history and she is all excited for the next victim? They say getting a divorce is emotionally one of the hardest things between a couple, I read so many stories on here and other sites on how people feel empty, distraught and cry a lot, among other things, but I'm not seeing this with her.
One site I read stated this:
"Prepare to be amazed: Some transgressions are unforgiveable. Not always the ones you might predict."
Not to mention she was responsible for doing the laundry, but wasn't doing it, you'd think she could do something around here, guess she is too busy chatting with this guy while I'm at work to run a couple loads of clothing, so I did laundry myself, 2 extra large loads, the hamper in my bedroom is empty, first time in months. She never said squat to me about it, or even acknowledged it, because she doesn't give a crap, no remorse or feeling bad about anything, I hate to say it but it appears she lost her soul.
Well, to be fair, you did get with her under the circumstances of infidelity (cheating on her boyfriend with you)
Yep, my mistake and she brought it up, like she is putting the spotlight on me. She kept him a secret though for 5 months of chatting online, leading me to believe she lived with a female roomy, I pressed her because I knew she was lying, and she finally told me but we didn't even talk on the phone till after 6 months, it was all e-mail and chat . This was before the days of all the technology available now. A lot easier to cheat, the mobile aspect and the websites in general are like dating services. I read about Instagram, it said it's turing into a Tinder-like site.
She told me that she didn't create the Instagram account and load all those pictures of herself to find a man, but that is a flat out lie, it was all voluntary, when the guy messaged her, she could have ignored it. The guy is also using a well known celebrities name, I won't say who to protect the innocent here, and as well his e-mail uses the name with some modifications to it, at a common free e-mail account name.
The only e-mail I have that she printed out, she was talking to the guy like she believed it was really him, I was like oh dear she has lost it. The celebrity is happily married for a long time with kids, don't think she is his type anyways or if he would be that desperate to go on Instagram hunting for woman. Given our location in CA she probably thinks it's him. I even told her on day one, I saw the e-mail, I said the person's name, really you believe that and she didn't want to talk about it or even go there.
Soon though I will be serving her divorce papers, I plan to hand them to her myself, might do it on our wedding anniversary which is coming up, but I don't know if that's a good move, maybe it will send a message and stick with her the rest of her life more so?
I need to stop posting so many posts, I apologize to everyone, I need to meditate and do some yoga. I'll update things as some point.
Last edited by high_plains_drifter; 10-14-2018 at 09:55 PM..
Thank you, I will consider your advice and thoughts.
I took photos of everyhing she printed out and wrote in scribble, problem is she only printed one e-mail, the letters were types by her but never sent as they were very sexually graphic in nature and filled with erotic fantasies in her head on this guy. She also went into great detail on how he made her feel, saying I never felt this way with anyone before, much of what I read she used with me when we met, scary I know. It appears though that she is talking this way only after a month if that of chatting, which is really strange and abnormal. Reading it was hard for me, to think someone I trusted and was with for 18 years would act so cold, but she has prior history and its' true that cheaters will cheat again, because she is okay with lying and it doesn't phase her.
Regarding other info, I have no access, she is using a chat messenger that's connected through her phone and the computer and she changed all her passwords, she also keeps her phone on her all the time now and takes it to bed so that I cannot get access to it, even if she changed the PIN my fingerprint is still on her phone for access but without the pin no luck likely.
Unfortnatley CA is a no-fault state and they don't even look at any cheating or unfaithfulness with respect to this, really a pity because whether it's a man or woman at fault, it should come with terms like everything else in this world.
I'll tell you my soon to be ex-Wife is a strange bird,, we got into another arguement this morning as stated, wish I didnt' talk to her at all, then she was upset, within 30 minutes she was getting dressed and was running out, she walked over to my room and opened the door and said "Why is the door closed'? Like why not? She was standing there naked, I said why are walking in here with no clothes on, she said it's nothing you never saw before. I was like, but yeah under the circumstances you should change your ways around me. Then she was talking like a different person, like she wasn't upset and told me she is going out for a while, like everything was good.
Then she comes home and I was in my room listening to music on my headphones and the house was dark, she walked in while I had my eyes closed in mediitation, and tapped my feet which startled me and said "Don't do that again to me", in reference to not answering her when she came in, like why are you even worried? Did she think i'm going to do something to myself because of this? Then she goes, I was out at this one outdoor plaza we use to go to, walking around getting sad about the life we had and the memories, seeing people out, couples, places we use to go togetehr to. I was like this:
I said to her, well you will be happy again someday, she looked at me and said, yeah but, I said well it's your choice you made your choices, which was in reference to what has transpired online. Then I told her to not stir the pot with me anymore, but she said a few things and then walked away.
