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She is just posturing, if she had the balls she would have just left a long time ago talk is cheap.
I think she is still debating in her head the consequences of divorce, there are multiple personalties that pop out during these moments.
She doesn't have multiple personalities.
She has one mood that she showed to you through most of the years, when you were giving her what she wanted, but now she has dropped that pretense since you are on to her. She's basically a con artist, an opportunist.
That article she sent you sounds like a ham-handed attempt to clue you in about what she thought were deficiencies in your marriage, but honestly it sounds like you had such a dubious start that her doing that is just an attempt to hurt you at this point.
She's not on your team, and the sooner you realize that, hopefully the sooner you will stop worrying about her well being and feeling sorry for her. She could give one rip about you.
Try to get over the blame game. It doesn't help you in ANY way.
Focus on yourself. Direct your energies to making an appt with a DIVORCE atty. Lawyers who specialize in family law know much more about divorces than do attorneys who do generalized work. Write down your questions and concerns beforehand.
Depending on your state, couples must be separated a certain length of time to get legally divorced. In my state it is one year.
If you can, make copies of all financial paperwork. Make copies of her separate financials if applicable. Take these with you to the atty.
Begin to consider where you'd like to live...once all is finalized. Would one of you stay where you live now?
Would you like an apt or house? Think ahead, as there are lots of things to consider...
Try hard to avoid negative conversations with your wife. It just drags you down.
I will thanks, I was good yesterday did just that, left the house and went to the zoo for around 4 hours but there was so many people walking around holding hands and kids, wasn't really the best choice under the circumstances. Thought my best recourse was looking at animals in a cage and thinking that's me but soon to be free of the pain.
Exactly she doesn't know about the rules here in CA, I tried to talk to her like an adult on the process, she didn't want to hear it. She must think that it's like buying a car, nope it's 6 months here before the divorce is final. They call it a waiting period, maybe to give people time for it to set-in, dunno. She doesn't want to stay here so this is going to a SNAFU.
No we are renting, no mortage to worry about. I don't think I want to stay in this area after it's over, I can move to a different city or area here in general, I may look at those options when the lease is about to expire. I'll likely be living in another rental, but a single man style place hopefullly the ease on cash flow (if I can get out of the alimony) will give me saving power for retirement now.
If she has an idea on how to leave, let her. Stop trying to rationalize with someone who sounds very much like a narcissist.
Can you afford therapy?
I didn't she just said it but wouldn't do it, nothing is stopping her.
She won't leave because it's good here, there is a warm bed, food, internet to chat with Mr.Goodbar and all the creature comforts. She will milk it to the end. She is leaving now, will probably go sit somewhere and talk to Mr.Goodbar on the phone, I flat out told her to not discuss me and what's going on to him, she said to me that she said we got in a fight and that he was worried about her, yet she told me to not talk to any of our family about what's going on or people I work with, like okay you are talking to Joe Blow Internet Stranger about personal things but I can't? I didn't tell her about me posting on here, because she would lose it. It's my only therapy and I appreciate all the comments.
So, as a starter, why don't you do just that? And stop credit charges and handing out out cash, etc, etc etc
But see, even in that quote, you're worried about her and how she will relate. That's HER problem and a big "So what?"but you're still making your concerns,
I'm thinking about it, but she made some comment "I can't eat". She will also get out of control if I limit her ability to talk to this guy. I dont' know what to do, I really don't want to give myself more of headache than I already have. I feel like I owe it to her in some respect, because it will make me come out feeling and looking like the better person, I know that sounds dumb but I'm a fool.
I think she's reacting this way because she's simply not ready financially to divorce you yet. The problem with that is, that if forced into divorce, she will likely ask for alimony. If I were you, I'd start researching the possibility of getting out of your lease early.
Quote:
Originally Posted by high_plains_drifter
I'm thinking about it, but she made some comment "I can't eat". She will also get out of control if I limit her ability to talk to this guy. I dont' know what to do, I really don't want to give myself more of headache than I already have. I feel like I owe it to her in some respect, because it will make me come out feeling and looking like the better person, I know that sounds dumb but I'm a fool.
If you're worried about her well-being but don't want to stay living with her, then maybe you could come to an agreement to willingly pay her alimony for 1 year or something.
I'm thinking about it, but she made some comment "I can't eat". She will also get out of control if I limit her ability to talk to this guy. I dont' know what to do, I really don't want to give myself more of headache than I already have. I feel like I owe it to her in some respect, because it will make me come out feeling and looking like the better person, I know that sounds dumb but I'm a fool.
Don't do anything official until you talk to an attorney. Push to have that meeting THIS week ASAP.
You don't have to settle for being a fool, though. She's already made you a fool. You don't have to keep yourself in that role.
To do that, stop worrying about looking like the better person. I mean, talk about not seeing the forest for the trees. Anybody look at your situation would understand what is happening. It sounds like you're trying anything you can think of to salvage what's left of your ego.
The real way to do that would be to man up and realize that HER choices are not reflections of who you are as a person. They reflect who SHE is. You aren't any less of a man because she cheated, so stop worrying about that. Sure, you made some very bad choices along the way, but we all do, and "how you look" to others should not be your focus right now.
You also definitely should talk to whoever you think would be the best person to help you process your feelings. If you really can't afford therapy (even just four sessions would help you) then find a trusted friend or relative and get help thinking this through.
But you really REALLY should get some professional help. You did have some role in your current situation, and it would help you to live well moving forward if you could get help in understanding that.
I'm thinking about it, but she made some comment "I can't eat". She will also get out of control if I limit her ability to talk to this guy. I dont' know what to do, I really don't want to give myself more of headache than I already have. I feel like I owe it to her in some respect, because it will make me come out feeling and looking like the better person, I know that sounds dumb but I'm a fool.
You said it yourself.1000 more posts here aren't going to change that. If you think "being the better person" I worth it all, do your thing.Some would just call that being a sucker for punishment
My last post here ( I hope
Exactly she doesn't know about the rules here in CA, I tried to talk to her like an adult on the process, she didn't want to hear it. She must think that it's like buying a car, nope it's 6 months here before the divorce is final. They call it a waiting period, maybe to give people time for it to set-in, dunno. She doesn't want to stay here so this is going to a SNAFU.
In what way is it a snafu? She is not prevented from living elsewhere, regardless of her marital status.
I'm thinking about it, but she made some comment "I can't eat". She will also get out of control if I limit her ability to talk to this guy. I dont' know what to do, I really don't want to give myself more of headache than I already have. I feel like I owe it to her in some respect, because it will make me come out feeling and looking like the better person, I know that sounds dumb but I'm a fool.
Well, being a fool is a choice. You are free to choose differently at any time.
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