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Let her go. You should have the first time she started this knowing how you met her yourself, but you can’t change that fact now. There are lots of chameleons out their Take this all as a live and learn moment.
From what I read, you've given her about 5 chances. That's four too many.
You need to cut her loose. She's made her bed, and it's time to lie in it. Don't fool yourself into carrying her, and yes, you should make copies of the things you saw. And YOU need to file so you can take charge of your future and stop living according to her whims.
You don't know what may come in handy in the months to come.
I need to make copies of those print outs and hand scribbles for sure, just like you said.
Unfortnatley, you are correct, she seems content in lying and being such this goes back to day 1. This thing with the guy she met online, she thought I'm dumb and wouldn't find out, not that I am spying on her or have software on the PC to log everything, I could do it but there really is not needed and I read it's illegal.
She did go out of her way to change all her passwords so that I couldnt' log into her e-mail anymore, we had an open door policy meaning she could log into my e-mail anytime she wanted as it was saved on the desktop to be such. She went out of her way to figure out how to change it and she is not too savy, I saw she searched how to do it. She also keeps her phone concealed now, because I have it set-up with my fingerprint as well and she likely doesn't know how to delete it.
This behavior and what she is doing makes me want to toss her out on her ass, but I realize that will just be more painful for me. I just wonder how she woud react if the tables were flipped and I was doing this to her?
I'm no expert, but me thinks you are enabling her behavior, .i.e., deception, betrayal, disrespect, because you are being toooooo nice and accommodating your loser wife. YES, do kick her a** to the curb and let her go live with the new make-believe BF/SO.
It's human nature that behaviors tend to continue when one is getting a desires effect/results. Shut her a** down. Let there be a natural consequence to here actions and stop being Mr. Nice Guy, please.
Reasonable caution is wise and will not look bad to the right people.
You *did* know your wife well, but it seems as though you willfully chose to ignore or gloss over things when she showed you time and again who she truly is a person (even before you became an official couple, let alone married). It happens. Love can be blind like that. Take this experience and learn from it.
Keep the wedding photos and paraphernalia. Many people do. (Others have a bonfire...or let the former "other half" keep those things.)
Photos are hard to toss, it's not that I hate her but for what she is doing it's hard to not dislike and feel sorry for her, I said to her "I wish you the best" she said, "No you don't", on the topic of wedding photos, she still has our wedding photos in her bedroom and around the house, isn't that odd? You'd think she would have put those away by now.
I read about the no-fault, I also read seperation in CA allows a couple to still reside under the same terms, which I'm still thinking may be the only recourse since she cannot afford a place on her own and I cannot do both, but that seems unhealthy especially if she starts meeting up with this guy and dating him, nothing I could do to say Adultry since most states don't acknowledge it. Also would have to tolerate hearing calls likely.
I think you are right about the fantasy, but it appears they have been chatting for 2 to 3 months little known to me until I investigated the browser history.
I'm going to meet with a Lawyer this week, hopefully I can start rebuilding my life in some shape or form.
From the reading I've done on this, betrayed husbands seem to process affairs differently. Typically they stay with their cheating wife and don't divorce her. I guess husbands are just not ready to give up right then and want to try to make it work. They think they are strong enough to do it. Then later on somewhere between 1 year and 5 years after reconciliation they divorce her because they can't deal with it. So it's like a delayed effect for betrayed husbands. I predict this is what's going to happen with you. So basically this ranting that you're doing right now, you have a few more years straight of doing that before you get tired of it and get tired of her and throw the towel in. All she has to do is bat her eyes at you, cry and say she's sorry and you'll be staying. I don't see you leaving. Unless she leaves you first, which may happen in a couple of years (after he fantasy affair ends). Either way, make her get a job. She will have to no matter what.
Also, OP should get divorced ASAP before she starts thinking about alimomy. It could easily be granted by the judge since she never had a career or job during marriage and you were her support system.
I know a case where a couple got divorced and the wife requested alimony of $3K per month. In addition to child support. She had a well paying job on her own with a salary pretty close to her husband’s. He wouldn’t have been able to afford his living expenses with such a hefty alimony.
I did think about that, I told her she will put me in an early grave if she does that, because there is no way I can handle that on top of everything else. The laws in CA are confusing, when you read it it sounds like the courts would rule in her favor regardless because she has been out of work so long, she told me flat out she doesn't want anything, but I don't know if that's fact. I read 1/2 of the term of teh marriage, so that's 4 years, even having to pay out a monthly payment for 4 years would wreck me because CA isn't cheap.
Come up with a lump sum to give her as part of tbe divirce settlement.
Yes make copies - evidence that there was a pattern of behavior. And gives you good authority on why she should settle quickly.
Until she get's a job, there is no place for her to go, that's my predictment and even then if she even finds a job, it will likely not pay a liveable wage here to afford an apartment and I think she knows this but won't admit it. I may offer to pay for her car and insurance, I can swing that but I suspect this will get ugly.