Lastly, I went to make myself something to eat, she was sitting at the table acting happy and laughing, while on her phone, I knew what she was doing, messaging that guy, I said "what are you doing?" She said, oh reading my e-mails, I said no your not your messaging him, I said I'm not asking for much, but can you not do that around me and keep your giddy emotions to yourself or when I'm not home. I said, I don't know how you can act that way under the circumstances and in reference to what she said 30 minutes prior to me.
Very odd behavior to say the least, maybe she is all giddy because she knows we are history and she is all excited for the next victim? They say getting a divorce is emotionally one of the hardest things between a couple, I read so many stories on here and other sites on how people feel empty, distraught and cry a lot, among other things, but I'm not seeing this with her.
One site I read stated this:
"Prepare to be amazed: Some transgressions are unforgiveable. Not always the ones you might predict."
Not to mention she was responsible for doing the laundry, but wasn't doing it, you'd think she could do something around here, guess she is too busy chatting with this guy while I'm at work to run a couple loads of clothing, so I did laundry myself, 2 extra large loads, the hamper in my bedroom is empty, first time in months. She never said squat to me about it, or even acknowledged it, because she doesn't give a crap, no remorse or feeling bad about anything, I hate to say it but it appears she lost her soul.
I think she’s in denial that life is about to change. As I mentioned before, I’m pretty sure the begging is going to come soon. For sure before the end.
All in all I think the divorce will be a good thing though. I can’t speak for you, but it’s clear that she has been pretending to be normal and happy for a while, but now she will be able to live an authentic life.
I’ll bet you’ve given her more thought and attention since you’ve found out about this than you ever have. Lol
Agree with this and am starting to think that maybe THIS is her point.
The OP admitted that he is part of the problem with the relationship. Sounds like things got stale - really, really, stale - and both of them were waiting for the other to do something about it. This is her attempt to break the logjam.
Oh, it's poorly thought out, but it is having an affect. Negative attention is still attention and it sounds like she is getting more of the OP's now than she did before.
OP, you really haven't answered the underlying question. What is it that you want to have happen out of all of this? Maybe I missed the point where she actually had sex with this guy. If that's the case, please proceed to the exit in a calm and orderly fashion. If not, would counseling actually be a better choice, at this point? Or are you so determined to "win" the battle, that you are willing to overlook your needs to do so?
Just some food for thought as the actions she has taken recently seem to be targeting your responses directly. The why is the question you need to ask yourself if you want to have answered or not.
Agree with this and am starting to think that maybe THIS is her point.
The OP admitted that he is part of the problem with the relationship. Sounds like things got stale - really, really, stale - and both of them were waiting for the other to do something about it. This is her attempt to break the logjam.
Oh, it's poorly thought out, but it is having an affect. Negative attention is still attention and it sounds like she is getting more of the OP's now than she did before.
OP, you really haven't answered the underlying question. What is it that you want to have happen out of all of this? Maybe I missed the point where she actually had sex with this guy. If that's the case, please proceed to the exit in a calm and orderly fashion. If not, would counseling actually be a better choice, at this point? Or are you so determined to "win" the battle, that you are willing to overlook your needs to do so?
Just some food for thought as the actions she has taken recently seem to be targeting your responses directly. The why is the question you need to ask yourself if you want to have answered or not.
She's getting ready to lose her meal ticket, so of course she's thinking of "straightening up and flying right!" She a user and the O.P. was more than willing to be used, so to a degree,the fault lies with both of them. From what I gathered in one of his earlier posts in this thread, he was warned by family and/or friends about this woman from the beginning. (He had mentioned something along the lines of them possibly saying, "I told you so..." hence his hesitation to divorce his wife at the risk of losing face with family.)
Sadly, from what he's shared (and he's shared a lot, to be honest), he's a man who loves a "project." He's a classic "rescuer" who will make excuses for the bad behavior of others as, at least in the initial stages, he gets feeling of validation from being a provider and problem-solver.
His wife will land on her feet as such people do as there's always another fool to charm into taking care of her needs--be it a friend or a lover. Quietly and respectfully kicking her to the curb is the best course of action.
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