From the reading I've done on this, betrayed husbands seem to process affairs differently. Typically they stay with their cheating wife and don't divorce her. I guess husbands are just not ready to give up right then and want to try to make it work. They think they are strong enough to do it. Then later on somewhere between 1 year and 5 years after reconciliation they divorce her because they can't deal with it. So it's like a delayed effect for betrayed husbands. I predict this is what's going to happen with you. So basically this ranting that you're doing right now, you have a few more years straight of doing that before you get tired of it and get tired of her and throw the towel in. I don't see you leaving. Unless she leaves you first, which may happen in a couple of years (after he fantasy affair ends). Either way, make her get a job. She will have to no matter what.
Separation is an option, there is a recent law in CA that allows this meaning she can stay put and it's like nothing happened, but it's a sore compromise for those that financially cannot swing it the other route, that is I cannot pay two rents, a better choice but I don't see how it will work and at some point you got to file Divorce anyways.
No, I'm done, she is not changing her ways there is no relapse or change of heart, we are not sitting in the same room anymore. Just the thought of how she is chatting with this person still is a real cringe factor for me, especially when I have to go to work Monday. What's amazing is you look back at her previous relationship and with me, I found out she did someting similar to the first guy once, left him then moved back in 7 months later, well to be hippocritical she did it with me so that makes me look like the bad guy, though she lied up to the point saying she was single, then when I found out she, was living with her boyfriend, said she was moving out to her own place and they were not getting along, like I shouldn't be concerned with it, but looking back I should have just cut ties, I almost did, but I was a gullable fool. Now history is repeating itself, again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
I know she would be the same way with me if I was chatting with some woman I met online, and she found out, actually she would probably be worse than me in denial.
It's too late, I dont' trust her anymore, especially when I found the typed fantasy letters she wrote in reference to this guy she met and it didn't seem like it was more then a few days after they connected, sounded like Fifty Shades of Grey that I cannot go into detail about, the fact she told me she wasn't interested in Sex anymore after we had some tough family losses, and then said recently that I'm not being intimate yet I'm reading this stuff burns me like 1000 hot matches, especially when I know and she knows all the times I tried to be such with her.
Really is a no win situation, I have to do what's right for me at the end of the day, she did make her bed.
I'm just thankful we never had kids, it would be even harder to explain it and deal with it, I don't know how people can manage that stress.
Last edited by high_plains_drifter; 10-13-2018 at 10:52 PM..
Separation is an option, there is a recent law in CA that allows this meaning she can stay put and it's like nothing happened, but it's a sore compromise for those that financially cannot swing it the other route, that is I cannot pay two rents, a better choice but I don't see how it will work and at some point you got to file Divorce anyways.
No, I'm done, she is not changing her ways there is no relapse or change of heart, we are not sitting in the same room anymore.
I know she would be the same way with me if I was chatting with some woman I met online, and she found out, actually she would probably be worse than me in denial.
It's too late, I dont' trust her anymore, especially when I found the typed fantasy letters she wrote in reference to this guy she met and it didn't seem like it was more then a few days after they connected, sounded like Fifty Shades of Grey that I cannot go into detail about, the fact she told me she wasn't interested in Sex anymore after we had some tough family losses, and then said recently that I'm not being intimate yet I'm reading this stuff burns me like 1000 hot matches, especially when I know and she knows all the times I tried to be such with her.
Really is a no win situation, I have to do what's right for me at the end of the day, she did make her bed
What you're not taking into account is that at some point before the fat lady sings, she is going to come back to you begging. She is going to cry and say how sorry and stupid she was and how much she wants you. She is going to want to have lots of sex with you and say that she will do whatever it takes and you will fall for it because it's what you want to hear and it will be so much easier than divorcing. All in the name of love.
What you're not taking into account is that at some point before the fat lady sings, she is going to come back to you begging. She is going to cry and say how sorry and stupid she was and how much she wants you. She is going to want to have lots of sex with you and say that she will do whatever it takes and you will fall for it because it's what you want to hear and it will be so much easier than divorcing. All in the name of love.
There is a possibility, but I suspect if it happens it might be after she finds out Mr. Goodbar isn't who he say's he is or doesn't like her in person or he has other motives. By that time, it will be over because I won't allow myself to be used like that, meaning she will be sleeping under my roof and going out on dates or to his place, nope, not going to allow that. If she thought otherwise then she is dumb.
This isn't like other times, I think she mentally cracked, problem is I'm not reacting to it like the past, I'm not talking about it or to her, only did the day I found out, I have a total don't care attitude now, not shedding tears or begging, so she is probably confused on what I'm up to, perhaps she is scared that her tactics are not working and it might actually happen on my end? Dunno, but I have to do what' best for me.
She is sitting watching Tv with her phone next to her, probably waiting for Mr.Goodbar to message her so she can fill him in on the goings on, that's how he is communicating with her now more often, messenger app. If I could read what they were talking about I'd probably lose it, better that I don't know.
I think there is a line couples cross in a relationship, adultry and unfaithfulness to me is no man's land, whether it's a sexual encounter or just cybersex or just the fact she is cheating behind my back is enough to draw the line. There is flirting and some couples get in a tiff about that, or checking out other people. I almost left her the first time before we were married, the only reason I didn't because it wasn't the same or similar in nature to this, to be honest I was too guillable back then, but I wised up.
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